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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:

chaosmaker · 29/05/2021 18:27

Can you say the type of things you'd like to do and tell him he has to actually do all the planning etc. Sometimes giving men a limited choice makes it easier all round. Exclude walks in your preferred things to do :D

OrangePowder · 29/05/2021 18:28

So actually, the real issue is that he wants to go for a walk and you don't, so it's only right that you organise it IMO. FWIW I'd far rather walk, especially on a weekend like this, than go to any bookable attraction too.

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 18:32

No orange, he doesn’t ‘want to go for a walk’, there is nothing left other than go on a walk by the time he’s out of bed.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. It might be different if he was passionate about walking but he isn’t! And tbh like I say I am sick of going for walks by now!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 18:33

So I’ve suggested a few things, linked to them and sent them to him, he agrees they look good and then doesn’t book them so by the next weekend we are still stuck with walks!

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 29/05/2021 18:33

Is he in the loop as to what sort of family activities exist? If he's working ft he wont be in that zone yet really of farm parks / soft plays / toddler splash sessions etc that exist and that, as the one off onat lrae you might have been told about at playgroups etc. Chuck a bunch of leaflets at him, or send him some links and then work together. You might have been walking every day but he hasn't so YANBU to be bored but YABU to expect him to just know that you want to do other things.
What did you do on w/e before the baby though? In hindsight my ex and I totally lost ourselves as a couple and every weekend was soft play or park or swimming but nothing we wanted to do. We should have had pub lunches in places with playgrounds, gone round museums, open air concerts etc. Try and make what you did before still happen as far as possible, as well as things specifically for dd.

HugeAckmansWife · 29/05/2021 18:34

Sorry cross posted. So boost it a bit..say 'let's book x' and to e honest, if you're on mat leave, just do it.

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 18:35

Maternity leave equals maternity pay, unfortunately.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 18:36

@Sheeeeeep

Maternity leave equals maternity pay, unfortunately.

Do you not have access to family money OP?

Macncheeseballs · 29/05/2021 18:37

Yes it's annoying, sometimes i book things up regardless

mommybear1 · 29/05/2021 18:38

I took two approaches with DH 1 - book everything like swimming and soft play/ family visits/ NT places and tell him the plan and times. 2- crack on with the day as if it's a week day without him and when he asked what the plan was said I was waiting for him to tell me but I'd crack on in any event with my own plans. I can't stand waiting around.

Slayduggee · 29/05/2021 18:38

When DD was born DH was a bit of a crap dad. I booked DD in for swimming lesson on Sat AM under the guise that I got to do baby groups so DH should do some fun stuff with DD. I reality it’s stops the lazing around in the morning. By the time DD/DH come back home lunch is ready and then we can go straight out as everyone is already ready.

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 18:39

We don’t really have family money and I’m happy with that tbh. We will have a joint account when I go back to work but just now I don’t have enough spare cash to be booking things that cost money. I do pay for our national trust membership so I’m not a complete freeloader! But I’m on the unpaid bit of ML so I really don’t have ~~any~~ much spare cash!

OP posts:

chaosmaker · 29/05/2021 18:40

@Sheeeeeep

So I’ve suggested a few things, linked to them and sent them to him, he agrees they look good and then doesn’t book them so by the next weekend we are still stuck with walks!

In that case, I'd be really annoyed by now, too. Sorry I don't have any other suggestions :(

Unanananana · 29/05/2021 18:40

My god why wait for him? Book stuff and go out. If he chooses to join you then great! If not, he loses out.

I can't believe you sit about and entertain his lie ins (where is your lie in??) and TWO HOURS of faffing?!

Is he lacking lazy in other areas too? Why don't you have access to any other money than maternity pay?

Time to reassess I think. It'll only get worse if its not nipped in the bud.

JellyTumble · 29/05/2021 18:43

Your finances should be joint - you have a child. You should book the activities and just drag him along to them.

Sidesaladofchips · 29/05/2021 18:43

Wtf, make him get up early on weekends and you lie in until gone 10am. Make sure you make it known that you expect tea and toast ready when you wake up as well.

I wouldn't be putting up with this shit.

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 18:44

No, they shouldn’t be jelly

There is absolutely no law to state that finances are joined when you have a child and I’m OK with the arrangement. I’m just making it clear there - MN word is not the way it has to be.

In RL everyone does things differently and that’s fine.

OP posts:

InsideNumberNine · 29/05/2021 18:44

The deal here (DS4) is whoever is up with him plans the days activities. In non COVID times I tend to get us out early - Park or trampolining or swimming, back for lunch then a walk out somewhere local.

But I'm damned if I'm planning both days! Sunday is my lie in and it's an unwritten rule that if I've given him a free morning, I get the same in return.

KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 18:45

@Sheeeeeep

What does he pay for your child and her activities? When does he parent her?

Why does he (and you) think it's acceptable for you and you alone to receive reduced income and pension whilst raising your joint child?

OrangePowder · 29/05/2021 18:45

Oh no. The money thing is a completely different issue. You shouldn't be managing on maternity pay at all, your maternity leave is a shared cost, off course you need access to family money, especially for family activities, but just because too.

You need to sort this out now. If you are the primary carer, your future earning power will be affected . It will be you who takes leave when DC are ill,who needs hours around childcare etc etc. Which is fine if that suits you, but DH absolutely needs to contribute to that financially. How can he (or you)possibly think it's OK that you currently have no money?

JaffaRaf · 29/05/2021 18:47

Can he afford to book things and you just don’t have access to that money? Or do the pair of you just not have the money to book things and so the only option is walks at the minute? If it’s the former tell him you need some money to book something for the weekend, and then just book it yourself, don’t let him dither. Or maybe try and find a thing that you do every Saturday morning such as taking the baby swimming together. I can understand him not being motivated to just book it off his own back when he’d clearly rather just relax and potter about at the weekends, but he really does need to make sure he’s paying attention to your needs and family finances.

miltonj · 29/05/2021 18:47

You wouldn't be a feee rider any way.... you're raising a child!!

Any way, that aside, we went to the beach today with our baby. We're not near the coast so it was a drive but we've had a lovely day. Other than that... what did you do with him before the baby? Just do that... apart from spending all night in bars... I find it's best to try and fit the baby around your lifestyle... leads for happier mum, happier child.

billy1966 · 29/05/2021 18:48

Lazy AND mean, what a prize.

Original poster

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 18:49

I do have some money, just don’t have enough to be organising activities at the weekend.

I guess tbf it’s a short lived thing - I’ll be back at work soon (unfortunately!) but it is a bit annoying!

OP posts:

Embracelife · 29/05/2021 18:49

At 6 months they don't need baby /toddler specific.
Go to your NT places.

Leave baby with him and go for a run.
Get up then leave him with baby

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