To be really disappointed in my colleagues?

[OrangePowder]

I work in a small school.

Very sadly, we lost a colleague to cancer a few weeks ago. At the time there was a huge outpouring of grief, everyone wanted to do "something" to remember her. The head was put under a lot of pressure to contribute to a memorial of some sort and staff wanted to close for the day of the funeral so everyone could attend.

Head said, yes we will do something, but let's wait and see what the family wants, they've got other things to deal with atm. Similarly, she didn't commit to anything re the funeral until we knew what family wanted and what restrictions there would be on numbers. Staff were outraged because they felt not enough was being done.

So, completely out of our control, the funeral is in half term, so everyone who wants to prioritise this could go. Family need to know contact details of attendees for contact tracing, but everyone from work who wants to go is welcome. Only 3 people are going

I believe that if you really wanted to attend a funeral you would do everything you could to be able to. If you don't then you couldn't have been that bothered in going in the first place.

But it's impossible to know how the family feel about it all. Would they even expect every staff member to go?

@dd1 I take your point. But then why ask to go to the funeral during work time?

@pinkcups

Frosty behaviour by your colleagues. Typical ! They sound like they can't even be slightly inconvenienced. Are they mostly British ? This is pretty typical for the average British person in my experience ! Very cold people and very much out for themselves and what suits them and their boundaries.

It's appalling that hardly anyone is going. And it's appalling how many people on this thread think that it's 'fair enough', as it could be an ' inconvenience' to go. The usual bullshit !

Yes everyone in Britain is exactly the same. Take your casual xenophobia elsewhere.

I agree with you OP, it doesn't look good. But is there still time for other people to give their test and trace contact details?

kindofcoping

You are not necessarily wrong, but I don't agree that it's selfish not to feel any "attachment" (can't think of a better word) or responsibility towards a work colleague just because you happen to work in the same place.

You have to be decent, but you don't have to actually care about everybody you meet.

pinkcups

I am not British , HTH

I think it must make mourning so very, very lonely in the UK

It really depends on the person concerned. You go to some funerals (outside covid times) and you can barely get into the church because it is so full. Other funerals have hardly anyone at them. When my grandmother died hardly anyone was there because she was 101 and had outlived her friends. Same with my father (early 90s). But I've been to other funerals with well over 100 people.

@dd1 I take your point. But then why ask to go to the funeral during work time?

If they really did put lots of pressure on the head about this, I would agree that this was unreasonable. I do wonder if it was one person who was really pressurizing, and the others saying vaguely 'yes, I agree with X'. I've seen that sort of thing quite often. But yes, if they really were bullying the head about it and then being capricious about it, I agree that's nasty behaviour.

It also occurs to me, however, that the real difference may not have been about whether they had a day off or not, but that if it was in term-time they'd have been a group representing the school, whereas in half-term they'd have been going as separate individuals, and some may have felt uncomfortable about that if they didn't know the colleague very well, or at least may have felt it was less essential.

think it must make mourning so very, very lonely in the UK

No it makes it sensitive and personal.
Not everyone wants lots of people around them when they are grieving.

With your update OP, I’m actually pretty aghast at your colleagues behaviour. To kick up a big fuss, be unkind to the head teacher for not closing the school so they could go and suggest to the relative organising the funeral that they intended to go- which in turn led to a larger venue being booked-but then not attend (despite knowing this) because it is inconvenient is very shoddy behaviour (at best). I hope they are suitably ashamed, but I suspect they will all cite a “good reason” and not feel anything at all.

I also strongly suspect for some the idea of shutting the school had nothing to do with a strong desire to attend their colleagues funeral in order to pay their respects and everything to do with an extra day off. They would have gone to the funeral and behaved appropriately, I’m sure, but I’m not sure it was the primary motivating factor. And let’s not forget they were happy to expect parents to find childcare at short notice.

I feel sorry for the poor man organising a funeral larger than needed, I suspect in those specific circumstances they will be upset that colleagues of their great aunt are not attending. It will seem she was not as respected as was initially suggested.

I think it must make mourning so very, very lonely in the UK

I think is both yes and no. I used to prefer to mourn quietly and alone. I was very uncomfortable at funerals and with grieving in public.

That has changed for me over the years. Probably because when my mother died, her friends were incredibly supportive of me. I think they were all from a more Irish tradition of mourning. They checked in on me, helped me with everything, filled my fridge and freezer with food so I didn’t need to think about anything. It meant the world to me at a very difficult time.

They took such good care of me that they changed my view and now I actively want the support of others if and when I am in that position.

So I can understand both views but I do think the OP’s colleagues were out of line in kicking up a fuss first and then not making the effort when the funeral was scheduled for half term.

I find it difficult to accept that only three people can go, and others cannot change some arrangements. No-one is going abroad next week I expect, for example.

I've never gone to a colleague's funeral in work time or otherwise. I'd only go if it was someone I classed as a friend outside work. On the few occasions someone I've worked with (and liked/respected) has died, I make a point of thinking about them on the day of the funeral, while working as usual.

@Arbadacarba

I've never gone to a colleague's funeral in work time or otherwise. I'd only go if it was someone I classed as a friend outside work. On the few occasions someone I've worked with (and liked/respected) has died, I make a point of thinking about them on the day of the funeral, while working as usual.

You made a point of thinking about them... Wow, such effort!

@INneedOFaSTIFF1

I voted YABU only because you are being unreasonable to have thought they cared in the first place. People generally don't give a shit about their colleagues in my experience. Clearly, they all wanted a day off or love the drama

What a sad thing to write. Seems you're definitely right in this instance. Not in general though, I hope. The last funeral I heard of had a restriction of numbers because of Covid - people went and stood outside, The last work-related funeral I went to was restricted purely by the size of the church. We let close family and old people sit down, everyone else stood up or stood outside. In this case the remaining relative clearly actually booked a bigger place. So sad! My experience is also that family generally appreciate good attendance at funerals. If they only wanted close people there, they'd have a private one, wouldn't they so that is no excuse.

You made a point of thinking about them... Wow, such effort!

The effort is commensurate with the importance they had in my life. I am not going to pretend to be grief-stricken by the loss of someone I only saw at work and who I won't really miss - that would be hypocritical - but I'll 'remember' them and feel sympathy for those who were close to them.

"Yes everyone in Britain is exactly the same. Take your casual xenophobia elsewhere."

Yes, but OTOH plenty of people on this thread are justifying the teachers' behaviour with things like 'maybe they have family plans'.

"When my grandmother died hardly anyone was there because she was 101 and had outlived her friends. Same with my father (early 90s). But I've been to other funerals with well over 100 people."

Yes, or also if people spend their last years in a care home away from where they last lived independently, they can lose touch with people.
The funerals of young people obviously get huge attendance.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Yes everyone in Britain is exactly the same. Take your casual xenophobia elsewhere."

Yes, but OTOH plenty of people on this thread are justifying the teachers' behaviour with things like 'maybe they have family plans'.

I was wrong to say British people- like ALL. Its xenophobic. It's the general attitude in the UK I find cold and selfish. ( again, not everyone ). But a lot. In real life and Mumsnet. People don't help each other out, they don't go out of their way and often have a need for boundaries- translation, if it doesn't benefit me 100 percent, then I don't need to do it. Again, in general, based on my experiences and friendships. My impression only.

But that's why your colleague's behaviour doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

That’s awful. Because it looks very clearly like they were just trying to get a day off. I’d be very disappointed too. I suspect if the school had been closed for it op they’d still not have attended.

In Ireland it is common enough practice that a business would close for a day to mark the death of a colleague.
In the case of the colleague I mentioned in my other post, the organisation closed - not necessarily so everyone could attend the funeral but as a mark of respect.
And the entire team did attend either the removal or the funeral or both.
We have sensitive and personal grief too here but we also benefit from the rituals of having our loved ones mourned and celebrated by their community.

I'm still surprised by those who say they have never attended a colleagues funeral.

I was at a the funeral of a person in their late 40's who died a couple of years ago and all the members of the sports club they had been a member of lined the street as the hearse went past and it was immensely moving. And a comfort to their partner that so many people cared.

Here is it also usual that, unless it's a family member or close friend etc, you might have a morning off or a couple of hours to attend the funeral and then back to work. Also the removal is always in the evening so this also allows people with children / immovable work schedules to attend at least one part.

I think a few people wanted to do something and everyone then agreed and then suddenly they are all expected to attend a funeral, rather than it being what was actually wanted as such.

I can’t say I’d want my Dhs work colleagues around mind if he was to suddenly drop dead, rather have something not relate to work for just once in forever.

I voted YABU only because you are being unreasonable to have thought they cared in the first place. People generally don't give a shit about their colleagues in my experience. Clearly, they all wanted a day off or love the drama

Sad as it is, I think this is true. People love a drama, and love complaining about management being uncaring and not giving them a day off, but only a few will actually put themselves out for others when it comes down to it.

An ex-colleague of mine died a few years ago, and only a small handful of colleagues were at the funeral (I attended). It was held in working hours, but obviously having to negotiate time off and travel there was too much for a lot of people.

It's sad, but it tells you which people are worth making an effort for and which probably aren't.

This doesn't surprise me with work colleagues. We may think they are friends but 9 times out of 10 it is all fake
I don't think it's fake. I think some people confuse being friendly with being friends.
I get on with my colleagues and enjoy socials with them when we socialise as a group, and within that group I'd consider them work friends and colleagues I get on with/am friendly with. Then there's people I work/ed with who I have a distinct friendship with independent of work socials. Our partners know each other, we socialise 1-1, we are in touch even when one of us changes job.

Here even elderly people have large funerals even if their own friends etc have already died before them. People go to support the friends and relatives.

And it would be noted and spoken about as being especially sad if an elderly person died and had a very poorly attended funeral, in the cases where there is a suspicion this might be the case people go out of their way to attend to give that person a 'decent send-off'

I live rurally and there's an elderly demographic here, with quite a lot of older, unmarred bachelor farmers and we know them as neighbours, in the local shop, walking past their houses etc and we would always attend their funerals if one of them died. They're part of our community here and they are missed when they die.

TBH there are only a handful of colleagues I'd go to a funeral for, in this case I'm a senior member of staff representing the school and that's fine. It's not that more aren't going (and in many cases I'd agree that might be intrusive) it's that they all made so much fuss about being allowed the time to go and now they're not going to attend.

It may well have been only some who wanted it and others just agreed, but it wasn't only one. I saw the emails, about half the staff expressed disappointment that head didn't imeadiately agree to close, with varying degrees of venom/professionlism.