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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

169 replies

GoldenLabbie · 26/05/2021 14:52

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

OP posts:

Grapewrath · 26/05/2021 23:02

Yanbu
It’s hurtful and unfair when parents treat you differently when there are no real differences in finances. I think the vast majority of people in real life feel the same. My mum frequently gives my sisters family money to help out or ‘just for a treat’ but never bothers with mine. It feels shit.
Anyway this is mumsnet and in this world you become an adult, your feelings as a daughter don’t matter and you should never enjoy any support financially, emotionally or otherwise

misspattylacosta · 26/05/2021 23:09

They think it's fair to include my kids birthday presents in my total. So if my DS gets a £30 present, my brother will receive £30. He doesn't have kids.

but it IS fair.

Possibly a bit petty if they are wealthy enough, a few £ more here or there shouldn't really make much difference, and siblings shouldn't count how many "free" diner the other got.

But in term of bigger gifts and inheritance, that's exactly how it should work. You don't reward one child because they have more kids, and punish the other because they don't

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 26/05/2021 23:32

It sounds like she doesn't have enough money but doesn't want to admit it 😬

Shewalksinbeautylikethenight · 26/05/2021 23:52

To offer a different perspective I’ve been the child who got more. I had a critically ill child and lost control of my finances, and my parents paid several thousand pounds of a debt to help me. One of my siblings thought like many pps they were due the same. I was really taken aback and, honestly, hurt by this, that they’d see an act of kindness at a really dark time as favouritism.
Reading other people’s responses has given me some things to think about.

therocinante · 26/05/2021 23:56

According to need in our family. My sister has had more for various reasons - illness, business going under, ended up living alone abroad and needing help getting home. I don't begrudge it as I didn't need the same.

So YABU a bit for expecting 'exactly the same' - you're not children any more sharing sweets out. While I do think it's a bit odd you asked your mum, the fact that she said yes and is now wavering is a bit mean of her.

Lumene · 27/05/2021 00:01

Maybe they want to see you manage your own money well first, rather than pay your debts for you and possibly enable bad habits.

pigeonpocket · 27/05/2021 00:10

In your case I would feel resentment at the money given to the sister. It's not like weddings or buying a house are necessities, and why should single adult children be excluded from parents giving out money just because they haven't found a partner or a house to buy?

My SIL wanted to buy a house, her parents helped her out with the deposit. But only enough so that they could also afford to do the same for us. They gave us the money to use "for a future deposit or whatever you want if you decide not to buy a house" which seems fair to me. My SIL didn't have to buy a house she couldn't afford on her own, she chose to do that. So why is she more "in need" of parental help?

Whereas if parents give money to help in the case of unforeseen circumstances/bad luck/hardships then I think it's a lot more fair to only give to the child who needs it at the time.

Resentment comes when parents give money to one child to fund their lifestyle choices but not to a other child, because they deem those choices more worthy somehow.

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 27/05/2021 00:20

@GoldenLabbie - I do feel for you. Have you made your DM aware of why you are hurt and asked your DM outright why there is a difference in her approach to you and your DSis, money-wise?

I know she has made excuses about why she can't transfer the money to you, so not about that - but more why she seems to favour DSis over you?

LovePoppy · 27/05/2021 02:15

@LaurieFairyCake

Bollocks

You are ENTITLED to be loved just as much as your sister

Or they shouldn't have had more children than they could love

We are not talking about a child who actually NEEDS more because they're disabled or they have a horrendous ex husband who abused them and they had to start again

We're talking about parents who quite simply choose to FAVOUR one child over the other by giving them more money or more time or more care or more nurture

Money does not equal love.

Yestothis · 27/05/2021 02:26

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

It sounds like she doesn't have enough money but doesn't want to admit it 😬

That was my first thought too. Might she need to stall until next month's income pension can top it up? She agreed it was fair but presumably she'd envisage budgeting to help you all out as expenses came up, not paying out to balance the books all at once. I don't see any reason to think she loves you less from this.

eatsleepread · 27/05/2021 02:34

I can't believe you just asked for the same amount your sibling had been given! Can't you see that this is pretty entitled?
You're a grown adult. Pay your own way.

Torvean · 27/05/2021 02:55

Your mother is entitled to spend her money how and when she pleases.
It's not like you're still kids opening presents together at Christmas.

Your mother might have a reason for paying for the car that you're not aware of.

I can't believe you asked outright for money like that.
I've worked since I was 15. At times I've been out of work but I would not expect my parents to give me money.

LaBellina · 27/05/2021 05:43

I think often it’s not about the money.
It’s feeling you’re treated as unequal to your sibling and if there’s a significant difference it’s often not the first time that sibling has gotten the preferential treatment. I have stopped to expect anything from my parents and would advice the OP to do the same.
I’m also not going to be the one who is going to look after my parents when they can’t do it for themselves anymore, the Golden Child can do that!

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 06:01

On one hand yes I think it’s right to treat kids fairly if you can. However I think you’re unreasonable to proclaim you don’t want your mother to pay your debts when literally thays what you’ve asked her to do.

Minezatea · 27/05/2021 08:06

Money does not equal love.

No but giving a big wadge of cash to one child (possibly the richest) and a much, much smaller amount to the other child does suggest something which could be hurtful. Money does not have to equal love for the OPs hurt to be understandable.

mygrandchildrenrock · 27/05/2021 10:26

I think it really depends on so many things, not least of all how much disposable income parents have. I have 5 adult children and not a great deal of surplus money. One of my DSs suffers from an illness that makes working full time hard at times. Over the years I have helped him out financially to keep a roof over his head. I couldn't give my other children the same amount of money, I just wouldn't have had it.
One of my DDs is a successful award winning photographer and I bought her first professional camera for her, again I didn't give the others any money at the same time.
If I was wealthy I would happily share money every time one of them had some but I'm not and I don't think it's caused any ill feelings between them.

Cyw2018 · 27/05/2021 10:35

@Shewalksinbeautylikethenight

To offer a different perspective I’ve been the child who got more. I had a critically ill child and lost control of my finances, and my parents paid several thousand pounds of a debt to help me. One of my siblings thought like many pps they were due the same. I was really taken aback and, honestly, hurt by this, that they’d see an act of kindness at a really dark time as favouritism. Reading other people’s responses has given me some things to think about.

But if your siblings suddenly fell on hard times (critical illness, sick child, job loss) presumably your parents would support them financially to a similar amount as they have you, or as best they can given their own financial position at that point in time.

It is about fairness across a lifetime. If you haven't experienced life growing up in a family where there is blatent favouritism or worse still a clear golden child/scapegoat dynamic it can be hard to fathom the pain it causes.

It may manifest in unfair distribution of money but that is just a symptom of a bigger more damaging problem.

LaBellina · 27/05/2021 12:34

It may manifest in unfair distribution of money but that is just a symptom of a bigger more damaging problem.

^^ this is what I was trying to say and @Cyw2018 worded it perfectly. I can understand that OP’s pain but maybe it’s difficult to fathom for those who are lucky enough to have grown up in families that didn’t have such toxic dynamics.

101jobs · 27/05/2021 20:38

I so strongly believe that before a parent gives something to one child, they need to ensure they can give the equal amount to their other children. If one child is financially better off than the other, it’s irrelevant. They are all still entitled to their equal share.

OP, you are right to feel upset

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