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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep over worker's hygiene

169 replies

expat101 · 27/05/2021 22:55

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

OP posts:
rjacksmiss · 27/05/2021 23:25

@DrManhattan

Just spend a £1 on some shower gel for him. Then find something else to moan about
😂
Staffy1 · 27/05/2021 23:44

Just buy a bar of soap and leave some toothpaste accessible in the bathroom as well. They don't cost a fortune, so why not just do that and then there doesn't have to be any awkward conversation.

Wiredforsound · 27/05/2021 23:46

He might not realise he’s supposed to. It might not be something his family do or know he should be doing. He’s not doing this out of malice and probably not even out of thoughtlessness - he’s just probably never been taught to. If he’s treated like one of the family just get him a bar of soap and leave a toothbrush and toothpaste in the bathroom for him to use. You can buy the lot for £3 in Tesco or similar.

Staffy1 · 27/05/2021 23:48

@Rubyupbeat

Why not just have a tube of toothpaste in the bathroom for him to use, same as soap, use a liquid hand soap, then it doesn't matter. Bars of soap are unhygienic anyway. It wouldn't bother me one bit if he was using our toiletries.
How can a bar of soap be unhygienic? It's soap, it kills germs.
Prosperhigh · 27/05/2021 23:57

Aldi sell a 4 pack of soap for 59p. I couldn’t get angry about that

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/05/2021 23:59

I find it a bit of a strange dynamic if you pretty much treat him as one of the family, cooking his meals, doing his washing, he sleeps at your house...in all ways other than the sharing of soap and toothpaste, for which you want to treat him as a visitor

Haffiana · 28/05/2021 00:00

Are you one of those weirdos who are afraid they will catch germs from a bar of SOAP?

One of those weirdos who thinks SOAP is UNHYGIENIC??

I would suggest educating yourself. You can catch phobias off the internet - some on this thread already have a bad infection.

FeatheredHope · 28/05/2021 00:02

How do you know he doesn’t have a toiletries bag with a toothbrush in it? I probably wouldn’t leave mine sitting in a bathroom that wasn’t mine...

HaveringWavering · 28/05/2021 00:05

I thought you were going to be complaining he was dirty or smelly but as far as I can tell it’s just that he is using your soap? Though you also suggest he isn’t cleaning his teeth because you (bizarrely) removed the toothpaste from the bathroom when he used it?

This makes no sense- on the one hand you seem content with a setup that blurs work and home boundaries by sharing your home with an employee and doing his washing. On the other hand you won’t just suck up the cost of some soap and a tube of toothpaste- such a minor thing!

Just buy him some toiletries. The cost is minimal.

HaveringWavering · 28/05/2021 00:07

Hold on- “his/our bedroom”? Surely he doesn’t sleep in the same room as you?

Pepsimirror · 28/05/2021 00:11

Go to Poundland and just buy him all the cheap shower gels and toiletries. Not a big deal Hmm

HunkyPunk · 28/05/2021 00:14

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used

Unbelievable!! Is he allowed to use your toilet roll? He probably doesn't know what he's meant to be doing, if you allow him free rein in the kitchen, but block his use of toiletries! I would expect someone staying in my house to use the soap and toothpaste I (and most people) leave in the bathroom. (I also keep couple of spare toothbrushes, generous host that I am Grin)

Fromneverland · 28/05/2021 00:24

Shower gel is like a quid.
Just buy him some

saraclara · 28/05/2021 00:31

I can't get my head round this. I couldn't care less if a visitor uses our soap. If someone visiting for a few hours uses your toilet and then washes their hands using your soap, do you freak out?

It's so odd that he gets to help himself from your fridge and use your bedroom, yet he can't use the soap.

Also why does he have to shower after work?

EmeraldShamrock · 28/05/2021 00:32

Remove all the body wash from the bathroom teach him a lesson, on a serious note I'd buy a small travel set for him and have a word about bringing his own in future.
I'd be horrified with someone using my bar of soap and since reading it on mumsnet my toothpaste is off limits unless you live here.

Wishingwell75 · 28/05/2021 00:33

I really hope the OP comes back to shed some light on the bedroom timeshare situation....... it's probably something like he uses the phone in their bedroom to speak to his mum. But every single night???

Maybe something got very lost in translation on the first day he arrived and now this very young nineteen year old who doesn't know to bring his own shower gel thinks he has to hang out in his boss's bedroom after work?
I need clarification OP! 😁

But on the toiletries subject, I agree with all the other pp who say just buy him some basics, but don't continue to do so, you're doing so much for him anyway!

HaveringWavering · 28/05/2021 00:36

@saraclara

I can't get my head round this. I couldn't care less if a visitor uses our soap. If someone visiting for a few hours uses your toilet and then washes their hands using your soap, do you freak out?

It's so odd that he gets to help himself from your fridge and use your bedroom, yet he can't use the soap.

Also why does he have to shower after work?

Presumably the showering after work is because he works in construction and comes home really dusty/dirty.
saraclara · 28/05/2021 00:41

Ah. Missed the construction bit of the OP

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/05/2021 00:59

It could be that at his own cleanliness wasn't a taught priority
Or they didn't bother about toiletries
I've counselled loads of teens that had nothing at home or their parents
Didn't give a stuff

I used to take in extras in to the school and discreetly hand them out
Ide spend a couple of quid and quietly give them to him
He might come and thank you and tell you what's what

Siepie · 28/05/2021 01:17

Having you wash his smalls seems a lot more intimate than sharing shower gel or toothpaste. If nobody tells him you’re unhappy, how is he supposed to know that toiletries are the one thing you don’t want to share?

RosaBudDrood · 28/05/2021 01:17

This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh

Good grief ...

Just get the lad some £1 shower gel.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/05/2021 01:23

The concern over the soap when he can help himself to anything from the fridge seems weird to me. But it's your house and your soap, so it is up to you. It sounds like you're being pretty generous to him letting him stay so he should be prepared to jump through a couple of hoops and certainly to provide the things you don't want to.

But why all the angst about it? If you don't want him using your soap, just tell him.

"Hey X, Could you bring your own soap, toothpaste etc. from next week please?"

What the hell with even thinking it would somehow be better to tell his family they need to tell him. How could that possibly be less embarrassing than directly telling him what you need him to do in a pleasant way?

LovelyLaura62 · 28/05/2021 01:25

This reply has been deleted

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Providora · 28/05/2021 01:30

I agree it's confusing - to us, and no doubt to him - when you call him a 'sleep over worker' but then go on to say he's 'treated no different to family members'.

Pick a side!

Midcenturymodmum · 28/05/2021 02:00

OP get a grip in the nicest possible way . I keep spare toothbrushes, paste , soap and shower gel in the house ,just in case my older children's friends stay over. Just make the lad a wee bag up . It's not a big deal . He will remember it when he is a proper workie .