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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

169 replies

GoldenLabbie · 26/05/2021 14:52

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

OP posts:
JackANackAnoreeee · 26/05/2021 14:56

In your situation yes I'd be massively hurt and confused. It's not like there's any obvious reason for the disparity (if you were a lottery winner, a gambling addict or were getting free rent at home for example) so it all sounds very strange.

lughnasadh · 26/05/2021 14:58

I think you are utterly unreasonable.

I would never give my children money 'just because', but according to need.

And grabby adult children who ask for money would get precisely nothing, unless there were extenuating circumstances.

No matter how 'unfair' people think it is, parents know their children better than anyone, and act accordingly. And they don't usually like them all the same, relationships grow or flounder, and change.

katy1213 · 26/05/2021 15:02

Why should your mother pay your debts? So many adult women on Mumsnet seem to think their parents should be funding them ad infinitum.

CoffeeCakey · 26/05/2021 15:04

Maybe she disagrees with paying of your debt and thinks it shows you can't manage your money where as the other sibling has asked before getting into debt.

Traveller3367 · 26/05/2021 15:05

YANBU at all
Parents are often short sighted in these matters not realising their unfair treatment of their children leads to breakdowns in relationships

Original poster
GoldenLabbie · 26/05/2021 15:05

I don’t think my mother should pay my debts! I just think she should be fair. I’m not lottery winner, I don’t gamble or smoke or drink. I’ve never been in serious debt. I’ve worked since I was sixteen. Definitely not a scrounger if that’s what people are getting at.

OP posts:
MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 26/05/2021 15:05

No, OP - you are a grown-up. You don't have any rights to your parents' money and it is theirs to do with as they please. If your sibling is having a hard time and your mum wants to help them out that is totally her decision and nothing to do with you, however begrudged you may feel about it. I speak as someone whose adult sibling has had repeated loans and top-ups from my parents. It's nothing to do with me. I think YABVU.

Lollypop701 · 26/05/2021 15:05

@lughnasadh
so how is it that one siblings needs a car bought for them but the other only needs £1000? i also give my children what they need, but that is a blatant disparity
Op is money the only disparity in how you are treated? If it is then you need to have a face to face chat, which I suspect you have, and then consider how you want the relationship to work for you afterwards.
Alternatively does your siblings provide a lot of help to dm which you don’t/can’t provide and dm is expressing gratitude?

TwoAndAnOnion · 26/05/2021 15:08

Each according to need

Redlorryellow · 26/05/2021 15:11

My “d”m gifted 30k to my cousin for a deposit to buy a house with his then girlfriend. The pair of them both work and continue to work part time in unskilled jobs but are now buying a bigger house with the asset she made possible for them. Me and my dsis have both worked full time for over a decade and have young dc but we continue to rent and are nowhere near a deposit. Go figure!! I mean it’s her money but stuff like this really sticks in the mind in families.

Nimo12 · 26/05/2021 15:12

I think you're being unreasonable. My mum has helped my sibling out after a redundancy and period of unemployment. She also helped them with some home improvements and bought them a carpet when they couldn't afford it themselves. She spoke with me about her plans to do this and I utterly encouraged it and never expected the same just so things were"fair". I wasn't the one in need.

whatabelter · 26/05/2021 15:15

YANBU how unfair of your DM. I'm sorry OP it's not right and not fair. Others calling you grabby have completely missed the point.

SwimBaby · 26/05/2021 15:15

I help my DC with different amounts and expect over time it will even out. I do it according to need and wouldn’t give money to even things out.

Michellebops · 26/05/2021 15:16

Yabu
Just because your sibling gets something doesn't mean you should call out your parent and get too.
You've bullied your mother into saying yes but quite clearly she does want to give you it.
Leave her to do what she wants with her own money

shivawn · 26/05/2021 15:17

Personally, the idea of taking money from my parents as an adult makes me massively uncomfortable whereas my 2 sisters would be more accepting of it. It doesn't bother me when my parents help out my sisters but I would never want them to feel they have to do the same for me.

nanbread · 26/05/2021 15:17

My DPs have bailed out one of my siblings various times (who now has more money than any of us ironically) and also given childcare to another sibling worth tens of thousands of pounds.

On the flip side they've paid for things for me that my siblings didn't have.

All at different times, all according to need, they didn't just hand out the same amount every time.

Babbly · 26/05/2021 15:19

@lughnasadh

I think you are utterly unreasonable.

I would never give my children money 'just because', but according to need.

And grabby adult children who ask for money would get precisely nothing, unless there were extenuating circumstances.

No matter how 'unfair' people think it is, parents know their children better than anyone, and act accordingly. And they don't usually like them all the same, relationships grow or flounder, and change.

This. It's honestly baffling that there are so many adults on here who think it's reasonable to demand money from people in exchange for fucking nothing and then be "miffed" when they try to get out of giving it to you.
shivawn · 26/05/2021 15:20

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself.

Now that I've read your post properly this really made me cringe. Your depth and deposit are your own responsibility, it would be different if your mother had offered you money but to flat out ask her for it in such an entitled way! 🤦‍♀️ How old are you OP?

shivawn · 26/05/2021 15:21

*debt not depth Blush

RedMarauder · 26/05/2021 15:21

@Redlorryellow

My “d”m gifted 30k to my cousin for a deposit to buy a house with his then girlfriend. The pair of them both work and continue to work part time in unskilled jobs but are now buying a bigger house with the asset she made possible for them. Me and my dsis have both worked full time for over a decade and have young dc but we continue to rent and are nowhere near a deposit. Go figure!! I mean it’s her money but stuff like this really sticks in the mind in families.
Your mum may owe one of your cousin's parents a debt and to pay it back she has given your cousin money. The debt she owes your cousin parents may not be monetary but she has decided it is worth that amount.

What the actual debt is, is none of your business.

PegasusReturns · 26/05/2021 15:23

This is MN so by the time I’ve posted this you’ll have been accused of being lazy, grabby and likely “vile” to boot.

It’s absolutely reasonable to be upset by a parent treating a sibling significantly differently. Whether that ls financially, emotionally or in some other way.

I don’t think you should expect to the £ equality, but there should be a sense of fairness and it sounds like there has been none in your mothers decision.

Pretzelcoatl · 26/05/2021 15:26

“Fair” meaning “exactly equal amount” is a thing that should start to mean less when your age becomes double digit - adults should have no expectation of that kind of consideration.

The only part you’re not being unreasonable about is that your DM agreed to do it when you asked, but her subsequent behaviour indicates that you surprised her and she’s actually not inclined to do so.

Put it behind you and don’t consider how much money other people have when it comes to your own life.

NoIdontwanttoseeyourknob · 26/05/2021 15:26

YANBU to feel upset. I’ve been in the same boat. It’s not even the money, it’s the fact that one child is seen as deserving of support and the other left to fend for themselves.

DogsSausages · 26/05/2021 15:29

I would feel a bit left out but maybe if you were to marry or buy a home then she had planned to help out with those costs, perhaps she plans to leave you an extra amount In her Will, who knows. maybe she feels the money would pay off a debt or go in rent and she doesnt feel comfortable with doing that. I wouldnt mention it again, she has her reasons, she might not have any money left to gift you. Try not to let it bother you, money really brings out the worse in people.

BrieAndChilli · 26/05/2021 15:29

i think it depends really. for example MIL gifted us deposit for a house, she has also gifted SIL money for a deposit. Now due to difference in household income, and where we are buying (us small town, SIL big expensive city) what we can get for our money is different so I suspect SIL has had more money than us but its not something we need to know or car about, the end result is the same - both getting houses that we want and has got us all on the ladder.
equally MIL has provided childcare in the school holidays for our 3 kids - SIL is 10 years younger so by the time she has kids MIL might not be able to provide childcare, on the otherhand my kids will be grown and so me/DD would be able to help out more.

if MIL had provided SIL with a deposit and not us then i suppose we would feel differently but i dont think 'help' or 'gifts' have to be exactly the same penny for penny.