Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

^ this

Agree with previous posters who've said that he's testing you to see how much he can get away with. Personally,I wouldn't bother with him any more. I'm in my late 50s and couldn't be bothered with all that shit!

TedMullins Definitely not in the dating arena, thank goodness. My children were though, until they found their long term/permanent partners.
They would also think it fairly appalling if someone went on a date and was also dating someone else. You ask someone out, you see how it goes, the relationship either deepens and becomes a longer term commitment or it doesn't. It is at that 'it doesn't stage, that it becomes acceptable to see someone else. I think most of their friends would think likewise.
From where I sit, i think the ones likely to be disappointed are those who fail to show or expect the respect of one person at a time.

I’d be really weirded out if a man took me on a date, we agreed to meet again, and he expected me not to see anyone else in the meantime in case a relationship developed?

Really? OK maybe after one date, if it didn't work out, but then you wouldn't be seeing them again. But when going on a second? Why is the default now to just see and sleep with who you want unless you actually ask for exclusivity? Why isn't the default to be bloody respectful and loyal to someone you might potentially want to develop a relationship with?

If someone asked me on second date and I found out he'd then shagged someone else after asking me out again , He'd be binned so quick his feet wouldn't even touch the ground. It's pathetic and certainly not someone I would ever again give the time of day to.
You either want to date me, or you don't. I'm not an open ended option whilst you have a little shop around. If we don't work out, shop around then.

It strikes me that you have low standards in your expectations of dates @TedMullins. I am long time married, and comments like yours are very depressing. I can assure you that my university aged DD would not expect to treat someone like this, nor would she expect to be treated like this.

Why isn't the default to be bloody respectful and loyal to someone you might potentially want to develop a relationship with?

Well said @bookworm20. I wouldn’t want to be someone’s second or third option.

I am curious to know what age those who think that dating is a buffet are.

I suspect that those of us who prefer to find out whether it is worth dating someone then deciding not to see them again before going on to the next one pre-date online dating.

If dating really is as @TedMullins describes, I’m amazed that anyone ever gets into a long term monogamous relationship anymore, as the preliminary stages sound horrible.

If two people start dating, then surely they are both “off the market” until they decide to stop dating? And I suspect there are a LOT of people who genuinely have no idea that this “exclusivity” rubbish exists, and would assume exclusivity when dating someone, unless advised otherwise, rather than the other way round?

And of those who are aware of exclusivity, how many really think it’s right and would be happy dating someone who’s dating other people?

@Coffeepot72

If dating really is as *@TedMullins* describes, I’m amazed that anyone ever gets into a long term monogamous relationship anymore, as the preliminary stages sound horrible.

If two people start dating, then surely they are both “off the market” until they decide to stop dating? And I suspect there are a LOT of people who genuinely have no idea that this “exclusivity” rubbish exists, and would assume exclusivity when dating someone, unless advised otherwise, rather than the other way round?

And of those who are aware of exclusivity, how many really think it’s right and would be happy dating someone who’s dating other people?

@Coffeepot72 All I can do is tell you a bit about friends and people I know. They range from 30s to 50s. They are not promiscuous or nasty people. What they have done with OLD is to see anything from 1 to 4 people or more in a week for a date- coffee, drink, walk etc.

The unspoken agreement is usually that they will leave their OLD profiles up as active until a time when they agree to be exclusive. Clearly after 1 or 2 dates they do not always close down their profiles because they have barely got to know someone after such a short time.

So if Sally has a walk with Ben on Sunday, she would still keep the date arranged with Toby on Wednesday as she has no idea if Ben likes her or how she feels about him.

Obviously at some point either of them can ask if the other is 'off the market' if their relationship is developing and they are having sex.

Couples I know of reach an agreement to close their OLD profiles once they meet someone they really like.

Is this so awful?

Thank you @JinglingHellsBells! I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no way you can know from TWO DATES whether you want to be exclusive with someone. You keep meeting up with them to find out whether you want to enter into an exclusive arrangement, you don’t just assume you’re in one! I’ve got a first date on Friday, a third date on Saturday and another first date on Sunday. If any of them assumed they were in a relationship with me at this stage then yes I’d think it very odd and presumptuous. I don’t know anyone who entered into an exclusive relationship without discussing it first.

I don't see the appeal of dating lots of guys at the same time, if anything I think it stops you from really getting into someone. If you're just looking to have fun and watch casual sex, fair enough but don't act as though you like someone else when you're with someone. When I've dated someone I really liked and it was mutual, I assumed they are not putting their dick in someone else. It's called having standards.

I wouldn't. That's not for me. Some people do this and are fine if it's done to them but I couldn't keep seeing someone, sleep with someone else while I know I still want to see the original person. Start as you mean to go on.

@cookiecreampie Maybe we are talking about different things on this thread? There is 'two timing' (running 2 relationships alongside where neither party knows of the other) and there is going on one or two dates with a few different people, to see who you like and who likes you before you decide to be a 'couple'. No dicks have to be inserted anywhere. Mostly, people meeting up are walking their dogs, going to a film, having a day time coffee.

The thing with OLD is that is fast paced and you never know when someone right would appear or disappear and and as the old adage says, men are like buses.

I wouldn’t feel bad about meeting 3 different people in a weekend as sometimes I got 3 invitations at the time, but wouldn’t accept new invitations if after 2dates I already have a favourite that I want to pursue.

BUT there is a big difference between meeting three different guys for a cup of coffee to having sex with them.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@cookiecreampie Maybe we are talking about different things on this thread? There is 'two timing' (running 2 relationships alongside where neither party knows of the other) and there is going on one or two dates with a few different people, to see who you like and who likes you before you decide to be a 'couple'. No dicks have to be inserted anywhere. Mostly, people meeting up are walking their dogs, going to a film, having a day time coffee.[/quote]
This is what I’m talking about. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be going on one, two, even three or four dates with a few people to see how things go. Indeed, no dicks have to come into it, but if you did do something sexual with any of these people in the early stages, there’s nothing wrong with that. I did say though, the OP is perfectly reasonable not to want to take this approach to dating as it’s her prerogative who she does or doesn’t date! I agree if you’ve been meeting up with someone regularly and sleeping with them for months then it would be reasonable to expect it’s becoming more serious, but even then I’d initiate a conversation rather than just assume exclusivity. A lot of my friends and I have been stung by arseholes who certainly didn’t assume exclusivity after several months, whereas we assumed it was going that way.

I think once dicks are involved, dating other 'potentials' should stop, IMO. Until dicks are involved, it's mostly lighthearted 'getting to know you stuff'.

Amazed at people having 3/4/5 dates a week with people they meet online. I don't even get anyone say hello online let alone get as far as meeting up

I'm obviously doing something wrong

He hasn't technically done anything wrong. But if it's given you the Ick then ditch him.

I agree with @CandyLeBonBon

@aSofaNearYou

And not only this, but the person would only commit to not sleeping around after you'd had sex together apparently from these posts. But no trust or romantic attachment could develop to the level required to have sex together the first time - if trying ti establish a relationship rather than just have a fuck - before knowing the person actually had sufficient respect for you not to be two-timing you or having sec with other people. No wonder OLD is such a nightmare: if this thread is to be believed that it now creates the exact opposite of the conditions requiring to start to form a relationship.

I think maybe it's related to a shift in thinking on what dating is and why you are doing it. My experience of dating hasn't been a serious, deliberate "trying to establish a relationship" contractual event, it's been more "hey we got on well in that chat, would you like to go out some time and see how it goes?" It might turn into a relationship but neither party goes in specifically to achieve that. So three dates could easily fall into the "just getting to know each other, not sure if it's anything serious yet" stage of dating.

That said, I would never in a million years mention this to a date and it's an obvious passion killer. But I wouldn't really have expected someone to stay celibate just because we had a date coming up, it would depend entirely on the tone of the relationship beforehand - are we really into each other and upfront about that, or are we just going for a drink?

Yeah. Grim. If someone can't even focus solely on you in the exciting "getting to know you" stage then they are clearly not that into you and have little moral fibre and very undesirable personal values. The idea you think this would be ok just because you'd lied about it and kept it quiet speaks volumes. What happens then if a relationship develops with the person you are supposedly dating? Do you tell them you've been having sex with other people while seeing them, like this guy did, or lie to them potentially forever? Anybody who can't see this is messed up is living in a moral vacuum.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Also agree that it’s a test - “am I fine to just sleep with whoever I like?” Also it’ll be hard to put a line in the sand as to when it’s no longer ok.

From the point that you ask someone on a date! A date isn't the same as a hookup. If you have arranged a date with someone you are "off the market" until you stop dating them. Basic etiquette.

@IrmaFayLear

I think it is an American idea. When I lived in the US, people would “date” and go out with multiple people simultaneously before committing to one in particular. But dating didn’t necessarily or in fact at all mean that sex had to be involved.

Now, however, dating does seem to mean stringless sex. It doesn’t really seem very flattering if the man you went out with on Friday and who wants to see you again is shagging someone else on the Saturday.

In the UK usually if a bloke plucks up the courage to ask you out it means that he is practically declaring undying love and is offering a lifelong relationship. A serial shagger would get a resounding no from me.

Grim isn't it? Yet another reason that importing US cultural norms to the UK just because they decided to adopt our language is a very bad idea. We have nothing in common with them in terms of cultural values, compared to most European countries.

@Morgoth

*I don't get this whole are you exclusive shit. If I'm dating someone then I wouldn't be dating anyone else and I wouldn't expect them to be. Let alone having a one night stand. Its so grim.*

Completely agree. This nonsense American-style exclusivity conversation that you are supposed to have these days is ludicrous or else anything goes. I see it on the relationship boards all the time. A poster will ask mumsnet if she is being too forward by asking exclusivity from the man she’s been sleeping with for a few months and posters will always pipe up that it’s “too soon and too intense to ask to be official”. Bizzare.

In fact, the dating scene is far worse than everything that’s been described in this thread. Not only do people have casual sex with others whilst getting to know someone special through dates but they don’t even stop having sex with others after they have done the deed with the person they are seriously dating because no “official exclusivity conversation has been had”.

I was dating a guy for a few months, we finally slept together and the next time I came over (armed with wine and ingredients to make a romantic meal), he was changing the bedsheets because he had had a girl round the night before. I was flabbergasted.

Apparently according to him and friends of mine, I shouldn’t have assumed that the person I was dating let alone sleeping with wasn’t sleeping with other people.

I’ve learnt my lesson and from now on I’m going to make sure that I ask explicit questions in the future before ever sleeping with someone new. Like other posters have said, it’s strange that the onus is on the person who wants monogamy and loyalty and respect to explicitly ask for it instead of the person who wants to sleep around stating that that’s what they want and is going to do. So weird how it’s not seen as the socially default position anymore.

Shit. Uuuuugh that is vile. What an arsehole. I'm so sorry. No decent man would do that or require you having a specific conversation beforehand to ask them not to.

Yeah. Grim. If someone can't even focus solely on you in the exciting "getting to know you" stage then they are clearly not that into you and have little moral fibre and very undesirable personal values. The idea you think this would be ok just because you'd lied about it and kept it quiet speaks volumes. What happens then if a relationship develops with the person you are supposedly dating? Do you tell them you've been having sex with other people while seeing them, like this guy did, or lie to them potentially forever? Anybody who can't see this is messed up is living in a moral vacuum.

Ouch. I don't really think this level of moral judgment is necessary, that was the point I was making. Perhaps it's different that this was not OLD and I was approached by these people, I didn't seek them out, so there was no level on which it was established that I or the men I went out with were specifically trying to establish a relationship. What happened was more "hey you seem nice, fancy going for a drink with me?" So they were casual occasions, not an agreement that we were "dating". Personally I'd made a judgment by three dates, but I was simply disagreeing with the notion that you are agreeing to only see them as soon as you agree to a date. You may just be two people with a budding connection at this point, rather than a fledgling couple. It all depends on the nature of your relationship and communication.

I wouldn't consider it lying to not mention that you'd seen someone else that early on, just unnecessary and off putting. It should obviously naturally stop as soon as you decide to pursue a romantic relationship.

@bookworm20

I’d be really weirded out if a man took me on a date, we agreed to meet again, and he expected me not to see anyone else in the meantime in case a relationship developed?

Really? OK maybe after one date, if it didn't work out, but then you wouldn't be seeing them again. But when going on a second? Why is the default now to just see and sleep with who you want unless you actually ask for exclusivity? Why isn't the default to be bloody respectful and loyal to someone you might potentially want to develop a relationship with?

If someone asked me on second date and I found out he'd then shagged someone else after asking me out again , He'd be binned so quick his feet wouldn't even touch the ground. It's pathetic and certainly not someone I would ever again give the time of day to.
You either want to date me, or you don't. I'm not an open ended option whilst you have a little shop around. If we don't work out, shop around then.

👏👏👏

I think this says a lot about him as a person. Sack him off and find someone that respects you.

I appreciate that the culture with online dating is probably a bit different, but, if you meet and ask someone out in real life, there's surely an assumption that you already like or are at least attracted to the person?

If I were to ask someone out on a date, I'd be thinking "I like you, I am attracted to you. I'd like to get to know you better and pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with you if it all goes well."

If i like the person well enough to ask them out in the first place, and then remain liking them enough to want a second and third date (and vice versa), why would I start seeing other people? It seems incredibly disrespectful to me.