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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with DH at weekends?

329 replies

Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 17:59

I might be being a bit UR here. Feel free to tell me so, nicely would be preferred!

This sounds a bit brutal but to be blunt DH feels a bit surplus to requirements. During the week I have a nice little routine going with DD (6 months.) We do as much as possible with baby classes and when we aren’t there we go for long walks in the pram or sling.

Then the weekend comes and it takes DH until around 10/11 to wake up, then another couple of hours faffing around deciding what we want to do and we always end up on a walk. And tbh after the last year I have really fallen out of love with walking.

And what can I do about it? I’ve tried suggesting stuff we could do but he umms and ahhs and then it is booked up!

OP posts:
Januaryissodull · 29/05/2021 20:24

It sounds like either a breakdown in communication or that he's a bit lazy, shit and right.

What specifically would you like to be doing?

Can't you say "Dh, I want to go for breakfast/lunch/to the soft play on Saturday". Can we book it now as it will be all booked up soon.

I mean my dh isn't always very good at coming up with ideas, but if I suggest something then he'll be up, ready, making a packed lunch and driving us there.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 29/05/2021 20:26

@Sheeeeeep if that is the case and it's just the mindset you're in then I'd try and change it as soon as possible to benefit you and dc.Im sure you're not "fugly" either.

JellyTumble · 29/05/2021 20:27

How is he well meaning when he never looks after his child? Confused

Dishwashersaurous · 29/05/2021 20:29

So does he know that you have no money? It might not have occurred to him.

He probably wonders why you are asking him, when he's busy at , to book weekend fun.

You need to actually talk to him.

In particular, you need to talk about finances when you return to work and paying for all child related expenses and ensuring that you have the same disposable income.

He may not be proactively depriving you of funds for your child but that is the consequence

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:29

Believe me, I am! Grin

Yeah I probably should. This is where obviously JAs are better as you don’t have to ask for say £10 there, £20 there (manner of speaking, I know you don’t have to ask but it’s polite to) but we don’t have that just now.

And I am probably feeling some guilt as DD has only really recently started to experience what the world has to offer and then I’m back at work when I’ll have more money but not as much time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:30

I’m really not OK with discussing money here - cheers

OP posts:
Motherissues2020 · 29/05/2021 20:30

@Sheeeeeep

You can but it’s not the sort of wholesome family activity I’m envisioning tbf!
We've had a lovely afternoon in a pub garden having lunch and DD playing on the playground in the sunshine. Didn't have to book either. Pubs aren't all dives. You can interact with your children while you're there too.
notanothertakeaway · 29/05/2021 20:31

But, having RTFT, I am shocked the OP doesn't have access to £14 to pay for a trip to an animal park. That is scary

DysmalRadius · 29/05/2021 20:32

But here is the thing. I am an ancient fugly woman who has spent the best part of quarter of a century being treated like the fugly woman she is and therefore have accepted that I am responsible for me.

So I’ve worked, done pretty OK career wise and not been used to relying on anyone for anything.

That mindset doesn’t just vanish.

This is heartbreaking - you escape a bad living situation but then recreate it by inflicting the same punishment on yourself that you were trying to get away from. Do you feel like it's something you could seek help for?

Ellpellwood · 29/05/2021 20:32

Agree @Dishwashersaurous - Please, please do not take on any childcare costs from your account without him setting up a standing order for whatever his share is. It's not your responsibility because you gave birth.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/05/2021 20:32

I know that you aren't comfortable talking about money. But you need to talk to your husband about it.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:33

Sure, but I’m guessing your Dcs are a bit older? I used to like going to the pub with my mum and dad and playing on the play areas they have but DD is a bit young and understandably gets a bit restless and bored just sat in her pram.

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 29/05/2021 20:34

I was you twenty years ago. Things didn’t improve. I waited around for him to get up too. I wish I hadn’t.

There is obviously an issue with you not having enough money to have any freedom to choose for yourself. I’m pretty iffy about that as we went there too, only that was much later... but if you can’t discuss it with him and he’s accepting the fact that your finances are much reduced or hasn’t even considered it, then your marriage is not a very good one, however much you’re clinging on to your belief that it can be.

What I would say is that when you have money again and can afford to do what you like, then book something, tell him you’re leaving at 9am and if he isn’t up, then go without him.

If he cares enough to want to be with you, then next time he’ll get up. Show him you can live perfectly well without him, if needs be. He’s taking advantage of the fact that you are currently tied down and afraid to be left holding the baby. He isn’t listening to you or considering your needs.

As I said, I was there twenty years ago. I wish I’d grown a backbone and not hung around having a miserable time while he lay in bed. Had I stood up to him then, had I told him what I needed, then perhaps now I wouldn’t be newly single, having found my backbone for the sake of my children, who unfortunately watched me being a doormat for years while my husband grew to have less and less respect for me.

This is annoying you now. Part of it will stop when you have money again, but the laziness probably won't and it’s likely other cracks will appear.. He has you tied down now and thinks he no longer has to make an effort to hold onto you, Show him he’s wrong. Best of luck

madroid · 29/05/2021 20:34

I think you're missing the point @Sheeeeeep

The fact that you can't do stuff with DD is exactly why most women (and many men) insist on joint finances before kids. Because if you are looking after kids you can't be earning money too.

If you are equal parents then you should have equal responsibility - and that includes equal finances.

Then you can still book stuff when you are on ML

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:34

What bad living situation? Sorry, I’m lost now!

OP posts:
Auntycorruption · 29/05/2021 20:36

What does DH want to do?
I mean, actually want to do? He clearly doesn't want to be trailing round farm parks saying ooooh look at the moo cow to 6 month old. Can't say I blame him to be honest, you have years of that to come when they actually run round themselves and enjoy it.

Motherissues2020 · 29/05/2021 20:37

My youngest isn't 1 yet. She likes the swings and the slide. She likes the toys we bring for her. She enjoys people watching, particularly watching the older children. We talk to her and play with her. She's quite happy.

Motherissues2020 · 29/05/2021 20:38

Surely she'd be in the pram or sling on a walk anyway?

Dishwashersaurous · 29/05/2021 20:39

The bad situation is that you have no money and cannot talk to your husband about it

DavidTheDog · 29/05/2021 20:41

Is this a fair summary of the situation?

  • you wish to have weekend excursions and have the time to organise them but not the money to pay for them.
  • your DP has the money but neither the time nor the desire to book them.
  • you don't want to take about the financial situation with your DP in an effort to change this.
Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 29/05/2021 20:44

Well yeah - but I’d rather like to experience Life Beyond Walks!

Plus, there is a difference between moving around and being in one place. I’m guessing you’ve more than one child from your post so you’ll know they are all different. Some are more content to sit and watch than others!

aunty Hmm that’s called being a parent.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/05/2021 20:44

Why don't you get DH to book some things this weekend for the next few weeks. Sit down together with laptop/phones, discuss a few ideas and get him to book and pay for them there and then?

He probably doesn't have the headspace at work during the week and is happy to chill and not do much at the weekends.

Whereas you want to get out and about and do more as you spend a lot of time in the house or going for walks.

Avoids "asking" for money and if he genuinely can't be arsed to do anything then you can actually have a decent conversation about there being compromise.

GyozaPoser · 29/05/2021 20:47

I'm not sure what you want out of this post OP. It's a realllllly low bar you're willing to accept for yourself and your daughter. Maybe consider if you'd like more for her than thinking of herself as fugly and therefore not worthy of even speaking up for the simplest of things like £14 to go to an activity. You may be happy to wait it out and not do anything enriching with her on the weekends but it's the pattern and the attitude that's most problematic because that will end up being conveyed loud and clear as she grows up. Have a conversation OP. You can do it! Ask for him to contribute to a weekend activity fund and then book things for you and her. Do it for her OP.

Cherrysoup · 29/05/2021 20:48

You can sex with h8m but you can’t tell him you don’t have £14 for a farm visit? I’m a little surprised at that. Can you make him book it then he has to get up in order to get there? I can’t believe he slouches in bed so long with a baby, he’s living the life of Riley!

ChrissyPlummer · 29/05/2021 20:48

I get what you’re saying. We don’t have DC but my DH is the most indecisive person EVER. Even if I say ‘What do you want for tea?’ he’ll just say ‘Up to you’. It’s so mentally draining having to bloody think all the sodding time.

That said, I wouldn’t pay for days out with a 6 month old as I don’t think they’d appreciate it. Like pp said: parks/beaches etc.