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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep over worker's hygiene

169 replies

expat101 · 27/05/2021 22:55

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

OP posts:
mum11970 · 28/05/2021 07:26

He uses your soap and toothpaste so you’ve hidden them! I swear I must live in a parallel universe to half of MN sometimes. What on earth is wrong with this? Just buy a cheap shower gel and toothpaste, stick them in the bathroom and give your head a wobble.

sunlight81 · 28/05/2021 07:28

Toothbrush paste and soup would cost u no more than £3 ... for the sake of £3 I would buy him some and gift it to him for when he is at ur house. Problem solved, no over thinking, no little chats!!

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 28/05/2021 07:29

One thing that would piss me off is using the soap and leaving it on the shower floor, but otherwise he would be welcome to use it.

NewlyGranny · 28/05/2021 07:31

Family member took in a lodger when she bought her first place (one bathroom). He had to go when she found one of his pubic hairs on her bar of soap in the shower. 🤢

Your DH should tackle it and just tell him he's sharing a bathroom but needs to bring his own toiletries.

woolysock · 28/05/2021 07:33

Sorry have only read OP but this has reminded me of a flat mate (work colleague helping him out) many moons ago using my big block of Clinique face soap in the shower to wash himself!! 😬😬

Jangle33 · 28/05/2021 07:40

I cannot get my head round this.

He’s an adult. Is he paying you rent?

Why on earth would you possibly buy him a toiletries bag?

What ground rules did you set with him?

Feelinghothothottoday · 28/05/2021 07:41

My son is 19 and surprisingly they can still be very young. I’m assuming you mean he stays in his room playing games - that is perfectly normal - he is not going to sit in your lounge with you.

Get a pack of cheap soap, a soap dish and some tooth paste.

Fcuk38 · 28/05/2021 07:47

Do you wash his pants but he can’t use the soap? Weird. I’d have more problem with washing his skids.

Forestdweller11 · 28/05/2021 07:52

I'd get him a wash bag and explain to him as others have suggested. As a family we have separate toothbrushes and toothpaste. Liquid soap for the sink for all and then our own individual bar soap/shower gel for the shower. I would expect a guest to provide/use their own. I do have spare to give them.

hotclothbuns · 28/05/2021 07:54

Completely missing the point, but I didn't even know you could get Clinique face soap. Going to check it out!

Confusedandshaken · 28/05/2021 07:59

Don't be shy OP. Just tell him nicely but firmly (just as you would to your own child)

  1. can you shower and change your clothes when you get in because your bedclothes are a pain to wash otherwise.

  2. I've left some toiletries for you to use. Please don't leave them lying around the bathroom.

People are saying he is a grown man and should know this stuff without being told but if it wasn't required in his own home how is he supposed to know that it's required in OPs house?

And just to add to the debate. Plain bar soap is perfectly hygienic and the packaging is more environmentally friendly than plastic shower gel bottles. Normal soap doesn't kill germs the way a disenfectant or antibacterial shower gel kills them but it does wash them off your body and down the drain into the sewage system. I used to use shower gels until I read on MN that bar soap is better at keeping BO at bay and I'm delighted to say I've found that to be true.

hotclothbuns · 28/05/2021 07:59

On the topic. I agree with pp's the boundaries aren't clear. You've brought him into your home even though he's only supposed to be working in your business, and you do his laundry, however he's expected to bring his own soap but you haven't told him that. Not sure how much he would get the 'hints' though and might just prefer being told outright but it's for you to judge how it would be best to get that message across depending on the relationship.

RedcurrantPuff · 28/05/2021 08:06

Bars of soap are unhygienic anyway.

Eh?

Since when?

We use bars as plastic bottles are terrible for the environment

Nomorepies · 28/05/2021 08:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/05/2021 08:11

Offer him a drawer or basket that he could use to leave his stuff in. I would probably start it off for him with some toothpaste shower gel/soap.

YellowFish12 · 28/05/2021 08:24

I'd just get him his own toothpaste and shower gel and shampoo - will cost you £3. You're already hosting him, just do this to avoid awkwardness. Say "oh hun, I picked you up some toiletries for you to use whilst you're here - they are in the Tesco bag on your bed. Please use those. Thanks"

RattlesnakesUnfold · 28/05/2021 08:29

Guest basket with a few essential toiletries? Many adult guests IME forget things so I wouldn’t expect a teenager to remember to bring soap. In our guest basket there’s: unopened toothbrushes, dental floss, mini toothpaste, unisex deodorant spray, soaps, mini shower gel, shampoo, conditioner and all purpose moisturiser, make up remover wipes etc.

If he gets through it all and asks for more just ask if he’d mind replacing the contents? Or ask him to bring his own toiletry bag?

Beautiful3 · 28/05/2021 08:30

He's a young person away from home. I'd buy a cheap bar of soap, shower gel, toothpaste and tooth brush. Put it in a small toiletry bag in the room he sleeps, and say thats for you, to keep and use while you're here.

PigletJohn · 28/05/2021 08:30

He's lived with his mum too long and hasn't grasped what it means to be an adult.

If he was living in a bedsit or a shared house, not with an auntie, none of this would be acceptable.

Somebody needs to do him a favour and tell him.

cooldarkroom · 28/05/2021 08:32

You are doing him a favour. Tell him nicely that you have noticed he is using your family toiletries, he needs to supply his own soap, shampoo & tooth brush/paste, its simple hygiene.
Why is he playing video games in YOUR bedroom ? No, just NO

HighlandCowbag · 28/05/2021 08:37

I'd just ask 'hey, going shopping tomorrow, what toiletries do you prefer? Dd buys her own, will pick some up to start you off, but when you are running low, pick some up for yourself as I won't be monitoring soap/toothpaste etc'.

Doesn't make it an issue but makes it clear it's his responsibility.

oakleaffy · 28/05/2021 08:37

@mum11970

He uses your soap and toothpaste so you’ve hidden them! I swear I must live in a parallel universe to half of MN sometimes. What on earth is wrong with this? Just buy a cheap shower gel and toothpaste, stick them in the bathroom and give your head a wobble.
This. Soap and toothpaste is not expensive.
oakleaffy · 28/05/2021 08:39

@cooldarkroom

You are doing him a favour. Tell him nicely that you have noticed he is using your family toiletries, he needs to supply his own soap, shampoo & tooth brush/paste, its simple hygiene. Why is he playing video games in YOUR bedroom ? No, just NO
I thought it meant that OP owned the house, therefore not ''His''? room.
HaveringWavering · 28/05/2021 08:39

Do you live in a country where soap and toothpaste are weirdly expensive?!

Couchbettato · 28/05/2021 08:44

@PigletJohn

He's lived with his mum too long and hasn't grasped what it means to be an adult.

If he was living in a bedsit or a shared house, not with an auntie, none of this would be acceptable.

Somebody needs to do him a favour and tell him.

He's lived with his mum too long? He's 19.

Do you think every one should get turfed out for real life experience on the day of their 18th birthday, with little but a knapsack on a stick.