Husband wants me to earn £1k per week

[MariaMackee]

DH and I both work for ourselves but have very different jobs. He owns a business and works long hours as you’d expect being a business owner.

I work part time providing a specialist service to clients (nothing untoward) and am paid by the hour. I currently bring home about £750 per week.

Because he works long hours I do the majority of the household chores which includes all laundry, food shopping and cooking. He does all the recycling, bins and maintains the garden. We also have two teenagers who are pretty good and self sufficient.

We are reasonably comfortable financially, but DH says we need to make as much money as possible so we can retire earlier and not have worry about money. I see his point but I am happy as I am and would have to do at least 5 more hours a week to make £1k.

It’s causing a bit of friction and I feel pressured, he says another 5 hours is not much, but I already feel exhausted with running the home and quite like having some time to myself.

AIBU or should I increase my hours to keep the peace?

I would say I earn 50k (that’s on my contract) but I bring home £750 a wk, that’s net- but fully appreciate not everyone speaks or thinks that way

@Iwonder08

You work less than a half of normal working hours and as you say have very self-sufficient teenagers. All these people mentioning house chores.. It really doesn't take 20 hours per week unless you are cleaning a Palace. I am with your husband, you are just too comfortable, especially if you are planning to share early retirement

I agree with this!

I can see where he's coming from to be honest. You say he works exceptionally long hours and you work less than 20 - there's no way I'd expect my DH to pitch in with housework etc if he's working 40+ hours a week and I'm doing less than half of that. And there's certainly no way I'd get a cleaner if I worked 25 hours a week!
I appreciate you say your job is exhausting but I'm sure I'm not speaking for myself when I say that lots of us work full time jobs and then do all the housework too.
Tbh I'm not surprised you're happy with the current arrangement, but if he's working hard for the end goal of an early retirement for you both, an extra 5 hours a week is not that much - you're still working part time!

@MariaMackee

I would employ a cleaner but he doesn’t like people in our house touching our stuff!

I currently work less than twenty hours but also my job is seasonal and I work in specialist education area in a school environment so even though my hourly rate is well paid I can only work during school terms. I do bits and pieces in the school holidays but don’t earn anywhere near what I do during term time.

He’s also always taking the piss (in a friendly way but it annoys me) because I only actually work 9 months of the year (taking out all the school holidays and sometimes I am not required in the last week of term).

He also refuses to cook anything saying it’s not part of his skill set. But I keep seeing that he does actually work far more hours all year around only completely relaxing on Christmas Day so then I feel a bit bad.

Well I'd tell him if this is what he wants he has six months to pull his socks up. In those six months you want to see him cook half the meals, do half the laundry, half the cleaning, etc. You could maybe do it on a week on/week off rota to make sure there's no confusion at the end of it. If at the end of six months you're happy he's pulling his weight with household stuff you will increase your hours.

This is due to him not allowing any outside help such as cleaners.

Otherwise tell him to fuck off.

He doesn't get to dictate everything. "not his skill set" my fucking arse. Why is he getting away with this? What if you decided it wasn't your skill set either? Stop cooking for him!

@L123A

Given you seemingly only work 15 hours a week increasing that to 20 is hardly a big ask.

It’s a big ask if the additional financial fruits of her labour are only for his benefit though.

If OP doesn’t want to retire on the date he’s decided, then where’s the benefit to her of working a third more hours again?

Ignoring progressive taxation rates, if she works 15 hours x 39 weeks, that’s 585 hours a year.

If she worked for one year longer than he wants her too, that extra 585 hours would cover 3 years of “missed” 20 hour weeks instead of 15 hour weeks.

Maybe she’d rather work 15 hours for 4 years, than 20 hours for 3.

Or, she could work 15 hours now, but do 5 hours a week in semi retirement.

It would help if the OP said what her view is on early retirement.

It’s not about whether 5 hours is much to work... it isn’t. Whatever OP says about chores, two self sufficient teens and a 9 month 15 hour week is a walk in the park. Of course she could do an extra 5 hours.

The question is - why would she, if it’s not to her benefit? What are her goals?

Now if she wants to retire early and live only the money he has worked more hours than she has to accumulate - then he has a point!!

I'm considering the same thing myself. Upping my hours and hiring a cleaner. I'm on a similar rate as you and I would earn £60 per hour gross and a cleaner would cost £15 per hour net. After tax I reckon I'll get £40 per hour so I will still earn £25 per hour.

I reckon it's worth it. Plus I enjoy my job much more than cleaning. And it takes me more than 4 hours to clean as I'm really inefficient.

Why should you, if you're contributing to the household. You're certainly earning plenty as it is. Dreams for the future need to be shared dreams, whether they benefit you or not-meaning that any benefit you get from his dream is of no use of you are sacrificing more than you want to right now.

The impression I get is that the OP would be happy working full time but doesn't want to do that and still be saddled with all the housework and laundry. I see her point!

You get for 5 hours what I get in a week and I do all the additional housework you mention plus run a small craft business and work every night so if I had the option of earning that much more for just 5 hours a week, of course I would!

Eg. cooking from scratch 1hr per day = 7hrs
Laundry and ironing for 4 = 4hrs
Cleaning/hoovering - could be 1hr per day if you run a particularly clean household = 7hrs
Shopping = 2hrs

1h a day to cook? Even from scratch, ridiculous
Laundry and ironing? You go to be kidding. Teenagers can do theirs. Hubby can do his ironing if required. 1 hour if that
Cleaning? Again, teenagers can contribute.
Shopping? Get it delivered.

The way sahm or those working few hours inflate these supposed duties really amazes me. My OH and I must be superheroes to manage it all both working ft!

I would employ a cleaner but he doesn’t like people in our house touching our stuff! .. He also refuses to cook anything saying it’s not part of his skill set.

He sounds like a twat rather difficult person. Anyone can acquire a basic skill if they think it is worthwhile. It's not worthwhile for him to spend the time but it's good enough for you, eh? How about you decide you don't like touching his stuff?

his plan is to hand over the business to our eldest son to run over the next few years

And your eldest son is fine to fit in with this? You know, your husband does sound controlling, everyone has to fit in with his plans for the future. Tell him you don't have the same priorities and plans as he does for balancing the present and future. And take the flak. Otherwise you have a lifetime of "keeping the peace" ahead of you. And it will get worse when he has retired and has no outlet for his energies except for the time he spends with you.

Well I'd tell him if this is what he wants he has six months to pull his socks up. In those six months you want to see him cook half the meals, do half the laundry, half the cleaning, etc. You could maybe do it on a week on/week off rota to make sure there's no confusion at the end of it. If at the end of six months you're happy he's pulling his weight with household stuff you will increase your hours
Of course, that’s with OP working the same hours, oh and let’s not forget doing the gardening for 1/2 the time. Somehow I don’t think that would suit OP too well!

Silly comment @vivainsomnia

It is perfectly possible to spend that long on those things. Just because you don't, doesn't mean other people don't.

The impression I get is that the OP would be happy working full time but doesn't want to do that and still be saddled with all the housework and laundry. I see her point!
And my impression is that OP loves all the time and freedom she gets and exaggerate how much she spends on chores to justify keeping it this way.

Either could be correct.

* All these people saying OP doesn't force her OH to work long hours - if he didn't they wouldn't have the lifestyle she enjoys?? If he didn't then she couldn't doss about only working 20h a week 9 months of the year. The only reason she is able to only work 20h a week is BECAUSE he works a lot to support the family.*

^This, this, this.

I think for your own benefit it would make sense to work more hours during term time, as you have school holiday times off.
But I think that you both probably need to have a discussion regarding retirement and pensions, as if his income is going to be what keeps you both when you retire, then I think it is fair that you contribute more financially while you can - especially as there are no childcare concerns.

It is perfectly possible to spend that long on those things
The point is if you do, it’s a choice.

I’m constantly amazed at how many husbands boss their wives around, or try to.

Does it have to be more hours? Can you increase
your hourly rate instead, especially if you haven't done so for a while.

@Juno231
The op hasn't yet told us the pertinent points of how much her dh brings home, and whether that funds their lifestyle.
Maybe he's in nmw and it's the op funding it.
Or maybe he earns millions, and the op is out buying diamonds and drinking champagne all the time.

Do you actually have equal leisure time when you are completely off duty and not doing the mental load?

Is he a workaholic that can't accept you don't need the kudos of work and feeling in disposable?

Can you do the same work on a private basis outside school hours?

You seem to be making a big palaver over 5 hours.

@vivainsomnia

*Eg. cooking from scratch 1hr per day = 7hrs Laundry and ironing for 4 = 4hrs Cleaning/hoovering - could be 1hr per day if you run a particularly clean household = 7hrs Shopping = 2hrs*

1h a day to cook? Even from scratch, ridiculous
Laundry and ironing? You go to be kidding. Teenagers can do theirs. Hubby can do his ironing if required. 1 hour if that
Cleaning? Again, teenagers can contribute.
Shopping? Get it delivered.

The way sahm or those working few hours inflate these supposed duties really amazes me. My OH and I must be superheroes to manage it all both working ft!

Well no. You probably do those hours on top of your full time work. That's great if you're happy to do that. Feel free to tell me where you'd cut the hours of course. And in any case, what's happening here is the common scenario where there seems to be no recognition at all of the housework hours. If the DH wants to ignore the housework hours then he should he doing half of them. Then he can talk about OP working longer hours or earning more (though sounds to me like she's earning a pretty decent wage already).

Another thread which would have such another response the other way round.

I work 50 hours a week and Im exhausted but I have to to pay towards my and husband pension. I would like to retire earlier as Im not sure still be able to do my job at 60. At the moment, we don’t have enough saved to do so.

My husband works 15 hours a week during term time only. We have two teenagers who are self sufficient. My husband cooks, does most of the cleaning but I do all the gardening and diy which takes a large chunk of my weekends.

I calculated that if my husband increased his hours to 20 a week, we could retire comfortably in 5 years time, but he is refusing and calling me controlling. He thinks that working 15 hours is more than enough. I’m so tired though working those long hours and the prospect of having to do so for another 10 years is depressing me.