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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:
sar302 · 29/05/2021 19:49

If he won't book anything, and you can't afford to book anything, and you won't sit down with him and book anything together, you're out of options! You have to change something, or accept the weekend walks.

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:50

I've made my comments assuming it was something more expensive- £14 for a small farm (which yes most baby's will love) and even that isn't possible for you to book? Wow!

SoSadAboutMyDad · 29/05/2021 19:51

Bloody hellConfused he’s keeping you that short that you can’t afford £14 for a day out with your baby? I’ve just booked a £100 day out for us all tomorrow which DH knows nothing about. When he gets in later I’ll tell him where we’re going tomorrow, we’ll all be up in time and we’ll go. He sounds abusive.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2021 19:51

Actually op, from new born up till about 1 is the BEST chance (and only chance without childcare fees) you'll get in the next twelve years or so (or more if you have more dc) to still enjoy city breaks and restaurants. Just strap baby to one of you and carry on life exactly as you did before. Baby doesn't care if she's looking at a giraffe or architecture.

Dancingsmile · 29/05/2021 19:52

Flip it on its head.
He doesn't have head space to book or think about weekend in the week. How about he transfers £30 into your account to book something. The only difference is you're taking the mental load about thinking about it off him , he's relieved. He's paying still as he would have done but no pressure on him .
All happy on the weekend

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2021 19:53

And, you are unhappy op. That is the exact point of your post.

No one is judging, just many of us have been there and can spot the outcome of this a mile off.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2021 19:54

I suppose I am at fault. Just not used to not having any money!

I think it's hard to discuss if you are used to being independent financially. Can you challenge yourself to discuss it with him tonight? You will need to as time goes on, these things don't sort themselves out no matter how well meaning he may be. There will be lots of other child related expenses to come. Better to sort it out sooner rather than later. So many women seem to take on the entire financial burden of children - career breaks, working part time, paying for nursery and buying clothes, presents, hobbies etc.

Shadedog · 29/05/2021 19:55

This in bonkers. You don’t want access to money, you can’t pay for things, you don’t want to do free things, you don’t want to tell him to book something. What actually happens if you say “I’d like to go to the farm next weekend, it’s £14, can you either book it or transfer me the money to book it?” Does he just tell you to fuck off, because if he does, that’s your answer.

Dddccc · 29/05/2021 19:57

Hold on you do things all week baby groups ect so I don't get why you don't chill on a weekend 6 months old don't know any different and I have having to do stuff on my days off is he paying all the bills and stuff and does he have much left over and dropping down to 1 wage is hard anyway

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:57

No, we’ve never told each other to fuck off and it shows what you think of us that you think that’s normal.

OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 29/05/2021 19:58

Bloody hell OP. Caring for your JOINT child all week and you don't have £14 for a farm visit! That's absolutely shocking. We have separate current accounts and joint savings. On maternity leave I just took what I needed.

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:58

So would he give you the money?

KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 19:58

@Sheeeeeep

So a farm visit is £7 and obviously for two of us that’s £14. That’s not an insignificant amount to me at the moment. But tbh I am feeling really judged here.
I know you're ignoring my questions but why wouldn't your DH pay for you as it's an activity to benefit your joint child and he earns more?

Honestly if you are equal parents you should have equal pension contributions and equal spending money during the time you're off work raising your joint child

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 19:58
OP posts:
JellyTumble · 29/05/2021 19:59

@Sheeeeeep

Similarly to how you’ve given up expecting your relationship to be healthy and fair, too.
MegBusset · 29/05/2021 20:00

I think everyone on this thread is giving up tbh!

Ellpellwood · 29/05/2021 20:00

@Sheeeeeep

Why? "If you told him to get his card and book it, would he?" is a fair question, unless both of you are skint as he's taken on all the bills.b
notacooldad · 29/05/2021 20:00

So say I LTB (which people seem to think I should?) and then I have all the work and all the money
I don't think you should ltb but you should be working as a team and a family. You clearly aren't. The longer it continues the more dysfunctional your life will become.
I don't think you are going to be happy for ever.
People have given you tons of advice. You either don't want it or just posting on here for a laugh to wind people up.
Only you know which one it is.

JaffaRaf · 29/05/2021 20:00

Gives up on what? What do you actually want anyone to suggest? We can’t make him more motivated either you no.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:01

Kidney tbh I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose.

This is probably ridiculously British but I’m really not comfortable discussing money. So I’d rather draw a line on that discussion.

I am not being financially abused and I do have access to money but my money is very limited, as it would be as I’m not earning anything ATM.

I don’t want to discuss it, it’s personal (I’m pretty sure it’s generally accepted that finances and health are private and yeah it’s anon and all but still ... I’m not OK with it. OK? Smile)

OP posts:
felulageller · 29/05/2021 20:01

Well this is financial abuse.

Just because you don't see it op doesn't mean it's not there.

Decent husbands and father's don't have wives short of £14 for a farm park.

notacooldad · 29/05/2021 20:01

**
Me to.
👋

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/05/2021 20:02

Being married means it doesn't really matter who is earning what, who's on maternity etc, if you split it's all marital money and 50:50 (barring a few exceptions of v short marriage and the like).

You shouldn't be short, and you shouldn't be thinking it will be fine when you're back at work.

Have you actually said DH, I can't afford to be shouldering all the costs for DD? If he doesn't look shocked and immediately agree to sorting out equal spending and whatnot then he doesn't think it's an issue that you are poor while he accesses all funds at any time.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2021 20:02

No, we’ve never told each other to fuck off and it shows what you think of us that you think that’s normal.

Assume the poster was meaning that figuratively rather than the exact wording! So have you actually asked him, or are you afraid of his reaction? I mean he either says yes of course no.problem and do you need anything else, or he drags his feet and makes you feel embarrassed for asking.

Starseeking · 29/05/2021 20:02

Does your DH know that you don't have any money to do activities?

Have you ever actually asked him for any money to book things?

Or do the two of you just never discuss finances?