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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants me to earn £1k per week

352 replies

MariaMackee · 27/05/2021 13:40

DH and I both work for ourselves but have very different jobs. He owns a business and works long hours as you’d expect being a business owner.

I work part time providing a specialist service to clients (nothing untoward) and am paid by the hour. I currently bring home about £750 per week.

Because he works long hours I do the majority of the household chores which includes all laundry, food shopping and cooking. He does all the recycling, bins and maintains the garden. We also have two teenagers who are pretty good and self sufficient.

We are reasonably comfortable financially, but DH says we need to make as much money as possible so we can retire earlier and not have worry about money. I see his point but I am happy as I am and would have to do at least 5 more hours a week to make £1k.

It’s causing a bit of friction and I feel pressured, he says another 5 hours is not much, but I already feel exhausted with running the home and quite like having some time to myself.

AIBU or should I increase my hours to keep the peace?

OP posts:
IgglePiggleHater · 27/05/2021 14:32

It sounds like you pull your weight. You fund yourself and do most of the household stuff. Just because you've lucked out and have a set-up where you can earn a lot for relatively few working hours doesn't mean you're lazy or "too comfortable". You've achieved the dream Wink. Isn't this what we would all aim for if we could?

That said, I can promise you that your life would be even dreamier (and you could keep your husband happy, which may or may not be a priority) if you outsourced the housework to a cleaner and did the 5 extra hours a week. The joy I feel after slinking out of the house on a Friday afternoon and coming home to a glass of wine in a spotless and scrubbed house (and not done by me!) is indescribable.

Offer him a trade. Extra hours for cleaner. Otherwise, no deal.

RowanAlong · 27/05/2021 14:33

I’d do a bit extra if you can (though he doesn’t decide how much extra) and pay for a cleaner with it (he doesn’t get to decide no, if you are paying for one). Then you get a bit extra money in term time, the bonus of having to do less cleaning, and he feels you’re pulling your weight.

the80sweregreat · 27/05/2021 14:33

He doesn't want a cleaner , but happy for you to do it and work and earn more too?
I'd be furious if it were me!

DishingOutDone · 27/05/2021 14:33

You seem to have a good work life balance, he works longer hours so you pick up most of the chores, you are not hard up, it seems you have a good arrangement that works both ways? I am freelance and in theory I can earn similar amounts but the stress would be off the scale and then I would struggle to cope with housework etc (also I have a teenager with additional needs so there's a lot of personal care involved).

I think you will get a lot of advice based on you having said you have a high wage and have said DH "works long hours". These two phrases alone will send a lot of the AIBU crowd into a frenzy of indignation ... Hmm

Cocomarine · 27/05/2021 14:34

Is the eldest child - only a teenager - fully onboard with taking over this business?

bigbaggyeyes · 27/05/2021 14:34

He also refuses to cook anything saying it’s not part of his skill set

Fucking hell this really gave me the rage!

Tell him it's not in YOUR skill set to work another 5 hours

Or you could tell him that you'll do an hour extra a day, but he has to cook and clean an hour a day

Wimpeyspread · 27/05/2021 14:35

@BumBurnerBum

I received an email from work this week notifying all staff the sad news that a gentleman who retired last month was recently killed in an accident.

The now matters. What you plan for retirement may not work out.

This! My husband was self employed, had lots of plans for retiring early and travelling. He died suddenly at 44. Enjoy your life
arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2021 14:36

I think this depends on the following - do you bring in enough to cover your own lifestyle choices?
Or is he having to work loads of hours to fund a lifestyle you both want, to make up for your part time hours?
I think if it's the latter, he has a point.

vivainsomnia · 27/05/2021 14:36

Well you clearly have it really good compare to him.

A couple of hours of housework compared to long hours working, I know which one I’d pick.

What’s your arrangement for saving for your pension. Are you saving as much as him? Would you be ok with him retiring early whilst you continue to work so you can contribute 50% towards the living costs?

Snog · 27/05/2021 14:36

Why not do some retirement planning with a financial adviser?
This might change your views on how much you need to be earning now, or not.

I definitely wouldn't let DH dictate how many hours I work though.

the80sweregreat · 27/05/2021 14:37

You more than pull your weight op. He won't comprise with you , but happy to say ' you only do this or that ' or ' earn more money' etc!
He Sounds a bit of an abusive soul.
Did he help you with any of the child rearing involved? ( I bet he didn't do much?)

L123A · 27/05/2021 14:37

Given you seemingly only work 15 hours a week increasing that to 20 is hardly a big ask.

JediGnot · 27/05/2021 14:38

@Naunet

I see, so it very much sounds like:
  1. He wants a modern woman who can bring a good wage into the house
  2. He also wants an old fashioned woman who will do all the household jobs
  3. He wants to retire early and have that financially supported by a woman who will still be working part time

What’s the bet that once retired, and you still work part time, the cleaning will still be your job?

I think that is very unfair. Well, it could be spot on, but it could also be the case that -

(1) He is delighted to have an intelligent capable wife who could be independent if she wanted to be
(2) He is delighted to have an intelligent capable wife who is also willing and able to undertake a big chunk of the domestic chores to enable (3)
(3) He is willing to work his absolute arse off to provide for his family, and believes that the quid pro quo for him working so damn hard is that the family will pull together to help ensure that you can retire a little early.

He shouldn't be pressuring, he is not handling it in the best way... but on the other hand it seems like he's pretty much saying to OP... "I am working my backside off here. I know you're working hard too (work and family) but either we reduce our lifestyle and early retirement plans, or you reduce your hobby time (I get no hobby time!) and work a little more."

Definately · 27/05/2021 14:39

You're working half a working week and only during term time, I'm sure you could stretch yourself to an extra 5 hours a week. You never know what's round the corner - might be worth making hay while the sun shines.

Juno231 · 27/05/2021 14:40

All these people saying OP doesn't force her OH to work long hours - if he didn't they wouldn't have the lifestyle she enjoys?? If he didn't then she couldn't doss about only working 20h a week 9 months of the year. The only reason she is able to only work 20h a week is BECAUSE he works a lot to support the family.

He's not exactly asking you to up it to full time or to pick up a second job is he? Why should you be able to enjoy your hobbies and casual life at the expense of his hard work? It just smells of entitlement to me.

vivainsomnia · 27/05/2021 14:40

Enjoy your life
It works both ways. I’d hate to spend the possibly 30 last years of my life poor in retirement, seeing all my friends going on nice holidays, have fun in their clubs, affording to travel to visits their kids who’ve moved further away etc... because I decided to have it easy earlier in life.

dreamingbohemian · 27/05/2021 14:40

Well if he's working long hours every day except Christmas, and you're working 15 hrs/week with long holidays, there is quite an imbalance going on. And your kids are older now.

I would understand you not wanting to go from PT to FT but going from 15 to 20 hours/week, for 9 months of the year, still leaves you loads of time for hobbies.

I don't think he should pressure you but if he's much closer to retirement of course he's going to be thinking about it.

Juno231 · 27/05/2021 14:41

PS If the roles were reversed and your OH refused to work more than 15-20h/week 9 months per year then MN would be having a field day

Definately · 27/05/2021 14:41

Oh but if you do, get a cleaner. Just tell him it's happening, obviously he doesn't want to do it, neither do you but you can afford it so it's happening.

Livpool · 27/05/2021 14:41

I think your YAB a bit U. 15 hours per week term time isn't much at all - so I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to work an extra 5 hours a week.
That still leaves lots of time for his noes.

Your DH definitely needs to start learning to cook though! And do some more jobs in the house

timeisnotaline · 27/05/2021 14:42

@Juno231

All these people saying OP doesn't force her OH to work long hours - if he didn't they wouldn't have the lifestyle she enjoys?? If he didn't then she couldn't doss about only working 20h a week 9 months of the year. The only reason she is able to only work 20h a week is BECAUSE he works a lot to support the family.

He's not exactly asking you to up it to full time or to pick up a second job is he? Why should you be able to enjoy your hobbies and casual life at the expense of his hard work? It just smells of entitlement to me.

Hmm. there’s no question I’d do more hours and be better at my job without children. All the men I know would be doing the same - they would not work less hours or in a lower pressure job because they didn’t have a family, but the opposite.
77kidsandcounting · 27/05/2021 14:42

Im not being funny here but your husband works long hours why cant you also work fulltime? Most adults do nowadays and still manage to keep a household running? Especially as you have 2 teenagers that are self sufficient, maybe your hubby is pissed off hes got to work fulltime but your choosing not too?

SofiaMichelle · 27/05/2021 14:43

@VanGoghsDog

You bring home just under 50k

She doesn't. £750 x 52 = £39k.

To be fair it's not at all clear.

People randomly use 'take home' and 'bring home' to mean gross or net, with no consistency.

I really don't know by people don't say "£750/week net" or "£750/week gross". It's much simpler.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/05/2021 14:44

VanGoghsDog yes but that’s 50k or just under gross and her net pay would be c.£750 a wk

MiddlesexGirl · 27/05/2021 14:44

Depending on the set up it's not difficult to see why 20 hours of housework per week would be normal.
Eg. cooking from scratch 1hr per day = 7hrs
Laundry and ironing for 4 = 4hrs
Cleaning/hoovering - could be 1hr per day if you run a particularly clean household = 7hrs
Shopping = 2hrs