To be really disappointed in my colleagues?

[OrangePowder]

I work in a small school.

Very sadly, we lost a colleague to cancer a few weeks ago. At the time there was a huge outpouring of grief, everyone wanted to do "something" to remember her. The head was put under a lot of pressure to contribute to a memorial of some sort and staff wanted to close for the day of the funeral so everyone could attend.

Head said, yes we will do something, but let's wait and see what the family wants, they've got other things to deal with atm. Similarly, she didn't commit to anything re the funeral until we knew what family wanted and what restrictions there would be on numbers. Staff were outraged because they felt not enough was being done.

So, completely out of our control, the funeral is in half term, so everyone who wants to prioritise this could go. Family need to know contact details of attendees for contact tracing, but everyone from work who wants to go is welcome. Only 3 people are going

Something similar happened in my nursery when I first joined (my predecessor died of long covid). Nobody went to the funeral. They wanted the family to set it up during nursery hours and close the nursery and the feeling was that the family clearly didn’t care enough about their attendance if they didn’t do that. I thought it was really selfish. They would rather have made our parents seek childcare than do it themselves for a couple of hours.

Completely understand why you might feel disappointed OP - but sadly this is human nature. A lot of people fall victim to being 'grief vultures' and virtue-signalling, but very few actually care.

Remember that you can't control anyone else's behaviour, as frustrating or confusing as that is.

Good for you on going to the funeral. The family will probably take comfort from seeing you and your two colleagues as representatives.

Very very sad. I would be disappointed too OP.

Having once worked in HR it absolutely does not surprise me that people were very keen to go in work time, but not in their holidays. I saw it happen too many times to be surprised

People love to show how horribly terribly unhappy and grieving they are. How their grief and love is so immense that something big, showy must be done to represent how awfully hard they are taking it.
Oh except Tuesday, Tuesday doesn't work for me.

YANBU. Of course some have genuine reasons why they couldn't attend. But to have been insisting on school closure to attend, but then none of them being able to go, is really poor on their part.

I'm glad you & the Head / Deputy can go, this will mean a lot to your colleague's family. I'm sorry for your loss.

Bookworm45

However you don't get to determine what is the right / wrong thing for your colleagues - you don't know their situations, their personal feelings about the colleague, their religious / spiritual beliefs, or even their feelings about what might be seen as a fear of too many colleagues imposing on a funeral and perhaps meaning that not so many friends / family can attend. All you can do is decide for yourself - not for them.

None of those things appeared to be an issue when they wanted the school to close for the day to allow them to attend. They wanted a day off work and now the funeral is during half term they don't want to go on their own time. Childcare may be an issue but they didn't consider the childcare issues that closing the school for a day would cause.

I'd be disappointed in them too. Of course some individuals may have some very good reasons why they now can't go. But on the face of it, it does look as if there was a large element making a public display of grief and concern, who can't actually be bothered to make the effort when it comes to it.

If they really wanted to go then they would go. I doubt many are going on holiday anyway. I’m sure they could arrange childcare for a couple of hours if they thought it was important enough.

@misspattylacosta

Sounds like they wanted the school to make a gesture more than individuals doing their own thing.

And people are busy! It's hard to know who cannot attend and who doesn't want to take 2 hours off their own day.

Jesus Christ, what an imposition to ask 2 hours to mark the passing of a colleague. OP, I'm with you, this is appalling and I think I'd find it very hard to get past it. I mean I'd have to but it would taint my feelings about my colleagues. As an Irish person, this is unthinkable. If it was the colleagues parent, let alone themselves, most people would go.

@Orf1abc

Grief is not a competition. Do what is best for you, let others make their own decisions and respect them. I doubt the family care one bit if many of you turn up.

I think the family will care very much actually. A poor show will be interpreted as a lack of caring or respect for their loved one.

It's obvious that they simply wanted a day off work.
PPs saying there may have been childcare issues at half term - what would the whole school do for childcare for the alternative?

It's selfish and thoughtless.

YABU to dictate which funerals your colleagues go to. Grief is a personal process. I hate funerals and will avoid them wherever humanly possible. Does that mean I don't care about the people? No. But they knew I loved them, and if there is anything after life they'll know I continue to miss them - I don't need to sit and shed tears with a room full of other people to prove that.

@OrangePowder

YANBU. Looks like they didn't care about her as much as their massive outpouring of grief indicated.

Like a few other posters here, I get SO pissed off with this public display of grief that some people show. Often when they barely knew the person.

And the fact that only 3 people are going to the funeral, proves (IMO) that most people didn't care about her much.

Not in a nasty way, like they disliked her, just that she didn't register much on their radar, and despite the 'outpouring of grief' people are already starting to forget about her.

Hasn't taken long has it? Very sad.

You sound lovely though. I am sure the funeral will be lovely, and at least the people attending, will be those who actually cared about her, rather than people turning up just to show their face, and say they went, when they probably knew naff-all about her.

I think some people on this thread are completely missing the point. They all wanted to go when they thought they'd get a day off work but now that's not happening they can't be bothered.

I get some might have booked hols or have childcare issues but I just don't believe the whole school staff have these issues. Surely 1 or 2 of them could go. Even a couple of teachers could mind the others children so the rest of them could go. If you really want something you find a way.

Shockingly bad of them.

I think the family will care very much actually. A poor show will be interpreted as a lack of caring or respect for their loved one
I'd not feel comfortable going to the funeral of anyone other than a family member or friend (including friends I work with as opposed to colleague's I get on with).
If anyone sought to argue that me not attending a colleague's funeral was a sign of lack of respect then I'm afraid that would be their issue, and they have no grounds to decide how I feel about a situation.

I am very sorry about your colleague. Half term would actually seem more difficult for many than the school week, because of childcare and the likelihood of prior arrangements (especially right now, as it was known to be the first half term week when many meetings, etc. would be permitted). If it was a school week, the head might perhaps have arranged in advance to give half a day off for the funeral. Of course, you don't have control over what the family chooses.

And are you sure that the family really wants lots of people there whom they don't know? Saying that everyone from work can come is not the same thing as saying that they'd feel comforted by having them all come. For some people, funerals are made more painful by having to socialize with strangers and near-strangers at a time of grief. Perhaps it would be better for colleagues to send the family letters or cards expressing their condolences and appreciation of your colleague.

I would suggest doing something else to remember your colleague. Fundraise for a cause that she valued, and/or perhaps for cancer research. Plant a tree in her memory. Create a 'memory book', to which the staff, children, and any parents who wish, can contribute memories in text and drawings. There are many things that you could all do, that might honour your colleague and keep her in memory'

It's so sad that the family scheduled the funeral around the school staff. I wonder how much extra effort and stress they went to to accommodate school staff? Not very good role models for the children they teach

@LindaEllen

YABU to dictate which funerals your colleagues go to. Grief is a personal process. I hate funerals and will avoid them wherever humanly possible. Does that mean I don't care about the people? No. But they knew I loved them, and if there is anything after life they'll know I continue to miss them - I don't need to sit and shed tears with a room full of other people to prove that.

Yes but all these people were mad to go when it looked like they would get a day off school and not have to make any personal effort to be there, THAT is the crux of the OP's disappointment with her colleagues. And very few people 'love' going to funerals but guess what, it's not about you, it's about honouring that person collectively, about demonstrating to that person's family that they were respected, loved, etc, that people were making an effort - practical, emotional, etc - to be there

We had a colleague funeral near to Christmas- lots of staff we didn't expect to be there made the effort and turned up and the family were really touched by how many people were there. It is very different now I guess with restrictions, but I am with you OP.

This thread is making me nervous because it feels very outing (unless the details have been changed, of course).

Yes - I agree with theleafandnotthetree above.

They were all keen to go when it wasn't on "their own time".

My bitch of a sister in law was the same - too busy to sit with her Dad when her Mum died as she had a "hair appointment" but when it came to time off work to sit with him - she was "too upset to work".

If that many people felt THAT strongly about it to have a day off work then you would think there would be LOTS of people wanting to attend - not just 3.

I'd be disappointed too OP.

theleafandnotthetree

Jesus Christ, what an imposition to ask 2 hours to mark the passing of a colleague.

I you have young kids and no childcare, it is actually.
And this is MN where posters faint at the idea of leaving a 15 year old alone!

If you are away on holiday, if you have booked something for the day (and you'd better have booked, most places are now fully booked for half-term) , then yes, it's an imposition to cancel your plans and not fair on your family.

People are much more willing to do things during their working hours, so what.

@Limpshade

This thread is making me nervous because it feels very outing (unless the details have been changed, of course).

nervous about what exactly?