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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has just blocked me,aibu to think I've done nothing wrong?

323 replies

louisabb · 26/05/2021 17:10

I don't understand when my friend has outbursts like this.
Friday we had organised to meet up for a look around the shops and I said lunch.
Lately she's been saying she has no appetite and likes nibbly food.
So I found 3 places and sent her the menu and asked if she liked the look of them.
She said "it's only Wednesday,I'm not deciding yet"
Then said "actually I just want to get a sandwich"
I said "oh no worries,I'm fancying more a hot meal so how about we find a nice pub that does sandwiches plus a choice of meals"
No reply.
Then a hour later she rang me angry
"I don't like to plan anything,I've got no interest in food "
I said "ok well why did you organise it with me"
She said "oh there you go blaming me"
I said "I'm not sure what the problem is,I was just trying to find somewhere you liked"
She replied "I like nowhere"
I said "sorry I'm a bit confused,do you want to cancel Friday ?"
She said "oh blaming me for wanting to cancel(she swore ) hung up and blocked me on WhatsApp

What did I do?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 26/05/2021 22:10

sounds like she has problems but instead of asking for help is taking it out on you-too much drama

Tiffanny · 26/05/2021 22:11

I've dropped friends for less annoying stuff than this

She's toxic, will drag you down

wingsnthat · 26/05/2021 22:12

I don’t understand why if she just wanted to walk around and not get food, she didn’t just say? She could have even suggested Starbucks or a juice bar or somewhere where food isn’t the focus, as no one stays there for as long as a restaurant visit

Original poster
louisabb · 26/05/2021 22:20

There's loads of weird things going on with her.
She doesn't like to be out past 4 pm.

She would never go to the cinema,go bowling or anything that means she's out late.
She would never meet for tea at 5pm as she likes to be home and "settled" even tho she doesn't actually do anything all day.

She wouldn't do nights away.
Her day is going to the corner shop and sitting home watching the tele all day
She loved lockdown
She even said to me it's good to see everyone stuck in the house too.

In the summer I would say you fancy the beach and a walk
She would say she couldn't be bothered
Her highlight of the week is going to Tesco.

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 26/05/2021 22:24

Just keep her as a friend you text, you don’t have to see her

She doesn’t like going out

ODFOx · 26/05/2021 22:28

@louisabb

There's loads of weird things going on with her. She doesn't like to be out past 4 pm.

She would never go to the cinema,go bowling or anything that means she's out late.
She would never meet for tea at 5pm as she likes to be home and "settled" even tho she doesn't actually do anything all day.

She wouldn't do nights away.
Her day is going to the corner shop and sitting home watching the tele all day
She loved lockdown
She even said to me it's good to see everyone stuck in the house too.

In the summer I would say you fancy the beach and a walk
She would say she couldn't be bothered
Her highlight of the week is going to Tesco.

Your friend sounds depressed. Depressed people will sometimes use any excuse to get out of a social engagement if they feel that they cant cope. Your friend has been avoiding any interaction involving food while she has been losing weight and is still trying to avoid trigger points for her eating. Leave the door open if you want to but you can't do more than you're doing. Don't take her behaviour personally and remember she isn't well otherwise why would she behave this way.
bitheby · 26/05/2021 22:38

This sounds like my ex who had an eating disorder. Making plans to eat was always really tense and all the problems were always my fault. If it is related to something like that then it's rooted in anxiety but that doesn't make it easier to be on the receiving end of.

Zzelda · 26/05/2021 23:59

Sorry but who plans for food for weekend shopping from Wednesday?

People shopping shortly after lockdown where a lot of places are demanding that you book in advance?

Idontknowanymore05 · 27/05/2021 00:10

Have you mentioned this friend before? I vaguely remember reading something similar where this friend didn't work and lived at home with her mum.

Anyway, I wouldn't waste anymore time on her. She is clearly someone who is happy in her own company.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 00:11

@louisabb

There's loads of weird things going on with her. She doesn't like to be out past 4 pm.

She would never go to the cinema,go bowling or anything that means she's out late.
She would never meet for tea at 5pm as she likes to be home and "settled" even tho she doesn't actually do anything all day.

She wouldn't do nights away.
Her day is going to the corner shop and sitting home watching the tele all day
She loved lockdown
She even said to me it's good to see everyone stuck in the house too.

In the summer I would say you fancy the beach and a walk
She would say she couldn't be bothered
Her highlight of the week is going to Tesco.

Well she doesn't sound well tbh OP.

Does she live alone/ is there anyone looking out for her?

Does she work?

If you know she's difficult to get out of the house, etc. I can't understand why you're so pissed off etc. You know how it goes with her. And clearly she's not in a going out and lunching frame of mind so sending the menus was bound to make her feel a bit railroaded.

Knowing her as you do isn't her house/ your house more likely to work?

I can't understand the pressure, then the anger when you must realise she's not well.

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/05/2021 00:15

Have you ever previously asked her why she wants to be home so early. Or any of the other things?

Does she work?

There's any number of things that could be causing her behaviour, social anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, bipolar...

RavingAnnie · 27/05/2021 00:19

Your friend doesn't sound very well OP.

Nats1984 · 27/05/2021 01:14

You haven’t actually done anything wrong . In her eyes you may have though. As someone who’s battled ED you were probably triggering all kinds of buttons you didn’t know existed. You still weren’t in the wrong. When I was dealing with my shit, I knew it was my issues therefore my needs were unreasonable. I’d never have got upset with someone suggesting a lunch because I knew it was normal to have lunch . I’d make an excuse to decline lunch or I’d go to lunch and engineer a low eating event for myself ( dental issues were always a solid go to, you can chat and drink but eat fuck all) . I wouldn’t have got upset or not turned up to the shopping trip. I wouldn’t have got cross with my mate for sure. Regardless of what’s going on the other side, booking lunch is always normal . I’ll come if she cancels :) I actually appreciate peoples time now, might even eat something :)

miraclemonday · 27/05/2021 01:22

I think your friend is autistic and you overwhelmed her.

I'd be quite annoyed if I told you I didn't want to eat and you sent a selection of places to eat (three days from now) for me to choose from. Overwhelming.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay home past 4pm, with wanting to stay gone full stop. Routines are clearly very important to her.

RightYesButNo · 27/05/2021 01:29

OP, how is your friend able to afford living like this? You say she has no job, no partner, no kids. Is she old enough to be retired, or independently wealthy, or on some form of disability assistance?

Yestothis · 27/05/2021 01:44

@miraclemonday

I think your friend is autistic and you overwhelmed her.

I'd be quite annoyed if I told you I didn't want to eat and you sent a selection of places to eat (three days from now) for me to choose from. Overwhelming.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay home past 4pm, with wanting to stay gone full stop. Routines are clearly very important to her.

I agree - she sounds overwhelmed. I wouldn't have reacted so aggressively in her situation I think, but I would have backed away. I get overwhelmed easily and I really try to be there when friends need me - when something is wrong I can help them with. But I think I've lost a friendship recently where I'd been honest with a friend and told her I was struggling, and she just kept leaving angry messages because I wasn't updating her on the situation on WhatsApp fast enough. If you want to help your friend - and that's up to you - I think listening when she tells you she is struggling is important. Sometimes communication is the thing we are finding stressful. It's okay not to accept that but I really appreciate people who do.
Maddison12 · 27/05/2021 03:29

@louisabb

There's loads of weird things going on with her. She doesn't like to be out past 4 pm.

She would never go to the cinema,go bowling or anything that means she's out late.
She would never meet for tea at 5pm as she likes to be home and "settled" even tho she doesn't actually do anything all day.

She wouldn't do nights away.
Her day is going to the corner shop and sitting home watching the tele all day
She loved lockdown
She even said to me it's good to see everyone stuck in the house too.

In the summer I would say you fancy the beach and a walk
She would say she couldn't be bothered
Her highlight of the week is going to Tesco.

Now I've read this update I take everything back that I said in my previous post. Your friend is clearly not well. Hope she has other forms of support op as you said she has no other friends now and you clearly don't like her very much...
PinkSatinMoon · 27/05/2021 04:06

Leave her be... Block her too Flowers

numberoneson · 27/05/2021 05:20

@louisabb

The only reason I plan ahead is because she drops me in it so much. I get ready and 5 mins before she will say she can't be bothered or it's raining so she's staying in bed.
Then she's not a true friend. Let her go, and don't waste a moment regretting it.
sunshinepunch · 27/05/2021 06:18

I'd love to meet up with a friend, browse the shops and have a bite to eat. You did absolutely nothing wrong, in fact it was thoughtful to look at different menus and consider her choices too.

I'd take the block as a blessing. Give her the space she clearly wants and respect the boundaries she's placed up. I think sometimes if friendships/relationships etc are too hard and always an uphill battle then not meant to be.

Do you have other friends who might be up for a shop & lunch?

sunshinepunch · 27/05/2021 06:20

I wouldn't block her back, but that's just me. In this case I would be a supportive 'ear' if she wanted to talk but I wouldn't plan things with her.

Northernsoullover · 27/05/2021 06:30

Who plans for food? People just coming out of lockdown that's who. I booked lunch for 3 weeks time with my friend because its hard to find somewhere to eat. As for 'pushing food' if I went for a shopping trip with a friend the lunch is the best bit whether you eat or not. You get to sit down and catch up properly not walking and talking side by side. Some people here are so dramatic !

ToWhere · 27/05/2021 06:37

Friendship shouldn't be such hard work and one-sided. She does sound like she has issues to resolve around food and socialising in general. You don't have to fix her. More to the point I don't think any lay person could.

Suzi888 · 27/05/2021 06:40

@louisabb

The only reason I plan ahead is because she drops me in it so much. I get ready and 5 mins before she will say she can't be bothered or it's raining so she's staying in bed.
^ that would be it for me. So your time isn’t important to her! She knows she has no intentions of going if she’s lying in bed!!!! Angry Find a new friend!
Mypathtriedtokillme · 27/05/2021 06:47

Op she’s not your friend.
Don’t do anything and just move on

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