Sleep over worker's hygiene

[expat101]

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

Bloody hell, I cannot believe some of these answers! What a pile of shit!

OP you are being incredibly kind having this young lad to stay. All I will say is it is your home and in your shoes I would make it very clear what is expected. I certainly would not want him in my bedroom. I would not want him to be using the bar of hand soap in the shower, if that is what he is doing (bit unclear).

Anyway, it's up to you, buy him some toiletries if you want but it just means one more than you are responsible for for him.

I'd politely ask your DH to tell him he needs to supply toiletries. I would not care if he knew it had come from you or not.

I think your having him to stay in your house is a big deal, completely different to having a child's school friend stay for a night.

I'd love to know how many people here who think you are making a fuss have ever had someone stay in their home as lodger for any length of time!

OP do what suits you, it is your home.

Staffy1

"How can a bar of soap be unhygienic? It's soap, it kills germs."

[]

Soap is like, 40p. You can get a 4 pack of toothbrushes in Poundland. Cheap toothpaste can’t be more than a pound. Can you not afford that? You do his laundry, let him use your bedroom to make calls, feed him. Why is THIS the line in the sand?

This is such a weird thread

It's weird everyone thinks she owes him soap and toothpaste on top of everything else!

I don't understand why your daughters toothpaste was taken out because it was being used. Surely everyone uses the same tube of toothpaste
Actually my DC use different ones because they are fussy. But I use whichever one I fancy and visitors could do the same.
I don't like people using my bar of soap though. I know it's still hygienic. But the thought of using soap my teens have rubbed over their sweaty pits and bits... no thanks. They use shower gel though so my soap is left alone.

If I stay with someone usually I'd assume I wouldn't have to bring my own soap/shower gel and toothpaste. Can't you buy some communal ones?

Admittedly I always ask which ones are ok to use. He might be shy to ask that's why he used a bar soap as unlikely to be a big deal.

@goshthatsawful

Soap is like, 40p. You can get a 4 pack of toothbrushes in Poundland. Cheap toothpaste can’t be more than a pound. Can you not afford that? You do his laundry, let him use your bedroom to make calls, feed him. Why is THIS the line in the sand?

This is such a weird thread

This!

Draw some boundaries OP. You're sort of NBU but this situation is your fault for not having boundaries, which means YABU. The lad's not psychic.

#1 No more using you bedroom, if his phone doesn't work elsewhere he either changes contract to a network with coverage or uses a payphone/phones home from work in his break, if he can't survive a week without family contact.

#2 How have to ended up doing his washing?! He's 19 FFS, a adult. He should be doing his own washing. Show him how to use the washer and put a linen basket in his bedroom.

#3 Not sure how you've ended up feeding him either. Is this a construction industry thing, this staying over? Most employers would be charging for accommodation. Are you the employer, it's not clear? If you're not then he's a part time lodger so perhaps charge him a day rate? Because this situation is obviously inconveniencing you so you should be getting something in return.

#4 Buy him basic toiletries and tell him everyone has their own in your family, he's welcome to leave his toiletry bag at your place and here's some stuff to start him off.

Just get him a small toiletry bag with the basics in it. bar soap, shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant.

You'd think one of his parents would have taught him about traveling for work but sadly, too many of them are useless at teaching their children how to be independent and navigate life.

I would just get a 2 or 4 pack of bar soap for him, and a little dish for it to go in, and a little bag for other things. I would just say, this is for you to put your own stuff in whenever you stay here. Simple really, no need to stress about anything.

Sounds like more wife work shit!

OP, you don't need to buy this man 40p soap or £1 shower gel. He is 19 yo!

Tell your husband that he needs to tell this man to sort his shit out or he can't stay any more.

This man has a very good deal staying with you free of charge, he needs to not take the piss!

People telling you to 'just do this' or 'just do that' are making his hygiene your responsibility.

Sorry, but I also think you a being a bit bonkers over soap, surely it's not that hard to add a bar to the shopping along with a spare toothbrush and toothpaste.

Whenever my cousin stays with my parents, she always uses my mum's toiletries which drives my mum crazy as she buys quite expensive special shampoo, so my mum bought a generic set for guests. my cousin is in her forties, by the way.

You don’t need to have a conversation with him, just leave extra toiletries in the bathroom for his sole use, but don’t tell him they are for his sole use so he will think they are for everyone. Problem solved.

Then sometime later if you want, just casually say ‘X can you bring your own toiletries from now on. We haven’t minded that you’ve used ours so far, but I think it will be better if you bring your own because it’s more convenient to keep our stuff separate’

No embarrassment caused.

I agree it all sounds a bit odd, more like your Nephew staying over than a complete stranger.

Do people usually bring toiletry bags to other people's houses when they stay? I've never had a guest do this. If it bothers you that much just don't buy block soap or keep it in your room. Can he really not use your toothpaste?!

Let's be honest, any 'gift' of these items is gonna seem a bit... Passive aggressive? Like, you're making a point that he can't use yours, instead of just removing what you don't want used from your bathroom.

I can't see the problem here TBH.

@Lipz

Tbf the whole set up sounds very weird, why is he in your bedroom? Why are you doing his washing? Why have you a practical stranger staying with you, your dh only knows distant relatives? So many why's...

If you are going to have him stay you need to set down some rules. I'd have my bedroom off limits, he brings his own toiletries, he washes his own clothes, tell him he can leave things there, if you're happy with that, maybe a drawer somewhere he can use. are you giving him a full bedroom to use? If so can he leave things there?

Thanks for your replies. I think I might go down the track of buying a bathroom bag and putting bits and pieces in it. I have missed his birthday but I could always make an excuse and say it was a belated present...

Some explanations to points raised.

Spare room in our house. I worded that incorrectly, but definitely not our bedroom.

Our working family members buy their own speciality shampoo/conditioners and whatever else they like to leave in the bathroom. So I think it's fair to expect they should be able to find them as they were when they return.

In not being his mum, I don't think I should be subsidizing the cost of his hygiene/cleanliness when he earns a good wage. He pays board when staying elsewhere which we do not expect as it was our offer.

I have just found the last bit of the old soap squashed into the floor waste. Argh teen men! Parallels with teen DD's hair, but at least we are related. (if that makes sense).

DD's liquid soap is on offer (as per my first post) and hasn't been touched.

Where I live bar soap during COVID has been promoted as the type of soap to use to break any contact and I have to say I really don't like liquid soap, as I don't feel clean after using it.

He might not either, that's ok, but I'm not keen on someone else's curlies on what was soap that belonged to us.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm clearer now as to what to do.

In my experience it's very unusual for family members to purchase their own toiletries. Usually a couple of bottles of shampoo/conditioner/toothpaste for the family to share. Around his age, I had a friend whose mum made her buy her own toiletries. We all thought it was very cruel and just... Bizarre! So he probably doesn't realise toilerties are a huge deal in your house.

I do think its v odd that you do his washing though. Id never wash a teenage boys smelly old socks, let alone one who needed to be reminded to shower!

Here's a thing - you can talk to him. The kid is 19.

He's working. He can bring his own toiletries. He probably doesn't know as you haven't told him.

as to why this is 'an issue' - talking helps lots of things.

Yes, ask him to bring some, but I would just buy stuff for him, and tell him that’s for his use. So much easier. 19 year old male, is oblivious to most things

Don’t buy him a toiletry bag and give it to him and definitely don’t give it to him as a present, this will be highly embarrassing for him which you said you wanted to avoid.

He will think you’re trying to tell him he stinks.

Just buy extra if you must, or raise it with him in a non embarrassing way.

YANBU (although I think it's a little bit odd just how much the soap thing seems to bother you!)

Just talk to him surely? I don't understand why it is cringey or embarrassing for you to tell him to bring his own toiletries when he stays with you.

19 year old male, is oblivious to most things

And this is how it begins, the expectation that women will sort this shit for men.

OP, don't start buying toiletries for him, it's the first step to doing everything for him.

I think if several adults are sharing the bathroom, then it's fine to ask him to bring his own toiletries bag as everyone has their own stuff. It's really not a big deal. I think this would be a better approach than buying him stuff. As you say, he's an adult, he can get his own stuff. If he hasn't lived away from home before, he probably just didn't realise it was a thing.

He’s not a mind-reader - he doesn’t realise that kitchen and laundry goods and services are all inclusive. But bathroom is out, and he’s fully responsible.

Why would he know that? Why wouldn’t he expect to use whatever shower gel, hand soap and toothpaste is already there, like any other family member using the facilities?

If you do want him to supply his own, it’s just a simple matter of a perfunctory chat, outlining expectations. It doesn’t need to be a drama.

We used to have au pairs. Young people living away from home for the first time, with another family whose rituals they’re not familiar with, definitely do need some things explained to them, and that’s OK.

Just be friendly and helpful.

I’m not sure the issue- or why you took your DD toothpaste away when he was using it? Would you rather he didn’t brush his teeth? I would just buy him his own soap and toothpaste etc and just leave it in the bathroom. You need to get over it you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Just get him a wash bag with toiletries - and tell him you’ve been meaning to to that. It’s not a big deal and I can’t see why it would embarrass him. As PP says you can say it’s to start him off if you want him to pick it up after this.

He sounds v young for his age so I think some social direction is fine.

He isn’t playing his games in your bedroom is he?!