Sleep over worker's hygiene

[expat101]

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

@Acupofcamus

I’d personally buy him a bag of toiletries and ask him to bring it with him whenever he stays or just leave it at yours. Problem solved.

Yes women, if you have a problem with a man, use your money and your time to solve it so that he has to do nothing! It's your job.

WTF is wrong with most of you?

For me it wouldn't be a 'doing more for him' thing, it would be a 'which is less mental load for me' thing.

I'd rather chuck some generic basics in with the supermarket shop someone in the household is doing anyway, & leave them in the bathroom & breezily point them out, than have an awkward conversation about wash bags.

My view may be coloured by the fact that with 3 teenagers, it's a rare weekend night that there isn't some random youth crashing somewhere about the house, not to mention endless sibling bickering about the nice toiletries they've bought themselves being 'borrowed' by each other & each other's mates.

Basket or shelf of cheap soap, shampoo, toothpaste, disposable toothbrushes, shower gel etc in every bathroom in the house. If something isn't for communal use, keep it in your bedroom or expect it to disappear.

Everyone's happy & I don't have to worry about soggy soap.

It's just the least hassle solution IMO.

Yeah. the women doing shit for the men usually is the least hassle...for them

@PaperbackRider

Yeah. the women doing shit for the men usually is the least hassle...for them

Not in my house - there's 4 of us who are all perfectly capable of doing a household shop!

This week it's 16yo ds's turn, & he's off to the mall this afternoon.

Cinema & a burger with the girlfriend, then he's going round the supermarket to stock us all up for the week. Including basic household items like soap!

Then why are you telling OP to do tge grunt work for an unrelated man she already does too much for, when you don't yourself? That's even worse.

If you’re prepared to buy him toiletries, what’s different about him using yours? I’m struggling to see how using a bit of soap and toothpaste is an issue. I probably wouldn’t even notice.

He's staying in your house, eating your food and using your WiFi. Why the hell are you so bothered about a bit of soap and toothpaste?

@PaperbackRider

Then why are you telling OP to do tge grunt work for an unrelated man she already does too much for, when you don't yourself? That's even worse.

I'm not, if you read my earlier post - I said whoever is doing the shopping.

It's not my assumption that that particular chore devolves in OP, who I believe has a dh & an adult dd.

Tbh, if this lad's a regular overnight guest/family friend I'd be discussing the possibility that he might like to help out too.

I appreciate that different households do things differently, but for me, soap & other basic toiletries are a household expense, & shopping for the household is a shared responsibility.

He's not part of the household though. You seem to have entirely missed the point. He's not family, he's a free loading dope and none of OP's family has to buy his bloody soap!

Yeah, & I'd be looking to sort that out tbh - I wouldn't be doing his laundry for a start.

He's either a household member (mucks in with chores) or a guest (bathroom basics are provided for guest use).

Nothing wrong with the alternative solution of telling him to sort his own stuff. But personally, I just find it easier to have an ample supply of soap etc as part of the household shop so anyone staying overnight is provided for.

Mostly because I'm quite averse your grunt work, actually - so I've always made sure that grunt work =/= mumwork.

I find it really weird that you're doing his laundry. Surely now he's moved away from parents this is the time he learns to look after himself as an adult. You're basically acting as mum. He needs to learn these skills for himself. I'm amazed he's not embarrassed at his boss's wife washing his dirty pants.

I can't speak for others but the reason I suggested OP buy a toiletries bag and a few basics to start him off is because not everyone is happy being direct and given OP has decided to act like his mum I thought OP would be more comfortable framing it like that.

If it was me I'd have said he can stay with us it's eg £10 a day and he'll get included in the family evening meal, theres cornflakes and milk for breakfast, other food he needs to buy for himself and he can feel free to buy a mini fridge for his room (his expense).

I'd say, oh I see you haven't brought a suitcase? Here's a black sack for your smelly clothes ready for you to take home to wash. If I was going to a hotel for a week I wouldn't expect them to wash my clothes so I don't know why OP thinks she has to wash his.

I'd say all the working people in this house buy their own toiletries so he needs to do the same, here's your shelf in the bathroom. Or if there's no spare shelf ask him to provide his own basket/ toiletries bag.

@hotclothbuns

On the topic. I agree with pp's the boundaries aren't clear. You've brought him into your home even though he's only supposed to be working in your business, and you do his laundry, however he's expected to bring his own soap but you haven't told him that. Not sure how much he would get the 'hints' though and might just prefer being told outright but it's for you to judge how it would be best to get that message across depending on the relationship.

I think this is right.

I learnt the hard way that in home sharing situations like this clear boundaries and rules are crucial. Everyone needs to know where they stand.

As an example:

years ago I lived with my aunty and family. After three weeks the bed wasn't changed. I was very immature and shy at that point and worried about doing the wrong thing. I had no problem changing my own and sticking them in the wash but I worried this might not be the right thing.

I then planned a time when I knew the house would be empty for just enough hours for me to take off the sheets, put them in the washer, dry them and put them back on the bed.

All good . . . until a few days later my aunty said 'I've just changed your sheets.' I should have kept quiet but I admitted I already changed them. She shrugged and tutted and wasn't best pleased!

This sort of thing happened all the time over the 9 months I was there. We had previously enjoyed a good relationship but it ruined it forever.

Setting it all out at the start would have made everyone happier.

@Nancylovesthecock

It's you that's confusing the boundaries here, not him.

You let him live with you, you do his washing, let him help himself to food and want to pick at him using some soap Nd some toothpaste?

I agree with this. And @nancylovesthecock your username made me giggle!

I would let him use the stuff everyone else does but he does need his own toothbrush. It wouldn't cost you very much. I appreciate you are already putting him up.

When my DS had friends staying over lots years ago they always just used what was there.

@PaperbackRider

He's not part of the household though. You seem to have entirely missed the point. He's not family, he's a free loading dope and none of OP's family has to buy his bloody soap!

The problem is, OP has told this man he is part of the family. Goodness knows why, but that's what she's done. Now she's left dealing with a stinky, selfish, lazy teenager who isn't actually hers. Probably because he's taken the "part of the family" thing literally.

OP I'd have taken it as a generic welcoming phrase, sorted out my own toiletries, bought the occasional bag of communal food and cleaning products/soap etc from the shop without being asked, offered to cook for everyone once a week, done my own washing or taken it home and done a bit of cleaning on the sly when people are out/busy, hedging my bets so as to a) do my share without anyone having to ask me but b) not cause offense by possiby making my hosts think their home is so dirty I felt I had to clean it. But then I was never an entitled teenager, I was self sufficient and considerate.

Why is OP getting such a hard time here?! Sounds similar to the set up we have with our au pair, she is part of the family, can help herself to food and shares the bathroom with the kids.

But like any other working adult she is expected to buy her own toiletries. We do not have communal toiletries.

What we do which might work well is we have small wicker/seagrass baskets on the bathroom shelves, one for our au pair and one for the kids. And when she arrived I said, feel free to use this for your toiletries. I put in some mini travel toiletries to get her started.

She also buys her own treats/snack food like popcorn or doughnuts if she wants stuff I wouldn't normally buy, because she is a working adult who is also part of our family, and the two aren't mutually exclusive. My DSis and I did the same once we were in sixth form but living at home, bought our own toiletries and extra snacks.

But there are basic level toiletries that surely the whole family (or users of that bathroom) share - like toothpaste, hand soap/gel and shower gel?

It seems ridiculous for each family member to have their own one of these.

Certainly when we had au pairs, we didn’t expect them to provide their own of these.

Of course, shampoo, conditioner, face wash etc, is a different matter and you provide your own.

[quote Italiangreyhound]Staffy1

"How can a bar of soap be unhygienic? It's soap, it kills germs."

[][/quote]

Yes, I remember that!