Husband wants me to earn £1k per week

[MariaMackee]

DH and I both work for ourselves but have very different jobs. He owns a business and works long hours as you’d expect being a business owner.

I work part time providing a specialist service to clients (nothing untoward) and am paid by the hour. I currently bring home about £750 per week.

Because he works long hours I do the majority of the household chores which includes all laundry, food shopping and cooking. He does all the recycling, bins and maintains the garden. We also have two teenagers who are pretty good and self sufficient.

We are reasonably comfortable financially, but DH says we need to make as much money as possible so we can retire earlier and not have worry about money. I see his point but I am happy as I am and would have to do at least 5 more hours a week to make £1k.

It’s causing a bit of friction and I feel pressured, he says another 5 hours is not much, but I already feel exhausted with running the home and quite like having some time to myself.

AIBU or should I increase my hours to keep the peace?

@Juno231

All these people saying OP doesn't force her OH to work long hours - if he didn't they wouldn't have the lifestyle she enjoys?? If he didn't then she couldn't doss about only working 20h a week 9 months of the year. The only reason she is able to only work 20h a week is BECAUSE he works a lot to support the family.

He's not exactly asking you to up it to full time or to pick up a second job is he? Why should you be able to enjoy your hobbies and casual life at the expense of his hard work? It just smells of entitlement to me.

You can’t say this without knowing what he earns, what their other financial affairs entail, and what their lifestyle is.

OP earns a bloody good whack fir a 15 hour week. All power to her.

What is he’s only earning £10K more than her, the house has no mortgage because of a property she brought into the marriage, and day to day their lifestyle is fairly frugal because his extra £10K goes entirely into savings for a retirement on a date dictated by him?

Yeah sure, she might be taking the piss leeching off him, watching him work his fingers to the bone ready to enjoy non stop cruises and no more work when she’s 50...

But that’s not in any posts I’m reading 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP has got it made. She's not scrounging off anyone but is doing very nicely... She earns a very decent part-time wage, more than many people's full-time wage. And she does most of the household chores.

The status quo works for her. She's hardly being unfair to her DH... she pulls her weight fully and they're financially comfortable. It's his choice to work long hours and (presumably) make more money and not contribute significantly to the household chores.

She doesn't owe him an early retirement.

quite like having some time to myself
Does your OH gets much time for himself too?

@vivainsomnia

The impression I get is that the OP would be happy working full time but doesn't want to do that and still be saddled with all the housework and laundry. I see her point! And my impression is that OP loves all the time and freedom she gets and exaggerate how much she spends on chores to justify keeping it this way.

Either could be correct.

You think she has to justify not working more hours to fund her older husband’s retirement?!

I usually take an hour or so to cook from scratch, sometimes less, sometimes more. Granted I'm probably doing something a bit more elaborate than others would but the family are benefitting.
As it happens my DC do share the cooking load; cleaning and ironing less so but then it's my choice to send them to school looking well presented - I accept that others view ironing as unnecessary.

@vivainsomnia

quite like having some time to myself Does your OH gets much time for himself too?

He works long hours to fund his early retirement. That’s his choice. OP is allowed to make her own choices too.

Some people earn 1k a month, he needs some perspective and needs to get real. Retiring early is great, a luxury not many can afford but if it’s something he wants then he needs to earn more rather than trying to force you to. You’re clearly happy as you are and you earn a decent amount already, he’s being a selfish twunt.

We have a vaguely similar set up.

I work 30 hrs per week over 4 days and can't see myself increasing to full time now - am in 50s. DH works ft and is very set on early retirement, whereas I would prefer to keep the work/life balance I have and work until 60 at which point my various employers pensions will provide a reasonable annual sum.

I guess our issue is not as stark as there isn't a big age gap, also I've been trying to convince DH to drop his working days as he might be really bored if he retired at 55, particularly if I don't have large chunks of holiday time to go away with him.

Whatever you do needs to be fair on both parties. I can see why due to the age gap that he wants the option of retirement soon, but I can also see that you earn a decent whack anyway with the hours that you do, and are in charge of the full domestic load.

I think you need to have a proper discussion and review pension provision, plus retirement age expectations on both sides.

You think she has to justify not working more hours to fund her older husband’s retirement?!
Or maybe he owns 80% of the retirement pot currently but OP expects this to be shared equally. We don’t know.

Would those additional hours be available @MariaMackee, most schools are cutting their budgets

I get my shopping delivered.
It takes half an hour to receive and put away. Similar or a bit longer to order because don't forget I'm menu planning from scratch!
If I had to go out to shop it would be 2 hours minimum including travel. And I consider myself quite efficient as I rarely do top up shops.

I think you should have a thorough talk about retirement. Because I suspect in his head it mean he retires completely but you only retire from paid work. I think I'd want to know just what he means by 'retiring'.

Apart from that, I'd be expecting him to pick up as many hours of domestic labour as you replace with paid labour.

He sounds like a real prince.

@vivainsomnia

You think she has to justify not working more hours to fund her older husband’s retirement?! Or maybe he owns 80% of the retirement pot currently but OP expects this to be shared equally. We don’t know.

Seeing as he’ll be retiring earlier than she will, he should have contributed the majority at this point 🤨

@vivainsomnia but you are (like me, to be fair) filling the gaps on what might be the case.

We don’t know that he’s tired from work, rather than loving it. It’s his own business. I work long hours - even though I’ll be happy to let go when I retire, I’m fine with the long hours now - I love what I do!

5 years? You’re adding your own maths here. Detail is what’s missing from the OP and it’s important.

What if your theoretical OP’s wife were to reply, “and I told him... he’s 12 years older. I love my work. He wants to retire at 65 in 5 years time. I’ll be 53. That’s too young for me to stop what I love! I want to be fair financially - I won’t just live off his money at 53. Instead, I’ll work til 58, and those 5 years of my continued 15 hours a week means we can still accomplish his goal for him of retiring at 62. But... I’m not ready at 53 to just give up a job I love. I feel like he wants me to work more now, just so he gets a full time retirement companion at 65. I just feel too young. I can contribute the same amount of money to our joint retirement as he wants - just over a longer period, with me still working for a while longer.”

I’m sure neither of our stories is the right version though.

Stop everyone! Op, please can you answer all the questions asked; because at the moment we're all just pointlessly speculating.

@vivainsomnia

*Eg. cooking from scratch 1hr per day = 7hrs Laundry and ironing for 4 = 4hrs Cleaning/hoovering - could be 1hr per day if you run a particularly clean household = 7hrs Shopping = 2hrs*

1h a day to cook? Even from scratch, ridiculous
Laundry and ironing? You go to be kidding. Teenagers can do theirs. Hubby can do his ironing if required. 1 hour if that
Cleaning? Again, teenagers can contribute.
Shopping? Get it delivered.

The way sahm or those working few hours inflate these supposed duties really amazes me. My OH and I must be superheroes to manage it all both working ft!

I agree. Those times seem crazy to me.

Do people include the time waiting for something to cook? It must be very elaborate if it completely occupies an hour of one's time.

And 4hrs laundry? It takes seconds to bung stuff in the machine then into the drier or a few minutes to hang out. Surely everyone does something else whilst the machine is running?

Do you want to retire early too or is that just his plan?

but you are (like me, to be fair) filling the gaps on what might be the case
We all are. I’m just playing devils advocate to those making blatant statements that he is controlling and unreasonable. I started to post asking questions about their retirement plans. I would have thought OP would have mentioned this from the start to give a better picture of the situation.

If he's older than you, is it possible that behind the guise of 'early retirement' is the issue that he's feeling the strain of his working pattern more than he did when he was younger and needs to rebalance the load? 'Long hours' only get harder with age - is he starting to struggle with it, hence the focus on 'handing the business over; and 'early retirement'.

How early is he talking anyway? 55? 60? With a 12 year gap, if he's retiring early and you are meant to be retiring at the same time as him, you could be cutting decades off your potential working life! I wouldn't want to be 'retired' in my 40's!

It's got to be worth having a full, cards on the table, conversation with him about it all, with a view to drawing up a proper plan, but I would absolutely stick to your guns about outsourcing household tasks if you do.

Do you split the bills equally? If not then I can see his justification that if you can work more then you should to make things more equal financially - assuming he also picks up an equal share of running the home of course

And working less than 20 Hours per week for 9 months of the year there is certainly scope to work more without it affecting what you do round the house - it just sounds like you don't want to?

@Naunet how do you know he’s contributed more to the retirement pot?
Sure, the kids are teens now... what if this is a not unusual example of her career taking a back seat for his and (genuinely) allowing his to take off? In which case, she also contributed to that retirement pot.
What if her earnings were more than his when the kids were young and he was building the business?

My husband is 12 years older than me, but I bring more to our retirement money. A 2010 snapshot of him and his ex wife would have shown him as the high earner. Reality, she was full time for years whilst his business broke even.

As I said upthread - not enough details!

DH says you need to make as much money as possible so he can retire earlier and not have worry about money.

He's 12 years older than you and obviously has to work a lot more than you do to make whatever he makes.

Really I think he is trying to make his problems and choices in life yours.

I have a similar set up to you, enjoy doing my 20hrs a week and have no intention of retiring early, why would I, I can easily carry on with my role well into my 60s.

Tell him the compromise is that you will carry on working longer than him (you still get all the school hols for doing stuff with him) so you'll still be bringing money into the household long after he's retired. But at that point he needs to step up domestically too.

If the op is still in the same position when her DH retires, he'll have a companion that works PT during term time. How much more time do you want to spend together?!

I’m also interested to know if these extra 5hours a week are available? Or has he just decided you should find them.

And how does your eldest feel about taking over the business? I hope DH isn’t applying undue pressure there either.

Op are you happy to continue working after he retires? Is this your plan? I think you need to communicate better with each other on how you see it all panning out.