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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has just blocked me,aibu to think I've done nothing wrong?

323 replies

louisabb · 26/05/2021 17:10

I don't understand when my friend has outbursts like this.
Friday we had organised to meet up for a look around the shops and I said lunch.
Lately she's been saying she has no appetite and likes nibbly food.
So I found 3 places and sent her the menu and asked if she liked the look of them.
She said "it's only Wednesday,I'm not deciding yet"
Then said "actually I just want to get a sandwich"
I said "oh no worries,I'm fancying more a hot meal so how about we find a nice pub that does sandwiches plus a choice of meals"
No reply.
Then a hour later she rang me angry
"I don't like to plan anything,I've got no interest in food "
I said "ok well why did you organise it with me"
She said "oh there you go blaming me"
I said "I'm not sure what the problem is,I was just trying to find somewhere you liked"
She replied "I like nowhere"
I said "sorry I'm a bit confused,do you want to cancel Friday ?"
She said "oh blaming me for wanting to cancel(she swore ) hung up and blocked me on WhatsApp

What did I do?

OP posts:
CatNamedEaster · 27/05/2021 07:03

Your last post rings bells, I think I remember you posting about her before?

It sounds like she does have issues but it puts you in a really tough situation. You're not her carer and you can't be made to feel responsible for her wellbeing but at the same time you might be feeling guilty (Not saying you should) about cutting her off as you say she doesn't seem to have anyone else around her.

I don't know what I would do, I'm only just starting to put myself first as I've been left drained by situations where I've helped others more than was good for me (work/time related). You have to put your own wellbeing first, but maybe if she does get back in contact you could try to say something about meeting up seeming to cause her stress and maybe she might find it helpful to talk about that with a professional. That you are happy to chat as a friend but you aren't happy to be treated badly when you have tried to support and accommodate her in different ways. You are a friend but you also have lives outside of each other and you won't feel bad for doing other things with other people. I'm wording it badly but I guess I'm trying to say to imply that you are a friend and all you want to do is normal friendy things so if she isn't able to do those things it would be a positive step to get professional help. So if there ARE significant issues then she knows you aren't telling her she's horrible but You're also stating that you have to matter just as much.

Fuckitfuckit · 27/05/2021 07:09

Fucking hell, a female version of my dad!!

She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I managed to get him out of the house last week, first time I've seen him in I don't know how long. Took him to taco bell. Its DDs favourite and he's wanted to try it.

He started throwing mozzarella around, saying he doesn't like "this shit" that cheese is disgusting. I said, oh that's mozzarella...pizza cheese.
No it's fucking not, and rabbit food. I'm stuffed he says. This is too much food. I won't eat again until tomorrow.
He calls me an hour after I drop him home, apparently the taco bell gave him the shits, and he's not going out with me again. Definitely wasn't the kilo of M&Ms he ate when he got in. He's used to them. It was apparently the foreign food🙄
And he's not going anywhere with me again.

Same man who gets jealous I seem to talk to PILS more than him. I don't but he's jealous.
Same man who cancels most plans because he "has the shits"
Wants to spend 4 hours a day on the phone.
Things have to be a very certain way.

I just keep a distance. I think when you don't have any close relationships or set routines, you create your own ideals, and everyone's normal doesn't even become a thought.

My dad also comments about the lockdowns being brilliant and how they could lock down for as long as they want, as long as he can get his PIP assessment on the phone. He's clearly entitled anyway, he just doesn't want the concern of travelling for it.

Imagine, if you work 9-5, you'd never be able to have that in and settled by 5pm rule, and what kind of social life would you ever have?

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 08:16

I have posted before yes
She claims disability benefits and lives at home so all her money is her own.
I work 4 days a week 10 hour shifts so when I do get a day off during the week I don't like wasting it.
I don't want to sit around till 1pm for her to say she isn't coming anymore...my day off is wasted.
Like I previously said she was the one who said "we can get nibbles"
I wasn't pushing food on her.
I said il find somewhere we both like.

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/05/2021 08:20

Well, she's very hostile isn't she? I wouldn't be friends with her!
Doesn't sound like she wants to be friends with you. Sorry

CatNamedEaster · 27/05/2021 08:25

Yes, thought you had.
You need to step back for your own sanity. You can suggest she gets help if she is struggling and you can say you're happy to be a friend but she needs it made clear that you are just as important, you aren't her carer and she doesn't have the right to treat you badly.

WilsonMilson · 27/05/2021 08:30

Sounds like it might be an eating disorder to me. From her weird reaction or seems she finds it hard to go out for food, or even choose somewhere.
20 odd years ago I had an eating disorder, and going out to eat, or even choosing somewhere was incredibly stressful and I’d lash out in uncalled for ways because I simply couldn’t cope.

LittleMG · 27/05/2021 08:34

You haven’t done anything wrong

WilsonMilson · 27/05/2021 08:36

Just read your updates, she sounds rigidly addicted to her routines. Could be an extension of eating disorder, or it could be an ocd type of situation, or both. Whatever the case, she clearly has mental health issues and has likely alienated others too.
It’s not you, it’s her.
She has treated you badly, but sounds like she has is battling herself and not in a position to be a good friend to you at the moment.

LuaDipa · 27/05/2021 08:40

I think your friend sounds overly dramatic. She may well have issues with food but that is no reason for her to treat you like this. It seems as though you have very little in common so I would just move on and spend time with your other friends.

saraclara · 27/05/2021 08:41

@Wanttocryatthecost

I’d be annoyed too, I don’t like planning every single detail, I’d rather just go out shopping and just find somewhere when we are hungry. It’s a shopping trip it dosnt need to be planned in minute detail.
That. Your providing menus and pushing for decisions would make me feel really hemmed in. You should have stopped as soon as she said she didn't want to decide yet. But she certainly overreacted, so it sounds like something else is in play too.

Not much you can do if you're blocked. If you weren't I'd just apologise for pushing the planning when it wasn't needed.

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 08:48

@saraclara I wasn't asking her to decide.
I was sending her them saying "oooh lots of places to choose from"

Why would I think that's a problem considering she was the one who suggested shopping and "nibbles" anyway.

OP posts:
Jjou · 27/05/2021 08:53

The thing is, at the moment the planning is very much needed. Most places aren’t doing walk-ins, and get booked up quickly. So if you don’t plan a couple of days in advance the chances of finding somewhere mutually suitable is reduced. In normal times planning on a Wednesday for a Saturday is a bit much, but not at the moment.

SingToTheSky · 27/05/2021 08:55

I have seen similar posts too - but I may be thinking of someone else as the one I’m thinking of lived with her mum?

SingToTheSky · 27/05/2021 08:58

Anyway unless this was a sudden change in behaviour, which would make me very worried and try to reach out, I would be distancing myself. It sounds like she treats you pretty badly, and possibly everyone else around her too.

kimfox · 27/05/2021 09:11

It sounds to me like your friend has some serious MH problems. It's not up to you to deal with them, but pushing people away whilst actually needing them is pretty typical. I don't know how equipped you feel to challenge this - and if you do most likely she won't react well but is it worth reaching out in a compassionate / non-judgemental way? Just saying something like "I feel like you aren't yourself at the minute, I don't like the way you are treating me but I don't believe this is who you truly are, I care about you, I value our friendship and if you'd like to talk about anything I want you to know I'm here for you". Or similar.

If you do that it's quite likely she will be angry but it might plant a seed & it doesn't sound like there's much to lose atm. I'm absolutely not an expert on this topic, but perhaps a quick look around some MH / eating disorder websites might give you a bit of insight & perhaps some ideas of what you could try? If you want to obviously - it's not up to you to fix her. Sorry if that's way off the mark. - I haven't seen your previous posts.

CrazyNeighbour · 27/05/2021 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stevalnamechanger · 27/05/2021 09:21

She sounds a nightmare and very volatile . I don't think you did anything wrong

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 09:31

Il be honest what I struggle with isn't it normal to want to socialise with friends?
Going for drinks
Going for a cuppa and cake
Food out
Walks
Beach
Etc etc

I don't understand how someone early 30s chooses to be happy at home with no boyfriend ,friends ,kids and is happy just going food shopping and watching tv all day long.
She hates when I go out with other friends and if I don't invite her she goes off it ..but will never go.
She slags people off for going out having fun.

She never used to be like this.
Her mum hasn't left the house in 20 years.
I think it's how she's ended up like this.
I've tried to help her so many times

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/05/2021 09:38

I don't understand how someone early 30s chooses to be happy at home with no boyfriend ,friends ,kids and is happy just going food shopping and watching tv all day long.

But she isn't happy, is she? The now you say about her, the more clear it is that she has huge problems. And you're not going to be able to fix them.

I feel desperately sorry for her. Her mum's condition has clearly damaged her terribly.

Spanglemum · 27/05/2021 09:39

I don't know what her disability is but it sounds like she has agoraphobia band an eating disorder. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Don't arrange or suggest any more meet ups. See other friends,if she doesn't like it then explain gently that she doesn't like doing whatever you were doing. It sounds like she needs to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist but you can't force someone. Her mum obviously has issues too. If she makes a suggestion go with it but don't be surprised if she cancels.

GroggyLegs · 27/05/2021 10:09

She's clearly not well, but harsh as it is, it's not your job to fix her.

She needs to seek professional help - you're nobody's whipping boy, and unless you're a professional counselor or psychiatrist you're not equipped to help her with her issues.

Carry on & live your own life, if she offers a plan to do something & you want to do it, happy days, wish her happy birthday & merry xmas but drop the one sided friendship to acquaintances because your life is too short for this.

Be prepared for the narrative of 'you dropped me when I needed you most'.

SingToTheSky · 27/05/2021 10:14

Ah yes it is the same person. Honestly given how much you’ve put up with over the years it doesn’t sound worth pursuing this friendship really. You aren’t responsible for her happiness. You have given her ample support and opportunities to socialise over the years but it’s her own life and if she can’t bring herself to try then there’s really nothing you can do about that. You don’t need to make a big thing of it but honestly I would stop trying. By all means be there for her if she does want to meet up someday, but you really don’t have to. She won’t change and you’re perfectly entitled not to put up with being messed about. If you’re her last friend because she’s treated others badly - that’s her lookout.

Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 10:15

I do think if I dropped back the friendship she would say I dropped her because of her mental health condition.

Yesterday when she rang shouting I said
I don't know what I've done wrong
You tell me what you want to do and I will do it.

Her response when she realised I was saying that was "who do you think you are,you don't understand my mental health "

I said "I'm trying to understand ,so you tell me what your comfortable with "
She said "your all for yourself,you only care about number 1"
Even tho I had just said "il do whatever you want"
Even tho I had told her I would find somewhere she could get something she liked.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisabb · 27/05/2021 10:17

I don't know if anyone can remember but it's the same friend who a couple of months ago was at my house and started screaming because I said my dad hadn't been well and I was a bit worried.
She said she was angry and wanted to hit me.
She slammed my door as she left screaming.
Once again blaming me for not understanding why she shouts.

She isn't scared to go out
She will get busses to supermarkets etc
But that's all she does

OP posts:
Watchingstars88 · 27/05/2021 10:26

@louisabb honestly I don't think it's you. I suspect she got more going on behind the scenes than meets the eye. She sounds like hard work so I think you should leave her to it. It seems like whatever you try to do she won't be satisfied so leave her be. I wouldn't have the time/patience for the drama tbh.