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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 29/05/2021 19:27

then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk.

You need to plan things in advance, if he uhms and aahs rather than a flat out “no” just book it and remind him during the week that “we’ve got X booked for Saturday”. Obviously you can’t book something for every weekend so on the Friday evening decide what you’re doing the next day. If he says “dunno/nothing” say “great- you can have baby and I’ll go and meet Jane/mum/have my hair done/go to the swimming pool etc”

HarrisMcCoo · 29/05/2021 19:27

I couldn't tolerate living with someone like that! DH and I are both up very early each day, including weekends. You can sleep when you are dead!

Life is short, you have to get up and seize the moment. Carpe Diem.

We have a big family and a dog and are out doing stuff all the time.

MegBusset · 29/05/2021 19:32

Thing is unless you tackle the root cause (financial inequality in your relationship) then this problem is not going to be solved, is it?

So if you're happy with that, and things staying just as they are, you do you.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2021 19:33

So say I LTB (which people seem to think I should?) and then I have all the work and all the money.

We don't have joint finances either and I funded my own maternity leave. We are not married so it's a bit different. But even I can see there's a middle way between LTB and not saying anything. Have you asked to borrow his card to book something? Have you told him you have no.money? Who is going to pay for nursery? Hopefully you will split it 50 50.
And what is it you want to do that's so expensive anyway?

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:35

So a farm visit is £7 and obviously for two of us that’s £14. That’s not an insignificant amount to me at the moment. But tbh I am feeling really judged here.

OP posts:

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:35

We've always had our own money and a joint account. I had 2 mat leaves and although it felt odd dipping into the joint account more, I never felt like I had to ask. Dh did once offer to buy me 'a pretty dress' so I could go out. I think he meant well.

This is the thing. It's ok to have separate finances but when you are on mat leave and have near to zero income because you've taken on the sole childcare of a shared child it's horrifying to not even be able to spend 20-30 £ booking a day out. That's financial abuse whether OP cares to recognise that or not

miltonj · 29/05/2021 19:36

Finances aside, taking your baby out and about doesn't mean that she would just be 'sitting in the oran watching you'. I get DD out of the pram or sling and she interacts with the world around her. Whilst baby centric activities are great, them experiencing normal life is beneficial too!

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:37

It is, and she does, but not for the entire duration of the day!

OP posts:

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:38

But tbh I am feeling really judged here.

I think people are just trying to help, not judge. It’s not fair if he has access you money and you don’t, especially when it’s to take his child out.

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:39

access TO money

lalafafa · 29/05/2021 19:39

How do you pay for things for your DD and your personal stuff?

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2021 19:39

I do want to be doing stuff for DD and not just have her sat in a pram watching us!

But at 6 months she doesn't benefit any less from people watching in a pub or cafe or supermarket, than she would from looking at animals in a zoo. She is presumably non mobile so no point in soft play. Even swimming is probably more for your benefit than hers at this age. She would get just as much enjoyment from the bath. She will benefit most from going out and about doing normal things such as shopping, and having close relationships with parents. All that toddler stuff is completely pointless until about a year old.

JaffaRaf · 29/05/2021 19:40

Having separate finances isn’t terrible, but from your replies he either won’t allow you the money for something like this, which is terrible (he could even just give you the money for his own ticket and it wouldn’t be so bad), or you don’t want to ask him and book in advance and then really you sound as bad as each other to be honest. I understand the desire to want him to change and book and organise things without being asked, but clearly that’s not him because he doesn’t want to do it, you can’t change him. My DH never books farm tickets, I check he’s ok with my plan, book it and he comes happily, it’s not a big deal (although our finances are shared which gets rid of your main issue).

Imknackeredzzz · 29/05/2021 19:41

God he sounds awful, lazy and mean.
Ugh couldn’t be doing with it, I feel sorry for you OP. What a prize you have there!

Giantrooster · 29/05/2021 19:42

You choose how to live. But I'm afraid by not setting higher standards for his interactions with your dc (keeping her to yourself to enjoy) is creating a rod for your own back. Down the line you'll need him stepping up.

Itstheprinciple · 29/05/2021 19:42

I think you need a separate account that both of you have access to to book/pay for things for DD. OK, you don't expect to share finances between yourself and that's your own business but you do need access to money for family activities. You can pay into this account too when you are back at work.

I think it's weird at the moment anyway because you have to book so many places in advance because of social distancing. If you are NT members though, you won't have to pay so just tell him you're going there on Saturday. You can have a wander together and a coffee and there's usually a play park area for DD.

missymousey · 29/05/2021 19:44

Book him and DD into a baby class on a Saturday morning and have a lie in?

Or just arrange something for you all to do together and tell him about it, rather than asking.

Although I do agree with pp that I would quickly get a bit fed up with the assumption that I would do all the organising tbh.

Rover83 · 29/05/2021 19:45

Maybe your DH doesn't feel like a 6mo would get much out of the things you suggest and thinks it's a waste of money, maybe he thinks you are suggesting things for the future. If you want him to book something tell him to book it rather than just suggesting it. "DH I fancy going to the zoo this weekend book the tickets now please!"

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2021 19:45

So a farm visit is £7 and obviously for two of us that’s £14. That’s not an insignificant amount to me at the moment. But tbh I am feeling really judged here.

So book it and ask him for the cash? I don't think anyone's judging you, but your partner is coming across as really tightfisted (unless he genuinely doesn't realise your financial situation, but if not then it's really important to discuss it with him.openly. Either he will be horrified and immediately transfer you some money, or not. If not then you need to request that he does so. If he refuses then I think the relationship is doomed. Unless there's some back story about profligate spending. But £14 for a day out seems perfectly reasonable to me).

Waveafterwaveslowlydrifting · 29/05/2021 19:46

You shouldn't have to ask for cash to take the baby to a farm.
He is controlling your spending and that's not ok

1forAll74 · 29/05/2021 19:46

It all needs to be talked about, organised, and sorted out, and no hanging about at all allowed.

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:46

But tbh I am feeling really judged here.

Trust me, no one is judging you. Your DH yes! He's happily agreed to you taking a break in your career which we all know can affect future potential without even allowing you to have access to basic funds for simple days out while you have little income and he gets to carry on as normal. We just hope you realise this is it right!

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:48

@Rover83

Hmm ... he could say that then.

waves he isn’t tbf. I suppose I am at fault. Just not used to not having any money!

OP posts:

SoSadAboutMyDad · 29/05/2021 19:48

He sounds like an absolute twat. I’m a stay at home mum and have complete access to the family finances. I buy whatever I want. No need to check with or run it by DH at all.

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he pools the family money so you have complete access and pulls his socks up generally as a partner and father or he pisses off. You’d be better off without him in all ways. At the moment you are just the unpaid skivvy. He should at least be paying you a wage as a nanny/housekeeper. He doesn’t respect you. If he did he wouldn’t be happy knowing you were short of money because you are looking after his child. What a wanker.

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:49

You would, I wouldn’t. There we go/

OP posts:

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