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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:
Keha · 29/05/2021 22:30

What was he like before? Me and DH take it in turns to have a lie in, and we will easily stay in bed till mid to late morning. Some weekends we'll plan a day out or book an activity like swimming, but to be honest I don't like lots of scheduled activities, we quite enjoy pottering in the garden, waking to local shops to get lunch, going to local parks or woods. We have a 1 year old DD. Could his idea of a relaxing weekend be a bit different to yours?

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/05/2021 22:35

OP you came on here for a whinge and you've certainly had that in spades. But you can't expect to post what you have and everyone to go there, there. If that's all you want, whinge to the cat, or the floor mop or something. OK it won't go there, there, but it won't make any suggestions either.

You have a DH problem. Not a money problem if you don't see it that way, but you don't have a DH who makes little contribution to life as a family and takes the easy way out when he does. He doesn't appreciate what you have to do week in and week out. he doesn't listen when you say you go on walks Monday - Friday and you need to do something different for your own sanity.

Or maybe you've just never said that to him because you feel that having to say out loud something like that shows that you are depending on someone for something, and you don't believe that's who you are. Maybe you don't have a DH problem. Maybe you have a you problem. Maybe he feels like you don't actually need him. I don't know, I don't live on your shoulder to see it play out. If you aren't prepared to ask him for money or ask him to be more proactive, you're not really being a team player either.

But if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.

Imknackeredzzz · 29/05/2021 23:39

What a strange relationship some people have, the mid boggles. Thankful I’m not stuck with such an arsehole, but then if the OP is satisfied with her lot crack on!

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2021 00:24

@Sheeeeeep

I’m really not OK with discussing money here - cheers
I don’t understand why he doesn’t realise you don’t have any money!
timeisnotaline · 30/05/2021 00:34

How will it be a non issue when you go back to work? Will childcare fees be paid jointly? I bloody hope so.
You say it takes time to adjust your mindset. It doesn’t have to. You squeezed that baby out and you were a mother, but it doesn’t sound like your dh is really a father yet. He doesn’t contribute money or effort.
In the immediate situation, I’d say im not going for a walk, if you haven’t booked anything before Friday night you are taking baby for a walk on your own and I’m going out for 2-3 hours/ half the day (depending on breastfeeding and max time you can leave them). That way his chronic I can’t get off my arse has a consequence for him.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2021 01:07

"I am an ancient fugly woman who has spent the best part of quarter of a century being treated like the fugly woman she is and therefore have accepted that I am responsible for me"

"believe me I know what it is to be unhappy"

What is all this about? You seem to be hinting at having been abused, treated badly and/or feeling very unhappy in the past... perhaps this is affecting your confidence in the relationship? It's clearly affecting your ability to communicate, you say you don't want to discuss finances either with your DH or anonymously on this thread. Your choice but rather baffling since it seems to be part of the issue that you posted about.

It's difficult to get a clear sense of what's going on since you are so defensive and touchy but my guess would be that your bar is low in terms of expectations of your DH, and perhaps you are touchy because you're feeling vulnerable atm. Lack of money, lack of sleep, clearly bearing the burden of parenting while DH enjoys his lie ins Confused

Maybe have a think about what you'd like from this thread, if you just want a moan, fine, but as a general rule mumsnetters like to give advice and problem solve!

arcof · 30/05/2021 01:14

There's lots of free/ cheap things you can do - go and feed some ducks, mooch about the town centre, go to the playground (if she's sitting she can go in the baby swing), stop for a pint at a local pub and jig her up and down on your knee so she can look about, go and visit a friend or family, drive out to a beach or lake or whatever, go to a free museum or attraction, have a picnic somewhere, go for lunch (he can pay), I could go on. Yes some of these involve walking but most things do.
If your husband won't take the initiative and you're happy with your husband but unhappy with the situation you have 2 choices - you think of and arrange things that you can afford/are free OR you ask him for a monthly budget for outings to be put in your account. If you have no communication issues this should be easy!

Susannahmoody · 30/05/2021 01:37

Yeah I had this problem so now I just schedule stuff without him. We do something in the morning, home for lunch then something in the PM. He's welcome to join us but most times doesn't (thankfully)

Binkybix · 30/05/2021 03:05

I probably am too passive tbf. As I say it comes from years of not having to rely on anyone

Hi OP. This struck me as odd. I have always earnt well and didn’t have to rely on my husband for money at all. However it stands to reason that when you are not earning anything because you are raising the child who is both of yours, then you will need to rely on that person’s income for a bit. Plus, your baby isn’t just your expense - logically costs should be shared as she ‘belongs’ to both of you.

This may still be relevant when you go back to work. Are you planning full time? Will child care costs be split? For example, I was part time so we made up what I had lost in pension in other ways in my name from joint income.

I get you saying you don’t want to talk about money, but it is important if you are not to be the one who always misses out.

On the simpler question of the faffing - I have this problem too with DH who comes from a family of faffers. I just tend to book things after a quick check with DH then we work back to the time we have to leave. But it still drives me mad.

thedogtookit · 30/05/2021 03:44

Put on your big girl pants and tell your husband you need money (which he must realise), and to participate in his own life.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 30/05/2021 04:23

@Sheeeeeep

Well if I let him decide we’d do nothing but go for walks! This is the point! Grin
What's the difference between your walks during the week (good) and walks with him (bad)?
colouringcrayons · 30/05/2021 06:25

But here is the thing. I am an ancient fugly woman who has spent the best part of quarter of a century being treated like the fugly woman she is and therefore have accepted that I am responsible for me. I think this wants some reflection, I don't understand this really.

I hope you get your weekend problem sorted OP but it reads like there's more going on tbh.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2021 07:24

Money is pretty key to the issue you came on here with op so deciding you don’t want to talk about it is fine but it’s not going to achieve anything in the way of advice or support

mildlymiffed · 30/05/2021 07:41

Seems pretty simple to me.

If you want to not communicate with him about his lack of parenting, and your lack of joint money- then you'll have to suck up the walks or other cheap/free activities. Inwardly stewing that you're not that happy with the current set up.

Or you sit down, have a chat with him... tell him to pull his finger out, and set up a joint account (you obvs don't need to merge all your finances), and parent like the collective you should be.

Choice is obviously yours. But without the chat you're stuck in a stalemate. No point even in having "an old fashioned whinge" if you've taken no real steps to make a difference.

Good luck @Sheeeeeep ! Hope you manage to make some changes for you and your dc.

doadeer · 30/05/2021 08:56

I'm sorry OP but it is very strange how secretive you are about money. When I was on mat leave and earning far less than I ever used to... I would just say to DH, I'm skint, going to start using the joint for food etc. It was a total non issue.

At 6 months they can't really appreciate a zoo etc... We used to just go to restaurants, have picnics, have walks in nice places - there isn't really a ton to do and they just enjoy looking around. Actually it's a really lovely face as you can't do that once they get to toddler age, well you can't do picnic but you can't just wonder around in the pram once they start to be on the move.

What are the activities you want to do?

doadeer · 30/05/2021 09:01

I was using voice to text as toddler climbing on me meant to say

Actually it's a really lovely phase as you can't do that once they get to toddler age, well you can do picnic but you can't just wander around in the pram once they start to be on the move.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 30/05/2021 09:02

It is a lovely phase, yes.

OP posts:
nomorecrumbs · 30/05/2021 09:20

OP, is it a pride issue? If you’ve always been independent as you say and used to arranging activities/earning the money, do you feel like you’re going cap in hand to your DH now in order for him to step up financially and organisationally? I get it if so, I would be the same.
Also echoing though what PPs have said about the fugly comment. Don’t let your your pride get in the way of good family communication. My mum wouldn’t speak up all through my childhood against my lazy, financially controlling father and the outcome was grim.

GabriellaMontez · 30/05/2021 09:30

Does he know you havent got 14 quid to book the farm (or whatever you choose)?

Robin233 · 30/05/2021 09:35

Please don't describe yourself as a fugly women
Your appearance has nothing to do with this issue anyway.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 30/05/2021 09:36

Pretty much nomorecrumbs although he isn’t lazy or financially controlling. He does pay for a lot as he should, but the issue is one or organisation. If I was at work, I’d just book stuff myself. As it is I suggest something on a Wednesday, he says it sounds good, by Saturday he says ‘shall we go to XXX’ and of course it’s full!

It’s an adjustment going from couple to family and I know for all DHs nice qualities organisation and thinking ahead doesn’t come naturally to him. It doesn’t for me either but I’ve had to! So I think we need to work on this.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 30/05/2021 09:37

Just a thought....

Who’s going to pay for school uniforms?
Who’s going to pay for childminders/nursery?
Who’s going to pay for birthdays?
Who’s going to pay for music/football/dance/art/sports clubs?
Who’s going to help pay towards university?

Life moves on. Will you pay for all this?

I’ve just had to give up work due to ill health. Dh and l have adjusted money accordingly. How would you care in this situation? As l said life moves forward at the speed of light. Think on.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 30/05/2021 09:41

Who do you think pays for DD expenses now?

Home she lives in, nappies she wears, aren’t free.

It’s a shame despite repeatedly saying I don’t want to discuss finances here people are quite insistent that I should. It literally only came up because I was mildly frustrated with DH being a bit reticent over organising anything. Quite honestly, I’m walked out!

OP posts:
cocoloco987 · 30/05/2021 09:43

So on the Wednesday just say 'remember to book it now or it will be full come the weekend as always happens - here, give me your card and I'll do it before we forget'

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 30/05/2021 09:44

Absolutely - communication needs to improve and I’ve said that up thread. Might be a good moment to let the thread sink into the archives of MN Wink

OP posts: