Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

Sake!

In today's dating rules, you're not exclusive after three dates unless you've discussed it, so he hasn't technically done anything wrong. However, it does mean that after three dates, he isn't thinking of you all the time. If there was potential for something good, you'd be the only woman on his mind right now. Instead, you're just one of many options - and there are easier options out there.

I don't know who made up these new rules or where we all apparently signed up to them but many of us have not.

If someone just wants casual hookups then they should go ahead and arrange that. That's fine, be clear about what it is so the other person can give informed consent.

It is not OK to arrange dates with someone, pretending that this is to see whether or not a relationship may develop, while simultaneously shagging other random people. That is disgusting and I am shocked that so many people think this is ok.

Dating is spending time with people who might become a potential partner, so as an absolute minimum you should be treating them with basic respect. Only seeing one person at once until you see if it works out, not fucking randoms on a "lads' night out". Eeeeuuugh.

If someonr just wants hookups that is freely available online so there is no need to disrespect women in this way who are genuinely trying to date people. To expect women to have to ask the man supposedly interested in getting to know them more to see where thins go, "are you fucking other random people on the days we don't meet?" is absurd and grim.

Why would anybody want you of there is even a fledgling genuine connection with you that they hope to pursue? This is a death sentence to anything developing for anybody with any self-respect.

And for those saying "oh he shouldn't have told you!"... So build a whole relationship potentially then later discover the person slept with other people while you were dating and getting to know each other? 🤮 Or just lie to each other forever?!

Fucking hell. So depressing that so many women are buying in to this bullshit.

Run!

No.

He's a player.

He didn’t do anything wrong, but he obviously doesn’t see your relationship progressing. If he did, he would want to be sure that you could be sure to have a safer sex discussion and possibly get tested. With such a recent encounter, testing isn’t conclusive.

He shagged some random bit of a skirt on a night out with his mates and then told you?

No, I wouldn't be seeing him again. A nice bloke who is really interested in you wouldn't do that. I've just posted on another thread that people tell you who they are, you just need to listen.

At some point on my journey I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be with a 'lad' and all the shit that comes with it. It was a good decision. This bloke sounds like a 'lad'.

That would put me off completely. All this talk of exclusivity chats is bullshit and just bizarre. If you are 2 dates in and planning a third I would expect the date to manage to keep it in his trousers.

@SilenceIsNotAvailable

In today's dating rules, you're not exclusive after three dates unless you've discussed it, so he hasn't technically done anything wrong. However, it does mean that after three dates, he isn't thinking of you all the time. If there was potential for something good, you'd be the only woman on his mind right now. Instead, you're just one of many options - and there are easier options out there.

I don't know who made up these new rules or where we all apparently signed up to them but many of us have not.

If someone just wants casual hookups then they should go ahead and arrange that. That's fine, be clear about what it is so the other person can give informed consent.

It is not OK to arrange dates with someone, pretending that this is to see whether or not a relationship may develop, while simultaneously shagging other random people. That is disgusting and I am shocked that so many people think this is ok.

Dating is spending time with people who might become a potential partner, so as an absolute minimum you should be treating them with basic respect. Only seeing one person at once until you see if it works out, not fucking randoms on a "lads' night out". Eeeeuuugh.

If someonr just wants hookups that is freely available online so there is no need to disrespect women in this way who are genuinely trying to date people. To expect women to have to ask the man supposedly interested in getting to know them more to see where thins go, "are you fucking other random people on the days we don't meet?" is absurd and grim.

Why would anybody want you of there is even a fledgling genuine connection with you that they hope to pursue? This is a death sentence to anything developing for anybody with any self-respect.

And for those saying "oh he shouldn't have told you!"... So build a whole relationship potentially then later discover the person slept with other people while you were dating and getting to know each other? 🤮 Or just lie to each other forever?!

Fucking hell. So depressing that so many women are buying in to this bullshit.

Thanks but I'm married anyway. Sorry sex makes you vomit but please answer the OP because I'm not interested in your insults or in arguing with you.

@SunnydaleClassProtector99

But does Carrie know?

🤣🤣🤣

@BigHeadBertha huh?

Depends on how you feel
about him OP and what you are looking for. Bit of fun or proper relationship?

If it’s a relationship, I’d say you will likely never feel right after this. Even if he was the perfect gent from here on and ended up being ‘the one’ you would always know he slept with someone else whilst dating you.

I’d also question his motives for telling you - my first thought was it must be someone you know.

You’re not invested. You came here to tell us that this had happened, so you’re clearly uncomfortable with it! And tbf I think you have every right after spending the last few weekends together.

Let one of those women that think this is OK have him.

I’d run a mile. It’s a huge RED FLAG to his sense of selfishness and entitlement to get out there have fun and you still be waiting.

OP, have you made a decision?

This is a thing now? I’m in my 30s and have never heard of this. It makes me glad I’ve decided to live a life of celibacy five years ago. Couldn’t cope with that shit. I thought you were meant to date one person at a time. Then again I’ve only gone out with two people so that could explain why I know nothing. I made them both wait for over 6 months so for all I know they could have been very busy during that time.

Op what did you decide?

@rachelsunshine

Hi OP, have you made a decision about the date?

I would ditch him. I think dating to me is a signal that you have interest in someone, he seems a bit unpredictable to be just sleeping with a random woman on a night out.

I’d save yourself the grief and date someone else.

some random bit of a skirt

What a charming and totally non-misogynistic way to refer to a woman (who has done nothing wrong by sleeping with this man).

If someone just wants casual hookups then they should go ahead and arrange that. That's fine, be clear about what it is so the other person can give informed consent.

It is not OK to arrange dates with someone, pretending that this is to see whether or not a relationship may develop, while simultaneously shagging other random people. That is disgusting and I am shocked that so many people think this is ok.

Dating is spending time with people who might become a potential partner, so as an absolute minimum you should be treating them with basic respect. Only seeing one person at once until you see if it works out, not fucking randoms on a "lads' night out". Eeeeuuugh.

If someonr just wants hookups that is freely available online so there is no need to disrespect women in this way who are genuinely trying to date people. To expect women to have to ask the man supposedly interested in getting to know them more to see where thins go, "are you fucking other random people on the days we don't meet?" is absurd and grim.

Why would anybody want you of there is even a fledgling genuine connection with you that they hope to pursue? This is a death sentence to anything developing for anybody with any self-respect.

And for those saying "oh he shouldn't have told you!"... So build a whole relationship potentially then later discover the person slept with other people while you were dating and getting to know each other? 🤮 Or just lie to each other forever?! confused

Fucking hell. So depressing that so many women are buying in to this bullshit.

This with bells on. When you start seeing someone you are either just there for casual sex (absolutely fine as long as you both know) or you're trying to make a connection. Three dates in, I would expect that we were trying to do that. To then find out that when we're not together he can't manage to keep it in his pants would be a huge no.
And let's face it, it's hardly that you just pull your trousers down and fall into someone, he'll have spent at least some of the evening chatting this woman up with the aim of getting sex at the end of it. It wasn't an accident, it was deliberate. I expect he thinks he's a good guy because he's told you. He's actually a twat who doesn't want that inconvenient guilt lurking around so has dumped it on you instead so you can make up his mind for him.

If he really was excited about being with you and where things might go, he wouldn't still be sleeping around. You're absolutely right, you're not anyone's 2nd/3rd choice. Dump him and move on!

This is a massive red flag.

If he was really in to you he wouldn't have shagged a random. The fact that he then texted you to tell you that he'd had a one night stand, is in my opinion, a test to see how desperate you are, or what you'll put up with.

If you still go on the date, you're giving him the green light to do anything he pleases.

I can remember the early days of dating DH. No fucking way after date 3 would I have had a one night stand. And if I had, I'd be ashamed and there's no way I would have told him.

It should be all hearts and flowers at this stage, not randomly fucking a stranger on a night out and then having the absolute brass neck to tell you.

He's either monumentally thick or he's playing mind games with you.

It would be curtains for me.

@Lockheart

some random bit of a skirt

What a charming and totally non-misogynistic way to refer to a woman (who has done nothing wrong by sleeping with this man).

Yes, because that is the reality of the situation and probably how he is viewing her/talking about her.

It's no reflection on her because it's highly likely that he is a misogynistic twat.

Women are completely free to sleep with people as they choose. However, there is no point kissing a frog and expecting him to turn into a prince. There are enough threads on here to support the fact that this is what women are hoping for. Lots of women have their bars set far too low.

And let's face it, it's hardly that you just pull your trousers down and fall into someone, he'll have spent at least some of the evening chatting this woman up with the aim of getting sex at the end of it

This is a really good point. He's either spent most of the night chatting this woman up, or this is another woman he's been dating at the same time as you. Neither option feels nice to me.

I'm not sure he's being truthful.

It could all be a fabrication aimed at ending things in a cowardly way.

Rather than cancel your date, he's come up with something to turn you off him, so you will end it.

Having said that, I do know that in the early stages of dating now, especially using dating apps, many decent people do see more than one person.

Even before OLD and apps, I know friends who would have a date or two in the same week with men they had met, while they were deciding who they liked. Dating doesn't have to be exclusive when it's purely going out for drinks, meals etc and no sex, in the early days.

But anyway, I'm not sure rachel's date is being honest. He's possibly testing how much she likes him or he's trying to bounce her into ending it as he's changed his own mind. Whether he's had sex with someone else ....hmm- I'd not bank on that.

I agree he could be telling lies which is no better than telling the truth. Such a fine excuse then later on he can say oh but you knew what I was like from the start. Avoid like the plague.

He's testing you.

He is trying to get you to go the 'pick me' dance. So no. Bin him.