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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep over worker's hygiene

169 replies

expat101 · 27/05/2021 22:55

Earlier this year we took on a 19yo as a construction apprentice.

Some of his family are known to DH although not the immediate parents in this case.

To help him not travel so much (parents live some distance away) he comes and stays with us, sometimes for one night as we co-share with another business, other times it might be a full working week.

He can help himself to whatever is in the fridge, has full access to the internet, and is treated no different to family members. He puts his washing in the laundry which is done when I do ours.

There is a nagging issue that I'm getting peeved over and the main one is the use of our bath soap and his personal hygiene.

DH had to have a chat with him to have a shower before going to lie down after work (he plays online games with his new mobile, the plan of which apparently doesn't have coverage in our area and his mum calls him up several times in the evening, all of which is done in his/our bedroom over the internet). He comes out when one of us tells him it's dinner time.

However, my main peeve is he doesn't bring a toiletry bag with him when staying over.

I have liquid soap in the shower as that is what our DD prefers, but he has been using a small remaining sliver of block soap. This morning I see the hand basin one has been taken from its block dock and is on the floor in the shower.... argh.

I have no idea what he is doing for toothpaste as DD's was taken out when it was noted that was being used.

So am I being unreasonable to expect he should bring his own toiletries? Not towels as I put a fresh one out for him before he arrives, but personal hygiene products.

Secondly, I thought the solution might be if I buy him a toiletry bag with various items to get him started (and hint) but worry that for a 19 yo male, having the boss's wife do this might cause embarrassment.

If I ask DH to have another word, everyone is going to know it's come from me. Again potential cringe moment for him.

I could ask DH to have a word with the family member we know, but that person is already pretty harsh on him at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

OP posts:
linerforlife · 28/05/2021 06:25

Yeah seriously he's 19. Just spend £5 on toothbrush, toothpaste, a bar of soap and a 2in1 shampoo and a shower caddy from the pound shop and leave it out for him?

SnarkyBag · 28/05/2021 06:28

@Nancylovesthecock

It's you that's confusing the boundaries here, not him.

You let him live with you, you do his washing, let him help himself to food and want to pick at him using some soap Nd some toothpaste?

This
romdowa · 28/05/2021 06:28

You can pick up toiletries so cheap , why not just pick him up a few bits , it would be 5 pounds at most and just pop them in his room. He is probably a bit clueless at 19. Oh and don't take it out of his wages. He is an apprentice

SD1978 · 28/05/2021 06:30

Given you provide absolutely everything for the LD including food and wifi with no restrictions, I can't imagine this even registers to him. Either you tell him to start bringing a wash bag, or you give him one. Given you provide everything else for him, I doubt he'll care if you provide this too.

JackANackAnoreeee · 28/05/2021 06:31

It's just soap and toothpaste! Surely you can just buy a block of soap and keep it in the shower for him to use and also an extra tube of toothpaste.

Holly60 · 28/05/2021 06:31

@Golightly133

I would Buy some shower gel and a toothbrush and paste x leave them in his room on the towel.
This is exactly what I would do too. I don’t think he will be offended in the slightest. He sounds like a young 19 year old who doesn’t understand guest vs lodger etiquette yet. I’m surprised his own mum hasn’t sorted it for him or at least suggested he sort it for himself…. It sounds like being a bit independent when he comes to you will do him good.
pilates · 28/05/2021 06:36

You sound like you’re taking over the role of his mother.

I wouldn’t want to share a bar of soap with a stranger.

Just be honest and say sorry we don’t mind sharing a lot of things but not the soap.

burritofan · 28/05/2021 06:39

I’m surprised his own mum hasn’t sorted it for him

and

You sound like you’re taking over the role of his mother.

Fucking hell, dads do exist too.

Still1nLove · 28/05/2021 06:48

With future guests, clarify the house rules first. They must bring their own toiletries and you will provide towels. Not sure about doing their laundry, I wouldn’t want anyone else doing my laundry.

ticktockriojaoclock · 28/05/2021 06:52

This is really such a tiny thing to angst over. Maybe you're not cut out for sharing your home with a near-stranger. And that's totally OK!

Maddox33 · 28/05/2021 06:54

I'm surprised by this - we have a main family bathroom and our own ensuite (not a stealth brag). The main bathroom is always well stocked with soap, showergel, toothpaste, new toothbrushes, deodorant - I have kids who have friends to stay over at a moment's notice, and a large extended family who tend to drop in for a day or so - or they did, pre-pandemic. I wouldn't begrudge anyone the use of our toiletries.

If he was washing with your exquisite, handmade, very expensive soap and using your toothbrush then I could understand your dismay.

Flowerclock · 28/05/2021 06:56

@Nancylovesthecock

It's you that's confusing the boundaries here, not him.

You let him live with you, you do his washing, let him help himself to food and want to pick at him using some soap Nd some toothpaste?

This.

Just let the poor lad live there like a family member or not.

Marmite27 · 28/05/2021 07:01

Just say ‘please don’t use the sink soap in the shower’.

That and the absence of toothpaste should prompt him to sort himself out.

I don’t know why there’s all the hand wringing and suggestions of kitting him out with a toiletries bag.

RampantIvy · 28/05/2021 07:05

Bars of soap are unhygienic anyway

What a ridiculous comment @Rubyupbeat. Of course they aren’t Hmm

Do people usually bring toiletry bags to other people's houses when they stay?
I've never had a guest do this.

Of course they do @JemimaJoy. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. You have weird family/friends. Do they just bring a toothbrush or expect you to provide one for them? As we don't live near family, and our friends are scattered we have had loads of overnight visitors over the years, and everyone brings a toilet bag with them. I provide soap anyway, so I wouldn't expect someone to bring their own soap, but I would expect them to have their own toothbrush, skincare, shampoo etc.

Soap is much better than shower gel for washing. It doesn’t leave a film and is better at cleaning pits and bits. It is also better for the environment. I have never liked shower gel, and we use bars of soap everywhere except in the kitchen and the downstairs loo.

listsandbudgets · 28/05/2021 07:06

At least he washes, it could be a lot worse.

My concern would be to wonder whose toothbrush he's using. I hope he at least brings 9ne of those along.

BillyIsMyBunny · 28/05/2021 07:08

When I go and stay with my Mum I don’t bring my own toiletries. Whilst there I would also be able to help myself to food, put my clothes in the laundry basket to be washed etc. I can’t think of a household where I would feel able to help myself to food/ Internet and even have the host do my laundry where I would also bring my only toiletries. I think your house rules of everyone buys their own toiletries, whilst not unreasonable, are unusual if everything else is communal.

Just buy some cheap communal toothpaste, bar soap and shower gel that you can place in the bathroom he uses so he can help himself. I wouldn’t try and disguise them as a gift or put them in a wash bag, especially as he may then take them home and forget to bring them next time. Just have them in the bathroom available to him and problem solved.

Sillawithans · 28/05/2021 07:13

This all sounds a bit weird to me.
Why can't he use the toothpaste?
Stop having a word with your husband to have a word with him, just do it yourself. Is your husband actually having a word, I know I wouldn't.

eandz13 · 28/05/2021 07:13

Just make it airy, be like 'hi guest, grabbed you some shower gel and stuff while I was out, just realised you probably won't want to wash with the soap DH washes his balls with, grabbed you a couple other bits while I was there' problem solved, no offence taken and he will also feel a bit obliged to use it rather than the soap bar since you've bought it for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

BellaVita · 28/05/2021 07:16

I think you are being rather harsh.

SaturdayRocks · 28/05/2021 07:18

Do people usually bring toiletry bags to other people's houses when they stay?
I've never had a guest do this.

OMG I didn’t see this - of course they do! I’m sure people staying with you do, too.

Everyone does - it’s absolutely the norm!

Everyone always has and brings their own unique supplies. Not least, their own toothbrush. Confused

SaturdayRocks · 28/05/2021 07:19

Please don’t talk about your husband’s balls to the poor bloke.

burritofan · 28/05/2021 07:21

just realised you probably won't want to wash with the soap DH washes his balls with,

I love Mumsnet fantasy dialogue

Hollywolly1 · 28/05/2021 07:22

Very strange to have just brought a 19yr old man into your home like that, it can't really work to be honest 😕.
You do his laundry and everything, seems wrong on every level and you are being very unfair to your family and yourself

WalkingMeAway · 28/05/2021 07:24

@DrManhattan

Just spend a £1 on some shower gel for him. Then find something else to moan about
This HTH Smile
listsandbudgets · 28/05/2021 07:24

Just tell him at breakfast you're picking up some shopping today and does he have a preference for toothpaste, shower gel etc.

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