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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has just blocked me,aibu to think I've done nothing wrong?

323 replies

louisabb · 26/05/2021 17:10

I don't understand when my friend has outbursts like this.
Friday we had organised to meet up for a look around the shops and I said lunch.
Lately she's been saying she has no appetite and likes nibbly food.
So I found 3 places and sent her the menu and asked if she liked the look of them.
She said "it's only Wednesday,I'm not deciding yet"
Then said "actually I just want to get a sandwich"
I said "oh no worries,I'm fancying more a hot meal so how about we find a nice pub that does sandwiches plus a choice of meals"
No reply.
Then a hour later she rang me angry
"I don't like to plan anything,I've got no interest in food "
I said "ok well why did you organise it with me"
She said "oh there you go blaming me"
I said "I'm not sure what the problem is,I was just trying to find somewhere you liked"
She replied "I like nowhere"
I said "sorry I'm a bit confused,do you want to cancel Friday ?"
She said "oh blaming me for wanting to cancel(she swore ) hung up and blocked me on WhatsApp

What did I do?

OP posts:
SingToTheSky · 27/05/2021 10:28

I don’t remember that incident but I remember you posting generally about how she doesn’t leave her mum much etc.

Honestly she’s treating you like shit. MH does not mean she’s allowed to do that (and I say that as an autistic person with adhd and numerous MH issues). Seriously.

And so what if she says you ditched her because of her mental health? YOU know it’s not true. YOU know you are backing off because SHE is treating you badly and you don’t have to put up with that.

Besides, who is she going to say that to? You’re the last one left because she has pissed off everyone else with her shitty behaviour. Who does she even have to bitch about you to? Her mum? 🤷‍♀️

Horehound · 27/05/2021 10:33

She is not your friend.

Stop engaging with her. Why is that difficult to understand?!

CrazyNeighbour · 27/05/2021 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Giantrooster · 27/05/2021 10:40

I remember some of your other threads about this, advice is always the same.

I guess you come here to vent as you don't seem to take any advice onboard. That's ok, but ask yourself why you keep going, if you can't get her to accept help and you won't step away. What's in it for you, why does it make you go for more?

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 10:45

Sorry I don't mean to come across as annoying keep posting about her.
I do care about her and we have such a long friendship.
We used to go on holidays together and I've just watched her become this person.
I'm taking a step back now.
I've she wants to reach out then she can
If she needs my help il be there for her but not at the price of my own well-being.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 10:47

I think the days when we speak on the phone and she's like her old self we can laugh for hours,she knows me better than anyone.
It's just a shame things are like this but I guess if she doesn't want help.

OP posts:
Giantrooster · 27/05/2021 10:54

Oh dear Smile. You're not annoying, but not taking on board advise is a little frustrating Grin.

The only person you can change is YOU. I would really look in to why you keep going back, why your boundaries are so off with this person. That is your problem and something YOU should adress.

You can give advise once, if it's not taken it's not because it wasn't heard, it's because it won't be used and you should leave it.

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 11:00

@Giantrooster that's very sensible advice.
I guess more than once and your just banging your head against a brick wall and wondering why it's painful

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 27/05/2021 11:04

@louisabb

I think the days when we speak on the phone and she's like her old self we can laugh for hours,she knows me better than anyone. It's just a shame things are like this but I guess if she doesn't want help.
That's fine - be there for a good chat on the phone if you want to. But you do not have to accept being spoken to & treated like shit, or feel guilty because you're you, not her.

Honestly OP, I had a similar (though not as extreme) friendship with lots of self-made drama, tears, tantrums, I couldn't possibly understand how complex her issues were, at least my disabled Dad wasn't dead like her dad... Etc etc.

A fairly typical incident happened but on this occasion the scales fell from my eyes. I really could not be arsed with enabling her terrible behaviour anymore.

I stepped back (didn't go NC, I will always be there in an emergency) concentrated on other easy friendships and my life got better. I think maybe my friend also learned that everyone has their limits.

SingToTheSky · 27/05/2021 11:05

It’s not about YOU being annoying OP. It sounds like you don’t think much of yourself either really - hence putting up with this so long. I know it’s hard to step away but I hope you can. 💐

OneToThree · 27/05/2021 11:07

Regardless of her mental or physical disabilities she isn’t very nice to you. Nobody needs friends like that. It sounds like you’ve got a full life so ask yourself why you don’t just cut her out of yours.

When she unblocks you to make contact again I’d then block her and get on with your life.

PollyDarton1 · 27/05/2021 11:33

Your friend is clearly unwell, but doesn't excuse her acting like a cunt to you.

I have anxiety, ADHD and have had an ED. I wouldn't dream of treating any of my friends like this.

BorderlineHappy · 27/05/2021 11:36

If this was your partner you would be advised to leave.
This is no different,you need to block her and move on.

People know what she's like cause she's done it to them.
Drop her and live a drama free life.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/05/2021 11:46

Any normal human being would have just said "let's not book a pub/ restaurant but grab a bite somewhere".

The thing is, isn’t a pub - where you could easily just have a side order and a drink - the perfect place to ‘grab a bite’? I think the OP offered a perfectly workable compromise. It’s not like her friend said, ‘I only really fancy something nibbly’ and the OP replied, ‘Ooh, I know - what about this three-course meal deal?’

There were so many ways the friend could have dealt with this. She could have accepted that her desire for more of a snack-type lunch doesn’t trump the OP’s desire for a proper lunch, and compromised with the pub A’s suggested. If she’d felt really against the idea, she could have said, Honestly, I was really thinking more of grabbing a sandwich from Marks - would that be okay?’ or similar. The OP might have said yes; she might have tried to persuade her otherwise. But the friend has no way of knowing, as she didn’t simply ask. She could have said, ‘Do you mind if we skip lunch and just go shopping? I could meet you earlier/later if it helps’. No, none of that - straight to screaming matches and blocking.

As for the ‘But you sent her menus!’ comments, I thought ‘menu’ meant a list of food and drink you can choose from. Apparently for some people it’s up there with a letter bomb, or a loved one’s ear with a ransom demand attached.

XenoBitch · 27/05/2021 11:54

I remember your other posts about this friend OP. You were advised back then to drop her. She does not sound like a friend at all. She has her MH issues, yes, but if she wont address them or get help for them, treating you like a verbal punching bag is not doing her any favours and certainly not you.
You sound like a lovely and patient person for putting up with this for so long. Please step away, see your other friends... the ones that love your company. This is vital for your own mental health.

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 11:55

Il just add 2 of the places were actually cafes.
They do things like sandwiches and salad or jacket potatoes but also have a choice of a few more hot meals.
I think she was looking for any excuse to get out of it.
I have a gut feeling after the weekend she will unblock me when the day is over we were due to meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 11:57

Yes I have plans with another friend over the bank holiday which I can't wait for and we have booked to go to the races for the day the week after.
So it's not because I have no friends why I keep trying it's because I care and apparently don't know when enough is enough.
From now on tho I'm done trying.
She can live her life how she wants.

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 27/05/2021 11:59

The key thing here for me is that the OP is accepting very poor treatment from her friend. Okay, the friend doesn’t sound at all well mentally, but that doesn’t excuse her using the OP as a punch bag. And the fact that the OP puts up with it demonstrates poor boundaries. I’ve been there so no judgement from me, it’s very difficult to see what’s going on when you’re the one going through it.

Friendships shouldn’t be this difficult. I think you should pull back from her, at least in the short-term. It sounds like your friend needs professional help; if she does that then perhaps she’ll become the friend she was before.

LizzieW1969 · 27/05/2021 12:03

I think YANBU definitely, regarding the meet up for shopping and lunch. Even if she did feel pressured, flying off the handle was very OTT. But there’s obviously a lot more to it than just where to have lunch.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/05/2021 12:24

OP - I think the block is a blessing in disguise. In all likelihood, she does have mental health problems, but you can’t put her health ahead of yours. For now at least, it’s out of your hands; you can’t try to help her even if you wanted to. Take this time as a break from her, think about whether you want the friendship to continue (if she unblocks you) and, if you do, what will need to change to make that happen.

DazzlingHaze · 27/05/2021 12:55

She has done you a favour by blocking you. I would block her back so she can feel the loss of what she's thrown away when she inevitably unblocks you. I remember one of your previous threads about her and it sounds like such a stressful friendship. She's not interested in helping herself and at this stage she's just pulling you down with her.

I think you've been a good friend to her and have really tried. If she tells people you ditched her due to her mental health then who cares? You know it isn't true. What does she bring to your life? It sounds like she only brings stress and upset. And I know you should be there for people through the good and the bad but from your posts it sounds like you've been going through the bad with her for a long time now. I don't think anyone would judge you for stepping back.

The fact she only has you as a friend says it all really. She's pushed everyone else away with this behaviour. You've got other friends, so all you're losing out on is her company, your social life will go on just fine.

billy1966 · 27/05/2021 13:33

@Giantrooster

Oh dear Smile. You're not annoying, but not taking on board advise is a little frustrating Grin.

The only person you can change is YOU. I would really look in to why you keep going back, why your boundaries are so off with this person. That is your problem and something YOU should adress.

You can give advise once, if it's not taken it's not because it wasn't heard, it's because it won't be used and you should leave it.

This is good life advice, that if you can take it would help you long term.

You are making so little of yourself chasing such a rude, angry, dismissive person.

Why would you do that?
Why are you so careless with your self respect?

Life is very hard for people like you because invariably ye get shat on constantly.

Why would you want that?

We teach people how to treat us.

Please focus on and help YOURSELF.

You sound like a nice young woman.

Flowers
JediGnot · 27/05/2021 14:08

Saraclara said "Your providing menus and pushing for decisions would make me feel really hemmed in. You should have stopped as soon as she said she didn't want to decide yet."

There are different sides to this though. Some people don't like to be hemmed in. Others like to know that they have a fairly firm plan. Others still find missing meals very unpleasant or even dangerous, don't like eating whilst walking and need to make solid plans in advance during a pandemic.

As per usual the truth and full picture involves at least two sides and a bit of nuance.

JediGnot · 27/05/2021 14:12

@Horehound

She is not your friend.

Stop engaging with her. Why is that difficult to understand?!

Because OP has shared history with the person, and because OP's nice she doesn't want to just drop someone and make their mental health worse?
PinkSatinMoon · 27/05/2021 15:27

Because OP has shared history with the person, and because OP's nice she doesn't want to just drop someone and make their mental health worse?

and how's that working out for OP 😏