Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep over worker's hygiene

169 replies

expat101 · 27/05/2021 22:55

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

OP posts:
Elouera · 27/05/2021 23:00

Why can't you say something to him yourself??? Its your home!

'Hi Billie, would you mind bringing your own toiletries, soap, toothpaste etc. I know you might use something different from us, but you are welcome to leave things here if you like?'

Yummymummy2020 · 27/05/2021 23:01

Are there any occasions coming up that you could disguise it as a gift??? Or could you be sneaky and pretend dh got a set say as an unwanted gift and pass it to him? It’s a tricky one but I can understand why you would want him to have his own things! In saying that, I would just leave cheap toothpaste in the bathroom and soap assuming you can afford to as they can be replaced pretty cheaply from the pound shop. Of course though you shouldn’t have to I do agree with that but it also takes the having to do anything bit out of it. I wouldn’t want him using the hand soap if it’s a block one in the shower though that’s a bit gross if it goes back for peoples hands after him ha ha.

Golightly133 · 27/05/2021 23:01

I would Buy some shower gel and a toothbrush and paste x leave them in his room on the towel.

tobedtoMNandfart · 27/05/2021 23:02

But it's just soap? He's 19. I mean is it really worth falling out over?

Working together and living together is already a bit much without someone trying to micromanage which room he spends his leisure time in, how often he washes, which toothpaste. You're not his mum!

Palavah · 27/05/2021 23:03

Can you just ask him - would you like me to add some toiletries for you onto our supermarket shop and then take them off your wages?

At 19 he's probably just being a bit clueless if these things are communal/bought for him at home.

Palavah · 27/05/2021 23:03

By all means phrase it as 'to start you off' if you don't want to be making a habit of it.

DrManhattan · 27/05/2021 23:05

Just spend a £1 on some shower gel for him. Then find something else to moan about

1Morewineplease · 27/05/2021 23:05

An interesting set up though it's none of my business.
He's young. Did you make him aware that he needs to provide his own toiletries? Did you just welcome him into your home? ( in which case he'd be entitled to use your own stuff.)
What is your home /business set up? You've actually mentioned sharing with another business.
Your boarding/business arrangements sound blurred... does he also work for this other business? Are you offering proper board an lodgings or a ' just fit in with us' kind of arrangement?

WrongWayApricot · 27/05/2021 23:05

I don't think it would be embarrassing to give him a toiletry bag as long as there's not a big fuss about it. 'I was in town today and picked you up a few bits for you to use while you're here.' Maybe put a bar of soap in, he might prefer it. It's not unreasonable to expect him to bring his own but I'd be embarrassed at 19 if someone talked to me about it. The little toiletry bag is a polite hint imo. If he still doesn't make use of it then talking to him would be my next step.

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2021 23:05

It wouldnt bother me that he uses the soap in bathroom. I'd just buy him a bar soap, own brand shampoo and tube toothpaste and a toothbrush then leave them on his bed.

Rubyupbeat · 27/05/2021 23:08

Why not just have a tube of toothpaste in the bathroom for him to use, same as soap, use a liquid hand soap, then it doesn't matter. Bars of soap are unhygienic anyway.
It wouldn't bother me one bit if he was using our toiletries.

Nancylovesthecock · 27/05/2021 23:08

It's you that's confusing the boundaries here, not him.

You let him live with you, you do his washing, let him help himself to food and want to pick at him using some soap Nd some toothpaste?

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2021 23:08

Or just say that we each use our own toiletries so got you some while I was getting ours. You treat him like one of the family so dont see the issue

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2021 23:09

Btw I always use bars of soap as liquid soap makes me sweat and smell.more

Jayceewhy · 27/05/2021 23:11

I agree with others the boundaries are being blurred a bit as you do his laundry but then don’t expect him to use toiletries.

Just pick up a couple of Poundland toothpaste and soaps if you’re happy for him to help himself to food etc it’s hardly much on top.

misspattylacosta · 27/05/2021 23:15

Not sure why you are happy to share laundry and everything but you have a problem with soap?

Just leave a bar of soap for him in the shower and some toothpaste.

Don't leave out your own stuff if you don't want him to touch it (which is absolutely fair enough), but just make sure the basics are there. Isn't that what you would do for any guest?

LawnFever · 27/05/2021 23:15

Why can’t he use your toothpaste but he can help himself to food in the fridge?

Seems a bit confused to me, if I was staying at someone house I’d expect I could use the toothpaste that was in the bathroom

IliveonCoffee · 27/05/2021 23:16

The key part of your post says he's treated no different to family members. Do you buy individual soaps for everyone else?

While he is a grown man, and should probably provide his own soap, you seem to be blurring the lines with what you are / aren't expecting - you're doing his washing, and he has pick of the fridge, plus towels, but seemingly drawing the line at a £5 worth of basic soap, squishy, toothbrush and some toothpaste.

Leave it in the bathroom, tell him he might as well have a set for your house (and just skim over the fact he's not actually carting anything to/from).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/05/2021 23:17

I’m with the others, buy him his own stuff and be matter of fact about it.

“Hey I know what it’s like to be living between two places here’s some stuff I picked up while I was getting stuff for the family” we’re not big on sharing toiletries here”

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/05/2021 23:18

@IliveonCoffee

The key part of your post says he's treated no different to family members. Do you buy individual soaps for everyone else?

While he is a grown man, and should probably provide his own soap, you seem to be blurring the lines with what you are / aren't expecting - you're doing his washing, and he has pick of the fridge, plus towels, but seemingly drawing the line at a £5 worth of basic soap, squishy, toothbrush and some toothpaste.

Leave it in the bathroom, tell him he might as well have a set for your house (and just skim over the fact he's not actually carting anything to/from).

To be fair, I wouldn’t classify a toothbrush with the rest 🤢
Waterfallgirl · 27/05/2021 23:20

He’s a young person, away from home , staying in his employers house. I would cut him some slack - as if it were my DS I know he would be a bit nervous / apprehensive in this set up ( first job away from home etc)

Bvop · 27/05/2021 23:20

What saltines said. Just give him a toiletries bag to keep for when he stays with you, and there’s no drama or embarrassment

Waterfallgirl · 27/05/2021 23:21

.... and I’d buy him some toiletries for the bathroom!

Lipz · 27/05/2021 23:22

Tbf the whole set up sounds very weird, why is he in your bedroom? Why are you doing his washing? Why have you a practical stranger staying with you, your dh only knows distant relatives? So many why's...

If you are going to have him stay you need to set down some rules. I'd have my bedroom off limits, he brings his own toiletries, he washes his own clothes, tell him he can leave things there, if you're happy with that, maybe a drawer somewhere he can use. are you giving him a full bedroom to use? If so can he leave things there?

grandiflora · 27/05/2021 23:24

It does seem a bit incongruous that you are going above and beyond offering him to stay, to do his laundry and let him help himself to family food but you are objecting to him using the toiletries. As others have said you should make the situation clear and gently explain that he needs to have his own.

Swipe left for the next trending thread