Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really disappointed in my colleagues?

167 replies

OrangePowder · 28/05/2021 09:26

I work in a small school.

Very sadly, we lost a colleague to cancer a few weeks ago. At the time there was a huge outpouring of grief, everyone wanted to do "something" to remember her. The head was put under a lot of pressure to contribute to a memorial of some sort and staff wanted to close for the day of the funeral so everyone could attend.

Head said, yes we will do something, but let's wait and see what the family wants, they've got other things to deal with atm. Similarly, she didn't commit to anything re the funeral until we knew what family wanted and what restrictions there would be on numbers. Staff were outraged because they felt not enough was being done.

So, completely out of our control, the funeral is in half term, so everyone who wants to prioritise this could go. Family need to know contact details of attendees for contact tracing, but everyone from work who wants to go is welcome. Only 3 people are going Sad

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/05/2021 09:28

On the face of it that's awful. I'd like to think they have commitments they cant rearrange and thats why they arent going.

justanotherneighinparadise · 28/05/2021 09:30

I think in fairness it honestly could be logistical. Half term requires childcare and some people might have booked holidays.

shouldistop · 28/05/2021 09:31

Honestly I think it's pretty selfish of your colleagues to ask to go to a funeral while numbers are limited, unless they were very close friends.
I can't stand collective, 'look at me' grief like this.

Original poster
OrangePowder · 28/05/2021 09:33

@shouldistop

Honestly I think it's pretty selfish of your colleagues to ask to go to a funeral while numbers are limited, unless they were very close friends. I can't stand collective, 'look at me' grief like this.
Numbers aren't restricted. Or they are, but it's a big number, plenty to accommodate everyone who might be there.
OP posts:
Daphnise · 28/05/2021 09:35

I'm afraid it's never really surprising how superficial colleague relationships are- how quick, immediate emotion evaporates when even a small commitment turns out to be needed.

CoffeeCakey · 28/05/2021 09:35

I'd try and think positively of your colleagues, it may be they have other commitments during half term, eg. Looking after their own children. Maybe they didn't feel the family would want a whole load of people from work going, even though they've said they are welcome funerals are very personal to families.

Youdoyoutoday · 28/05/2021 09:35

That is really sad but a lot of people do have holidays etc already booked so I think its more logistics than callousness.

Can you hold a memorial assembly after the half term? Children can write memories etc and can you invite the family to it (or send a link, my school are still doing online assemblies). Maybe put together a memorial book with photos and memories.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 09:40

Many of my colleagues, me included, would have our own children to care for in half term, and not everyone has family or ad hoc childcare.

Like others, I think there is a need for the school to do something to mark the event. Some schools I've worked in have done memorials, or planted a tree, or acknowledged the event in assembly.

I think you're being a little unfair on your colleagues here.

shouldistop · 28/05/2021 09:40

Numbers aren't restricted. Or they are, but it's a big number, plenty to accommodate everyone who might be there.

Ah ok, we're still restricted to 50 here.

CoffeeCakey · 28/05/2021 09:41

Or it might be the first time they've had a chance to go on holiday in over a year

MinorCharacter · 28/05/2021 09:43

Surely if the funeral had been on a workday, colleagues could attend because childcare etc is sorted. Not so during half term.

Original poster
OrangePowder · 28/05/2021 09:45

No one had given travel as their excuse.

I know childcare can be tricky for some but I think the vast majority could arrange a couple of hours for a local funeral if they wanted to. Let's face it, they thought it reasonable for an entire school of children to need childcare, if we'd closed for it.

OP posts:
Cadburyflakeicecream · 28/05/2021 09:49

It’s half term. I’d assume they have family things to do. Plus if they have young kids childcare might be a problem.

Original poster
OrangePowder · 28/05/2021 09:52

Of course they have family things to do, every time you go to a funeral you have to miss whatever you planned to do that day. They thought it was important enough to close a school, but not enough to miss a couple of hours family time?

OP posts:
shouldistop · 28/05/2021 09:52

Yes, it sounds like they just wanted a day off work tbh.

Mumdiva99 · 28/05/2021 09:53

Unfortunately this is human nature.

You go. Remember your colleague. I'm sorry for your loss. Let the family know how much the colleague meant to you and how saddened the school is by the loss.

Original poster
OrangePowder · 28/05/2021 09:54

Yes it's going to be me, the head and the deputy, the people accused of not caring enough...

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 28/05/2021 09:56

I agree with you that it is disappointing. Shows how little we should invest in work friendships.

BookWorm45 · 28/05/2021 09:58

I am sorry to hear about your loss of a colleague.

You can determine what is the right thing for you to do.

However you don't get to determine what is the right / wrong thing for your colleagues - you don't know their situations, their personal feelings about the colleague, their religious / spiritual beliefs, or even their feelings about what might be seen as a fear of too many colleagues imposing on a funeral and perhaps meaning that not so many friends / family can attend. All you can do is decide for yourself - not for them.

Original poster
OrangePowder · 28/05/2021 10:01

@BookWorm45

I am sorry to hear about your loss of a colleague.

You can determine what is the right thing for you to do.

However you don't get to determine what is the right / wrong thing for your colleagues - you don't know their situations, their personal feelings about the colleague, their religious / spiritual beliefs, or even their feelings about what might be seen as a fear of too many colleagues imposing on a funeral and perhaps meaning that not so many friends / family can attend. All you can do is decide for yourself - not for them.

That all makes sense except they all wanted to go if it was in work time.
OP posts:
misspattylacosta · 28/05/2021 10:03

Sounds like they wanted the school to make a gesture more than individuals doing their own thing.

And people are busy! It's hard to know who cannot attend and who doesn't want to take 2 hours off their own day.

jacks11 · 28/05/2021 10:03

Hmm.... I disagree with posters saying those colleagues lobbying for the school to close to allow them to attend the funeral but who now aren’t going to attend are being reasonable. There will be some who genuinely can’t go, but on the other hand I think it highly hypocritical that they were happy to expect parents to find childcare at short notice by having the school close for the day. Something which they are now unwilling or unable to do themselves. That is, in itself, unreasonable.

I’m afraid I’m with OP on this one- there will be some who genuinely cannot make it because they are going away (I would not expect anyone to cancel a holiday to go to a colleagues funeral) or have tried and failed to find childcare. However, I bet the majority haven’t even tried to find childcare and/or don’t want to give up a few hours of their holiday. They would, however, have been happy to go if there was no inconvenience to themselves and/or they got a whole day off. It’s not edifying and in OP’s shoes I think I’d be a bit disappointed too.

SelkieQualia · 28/05/2021 10:05

I know they've been invited, but do they really feel comfortable going? I would feel like I was intruding of it was a family funeral.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 10:07

It was highly unlikely the whole school would have closed though. When schools I've worked in have had funerals (staff and students), those who wanted to go were allowed to go and those who didn't remained in school. We all pulled together, got agency staff in and the school continued for the morning/afternoon. Generally it was only those who were close to the person who took the time.

Orf1abc · 28/05/2021 10:08

Grief is not a competition. Do what is best for you, let others make their own decisions and respect them. I doubt the family care one bit if many of you turn up.