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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:
cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:10

Even if you don't want to sleep in, you could get up, go out and meet a friend for breakfast on a Sunday. Or go for a swim. Or go shopping. Or anything you like!

Presumably as that all costs money the same as a family day out

Veryverycalmnow · 29/05/2021 19:10

It's frustrating for you that when he's around he's not being that proactive and not twigged that he needs to be up, organised and ready to get out for a day out somewhere. Do you have any mutual friends that have kids. Might be useful for you to hang out with them at the weekend. Other than that, I'd tell him it's annoying and not fair!

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:12

It's frustrating for you that when he's around he's not being that proactive and not twigged that he needs to be up, organised and ready to get out for a day out somewhere.

He's a functioning adult, of course he's 'twigged' he's just not bothered.

notacooldad · 29/05/2021 19:13

Do you have a car,?
For a couple of years I didn't work weekends.
We went out everysingle weekend somewhere. I bought a note book and did a silly drawing and wrote things like me, mummy and dady went to the beach. A seagull nearly ate daddy's ice cream. I found it a few years ago and was amazed at how much we had done with the kids.
We went to beaches different cities sometimes we would book in a Premier Inn. We went to museums, the countryside , parks.
Don't miss out on doing things with your little one. A lot of things aren't expensive. We have / had a rail card.
Get ready as much as you can the night before eg clothes laid , picnic food, baby bag sorted , set a reasonable time to want to leave and go.

Have a look on face book to see if there is a family page. I can't remember the proper title for the one I'm on but is something like 'lancashire family days out' If you have something similar there will be loads of info on including things to do that are free.

Royalbloo · 29/05/2021 19:14

This is why I am single (along with a few other reasons)

anunexaminedlife · 29/05/2021 19:14

It's like you're trying to make this thread semi lighthearted but it's actually really dark and I feel sorry for you.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:15

I don’t see it as dark at all but I obviously can’t stop you feeling sorry for me!

OP posts:
sar302 · 29/05/2021 19:15

Ok, so there are two options then, either he shares his money with you while you're on maternity leave, with reduced salary, (looking after his baby). Or you sit down every Thursday night together, with his card, and book something. Because you can't carry on the way you are.

In an ideal world, you should have access to whatever money you need AND have a husband who takes part proactively at the weekends. Currently you have neither. But you could at least have one!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2021 19:15

Hi OP

I don't want to jump on the bandwagon but everyone I know that finds it easier when their husband isnt there because their routine is disrupted has later broken up.

I absolutely hate it when my husband is away with work, because there is no adult company, and when I'm the only adult, my workload doubles.

2 adults to one child should mean you do half the childcare work when your husband is there. That means you either get more family time, or more free time. If you feel like he is getting in the way, there is something a bit wrong with the picture.

There is also something a bit wrong with the picture when you want to do stuff, but cant suggest or book a family activity because you cant afford to pay for it, but your husband can, and just chooses to do a walk. Why arent you speaking to him about this? If you dont have the funds, sending him a couple of links and saying 'can you book one of these for the weekend?'. Why do you think it's an acceptable situation for you to have no family funds at your disposal?

People are saying it's not right not because they're being picky or because they think their way is the only way, but because they have seen lots of situations like this before and they generally end badly for the mother

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:16

I’m not unhappy with what you are claiming I’m unhappy with, though.

But you are. You want to go places but don’t have the money. He presumably has the money, as you suggest going there and wait on him to make the decision, but he never gets around to booking.
So he needs to give you enough money so that you can do these things without needing him, being as he doesn’t want to do them. Then you can go...whether you want to continue a relationship like that though, is a question I’d be asking myself.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:17

I suggest it! I honestly think people have read more into it than is there. I should probably be more pushy with stuff but short of ‘get your fucking card and book it!’ I don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:18

Well the thing is kale I see this a lot on MN and I have to be honest it’s never made much sense to me.

So say I LTB (which people seem to think I should?) and then I have all the work and all the money.

That won’t improve life, particularly.

It is a bit frustrating but it’s short lived tbf.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 29/05/2021 19:20

Well, the threads moved on since I started writing out my post with some ideas.
The money situation us quite frankly ridiculous.
Dont have family money!!! And you are happy with that.
So you are not functioning as a team.
Absolutely crazy and you are selling you and ( his ) baby short.
However,there's no advice to give if you are happy.

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:21

I suggest it! I honestly think people have read more into it than is there. I should probably be more pushy with stuff but short of ‘get your fucking card and book it!’ I don’t know what to do!

Yes you need to be more pushy and proactive if it's something you want as he clearly isn't bothered. But it shouldn't be this way! It's concerning you don't see that!

linerforlife · 29/05/2021 19:21

Has he always been like this? After the last year, I've found that I have kind of forgotten what DH and I used to do before covid!! Plus we've had a baby during that time too. So I feel a bit stuck in the mindset of lockdown sometimes, and I know I can leave the house but I can't remember where we used to go or what we used to do!!! Rather than blame him for not organising anything as other posters seem keen for, why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt for a month or so and plan stuff for you to do. If a walk is his comfortable thing at the moment that's great - go for a walk near a great pub for lunch, or along the seafront and stop for a coffee and breakfast! Go to a bar and sit outside with baby for a beer in the sun. Go places you used to like being together and see if it sparks his imagination.

TheMoth · 29/05/2021 19:21

It's been a while since I had a 6 month old, so trying to remember what we did. I do remember preferring weekdays cos I had a routine and would go and see my new mum mates/ baby groups etc.

We just to take dc swimming every Sunday morning. I don't remember planning any big, special things to do at weekends. That came when we had 2 kids and dc1 hit toddler stage. But then it tended to be parks/ soft play.

miltonj · 29/05/2021 19:21

@Sheeeeeep

Before baby we went away for a fair few weekends, city type breaks. Pubs, restaurants, cinema, theatre. Can’t really do them now!
You could do all most of those things! Maybe not cinema or theatre until she's a bit older but there's no reason having a baby should stop you going to restaurants, pub lunches, city breaks!
Shoxfordian · 29/05/2021 19:22

He doesn’t treat you like an equal partner and it’s not normal to have no access to shared finances

Hope you’re back to full time work soon because you can’t rely on this one

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/05/2021 19:23

I really wouldn’t bother with farm parks / soft plays / toddler splash sessions with a 6 month old unless you especially want to go. Leave it a year and it will be a lot more value to them.

Some cinemas do baby friendly screenings, or at least they did pre covid. Not necessarily kids films, but you won’t get death stares if your baby cries a bit.

Alternate morning responsibility on weekends is fair.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2021 19:24

It sounds like you have a different pace at the weekend and you like to be busy whereas he likes to stay home. I think you need to plan one family activity for each weekend, that lasts for a morning or afternoon, and get him to agree in advance. Doesn't need to be expensive or child friendly as a 6 month old won't care. If you are nt members you could go there, or visit a pub or cafe, go swimming, go shopping, a museum or gallery, visit friends or family, etc. He will still have the rest of the weekend to relax. Then if you have more energy you can make other plans for the rest of the weekend that don't include him.

LannieDuck · 29/05/2021 19:24

You'll have joint money when you go back to work?!

You mean... after you've taken the hit of a year of low maternity pay all by yourself, while he continues to have his full pay? Is he taking any parental leave? (I doubt it.)

Of course he's happy to share finances once you're working again! Unbelievable that you both think that's acceptable.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:24

liner I know exactly what you mean!

Problem is, we have obviously had lockdown and all the chaos in that time. And we weren’t always together at weekends either, so that’s another factor.

You can nip in milton sure but much as I’m scared to mention it now Grin there are finances to consider and plus I do want to be doing stuff for DD and not just have her sat in a pram watching us!

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:25

So say I LTB (which people seem to think I should?) and then I have all the work and all the money.

I’m not saying you should leave him. If he’s otherwise a good partner then it would be good to address the issues you have with him, sort them out and be happier.

Equally, it can be hard to live your life feeling that your partner puts in no effort. Some people would rather be by themselves than be with a partner who lives with them, but actually isn’t really ‘with’ them, as they’re not taking an active part in things. The frustration and resentment just builds.

HarrisMcCoo · 29/05/2021 19:25

10 or 11 lie in😂🙊

TheMoth · 29/05/2021 19:26

We've always had our own money and a joint account. I had 2 mat leaves and although it felt odd dipping into the joint account more, I never felt like I had to ask. Dh did once offer to buy me 'a pretty dress' so I could go out. I think he meant well.