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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
startrek90 · 28/05/2021 20:17

I have a question for those who believe that if a man wants an abortion the woman should have one or the man is absolved of all responsibility. What happens if the woman wants an abortion and the man doesn't? Should she give birth and hand the baby over? Curious how far you think male preference should carry over...

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 20:23

@startrek90

I have a question for those who believe that if a man wants an abortion the woman should have one or the man is absolved of all responsibility. What happens if the woman wants an abortion and the man doesn't? Should she give birth and hand the baby over? Curious how far you think male preference should carry over...
Well generally the woman goes and has the abortion, which I’ve referred all the way through as her right (which is why the majority of men aren’t left holding the baby).

If you’ve read the thread, you’ll see that said throughout.

It would be nice if the baby could be born, she walked away and he brought the baby up, but that is too risky for the woman. Risky for childbirth and risky that the man won’t stay around.

Original poster
Minewo · 28/05/2021 20:32

I spoke to him and he said he wanted her to have an abortion as they hardly knew each other and that if it was his girlfriend that was pregnant would've supported her etc. He also said that he doesn't know who she is and he blocked her when she told him she wasn't going to have an abortion.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 28/05/2021 20:38

Of course he knows who she is. Ask his ex gf, I’d take a good guess she knows.

startrek90 · 28/05/2021 20:41

@anicecupofcoffee

Fair enough. How far into a pregnancy can a man demand an abortion with the threat of financial abandonment if the woman does not comply? The current cut off is 24 weeks would you be OK with a man demanding a termination after the 20 week scan because he changed his mind? should the woman comply with that? Bearing in mind she would have to go through birth anyway. How far does this right to walk away if there is no abortion extend?

Also OP I feel so bad for you, your sons ex gf and the mother of this child. Do you think your ex husband will feel the same way you do and be willing to pull your son up here? Unfortunately your Ds has demonstrated a real disrespect for women and so I think he would respond better to other men than the would to you.

I think talking to the ex girlfriend to find out the name of this Babys mum may be the way to go.

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2021 20:47

He doesn’t know who she is? What sort of nonsense is that.

Op have you indulged him growing up and still are? I can’t undedtand why you’re posting this nonsense like what he’s saying isn’t made up crap.

ChiefBabySniffer · 28/05/2021 20:51

If he has blocked her then she is literally on his block list.

If i was in your shoes I would want her name and contact details or he moves out. Nothing could keep me from reaching out to offer support to the abandoned mother of my grandchild. I would be totally devastated if my son did this op, I really feel for you. I have raised all my kids to understand that a man potentially loses control of his choice to parenthood every time he ejaculates inside a woman. Wether they listen or not is a different matter. Although my eldest son is gay so maybe I terrified him.

L123A · 28/05/2021 20:57

It doesn’t sound like your son will be much of an asset to either his child or his ex so let him walk away. Hopefully he’ll be single until he he grows up

SkodaKodiaq · 28/05/2021 21:03

@Getawaywithit

I don’t usually like resorting to utilitarianism, but in cases like this I am very much persuaded in situations like these to focus entirely on the outcomes for any potential children and the data is clear. Adoption will on average lead to better life outcomes for unplanned children where the father doesn’t want to be involved, and the mother is economically unable to meet the child’s needs on her own

ODFOD. Shit happens. Previously good, long term relationships fall a part. My ex left for the OW, he cleared the bank accounts and denied any responsibility for me, his pregnant wife, or his existing children. We lost the roof from over our heads, my credit rating was ruined and lord knows it took me years to come to terms with all. But within 2 years, I had retrained and was earning enough to support us, had moved to where family could help out and life was good again. In the immediate aftermath, however, it was a huge, horrible mess. The idea I should have just sent my children to be adopted because I got thrown a curve ball is beyond ridiculous.

What a sad, sorry human being you must be.

Well said @Getawaywithit 👍🏻 By the way, I had exactly the same thing happen to me as you did Thanks
SteveArnottsCodeine · 28/05/2021 21:11

I’m so sorry @Minewo... this is awful and in your position I would be gutted too. My grandfather ran away from my parent and for the rest of his life (and to his new family) maintained it “hadn’t been his responsibility” because he was “so young” when my parent had been born (he was 16, my grandmother was 15). Of course, my grandmother was also young (younger!) and didn’t have much choice in the matter (this was pre 1967. My parent only ever met their father once and I never met him. He never paid a penny towards my parent or to my grandmother. He went on to have nine more kids. We all hold him in huge contempt. BUT my parent did have contact with his nana and grandad on his father’s side, they were good people who were very ashamed of their son and wanted a relationship with his child. My grandmother welcomed and facilitated this. Perhaps this is something you could put your energies into? And maybe put some money aside too for the future, maybe a university fund or something? Potentially it would mean a lot to your grandchild in the years to come, even if your son doesn’t grow up and take responsibility.

Your son should be paying for his kid, whatever else he’s not doing though. I’d be making that clear and if he still won’t do it I’d be encouraging his ex to report him to the CSA (or whatever they’re now called).

SkodaKodiaq · 28/05/2021 21:12

@Minewo I'm so sorry you had to find out like this Thanks
What is your plan now?

I've been through this - I was the one left holding the baby in my situation. I'm happy to speak to you via PM if you'd like to hear my perspective? Tips for perhaps tracking her down?

Rainbowqueeen · 28/05/2021 21:30

Op I think there’s 2 issues here.

Your son has a terrible attitude towards women. He is harassing his ex and unwilling to accept her ending their relationship. Not ok
He feels he is entitled to sex with whoever he wants and can just walk away from the consequences if it doesn’t suit him. Not ok.
He needs to change these behaviours It’s going to be hard for him to ever have a healthy loving relationship unless he does that. As his mum you can point this out to him and help him with that.

With the baby I would be making it clear to him that you expect him to live up to his financial responsibilities. How well he knew this girl has absolutely no impact upon the fact that a baby is here and he has responsibilities. I would leave it up to him whether he wants to see the baby or not, he can make that decision himself and feckless inconsistent fathers are damaging to children so no point in trying to influence him.
I would also reach out to the girl by writing her a letter ( your son knows how to contact her, I have no doubt about that) and explain that you only just found out about the baby, that you would like a relationship independent of your son and offer support. But only if you are sure that you can follow through with that. Otherwise leave the poor girl alone.
Best wishes

KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 21:35

@Owlina

Everyone has the choice to be financially secure enough not to get CMS ?

My mum got no CMS. She got benefits.

And? Do you want to actually answer my question rather than avoid it, seeing as it’s hypothetical anyway.

Well, I wouldn't ask, no. But then if you really didn't want kids you can get any number of contraception available to women and take the morning after pill on top of that.

Either way, if I get pregnant, I'll deal with it. I don't need anyone else, especially someone who doesn't want to be involved.

Oh ok - so you think your mum is 'everyone' and cos she managed without CNS everyone else should and can do the same. Yeah that totally makes sense.... I mean it's not like the benefits system or living costs have changed at all since your mum raised you have they? Confused
GabsAlot · 28/05/2021 21:53

of course he knows who it is tell him to grow the fuck up and come clean

ANiceCupOfCoffee · 28/05/2021 22:00

I think there are a lot of women projecting in here. You want to blame all men due to your own experiences rather than looking at things objectively.

Dddccc · 28/05/2021 22:16

Ffs it didn't even have to get to pregnancy she could have taken the morning after pill he also could have worn a condom we don't know but what I do know is it highly likely not his kid and needs a dna test

KidneyBeans · 28/05/2021 22:18

@ANiceCupOfCoffee

I think there are a lot of women projecting in here. You want to blame all men due to your own experiences rather than looking at things objectively.
Who has blamed all men?

I'd love your psychoanalysis of my 'projection'

I'm childfree by choice, never pregnant, never had an abortion. Have a loving partner.

Which part of me saying I believe that men should be responsible for their own contraception and financially support children that they conceive (I have the same expectations of women) is projection?

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 28/05/2021 22:25

So where will.your son be living now? I assume you'll be telling him to leave, as you cannot condone and support a man who abandons a child and ignores his responsibilities.

Bizawit · 28/05/2021 22:26

@Minewo

I spoke to him and he said he wanted her to have an abortion as they hardly knew each other and that if it was his girlfriend that was pregnant would've supported her etc. He also said that he doesn't know who she is and he blocked her when she told him she wasn't going to have an abortion.
This is an absolutely atrocious way to behave. It doesn’t matter if he barely knew her or not. He had sex with her and created a person. Telling her to get an abortion is wrong (not his decision to make) and doesn’t absolve him of any responsibility. Furthermore he is now lying to you- of course he knows who she is. He sounds incredibly immature. I have no experience parenting a 19 year old , so god knows how you deal with this, but I think @Rainbowqueeen gives great advice.
Dddccc · 28/05/2021 22:38

Why the hell should the op kick her teen out the child might not even be his and no he also should not be paying for the child yet as it might not be his child

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 28/05/2021 22:42

@Dddccc

And whose fault is it that he doesnt have concrete answers to those issues? Ah, yes, it's his. Because he just another deadbeat man who walked off from his responsibilities. Happy to have the sex. Not interested in the consequences. But hey, by all means, give him a comfortable home and support him no matter how he behaves towards women.

SuperstoreFan · 28/05/2021 22:50

OP your son needs to be taught a lesson, he's absolutely disgusting.

Whyhello · 28/05/2021 22:52

She chose to let someone ejaculate inside her without being sorting contraception and without being sure he wanted children if she got pregnant. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of deciding to keep the child when he made it clear he wasn’t interested.

He doesn’t have to be interested legally which I did point out but he legally needs to pay for the next 18 years. It’s a direct consequence of him basically not abstaining or using a condom. It doesn’t sound as though the girl is begging for his assistance really, does it? But he still needs to pay because it’s his child whether he likes it or not.

Whyhello · 28/05/2021 23:05

His ex will know who she is so I’d be inclined to start there. If you don’t feel comfortable asking her, I’d ask his friends. Someone will tell you who she is. A DNA test needs sorting first and if this baby is his, it’s your grandchild and your decision to make going forward as to whether you’d like to pursue a relationship with them. Sorry you’re going through this, it must be horrible Flowers.

Jizzonmy · 28/05/2021 23:06

I think you need to stay out of it to be honest. As hard as it is as his mum