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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep over worker's hygiene

169 replies

expat101 · 27/05/2021 22:55

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

OP posts:
SaturdayRocks · 28/05/2021 08:47

‘Lived with his Mum too long’. Grin

Jeez. He’s 19.

I moved away to uni at 18 and never really moved back. But come on 19 is not ‘too long’.

PigletJohn · 28/05/2021 08:50

What age do you think a person should learn to buy toothpaste? And operate a washing machine?

JackANackAnoreeee · 28/05/2021 08:52

@PigletJohn

What age do you think a person should learn to buy toothpaste? And operate a washing machine?
I'm sure he knows how to do these things but he's in someone else's house and that person has offered to do them for him. If OP's already feeding him I don't see how a bar of soap and a bit of toothpaste makes any difference. Guests usually use a bit of our toothpaste when they visit anyway.
dentydown · 28/05/2021 08:55

I’d visit Wilkinson and get supplies and a sponge bag and present it to him in the guise of “just to save you having to lug all those toiletries with you”

You might have to sponge bag /box family hygiene supplies as well.

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 28/05/2021 08:58

"I noticed the soap you've been using as run out, I bought you another hand over 50p bar of soap. I also picked you up some toothpaste and a couple of new brushes, hope you don't mind!"

Job done

ravenmum · 28/05/2021 08:58

Interesting that so many people are saying you can't tell him to bring his own toiletries, and should buy him some. Now wondering if I'm really rude, as I'd just say "Oh, I see you don't use the liquid soap, why is that?" and then if he says it gives him a rash or smells too girly or he's trying not to use plastic, I'd say "Best thing is probably if you bring your own toiletries, I'll clear a shelf by the window for you". Would that be awkward/rude? I'd think of that as quite friendly, making space for him - am I a weirdo?

RattlesnakesUnfold · 28/05/2021 09:02

Age 19 when I stayed with friends we all used each other’s toothpaste, soap, shower gel, shampoo etc. It saved lugging our own in a rucksack. Not hygienic looking back but then we were used to student halls!

You could use covid as a reason for everyone having their own products. Put a basket next to his towel with a bar of soap, bottle of shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush, whatever else he’s borrowing etc.

Can you put your own products away in a drawer or bathroom storage? If they’re scattered about or in the shower itself he probably thinks they’re communal.

burritofan · 28/05/2021 09:02

He's lived with his mum too long
Parents. He’s been living with his parents. Mum and Dad. Both parents are responsible for teaching him about buying his own soap, or buying it for him, or whatever system worked in their house. I swear this thread is from an alt universe where only mums exist.

RattlesnakesUnfold · 28/05/2021 09:07

I'd say "Best thing is probably if you bring your own toiletries, I'll clear a shelf by the window for you". Would that be awkward/rude? I'd think of that as quite friendly, making space for him - am I a weirdo?

Depends on your tone I guess. And if he’s the sensitive sort of teenager who would be embarrassed. I think providing a few fragrance-free products like soap, shower gel, cheap toothpaste etc is more hospitable than saying bring your own. Especially as she’s doing his laundry, he’s probably confused where the boundaries are.

Aprilx · 28/05/2021 09:10

I think you are being very weird OP. It is odd to have a young employee that you do not appear to know that well come to live with you in the first place.

Then you say he is treated like a family member but make snippy comments about his “plan coverage” which sound like you are suggesting he is being cheeky by using your Wi-fi, even though you have led him to believe he should treat the place like home.

At 19 he has possibly never purchased his own toothpaste and soap before and uses whatever is in the family bathroom, which he appears to be doing here considering he has been led to believe he should make himself at home. I find it bizarre that you wash his pants but have hidden the toothpaste because you notice he uses it.

I don’t think there is any need for thinly veiled hints about him having his own soap and toothpaste. Your boundaries are so skewed anyway, just buy a bar of soap and toothpaste and leave them in the bathroom.

PaperbackRider · 28/05/2021 09:11

Soap is like, 40p. You can get a 4 pack of toothbrushes in Poundland. Cheap toothpaste can’t be more than a pound. Can you not afford that? You do his laundry, let him use your bedroom to make calls, feed him. Why is THIS the line in the sand?

Oh good answer...."you're already doing far too much for him, just do some fucking more!"
HE can afford it. Hes an adult man who has to be told to wash, ffs. Telling OP to buy his bloody shower gel as well....get a hold of yourselves!

Streamside · 28/05/2021 09:15

Does he have to share a family bathroom.If so, that's really grim especially if your children use the same one.

saraclara · 28/05/2021 09:16

@PigletJohn

He's lived with his mum too long and hasn't grasped what it means to be an adult.

If he was living in a bedsit or a shared house, not with an auntie, none of this would be acceptable.

Somebody needs to do him a favour and tell him.

He's 19. How is that "too long"? You'd have a point if he was 39
MaxNormal · 28/05/2021 09:20

The easiest is just buy a toiletries bag with the essentials and leave it with his towel. He's probably just not realised he needs to bring his own stuff so I doubt it would be awkward, he'll probably just merrily use them.

TokyoSushi · 28/05/2021 09:27

This all sounds like a very odd setup but I'll leave that to one side. Not RTFT but the boundaries sound very blurred, on one hand, you say you're doing his laundry, he can help himself from the fridge and making phone calls from your bedroom, but on the other hand, you're annoyed that he's using the soap.

For the cost of dome shower gel ad toothpaste (maybe about £3 in total), I'd just buy him some and leave it in his room.

Deadringer · 28/05/2021 09:29

@Streamside

Does he have to share a family bathroom.If so, that's really grim especially if your children use the same one.
Why is it grim, unless you think he has the plague? We have had unrelated young people staying with us over the years and i never gave any of this stuff a second thought. Either supply soap or ask him to bring his own, nothing could be simpler. I can see why you might want him to use his own soap i don't see the issue with him using the toothpaste?
CorvusPurpureus · 28/05/2021 09:30

Get a basket/box to shove in the bathroom or designate a shelf. Then say:

'Hi X, I found the hand soap in the shower the other day? I really don't want it left going squishy in there, especially what with covid so it's even more important everyone washes their hands every time they use the bathroom. So I've grabbed some separate bar soap for the shower, & I've stocked up with toothpaste whilst I was at it - they're in the 'help yourself' basket in the bathroom.

I didn't know what brands you like, so if you'd rather buy your own next time please do! Otherwise the stuff for anyone to use is in the basket - everything else is things one of the family have bought for their personal use'.

Or you could just tell him to sort himself out a wash bag, but I think if you're washing his clothes etc & generally treating him as family, that would be an odd hill to die on.

cupoftea2021 · 28/05/2021 09:32

@Golightly133

I would Buy some shower gel and a toothbrush and paste x leave them in his room on the towel.
Yes Or ask hey could you bring your own. Other than that he seems well adjusted and behaved.. luckily Or bulk buy.
Acupofcamus · 28/05/2021 09:35

I’d personally buy him a bag of toiletries and ask him to bring it with him whenever he stays or just leave it at yours. Problem solved.

RampantIvy · 28/05/2021 10:05

I wouldn't bother with shower gel as he clearly prefers to use a bar of soap.
Soap is cheaper, it lasts longer and is better for the environment.

Livpool · 28/05/2021 10:06

Why can't he use your soap and toothpaste? It isn't like he is using your toothbrush

HaveringWavering · 28/05/2021 10:19

@RampantIvy

I wouldn't bother with shower gel as he clearly prefers to use a bar of soap. Soap is cheaper, it lasts longer and is better for the environment.
But sounds like no soap dish in the shower and it just gets squashed on the floor. You can’t take a wet bar if soap into the bedroom. A shower gel with a hook would be better.
C152 · 28/05/2021 10:21

Hmmm...on the one hand, you say he's treated no differently to a member of the family when he stays with you, but on the other, you don't want to share toothpaste with him. Personally, I would expect an adult to bring a toiletry bag with them when they stay at someone else's place, but perhaps he hasn't thought about this. If sharing soap etc bothers you, just buy him one of those toiletry bag gift sets from the supermarket and say you thought it would be nice if he had something of his own for when he stays over. You don't have to go into any more explanations than that, or be embarrassed. I doubt he'll be embarrased by you giving him that and, if he is, he might think about what he needs to bring next time he stays at someone else's house!

HunkyPunk · 28/05/2021 11:16

Buy one of these. Put in soap + soap dish, 2in1 shower gel/shampoo, toothpaste and tooth brush. Put in bathroom. Say to him "You weren't to know, but dd uses expensive toiletries which we leave for her, so thought this might be handy for your stuff. Feel free to use what's in there already." Smile

Sleep over worker's hygiene
mainsfed · 28/05/2021 11:24

@PaperbackRider

Soap is like, 40p. You can get a 4 pack of toothbrushes in Poundland. Cheap toothpaste can’t be more than a pound. Can you not afford that? You do his laundry, let him use your bedroom to make calls, feed him. Why is THIS the line in the sand?

Oh good answer...."you're already doing far too much for him, just do some fucking more!"
HE can afford it. Hes an adult man who has to be told to wash, ffs. Telling OP to buy his bloody shower gel as well....get a hold of yourselves!

It's ridiculous, isn't it? OP is rightly annoyed at someone who earns a good wage and stays with OP free of charge and yet who won't even bring basic hygiene supplies like soap, and who disrespects OP's home by leaving soap squashed on the floor with his pubic hair in it, and yet OP is berated by many for not just doing more to help him.