To be really disappointed in my colleagues?

[OrangePowder]

I work in a small school.

Very sadly, we lost a colleague to cancer a few weeks ago. At the time there was a huge outpouring of grief, everyone wanted to do "something" to remember her. The head was put under a lot of pressure to contribute to a memorial of some sort and staff wanted to close for the day of the funeral so everyone could attend.

Head said, yes we will do something, but let's wait and see what the family wants, they've got other things to deal with atm. Similarly, she didn't commit to anything re the funeral until we knew what family wanted and what restrictions there would be on numbers. Staff were outraged because they felt not enough was being done.

So, completely out of our control, the funeral is in half term, so everyone who wants to prioritise this could go. Family need to know contact details of attendees for contact tracing, but everyone from work who wants to go is welcome. Only 3 people are going

I felt a bit like this when I lost my dear friend. We worked for the same organisation. It was a few years ago and I expected most of her colleagues including her line manager to attend but they didn't. It was held during lunchtime as well. She was very active in a group as well but only one of those came. In the end it was just me, another colleague and my DS with her family.

I think because my DF's funeral was standing room only my expectation of funerals is that when it is someone very popular it is packed but it appears not to be the case. In my friend's circumstances as I am sure your colleague's they were very very loved and very missed.

@UniBallEye

Here even elderly people have large funerals even if their own friends etc have already died before them. People go to support the friends and relatives.

And it would be noted and spoken about as being especially sad if an elderly person died and had a very poorly attended funeral, in the cases where there is a suspicion this might be the case people go out of their way to attend to give that person a 'decent send-off'

I live rurally and there's an elderly demographic here, with quite a lot of older, unmarred bachelor farmers and we know them as neighbours, in the local shop, walking past their houses etc and we would always attend their funerals if one of them died. They're part of our community here and they are missed when they die.

@UniBallEye. You are describing Irish funeral rituals so well and conveying their value and why they matter so beautifully. Thank you. . I find the attitude of some on this thread very sad and in this respect at least, am very glad to live where I live. A friend of mine lived and worked in the UK some years ago. She had been with the same organisation a few years and while she was there, her father died in Ireland. When she came back to work after the funeral not one person asked how it had gone or how she was and that was it for her, she couldn't live in a place where at a very difficult time in her life, she got less than nothing from her colleagues. There will no doubt be some here thinking, well what did she expect. And that is precisely why she left

Make sure you send an email round naming the three members of staff who are attending

And saying that there's still plenty of space for others who really wanted to go

@theleafandnotthetree good for your friend.

she couldn't live in a place where at a very difficult time in her life, she got less than nothing from her colleagues.

then she made the right choice. I personally prefer a more "business-orientated" environment where you get on well with people, but superficially enough not to be drowning into gossips, personal drama and you keep your life private. I find the opposite suffocating. I also like London for the freedom of it.

So I really cannot blame people who don't want to be involved in their free time and don't mix private and work life.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I think in fairness it honestly could be logistical. Half term requires childcare and some people might have booked holidays.

So basically, happy to attend in term time instead of working, creating childcare issues for parents but not happy to attend in their free time and if it causes them childcare issues. They seem so genuine...

All I can think of is the poor family who will read the list of attendees and think that their family member was not valued at school.
When my DD died (young adult with severe disabilities) at least 10 members of staff came to the funeral from the local primary school where I volunteer 1/2 day a week. DD didn't ever go to that school - DS did but had left 9 years earlier. The funeral was in the school holidays - 3 days before Christmas - so childcare issues and being generally busy getting ready for Christmas applied. Most of the staff had probably only met DD once or twice many years before at school fairs. I was astounded and touched by their attendance and support. They went because they wanted to. If your colleagues cared they'd make the effort.

YANBU. Seen it happen time and time again. People are selfish and only wanted the day off. If you want to do something, you make it happen.

They just can’t be arsed now because essentially they aren’t being paid to be there.

OrangePowder
If I remember from up thread you're a small organisation, so what we're looking at is 10 people, of which some have been quite vocal and others have (to a greater or lesser degree) expressed some disappointment.
I understand why you're disappointed in the very vocal ones, especially the ones who've been unprofessional in their emails, but to put it in perspective over half your staff aren't being unreasonable.

Another thing to add to Mumsnet bingo - the second a funeral is mentioned, Irish people swarm in to declare that they are the superior grievers.

As an Irish person, it is v embarrassing.

YABU OP and quite cruel to say that "work was all she had".

10? That is a small school it's about 20

Not my words Rachel, she said it herself often

@RachelGreep87

Another thing to add to Mumsnet bingo - the second a funeral is mentioned, Irish people swarm in to declare that they are the superior grievers.

As an Irish person, it is v embarrassing.

YABU OP and quite cruel to say that "work was all she had".

Sorry to embarrass you, but I would say the vast majority of Irish people feel as I do. It is not about being the superior grievers, is about metaphorically wrapping our arms around a situation, about saying 'I see you', about valuing, respecting and marking a person's passing. And it extends beyond funerals to a wider sense of community and connection and being there for people outside of our close circle and when it doesn't suit us. I'm sorry if you find those things lame or not worth highlighting or sharing.

10? That is a small school it's about 20
I know, a small school of 20 and you said around half expressed disappointment.
So this is all from the actions of 10 people, who've ranged from expressing disappointment through to unprofessional emails.

Which means that the other half of the staff body have nothing to do with it. It's a far cry from everyone wanting the school closed.

I'm not excusing people who've been unpleasant and unprofessional because there is no excuse. Equally, it's not entirely unreasonable to think that out of 10 people many will have prior commitments, might be going on holiday in half term, might have their own children and no childcare.

@RachelGreep87 I'm sorry you find it very embarrassing to have an Irish person describe what is a very different cultural approach to death, ritual, funeral and ultimately community.

I made a personal observation that having experienced both ways of dealing with grief, on balance I prefer the Irish way.

Yanbu. I can't believe those demanding school be closed aren't making the effort to attend.

It seems like they were trying to get a day out of class and dont care enough to use their own time. Awful.

@Sally872

Yanbu. I can't believe those demanding school be closed aren't making the effort to attend.

It seems like they were trying to get a day out of class and dont care enough to use their own time. Awful.

For goodness sake ! Its HALF TERM and we are just out of lockdown! People are probably going away or to see relatives. I havent seen mine for 11 months so I can see why they cant attend. Some people just love being disappointed all the time rather than realistic and seeing it from all sides.

@LolaSmiles

This doesn't surprise me with work colleagues. We may think they are friends but 9 times out of 10 it is all fake I don't think it's fake. I think some people confuse being friendly with being friends. I get on with my colleagues and enjoy socials with them when we socialise as a group, and within that group I'd consider them work friends and colleagues I get on with/am friendly with. Then there's people I work/ed with who I have a distinct friendship with independent of work socials. Our partners know each other, we socialise 1-1, we are in touch even when one of us changes job.

Yes. You can have colleagues who are genuine friends who you see out of work, but you can also have colleagues who you don't see out of work, but who still mean something to you. How can you speak to someone every day and not care at all when they die (unless you really didn't get along)? I would feel uncomfortable going to the funeral of a colleague I only knew to nod at, but someone I knew well, who was in my team or who I talked to often, of course I'd go, even if I'd planned to go and see relatives that day.

Gwenhwyfar
I agree with you, but wouldn't necessarily equate not attending a funeral with not caring.

This half term is the first time I'll see some of my family in almost a year. To attend a colleague's funeral I would have to cancel my trip, meaning DC don't get to see their family either. I wouldn't put a colleague's funeral before my children seeing their family for the first time in almost a year. I think some people are forgetting that this half term isn't like any other half term.

Tbh if my funeral was in half term I'd want people to spend their time with family & doing things.

And not pretending they cared about me.

@templetreebreeze

I would understand people not managing due to half term. But in this case it is hypocritical for them to push for a school closure yet not important enough to change their family plans or find childcare. (For some it may be impossible but for must just inconvenient).

I don't think they are wrong to not attend. But I think they have shown they weren't that bothered so should never have been suggesting a school closure.

'Tbh if my funeral was in half term I'd want people to spend their time with family & doing things'

Very noble but the point is these colleagues jumped on the grief bandwagon demanded the school was closed so they could go, once it transpired school would indeed be shut as it was half term they suddenly weren't quite as grief stricken.

Yanbu

My condolences. Cancer is heartbreaking.

I do feel that you sound a bit over invested though. You’re colleagues. Some of you may have been closer to her than others - it’s completely understandable that some of the team won’t attend her funeral. I mean, I would expect about 3 colleagues to attend my own funeral. I’m not friends with everyone and I understand that I’m only friendly with some people because we work together. I do think the funeral should be a celebration of her life with those who were close to her. Not everyone you work with needs to attend.

I understand your point OP.

Sometimes the huge out pouring at the beginning gets watered down as the weeks go on and people suddenly disappear or it becomes inconvenient.