Guy I've been on dates with has slept with someone else..aibu to be put off him?

[rachelsunshine]

I've had 3 dates with a guy and had a good time each time.
Tomorrow we have a date and we have booked for drinks and a meal.

He was out last night on a lads night out.
He has just text telling me he slept with someone last night and he wanted to be honest.
He said he still wants to see me tomorrow and hopes I still want to see him.
Aibu to be put off?
Would you still go ?

Yeah see I thought that its ok to go on 'dates' with multiple people at the same time (I.e. pre-anything sexual), but once you take that step to be intimate, then good etiquette suggests that the one at a time method takes over.

Well that's my understanding of dating 'rules' these days? If he's had sex with someone else but fancies his chances with you too, he's just hedging his bets isn't he?

@CandyLeBonBon

Yeah see I thought that its ok to go on 'dates' with multiple people at the same time (I.e. pre-anything sexual), but once you take that step to be intimate, then good etiquette suggests that the one at a time method takes over.

Well that's my understanding of dating 'rules' these days? If he's had sex with someone else but fancies his chances with you too, he's just hedging his bets isn't he?

Wow. I'd not be interested in anybody who wouldn't keep it in their pants from when they first asked me out on a date until we decided whether to progress things or not. How could you date anyone and not get the ick, or get any of the kind of connection or romantic feeling needed to form a relationship, if you knew that person was/ might be dating/ having sex with other people? It's so gross. From every point of view: romance, respect, sexual health....

sounds very gross

Uuugh, so you'd be fine dating someone and then potentially later being in a relationship with them them discovering that they'd actually been so little enthralled with meeting you that they fucked someone else just because you hadn't yet slept together/ discussed future relationship etc?

How is any potential relationship meant to have space to breathe and grow in such a toxic environment? With distrust and no romance and no respect; how could any deep connection form in these circumstances? If you'd just met someone you might consider as a future partner, not just a shag, surely you'd want to pursue them and all of your thoughts would be of them and the idea of fucking some random girl on a night out would be laughable?

I genuinely do not understand hoe anybody could think this is ok. If you start a relationship with this level of disrespect then it will likely not end very well.

@MagentaDragon I think you misunderstood my post? No need for the 'wow'.

Lockheart

some random bit of a skirt

What a charming and totally non-misogynistic way to refer to a woman (who has done nothing wrong by sleeping with this man).

Yes, because that is the reality of the situation and probably how he is viewing her/talking about her.

It's no reflection on her because it's highly likely that he is a misogynistic twat.

I'm genuinely surprised that the majority of women on this thread are completely assuming that a) he's obviously a complete arse and b) that it's completely fine to label all men arseholes.
We aren't allowed to talk about women in such broad brushstrokes these days but men must all be selfish arseholes??

I'm not saying he's not an arsehole, just that without more information we don't know. He may be young, and it may be that the whole one night stand thing is so foreign to him that he's surprised himself. He may have just have got unusually drunk.
Agreed it's odd he mentioned it, but perhaps he a shit liar or a bit ashamed of himself.

I think nowadays it is fairly common for people to 'keep their options open' in the early stages of dating. It's not uncommon for people to go on a few dates and then ghost the person in favour of another.

Which is appalling behaviour and not something that we should say it acceptable even if it is now common as you say. If someone considers things so casual then it's a hookup not a date and that should be made plain at the outset, not assumed.

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@MagentaDragon I think you misunderstood my post? No need for the 'wow'.

[/quote]
No I understood it perfectly. It wasn't meant to be rude. I was just expressing my surprise that - based on this thread - so many people are prepared to accept such disrespect from anyone that they'd consider potentially getting into a relationship with.

No. It's all meant to be sunshine and rainbows at the beginning. I know at this point he owes you nothing (and nor you him) but I'd be offended if it was done to me. I applaud his honesty tho & at least he's not strung you along beyond this 3 weeks.

@dayswithaY

I'd love to know who made up these new dating rules. Did a committee decide that if you meet someone and go on a few dates then you must remain completely unemotional about who they are also dating/having sex with. If you are lucky enough to be chosen over the other contenders then you earned the privilege of being "exclusive" and you may advertise this on social media.

I know lots of young women in their twenties and they have all chosen to stay single due to this degrading nonsense. In their shoes, I would too.

Meanwhile, this guy may not even have slept with anyone but he really wants you to think he has. You have to wonder why that is.

And not only this, but the person would only commit to not sleeping around after you'd had sex together apparently from these posts. But no trust or romantic attachment could develop to the level required to have sex together the first time - if trying ti establish a relationship rather than just have a fuck - before knowing the person actually had sufficient respect for you not to be two-timing you or having sec with other people. No wonder OLD is such a nightmare: if this thread is to be believed that it now creates the exact opposite of the conditions requiring to start to form a relationship.

And not only this, but the person would only commit to not sleeping around after you'd had sex together apparently from these posts. But no trust or romantic attachment could develop to the level required to have sex together the first time - if trying ti establish a relationship rather than just have a fuck - before knowing the person actually had sufficient respect for you not to be two-timing you or having sec with other people. No wonder OLD is such a nightmare: if this thread is to be believed that it now creates the exact opposite of the conditions requiring to start to form a relationship.

I think maybe it's related to a shift in thinking on what dating is and why you are doing it. My experience of dating hasn't been a serious, deliberate "trying to establish a relationship" contractual event, it's been more "hey we got on well in that chat, would you like to go out some time and see how it goes?" It might turn into a relationship but neither party goes in specifically to achieve that. So three dates could easily fall into the "just getting to know each other, not sure if it's anything serious yet" stage of dating.

That said, I would never in a million years mention this to a date and it's an obvious passion killer. But I wouldn't really have expected someone to stay celibate just because we had a date coming up, it would depend entirely on the tone of the relationship beforehand - are we really into each other and upfront about that, or are we just going for a drink?

God knows why he felt the need to tell you that. What is wrong with men these days? I agree with pps that he is testing you - he is testing your self-respect and how much shit from men you are prepared to put up with. So the answer is a firm “no” and then block him permanently. Don’t waste time with these nonsense games, life is too short.

Yes I’d be put off and not see him. Technically done nothing wrong but why tell you?

Also agree that it’s a test - “am I fine to just sleep with whoever I like?”
Also it’ll be hard to put a line in the sand as to when it’s no longer ok.

Wtf no way - dump him.

There is a weird concept some people have that the relationship isn’t exclusive until you both discuss that. I’ve only ever seen that mentioned on American tv though. I wouldn’t find a guy attractive who was dating me while sleeping around, if he respected you at all, he’d wait to see how it goes with you and be celibate in the meantime.

@MeadowLines

I agree with *@Aprilx* and Im mid thirties. As far as I'm concerned if youre going on dates with someone then youre dating that person and find this whole thing of having to secure exclusivity ridiculous! Also the fact that he had a one night stand with a random person would put me off him totally!

This.

I don't get this whole are you exclusive shit. If I'm dating someone then I wouldn't be dating anyone else and I wouldn't expect them to be. Let alone having a one night stand. Its so grim.

If he did really like you and wanted a relationship with you, he would not be out looking for a quick shag on his lads night out. he has zero respect for you. Bin him.

I'm another who doesn't get the whole 'you're only exclusive I've you've agreed be' mindset. As far as I'm concerned, its back to front. If I'm dating someone, then we are exclusive - if I wanted a FWB or a casual thing , then that's what I would ask for.

I have tried online dating apps but never got further than a few chats. Id rather meet someone the old fashioned way and get to know them first

I don't get this whole are you exclusive shit. If I'm dating someone then I wouldn't be dating anyone else and I wouldn't expect them to be. Let alone having a one night stand. Its so grim.

Idk, doesn't it depend on the nature of the dates? I once had a few different dates in the space of a couple of weeks, I didn't really know them before we went out so I don't think there should have been any assumption that I wasn't dating anyone else. They were pretty casual dates, too, just basically having a drink/seeing a film and seeing if we had a spark. If I remember rightly I went on a second date with two of them and then ended up connecting more with one of them. The point being that it was only around the third date that I thought "right, this might go somewhere, maybe we should step it up a bit". I didn't consider either of them my boyfriend or someone I was officially "dating" beforehand, they were just someone I'd gone on a couple of dates with.

I think it's natural for the first couple of meetings to not be an exclusive dating scenario, it just really depends on the intensity of the kind of contact you've had and if you've talked about more serious feelings or intentions.

I wouldn't want to hear about anyone I was dating's recent or historic ONSs, so I wouldn't want or expect them to be brought up.

I think it is an American idea. When I lived in the US, people would “date” and go out with multiple people simultaneously before committing to one in particular. But dating didn’t necessarily or in fact at all mean that sex had to be involved.

Now, however, dating does seem to mean stringless sex. It doesn’t really seem very flattering if the man you went out with on Friday and who wants to see you again is shagging someone else on the Saturday.

In the UK usually if a bloke plucks up the courage to ask you out it means that he is practically declaring undying love and is offering a lifelong relationship. A serial shagger would get a resounding no from me.

@IrmaFayLear

I think it is an American idea. When I lived in the US, people would “date” and go out with multiple people simultaneously before committing to one in particular. But dating didn’t necessarily or in fact at all mean that sex had to be involved.

Now, however, dating does seem to mean stringless sex. It doesn’t really seem very flattering if the man you went out with on Friday and who wants to see you again is shagging someone else on the Saturday.

In the UK usually if a bloke plucks up the courage to ask you out it means that he is practically declaring undying love and is offering a lifelong relationship. A serial shagger would get a resounding no from me.

Im not sure this is an accurate representation of either country.

I don't get this whole are you exclusive shit. If I'm dating someone then I wouldn't be dating anyone else and I wouldn't expect them to be. Let alone having a one night stand. Its so grim.

Absolutely and yet people worry about hot tubs spreading disease and being revolting soup tureens of bodily waste.

I don't get this whole are you exclusive shit. If I'm dating someone then I wouldn't be dating anyone else and I wouldn't expect them to be. Let alone having a one night stand. Its so grim.

Completely agree. This nonsense American-style exclusivity conversation that you are supposed to have these days is ludicrous or else anything goes. I see it on the relationship boards all the time. A poster will ask mumsnet if she is being too forward by asking exclusivity from the man she’s been sleeping with for a few months and posters will always pipe up that it’s “too soon and too intense to ask to be official”. Bizzare.

In fact, the dating scene is far worse than everything that’s been described in this thread. Not only do people have casual sex with others whilst getting to know someone special through dates but they don’t even stop having sex with others after they have done the deed with the person they are seriously dating because no “official exclusivity conversation has been had”.

I was dating a guy for a few months, we finally slept together and the next time I came over (armed with wine and ingredients to make a romantic meal), he was changing the bedsheets because he had had a girl round the night before. I was flabbergasted.

Apparently according to him and friends of mine, I shouldn’t have assumed that the person I was dating let alone sleeping with wasn’t sleeping with other people.

I’ve learnt my lesson and from now on I’m going to make sure that I ask explicit questions in the future before ever sleeping with someone new. Like other posters have said, it’s strange that the onus is on the person who wants monogamy and loyalty and respect to explicitly ask for it instead of the person who wants to sleep around stating that that’s what they want and is going to do. So weird how it’s not seen as the socially default position anymore.

@MagentaDragon

Uuugh, so you'd be fine dating someone and then potentially later being in a relationship with them them discovering that they'd actually been so little enthralled with meeting you that they fucked someone else just because you hadn't yet slept together/ discussed future relationship etc?

How is any potential relationship meant to have space to breathe and grow in such a toxic environment? With distrust and no romance and no respect; how could any deep connection form in these circumstances? If you'd just met someone you might consider as a future partner, not just a shag, surely you'd want to pursue them and all of your thoughts would be of them and the idea of fucking some random girl on a night out would be laughable?

I genuinely do not understand hoe anybody could think this is ok. If you start a relationship with this level of disrespect then it will likely not end very well.

I hope you’re not single and dating because you’ll be sorely disappointed if you expect people to be exclusively seeing you from the moment they ask you on a date. I’d be really weirded out if a man took me on a date, we agreed to meet again, and he expected me not to see anyone else in the meantime in case a relationship developed?! I’m not anyone’s property, I like to date multiple people to widen the chances of meeting someone. If I develop feelings for one over the others then the exclusivity conversation happens. If I felt like being sexual with someone I went on a date with, well, it’s nobody else’s business because I’m single until a conversation has been had about being exclusive. I’m a woman, btw.

Having said that, you’re not BU to be put off by it OP if it’s not for you. Some people clearly do think the right way to do things is only see one person at a time and while I personally don’t agree with that, there will be someone out there for you who does. So while I don’t think he’s done anything wrong I do think it’s odd that he told you, and you can stop dating someone for whatever reason you like.