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Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:29

Some people want to absolve women of all responsibility

Men ejaculate inside women (forgetting that women are part of the act)

Men should sort the contraception (forgetting that women are also in charge - and have more options - of sorting contraception)

Women choose whether to abort or keep (forgetting that two people made the baby and that men get to choose whether to be involved or walk away)

You make it sound like the poor women are so helpless in the baby making, but should then get to make all the choices.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:31

@Whyhello

One of the earliest lessons we teach children is cause and effect, every action has a reaction. You touch the stove you get burnt, play with the door and your fingers may get trapped and so forth. It’s utterly pathetic and contemptible to then argue that once they reach adulthood they’re allowed to run away from the consequences of their actions. Whether male or female, we all have to own our actions.

OP’s DS chose to ejaculate inside this woman and this is the consequence. Legally speaking he does not have to see the child but definitely has to pay until they’re 18. That’s the crux of it really. You need to find out who the woman is somehow, maybe ask his friends? Someone will know. A DNA test needs to happen then he needs to start paying. Good luck OP.

She chose to let someone ejaculate inside her without being sorting contraception and without being sure he wanted children if she got pregnant. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of deciding to keep the child when he made it clear he wasn’t interested.
StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 28/05/2021 19:34

She chose to let someone ejaculate inside her without being sorting contraception and without being sure he wanted children if she got pregnant. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of deciding to keep the child when he made it clear he wasn’t interested.

There is so much misogyny in everything you are saying @ANiceCupOfCoffee and you're completely wrong but just on one point- have you never heard of a contraceptive failure?

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:36

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

She chose to let someone ejaculate inside her without being sorting contraception and without being sure he wanted children if she got pregnant. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of deciding to keep the child when he made it clear he wasn’t interested.

There is so much misogyny in everything you are saying @ANiceCupOfCoffee and you're completely wrong but just on one point- have you never heard of a contraceptive failure?

Well yes, I’ve heard of a contraceptive failure, but I gave up on referring to it at the beginning of the thread due to the sheer number of posters who seemed to think that any contraceptive failure was entirely his fault and to be blamed on him.
Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 19:36

She chose to let someone ejaculate inside her without being sorting contraception and without being sure he wanted children if she got pregnant. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of deciding to keep the child when he made it clear he wasn’t interested

Wow really? So for you the woman is always responsible and men get to ejaculate when allowed and are not responsible?

Like really?

SirVixofVixHall · 28/05/2021 19:36

@Loveacoseynightin

If it was a ONS and the father asked the mother to get an abortion and the mother decides to keep the baby why should the father then have to contribute to a child he never wanted?

If the woman decides to keep the baby as is her right why should the father be penalised?

What !? It takes two people to make a baby. The mother may not have wanted a baby , , but not every women feels that abortion is something they can cope with either. Men can’t expect women to use abortion as contraception. If you have a drunken one night stand with no condom then it can end in this situation.
ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:37

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

If they don't want a baby I'm sure there is protection that can be used
  1. No contraceptive offers 100 protection (other than both parties abstaining
  2. The woman expects the choice after an accident, the man should be able to have equal (although different) choice.
There you go
ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:38

My previous message was @StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:39

@Bluntness100

She chose to let someone ejaculate inside her without being sorting contraception and without being sure he wanted children if she got pregnant. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of deciding to keep the child when he made it clear he wasn’t interested

Wow really? So for you the woman is always responsible and men get to ejaculate when allowed and are not responsible?

Like really?

No they are equally responsible.

And as I said before (having to repeat my earlier points is getting boring now):

The woman expects the choice after an accident, the man should be able to have equal (although different) choice.

Referring to her right to abort or not and his right to walk away or not.

gottakeeponmovin · 28/05/2021 19:40

I actually have some sympathy with this. Whilst it is absolutely a woman's right to choose I do think it's unfair that men then get left with no choice but to stump up for a child they don't want.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 28/05/2021 19:40

Oh @ANiceCupOfCoffee, so was it my fault that I became pregnant whilst my ex was using a condom then?

I'd love to know where you think the blame lies there, seeings you seem to think that someone is always at fault. And you seem to want to blame women where possible.

ladygindiva · 28/05/2021 19:41

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

Some people want to absolve women of all responsibility

Men ejaculate inside women (forgetting that women are part of the act)

Men should sort the contraception (forgetting that women are also in charge - and have more options - of sorting contraception)

Women choose whether to abort or keep (forgetting that two people made the baby and that men get to choose whether to be involved or walk away)

You make it sound like the poor women are so helpless in the baby making, but should then get to make all the choices.

Yeah, what you're saying might make sense if the suggestion is that the woman after painlessly plopping the baby out is then allowed to hand it over to the bloke and absolve herself of all responsibility including financially. Which noone has ever suggested. Ever. I'm going to assume you're a bloke, if not, I'm shocked, truly.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 19:41

@gottakeeponmovin

I actually have some sympathy with this. Whilst it is absolutely a woman's right to choose I do think it's unfair that men then get left with no choice but to stump up for a child they don't want.
So use a condom knowing that NO contraception is 100% effective and that then choosing to have PIV sex can result in a baby.
ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:42

What !? It takes two people to make a baby. The mother may not have wanted a baby , , but not every women feels that abortion is something they can cope with either.
Men can’t expect women to use abortion as contraception. If you have a drunken one night stand with no condom then it can end in this situation.

Well as others would say if the roles were reversed. If she doesn’t feel she wants a baby and doesn’t feel she can have an abortion if she accidentally gets pregnant, then she shouldn’t be having sex.

You can’t have it both ways.

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:43

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

Oh *@ANiceCupOfCoffee*, so was it my fault that I became pregnant whilst my ex was using a condom then?

I'd love to know where you think the blame lies there, seeings you seem to think that someone is always at fault. And you seem to want to blame women where possible.

Everyone who has sex knows that it could end in pregnancy. You both had sex, you both had the opportunity to use contraception, you both were involved in creating the pregnancy.

Both. It’s not rocket science.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 28/05/2021 19:45

Well as others would say if the roles were reversed. If she doesn’t feel she wants a baby and doesn’t feel she can have an abortion if she accidentally gets pregnant, then she shouldn’t be having sex.

And meanwhile, in the real world...

I didn't want a baby and didn't feel I could have an abortion. I accidentally got pregnant whilst we were using condoms. Should I not have been having sex?

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:45

Yeah, what you're saying might make sense if the suggestion is that the woman after painlessly plopping the baby out is then allowed to hand it over to the bloke and absolve herself of all responsibility including financially. Which noone has ever suggested. Ever. I'm going to assume you're a bloke, if not, I'm shocked, truly.

What childish language.

Biology can’t be changed. And yes, women do walk away and absolve themselves of all responsibility leaving the baby/ child with the man. What a narrow view of the world you must have.

MrMucker · 28/05/2021 19:47

So your son's girlfriend's mum contacted her daughter's ex boyfriends mum and told her that her son had a son by a previous ex girlfriend which the latest ex girlfriend did not know about until after they'd been together some time, and on pressing your son he finally said "yeah, but I wont tell you who with and I don't want anything to do with it".
What makes you believe there actually is baby?

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 19:48

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

Well as others would say if the roles were reversed. If she doesn’t feel she wants a baby and doesn’t feel she can have an abortion if she accidentally gets pregnant, then she shouldn’t be having sex.

And meanwhile, in the real world...

I didn't want a baby and didn't feel I could have an abortion. I accidentally got pregnant whilst we were using condoms. Should I not have been having sex?

If you believe that if the many doesn’t want a potential baby, he shouldn’t be having sex, then logically if you didn’t want a potential baby, then you shouldn’t have been having sex.

It’s the woman's choice whether to have an abortion or not and you chose not to. It’s the man’s choice whether to be involved or not and I’m assuming he didn’t want to.

You had your choice and you took it 🤷‍♀️

KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 19:49

Thank you @ANiceCupOfCoffee
I'm going to take your rather obvious use of my post format as a compliment - you clearly think it's effective Smile

Sadly what I can't help you with is actual content and you do seem to be struggling...

Some people want to absolve women of all responsibility
Responsibility for what? It's pretty difficult to have a discussion when you can't actually state what it is you're talking about.

Men ejaculate inside women (forgetting that women are part of the act)
Yes men do ejaculate inside women. I think most posters agree on that. I think it's unlikely the men forget women are part of the act. But perhaps they do. Still not sure what your point is though?

Men should sort the contraception (forgetting that women are also in charge - and have more options - of sorting contraception)
What is it women are 'in charge' of? Again your point is unclear. Men absolutely should take responsibility for their own contraception (as should women). I don't think this is the great revelation you think it is.

Women choose whether to abort or keep (forgetting that two people made the baby and that men get to choose whether to be involved or walk away)
Yes women do have this choice - are you advocating that it should be otherwise?
Again I'm not sure that women forget how babies are made or that men can walk away - why do you think they do?

You make it sound like the poor women are so helpless in the baby making, but should then get to make all the choices.
Who does? Confused

ScrollingLeaves · 28/05/2021 19:51

“ANicecupOfCoffee
Well as others would say if the roles were reversed. If she doesn’t feel she wants a baby and doesn’t feel she can have an abortion if she accidentally gets pregnant, then she shouldn’t be having sex.

You can’t have it both ways.“

Isn’t this all rather circular. You could equally say,

Well as others would say if the roles were reversed, if he doesn’t feel he wants a baby and cannot enforce an abortion if the woman he has sex with accidentally gets pregnant, then he shouldn’t be having sex (even with a condom in case it goes wrong).

You can’t have it both ways.

Amberheartkitty · 28/05/2021 19:53

With both of you. You both had sex and you both know the consequences. You chose to keep the child. That’s your choice.
There you go. The consequences of consensual sex is both peoples fault. However you as a women have different options available to a man. Because biology means it’s you that carries and births the child. The mans only legal obligation is a small percentage of his wage.
You may not like the laws around the fathers obligations. But that’s what they are. Every woman knows this fact before having sex.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 28/05/2021 19:55

*If you believe that if the many doesn’t want a potential baby, he shouldn’t be having sex, then logically if you didn’t want a potential baby, then you shouldn’t have been having sex.

It’s the woman's choice whether to have an abortion or not and you chose not to. It’s the man’s choice whether to be involved or not and I’m assuming he didn’t want to.

You had your choice and you took it* 🤷‍♀️

No I'm actually capable of seeing things a bit more realistically than you. I think if people, men and women, don't want babies, then they should use contraception. I think people, men and women, should be aware that contraception can occasionally fail. I think that women should be aware of the choices they have available to them if this happens, and be supported whatever their choice. I think that men should be aware that if contraception fails, they do not get a say in what the woman decides to do with her body. And if he chooses to have sex knowing all of those things, then he should be prepared to support his child if he happens to be part of creating one.

As for me, he (my now ex husband) would have been involved actually, he was already 'involved' with our existing children. Except I miscarried.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 28/05/2021 19:56

That first bit should have been bold.

Owlina · 28/05/2021 20:03

Everyone has the choice to be financially secure enough not to get CMS ?

My mum got no CMS. She got benefits.

And? Do you want to actually answer my question rather than avoid it, seeing as it’s hypothetical anyway.

Well, I wouldn't ask, no. But then if you really didn't want kids you can get any number of contraception available to women and take the morning after pill on top of that.

Either way, if I get pregnant, I'll deal with it. I don't need anyone else, especially someone who doesn't want to be involved.