To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

[Sheeeeeep]

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

Agree with randommess.

Get off mumsnet.

Go and sit down with him and book things for next weekend, there might be availability for Monday as well and the weekend after.

Then if he asks why he has to book, rather than you, then you can have the conversation that as this precise moment you have no income.

Why aren't you taking turns to do the early shift and get up with the baby? Why do you get up with the baby on a Saturday AND a Sunday morning?
Does this mean that your DH never gets up early with the baby?
If so, either he doesn't want to, or else you are not allowing him to nor asking him to, you just do it yourself.
Sometimes if someone is umming and ahhing what they are doing is controlling the other person.
If you have to ask someone a question 3 times because they aren't responding, it's not that they can't hear, it's that they are controlling you. For example:
'will we get a Chinese so?'
Silence. stares at telly.
'Anyway, should we get a Chinese?'
Silence. stares at telly.
'Tom, are we getting a Chinese!'...
'oh ah, maybe...dunno if I want a Chinese'.
That's an example of someone being controlling.

I missed the post where you talked about being fugly and the one about the benefits of JAs. It does definitely make things less awkward. I prefer it for myself for that reason.

I think your DH wouldn't want you to feel like this if he's the man you're describing. I get that you've got your pride, but do you want your DC missing out on fun stuff because of that?

I also think sometimes with stuff like this it's harder being an older parent, as you're more used to how things were pre children and especially when it worked well for you. Things change when you have children. It might be worth a rethink?

I also think having your own money and standing on your own feet are important too.

But you've had a baby together, there are joint costs, like mat leave, childcare, baby clothes and outings. That's a big change and other stuff might have to change to take account of that.

This situation sounds mad to me. Just because your the woman who had the baby you should be financially worse off for 9months-1year? Presumably it was both your decisions to have a baby?

Each to their own though! I have a friend who has been with her partner for 2 years and does not have a clue what he earns - they live together! That's just crazy to me! But like you previously said everyone is different And what works from one might not work for another.

Could you go out and do things with your friends and their partners/babies? Might make him think he looks bad for not getting out of bed if his friends are going at least (and if your only paying for you will be half the price)

It sounds sad that you have such low self esteem though

I don’t think I have particularly low self esteem, but just explaining the situation as like I say I do feel a bit judged here tbh.

I’m don’t know about not appreciating stuff. It’s true she will sometimes nod off but just the same, many, many months of beautiful countryside have got a tad repetitive!

OK, just to try and make practical suggestions.

Now that we can zee people again why don't you book the weekends in with seeing people. So arrange to have people over for lunch both days at the weekend to give you a focus and something different to do.

Yep. I've got 2. Younger one is easier going generally. They are all different. But it wouldn't be all on you to entertain the baby. There's DH, go with a friend or two, maybe their children too, your/his family.

He shouldn’t be laying in bed until 10-11 now you have a baby! Or if he does it’s one day on the weekend and you get to lie in on the other day.

Just book things for 9.30am or 10am and tell him that you’re expecting him to join you. It’s important to go places and do things as a family unit. If you can’t afford to book costly activities such as the zoo or private swimming lessons then there’s loads of free stuff, depending on where you live.

We went to a free art gallery with our DS today then for a picnic at a park and walked to see another landmark. We’re in London so admittedly it’s far easier to do that, but I’d say most people can do one or some of the following on a weekend:

• food shop (instead of ordering online- supermarkets are fun for babies to sit in the trolley and look at people, plus it’s good in wet weather

-zoo -National Trust or English Heritage stately home or garden, point out the things you see to your baby (can a relative buy you a family membership for Christmas if you can’t afford this?) -church if you’re religious -library - many are reopening now, are free to join and many offer Saturday singalong and story sessions -farmers market or similar to potter around at -garden centre to see the plants and tropical fish -meet up with friends or family -soft play -swimming at the leisure centre (babies can go in the water after first vaccinations) -beach if near the coast with a picnic, buckets and spades -picnic at a beauty spot or national park if you have a car or live within an hour’s drive of one -go to the shops as a family when you need to get DC new coat or shoes -look online for free community carnivals, fetes, open air concerts in parks or bandstands etc,

Sit and talk to your DH about this, say it’s important to you and you don’t want to waste the weekends now things are opening up again. The possibilities are endless!

@Motherissues2020 Are you PR for Brewer's Fayre or Hungry Horse?

What is it you want to do then if its got to be free?
If you send him a link and tell him you fancy this and ask him to book it, is that the end of it? Would you not remind him?
It all sounds a bit passive in all honesty. A farm trip is too expensive, but a walk is not exciting enough? Are they always the same walks?

Your relationship sounds really strange and you sound like you're in denial about it.

Why can't you just tell him you're skint because of mat leave and can you book some fun family days out on his card?!?!

I just pre-plan, depending on weather, what I'll do that weekend with the kids, tell dh what I'm looking to do, if he;s not ready or whatever he knows I'll just go out without him.

What’s the excuse you’re giving us for why you won’t tell us how your DP actually parents his child?

Is it because he doesn’t and you’re ashamed and embarrassed?

What would you like from this post ?
A way to get your dh to suddenly become an enthusiast weekend event planner for your family?
Ti turn him into a man ready to take his family out on exciting days?

I work full time and it takes me till lunch time Saturday to get it together- and my kids are grown up.

Most men let their wives do the organising - it's easier for them.

So suggested something for next weekend and wake him with strong coffee and enjoy the day

[quote Ellpellwood]@Motherissues2020 Are you PR for Brewer's Fayre or Hungry Horse? [/quote]
Haha it sounds like it doesn't it! Tbh not been to either in a long time. Just like a nice pub lunch. I've missed them so much!

Also like a good brunch. I'm all for the food!

Im not sure friends with kids would be up for sitting in the pub all afternoon!

catalina the problem I find with MN sometimes is ‘strange’ means ‘you don’t do it the way I do it.’

I probably am too passive tbf. As I say it comes from years of not having to rely on anyone.

I think people are fine with people doing it differently if it works for them. But you’re unhappy with how things are, that’s why you posted. People then obviously try to help you feel happier, but you don’t seem to be prepared to do anything to improve things. So then they just think 🤷🏻‍♀️. To be fair, you did ask what you could do about it.

No judgement from me. But what would you like to happen? And are you prepared to do anything to make things change?

@Sheeeeeep

Im not sure friends with kids would be up for sitting in the pub all afternoon!

catalina the problem I find with MN sometimes is ‘strange’ means ‘you don’t do it the way I do it.’

I probably am too passive tbf. As I say it comes from years of not having to rely on anyone.

Well what do your friends do? Tag along or meet up and do something altogether?

How does not having to rely on anyone make you passive? Surely you have to make more decisions for yourself?

Its interesting how everyone looks at this differently. I see it as he's worked all week and might be the type of person that doesn't want the pressure on the weekend to rush off and 'do' something.

@arethereanyleftatall

And, you are unhappy op. That is the exact point of your post.

No one is judging, just many of us have been there and can spot the outcome of this a mile off.

We are def not judging OP. We feel sorry for you because we know what your next 10 years are going to be like.

But there is not a hope in hell you're going to believe anyone. So wish you well and hope it does work out for you.

I’m getting quite a grilling here. Mother, friends with young kids spend the weekend with their young kids. Friends without young kids probably won’t want to spend the weekend with a baby.

I’m really not unhappy, and believe me I know what it is to be unhappy - this is so not it!

Tbh my DH is similar, he's happy to spend the weekends knocking around the house and I'd rather be out. So we compromise, some weekends we stay home and chill, others I book something and I tell him we are going out at so and so time. But I mean, we can sit and talk about it and agree something that suits us both.

I won't touch on the finances, other than to say I'm happy to shout "I'm grabbing your debit card cos I've paid for the last trip out" as I'm booking something.

@ittakes2

Its interesting how everyone looks at this differently. I see it as he's worked all week and might be the type of person that doesn't want the pressure on the weekend to rush off and 'do' something.

He should say so then. Not um and ah and maybe until it's too late, on purpose.

So what do you want from this thread ..........