To be really disappointed in my colleagues?

[OrangePowder]

I work in a small school.

Very sadly, we lost a colleague to cancer a few weeks ago. At the time there was a huge outpouring of grief, everyone wanted to do "something" to remember her. The head was put under a lot of pressure to contribute to a memorial of some sort and staff wanted to close for the day of the funeral so everyone could attend.

Head said, yes we will do something, but let's wait and see what the family wants, they've got other things to deal with atm. Similarly, she didn't commit to anything re the funeral until we knew what family wanted and what restrictions there would be on numbers. Staff were outraged because they felt not enough was being done.

So, completely out of our control, the funeral is in half term, so everyone who wants to prioritise this could go. Family need to know contact details of attendees for contact tracing, but everyone from work who wants to go is welcome. Only 3 people are going

@LindaEllen

YABU to dictate which funerals your colleagues go to. Grief is a personal process. I hate funerals and will avoid them wherever humanly possible. Does that mean I don't care about the people? No. But they knew I loved them, and if there is anything after life they'll know I continue to miss them - I don't need to sit and shed tears with a room full of other people to prove that.

This is me as well. I hate funerals. I grieve privately.

The school could have marked the passing of the colleague some other way.

I voted YABU only because you are being unreasonable to have thought they cared in the first place. People generally don't give a shit about their colleagues in my experience. Clearly, they all wanted a day off or love the drama

I don't think you can generalise about your colleagues.

yes, some might have wanted a day off.

Others have plans.

Many people would absolutely agree that the school should do "something" to remember their colleague, it doesn't have to mean cancelling holiday plan. It's not a lack of respect not to attend a colleague's funeral.

I think this situation is shocking, but even more shocking to me are the many people who have posted that they would not disrupt their lives for a colleagues funeral. I have to say I find this approach very sad.

I'm Irish and we have such a radically different culture around grief and funerals and having experienced both I far prefer the Irish approach.

People travel far and wide to attend funerals and it is as a mark of respect for the person who had died and to show support and solidarity to the mourning family. Often lovely memories are shared and this the family may not have known the stories of their loved ones and it gives great comfort to know that the passing of the person you love has also registered outside your immediate bubble and that the person was liked, loved, respected and will be missed.

OP I think your colleagues have behaved appallingly.

About 2 years ago one of my colleagues died after a long illness. I had not worked very long with them as they'd been on sick leave for a significant length of my time in the organisation but they themselves had worked there many years and work was their life before sickness took hold.

I was on a short holiday with my family in another part of the country when they died and I cut the holiday short so I could make it back to attend the funeral. It was a mark of respect for me and very much the expected social norm here.

I would SO hate if my dh died for instance and his colleagues couldn't be bothered to attend the funeral because they don't like going to them or they didn't want to give up a couple of hours of their day.....unimaginable to me!

I think it must make mourning so very, very lonely in the UK

I think it's very sad. We were in this position recently and over 90 percent of people went to line the streets. We did a huge fundraiser (vitually) in his name.
People are showing who they are. I will get flamed for that but it's true.

Hmm it's hard to say without knowing those people personally. I think often people just like to virtue signal "omg let's make a huge gesture" but once the shock wears off they cba. Or maybe they really can't go - I have no idea. We sadly lost a colleague in her 30s a few years ago and the entire office attended her funeral. We were all genuinely very upset. Just try to think that you are going to pay your respects and you will always be able to take some comfort in the fact that you genuinely cared and weren't just there for show.

I wouldn't go to a small family funeral if the school were going to do some sort of memorial either.

Maybe it's something that you feel like you should do, but that doesn't give you the right to judge others for not going.

I was under the impression that if a funeral is happening, then you move plans to attend. Or is that just me?!

It's terrible OP.

I remember being heavily pregnant and travelling about 4 hours for a colleague whose husband died young. I barely knew the husband but felt so much for my colleague and wanted to support her.
I agree with you. These colleagues are fair weather friends. I’m sure some had plans but all of them ? I doubt it. It’s disappointing

I explained exactly how I know. Numbers are capped, but only by the size of the venue. There is no 30 limit any more. In this case it is 60. I have been talking to the relative, a great nephew, organising the funeral since staff first said they wanted to go. She has very little in the way of family, but because so many colleagues wanted to go (which he appreciated) he went for the larger of two possibilities

Wow, that makes it worse. I hope they do have the numbers in the end as going for a larger venue being told you'll have certain numbers and not having them filled is bad enough for parties etc, but so sad and depressing at a funeral.

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I think a lot of people are missing the point. If they're willing to put childcare responsibilities on others by shutting school for a day then it is hypocritical not to make the effort themselves. Of course like others say there will be people who have holidays and other commitments they just can't get out of, but I do think it's unlikely it's just you, the head and deputy.

'Of course they have family things to do, every time you go to a funeral you have to miss whatever you planned to do that day. They thought it was important enough to close a school, but not enough to miss a couple of hours family time?'

Exactly.

Op, this is awful. To cause a fuss that the head hadn't immediately agreed to close the school for the funeral yet not attend when it's their day off is just appalling.

So many self absorbed people about sadly. Lovely that you are going, sorry your selfish colleagues are making a sad time even worse .

Funerals are family and friends affair aren't they?

I'd expect to see 1 or 2 people from work at most, and the workplace to ensure they send 1 representative, but not more than that.

If more people want to attend, of course, but It's really unusual.

It's different when people show their respect to someone who died for the community, I would take (and have taken) my kids off school for a policeman or serviceman who died in action, but wouldn't attend the actual funeral service, that's private.

I’m with you, OP. And I’m not really surprised. Similar happened in a company I worked for about 20 years ago. Staff rolled up demanding time off for the funeral but when it was then scheduled for a Saturday, very few actually bothered to attend.

And I also understand your anger at people rudely making demands of the head but, when it comes down to it, not making the effort on their own time.

My sympathies to you all.

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think it was reasonable of staff to suggest closing the school for the day. That seems a bit extreme. Half term is tricky due to child care and precooked holidays. If they really wanted to go then they would find a way. It seems most sensible to have a 30 minute memorial during the morning assembly after half term, with a tree planted on the grounds. There is no need to shut down for the entire day.

@misspattylacosta yes but the fact is they ALL made a fuss wanting them school to be shit so they could go. Now no one wants to.
They indicated that they wanted to go and now a bigger venue has been booked to accommodate. It’s just wrong. Also, you spend a lot of time with work colleagues, more than with family and friends - I’d hope many become friends or at least would want to say goodbye.

Shut not shit!

I agree with you OP. Most people do not really give a shit about their colleagues.

I think it must make mourning so very, very lonely in the UK

I very, very much prefer that my mourning - if I have to mourn, which we all sometimes must - should be very very lonely. When I am grieving, it adds to my pain to have to socialize with people whom I don't know very well. I want as much privacy as possible on such occasions. It's not a UK thing ; it's a personal thing.

Of course, I would attend other people's funerals if their relatives wish it or may be comforted by it; I hope I would not be so self-centered as to assume that everyone is like me on this matter. But just to say that different people may feel very differently on such matters..

I can't tell whether your colleagues are uncaring, or truly unable to attend, or just do things differently. from you. As I said in another post, the true measure of caring and respect is how they treated her in life, and especially when she was ill.

[quote Tigertalk]@misspattylacosta yes but the fact is they ALL made a fuss wanting them school to be shit so they could go. Now no one wants to.
They indicated that they wanted to go and now a bigger venue has been booked to accommodate. It’s just wrong. Also, you spend a lot of time with work colleagues, more than with family and friends - I’d hope many become friends or at least would want to say goodbye.[/quote]
did they?

Did they ALL want school closure, or did they all want to to do "something" to remember her., contribute to a memorial...

And I can still see the difference between not wanting your workplace to carry on as if nothing happened, and not cancelling your holiday to actually go to the funeral.

So I think it's unfair to put every colleague in the same basket.

@kindofcoping

I agree with you OP. Most people do not really give a shit about their colleagues.

true as well, but why should they? You have to be civil and considerate, you don't have to make friends.

@misspattylacosta I think because caring about people you spend a lot of time with is a natural human thing to do.
But long experience has taught me that most people are selfish in spite of how they like to appear.

@misspattylacosta it says staff in the op. Not some or all. Op can clarify.
The point is, not everyone can possibly be going on holiday. I’m sure like most parents I know - half term will be staying at home. surely more than the op, headteacher and deputy can take 2 hours out to attend?? I think op said no one used a holiday as an excuse

@UniBallEye

I think this situation is shocking, but even more shocking to me are the many people who have posted that they would not disrupt their lives for a colleagues funeral. I have to say I find this approach very sad.

I'm Irish and we have such a radically different culture around grief and funerals and having experienced both I far prefer the Irish approach.

People travel far and wide to attend funerals and it is as a mark of respect for the person who had died and to show support and solidarity to the mourning family. Often lovely memories are shared and this the family may not have known the stories of their loved ones and it gives great comfort to know that the passing of the person you love has also registered outside your immediate bubble and that the person was liked, loved, respected and will be missed.

OP I think your colleagues have behaved appallingly.

About 2 years ago one of my colleagues died after a long illness. I had not worked very long with them as they'd been on sick leave for a significant length of my time in the organisation but they themselves had worked there many years and work was their life before sickness took hold.

I was on a short holiday with my family in another part of the country when they died and I cut the holiday short so I could make it back to attend the funeral. It was a mark of respect for me and very much the expected social norm here.

I would SO hate if my dh died for instance and his colleagues couldn't be bothered to attend the funeral because they don't like going to them or they didn't want to give up a couple of hours of their day.....unimaginable to me!

I think it must make mourning so very, very lonely in the UK

Fellow Irish person here and I'm of a similar mind to you. I do know there are very different cultural norms and expectations around funeral going in the UK (or parts of it) so I am trying not to be TOO judgemental. But what saddens me is the apparent attitude from the OP's colleagues and many on this thread that you don't do anything for anyone unless it suits you or if doesn't mean putting you or (God forbid!) your precious children out. What a narrow, cold and lonely way to live. It is no wonder people have childcare issues to attend a funeral if that is how they live, they have built up no social capital. We are all connected, there is plenty of love and fellow feeling to go around, cancelling or postponing til another day your family day out is a minor thing in the grand scheme of a life well lived.

I think because caring about people you spend a lot of time with is a natural human thing to do.

Most teachers don't spend that much time with their colleagues. Unless they are in specific positions, they spend most of their time in school with their pupils.

'Similar happened in a company I worked for about 20 years ago. Staff rolled up demanding time off for the funeral but when it was then scheduled for a Saturday, very few actually bothered to attend.'

Honestly, just appalling.