To be really disappointed in my colleagues?

[OrangePowder]

I work in a small school.

Very sadly, we lost a colleague to cancer a few weeks ago. At the time there was a huge outpouring of grief, everyone wanted to do "something" to remember her. The head was put under a lot of pressure to contribute to a memorial of some sort and staff wanted to close for the day of the funeral so everyone could attend.

Head said, yes we will do something, but let's wait and see what the family wants, they've got other things to deal with atm. Similarly, she didn't commit to anything re the funeral until we knew what family wanted and what restrictions there would be on numbers. Staff were outraged because they felt not enough was being done.

So, completely out of our control, the funeral is in half term, so everyone who wants to prioritise this could go. Family need to know contact details of attendees for contact tracing, but everyone from work who wants to go is welcome. Only 3 people are going

OP,
I can really understand your disappointment and probable embarrassment.

The poor family trying to accommodate the school and now that they have but there isn't a day off for the staff they have bailed.

Appalling but obviously as it's en masse it sounds as if the grief was largely for show.

You are not responsible for the staff nor should you apologise or take on any of the embarrassment.

If they wish to not bother that is on them

Condolences to you.

I agree, it's highly unlikely that the school would have closed, but they were outraged and actually quite vile to the head because she didn't imeadiately agree that everyone could go.

It's a small school, we're only talking 20 or so people anyway and she had no husband, parents or children, work was all she had, there won't be many people at the funeral

People compartmentalise though, and the nature of work especially in a school reinforces this. It doesn't mean that they valued your colleague any less. Just that it's a work relationship and part of that world to them. They might cope better not letting the grief be part of their other world. Obviously there's all the practicalities too and this half-term more than any other in recent times has been the focus for a lot of family plans, trips away etc. I wouldn't begrudge them for doing that rather than going to a funeral, and as it's perhaps unsurprisingly turned out, the funeral isn't likely to be what it would be if it was held on a day off in term time and all the staff attended. I think given how many people have all had the same thought, it's not about them being selfish or duplicitous or "just wanting a day off". That feels like an overly simplistic take and I'd credit your colleagues with more complexity unless you really don't like them.

I see that they would have gone if the school had allowed a day off. But that doesn't mean that they were only interested in a day off.

I get some might have booked hols or have childcare issues but I just don't believe the whole school staff have these issues. Surely 1 or 2 of them could go.

Well, 3 of them are going. And I wouldn't believe that the vast majority would have such issues in an average half-term; but this isn't an average half-term (assuming that OP is in the UK); it's the first half term since some of the restrictions were lifted. So many occasions, meetings and holidays may have been especially planned, quite a long time ago, for that week.

I would judge your colleagues' caring much more by how they treated her when she was ill. Did they check up on how she was, and do anything that was needed to help her and take over her duties when she could not be there? Or did they just forget about her until the announcement that she'd died? In the latter case, you might be right that they didn't really care that much.

Frosty behaviour by your colleagues. Typical ! They sound like they can't even be slightly inconvenienced. Are they mostly British ? This is pretty typical for the average British person in my experience ! Very cold people and very much out for themselves and what suits them and their boundaries.

It's appalling that hardly anyone is going. And it's appalling how many people on this thread think that it's 'fair enough', as it could be an ' inconvenience' to go. The usual bullshit !

That all makes sense except they all wanted to go if it was in work time.

Being generous, it might be less about wanting time off work and more about the oddness of collective grief. We see it with the death of Princess Diana. People get weirdly caught up in grief that's not really their grief. In this case, the reality has set in. It's no longer something collective, they'd have to deal with it and make more of an effort and they're not going to. I'm not altogether surprised. Colleague friendships are not that strong unfortunately.

@misspattylacosta

theleafandnotthetree

Jesus Christ, what an imposition to ask 2 hours to mark the passing of a colleague.

I you have young kids and no childcare, it is actually.
And this is MN where posters faint at the idea of leaving a 15 year old alone!

If you are away on holiday, if you have booked something for the day (and you'd better have booked, most places are now fully booked for half-term) , then yes, it's an imposition to cancel your plans and not fair on your family.

People are much more willing to do things during their working hours, so what.

Where there's a will there's a way, the point the OP is making is that there clearly isn't a will now that people might have to put themselves out a bit. You figure it out if something is important to you, as one poster suggested, some of the teachers could go and others could mind all the kids if childcare is the big issue. As for having to change family plans to attend a funeral, I think it is no bad lesson for children to learn that adults have obligations which may arise, that we are connected to more people than just our nuclear family, that there is a bigger picture.

We had a similar situation my our last job, except it wasn’t even a colleague it was a colleague’s adult child ( who none of us had ever met) who died in a very tragic way.

There was a great fuss from some staff demanding that the company owners ( small family business ) give them a paid day off to attend the funeral.

So the owners agreed the staff who were working that day ( lots of part time staff ) could have a paid half day to attend the afternoon funeral and they arranged for a temp to come in and answer the phones etc .

Immediately there was an outcry from the staff who were not scheduled to work that day about how unfair it was that they had to attend in their own time whereas their colleagues were being paid to attend .

And no, childcare / eldercare / transport wasn’t an issue for anyone - I know because it was a very small office.

The small family company gave a very long period of paid bereavement leave to the staff member who lost their adult child - I think it was 4 months compared to the two weeks that was in the contract. They did this because of the circumstances surrounding the bereavement.

Colleagues on their team had to do extra work to cover for them as it was a skilled job in short supply. Also the company couldn’t afford to pay the wages of the person who was off AND then another 1.5 times their wages to a temp, even if they could have hired someone.

The company gave an extra bonus to the others on that team who had covered for the person on bereavement leave.

Then the person came back to work and complained that they were not given the same bonus as everyone else on the team. And straightaway took the holidays that had accrued while they were on paid leave ( about 2.5 weeks ) while the rest of the team covered for them. Again.

They then raised a grievance to get the bonus, which was successful. That’s the bonus that was paid to others for working evening and weekends to cover their job .

People do this. When my dad was in a hospice everyone was queueing up to tell me they'd be at the funeral, must send the details etc. These were people he had known for years, old colleagues, friends, cousins in some cases. But when we told them when it was, most of them had holidays, job interviews, other vague prior commitments.

Our world had stopped but it was important for us to remember not everyone's had.

My mum is a domiciliary care worker and some of her clients and their families came to support her (this was pre covid obviously). That meant the absolute world to her.

(But should have added that I'm very sorry for your loss and you are doubtless feeling upset anyway and that will add to the disappointment. I'm sure it will mean a lot that you and the other two are going)

@OrangePowder

I agree, it's highly unlikely that the school would have closed, but they were outraged and actually quite vile to the head because she didn't imeadiately agree that everyone could go.

It's a small school, we're only talking 20 or so people anyway and she had no husband, parents or children, work was all she had, there won't be many people at the funeral

Oh God that makes it worse, I am now furious on your behalf. Your colleagues have embarrassed themselves and now will embarrass the school by not turning up. People can be so disappointing, I feel so sorry for you and for your deceased colleague ( I know the latter is irrational).

@IND1A that’s appalling. Especially for a small business, I imagine it can severely affect it :(

I'd ask MNHQ to pull this thread, OP.

Your colleague's family could read it and be upset.

Very insensitive of you to start it.

Your colleagues are an embarrassment- they wanted time off work.

As for having to change family plans to attend a funeral, I think it is no bad lesson for children to learn that adults have obligations which may arise, that we are connected to more people than just our nuclear family, that there is a bigger picture.

not after more than a year of lockdown!
People are just about starting to have their life back, I can't blame anyone who puts their family first and do something after months of restrictions.

And back in the real world, not many people would cancel their holidays for the funeral of a work colleague.

(not talking about the OP here) but it's so easy to judge and "be furious on your behalf" when it doesn't actually impact you

Sorry for your loss OP

I can understand your hurt, it does feel quite hypocritical that those who had a go at others and were so vehement about being allowed to attend are now drifting away

No doubt there will be people with real reasons they can't go, but for almost all of them to drop out I agree is disappointing. 3 staff going out of 20 is poor

We had a teacher die suddenly at ds's primary a couple of years ago and the school did close for a half day so all staff could attend, plus had a memorial service at the school and planted a tree in the grounds

Hope the day goes as well as possible

@Babbly

I don't actually believe this thread.

• OP, how would you know which staff are intending to go to the funeral? Have you conducted a survey or asked every member of staff? Did you ask a grieving family who is going from the school, if so, why? Perhaps only three people have provided contact details for tracing SO FAR - the funeral isn't until next week.
• Which country are you in? I find it hard to believe that numbers are unrestricted where you are. From your other posts, it appears you live in England, where numbers are capped at 30. So three colleagues is pretty reasonable imo.

I just don't believe this at all.

The numbers for funerals are not capped at 30 anymore in England, that was lifted on 17th May. The current rules are that they can have as many as the venue can hold in Covid times. In our church that's 200, the same as we're allowed for normal services. Believe me, I have to organise two or three funerals a week. Some places have chosen to keep to a lower limit voluntarily, but many have allowed up to their venue capacity.

And it would be normal for the school to collect and collate names and numbers of those intending to attend the funeral and then to pass it on to the family as one list, rather than asking every colleague to contact the family individually and give them more stress/work. Unless the colleagues were close to the family independently of work, it would be strange to ask them each to get in touch separately.

@misspattylacosta

Nervous that the family will see this and it will upset them; nervous the colleagues will see this and it will worsen the situation. The details are pretty outing. There's no need for this face -->

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

This doesn't surprise me with work colleagues. We may think they are friends but 9 times out of 10 it is all fake. They wanted a day off, some will be busy but a lot will not want to give up their own time to go when they thought they were going to get out of work for it. I thought I had a good friend at work, until I got made redundant. Have never heard from them again. It has shown me just how fake most "friendships" are at work.

I suspect your gut feeling is right op. It's disappointing but nothing you can do, only what you feel is right for you.

During school time everyone would be willing to go but as it's half term I imagine a lot of people had fixed plans in place as it's the first school holiday since lockdown eased and yes people are a bit self centred that they wont cancel a booked holiday for a colleagues funeral. It doesn't mean they thought any less of her but agree that it's hurtful for the family if they feel she wasn't appreciated when she was. and considering the fuss they made about it. I agree it was right for the senior team to wait and see what family wanted. Perhaps the school could have a separate memorial service next term that the family are invited to?

It will be logistics. You dont take children to a funeral of someone they had never met. You rarely take them at all in fact so I'd expect that's a big factor.

I wonder if the family thought the half term would be a better time for colleagues to attend and not inconvenience the school, not realising that school staff are likely to have plans in place for holidays particularly in the current climate post lockdown etc. I hope that wasn't the case and they only chose a date suitable for them

There are no caps on funeral attendance since 17th May.

So they'd have been fine going to the funeral if they got the day off and also the children lost a days education. But not in their own time? Two faced gits comes to mind.

@Babbly

I don't actually believe this thread.

• OP, how would you know which staff are intending to go to the funeral? Have you conducted a survey or asked every member of staff? Did you ask a grieving family who is going from the school, if so, why? Perhaps only three people have provided contact details for tracing SO FAR - the funeral isn't until next week.
• Which country are you in? I find it hard to believe that numbers are unrestricted where you are. From your other posts, it appears you live in England, where numbers are capped at 30. So three colleagues is pretty reasonable imo.

I just don't believe this at all.

I explained exactly how I know. Numbers are capped, but only by the size of the venue. There is no 30 limit any more. In this case it is 60. I have been talking to the relative, a great nephew, organising the funeral since staff first said they wanted to go. She has very little in the way of family, but because so many colleagues wanted to go (which he appreciated) he went for the larger of two possibilities.

Because of the 60 limit and for contact tracing he needs to know in advance who will be going and I have had the job of gathering that information.

Is that OK?