Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 29/05/2021 21:26

You might think it’s “a grilling” OP but I just don’t know why you posted when you’re ignoring and refusing to answer all questions Confused

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 21:27

A good old fashioned whinge robin, although to be totally honest I hadn’t sat down with aims, objectives and outcomes before posting!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 21:27

jelly I've actually answered that too.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 29/05/2021 21:28

The bad situation I was talking about was the 25 years of being made to feel ugly and undeserving of help and support. Even if you still feel as though you can't ask for that for yourself, could you not ask on behalf of your daughter. You want to take her out and have fun - could you not suggest it as a treat for her to make it easier to get into that conversation?

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 21:31

Ah OK - that was a tad tongue in cheek, though. Sorry if it came over a little more seriously than intended.

OP posts:
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 21:33

I used to be a bit like your DH. I worked mornings and had DD in the afternoon so on the weekends I wanted to chill and sort the house but my DP would go off with DD and I would feel put out. So then I realised I needed to either join them or enjoy time to myself and reached a happy medium.
You do sound a bit defensive though. Something is happening here beyond what you are saying.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 21:35

I don’t think there is, but I am sorry it I do sound defensive. We’ve had a series of very bad nights due to teeth.

OP posts:
KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 21:47

What do you want from posting on this thread kidney?

OP posts:
BetterThanKleenex · 29/05/2021 21:49

Can you both take it in turns to plan the weekend, you plan one week, he does the next? And have a list of back-up activities if it doesn't work out. Picnics, walks, going around free museums/gardens/farms, going to the beach, a lake, etc. It doesn't all need booking and can be done anytime of day that suits. Try and write out every possible activity you'd like to do and make it each others responsibility every other week to plan it all. Maybe your DH needs some structure to guide him- I don't think he sounds like crap Dad, maybe just a bit clueless as to how much planning is required for these things.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 21:50

I don’t think he’s a crap dad either. I do think we could communicate better and that’s the main thing to take away from the thread.

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 21:57

A good old fashioned whinge

Fair enough. I think it’s because you asked what you could do about it. And then when people answered, you weren’t willing to do anything.

If you’d have said ‘he’s generally a good man, good dad, but I just feel a bit fed up and want a moan’, I think people would have just listened, sympathised, shared their ‘lazy at times’ but generally good bloke stories and all would have been very different.
There are so many women doing it all and being financially abused that people do try to suggest things if it sounds like that’s what’s happening AND a poster asks what they can do about it, which you did.

Anyway, all the best.

Jackiebrambles · 29/05/2021 21:57

You’ve had some great suggestions here about sitting down and planning some activities in advance. I know you are uncomfortable about the money thing. The problem is without it you are a bit powerless and left at his mercy a bit (so if he’s tired and wants to lie in, You either leave him to it for a free activity or just wait around feeling frustrated!). I would just say that to him to be honest.

ConkerBonkers · 29/05/2021 21:59

What if her partner has debts. In that case it is in her best interests to have absolutely no joint finances at all. Not everyone is married to a big earner with an A1 credit rating fgs Mumsnet.

BetterThanKleenex · 29/05/2021 22:00

@Sheeeeeep

I don’t think he’s a crap dad either. I do think we could communicate better and that’s the main thing to take away from the thread.
And that's a great thing to realise- and you can start working on it straight away. If rotas work better, a list, a note in the calendar, etc. It's worth it to get into a better routine.
Jobseeker19 · 29/05/2021 22:03

It sounds like the mental load of having to plan is taking its toll.

I would say to him that soon you will be going back to work and may be too tired or busy catching up with stuff during the weekend and won't be able to have fun days together, so you want to make the most of it now.

There is a burden and mental load of having to always be the one organising and you would like him to take over sometimes. It doesn't have to be every week.

Plus everything is reopening so there is the chance to rediscover fun days out. Driving to the beach, having a bbq, cinema, funfair, museums, aquarium, weekend away in a hotel or caravan, going to a pet shop, a zoo, a farm, looking for child friendly cafes

Robin233 · 29/05/2021 22:04

@Sheeeeeep

"A good old fashioned whinge robin, although to be totally honest I hadn’t sat down with aims, objectives and outcomes before posting!"

^^^
I see .....
Makes sense now.
A Shame though when you've had some wonderful and helpful advice, from some very kind and wise mn's.

skippink · 29/05/2021 22:07

@MissyB1 agree with you, and seems the most sensible comment compared to lots of overreactions from other people

NC265 · 29/05/2021 22:09

Oh OP I've not read the whole thread but me and my DH have a similar situation. If I'm honest, I'll just say I'm taking DS on Monday. It'll cost however much, can I use your card? If not, could you transfer me the money? It's no issue but if I didn't ask he probably wouldn't think about it. I'm not bothered about not having a "family" account but I do just say upfront. In fact, today, I said I need to get some summer clothes for DS, where's your card? Haha. He's never said anything about it but if he did I'd say "let's swap, you do maternity leave and I'll work FT" Wink. Please don't take the comments to heart. I really do get it. I very much doubt he's being a knob. Rather thoughtless and indecisive.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 22:11

That’s exactly what it is and I’ve less tolerance for it as shattered!

OP posts:
BillMasheen · 29/05/2021 22:13

The thing is, if this carries on as a pattern through her childhood and he’s a good bloke, then he’s going to be genuinely upset when this does finally come out.... perhaps years later.

Imagine, your dd is 25, and the three of you are chatting over a pub lunch about fun stuff they did as a kid. She’s going to say, yeah, I remember walks, lots of walks, god they were dull, why did we never DO anything?

He’s gonna say, dunno, ask mum. And you’re going to go bright red and mumble mumble . He’s going to twig. In that Moment. He’ll be mortified. She’s going to twig, and it will rock her understanding of her whole childhood.

You feel all embarrassed having the conversation NOW. What the hell will it feel like then?

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 22:15

Well tbf that won’t be happening, will it?

I mean, even if DH and I don’t manage to communicate over this issue, it will be a non issue in a few months when I’m back at work. I will just book something. Plus this is a covid thing - DH hasn’t quite caught on to this yet.

OP posts:
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 29/05/2021 22:19

@Sheeeeeep

I don’t think there is, but I am sorry it I do sound defensive. We’ve had a series of very bad nights due to teeth.
Okay I understand
KidneyBeans · 29/05/2021 22:19

@Sheeeeeep

Well tbf that won’t be happening, will it?

I mean, even if DH and I don’t manage to communicate over this issue, it will be a non issue in a few months when I’m back at work. I will just book something. Plus this is a covid thing - DH hasn’t quite caught on to this yet.

And your DH will continue to never contribute financially to raising his child, to parenting, or to the mental workload.

But that's what you say you want so 🤷‍♀️

Shouldbedoing · 29/05/2021 22:20

I had my first DC at 40, we weren't married, I had earned my own money forever.
I was accustomed to doing the main food shop and since I was 'off work' this continued. I was feeding myself, DP, DSS aged 15, and baby on maternity pay plus child benefit. Plus my half of the bills. I was quickly overdrawn and had to tell DP. We adjusted who paid what to match my reduced income, he hadn't thought about it in advance and I was embarrassed to be dependent, but that is family life, whether you're married or not.
Back to work and the childminder fees came from my pay and the main bills were covered more by DP. I had money left to clothe and entertain me and DD, run my car and phone etc. It was a period of adjustment and I didn't like being dependent.
If you were a single parent OP, the state would support you with benefits if you had a very young child and could only do little or no paid work. Because you have a partner, the state expects the partner to support you through the early years of child rearing. How do you as a couple plan to pay for childcare when you return to work? Have you enough money for a couple of smart outfits for returning to work? This all needs thrashing out now.