To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

[GoldenLabbie]

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

I think it's fair to help your children out when they need help, not necessarily giving them like for like. My parents have gifted money to myself and my sister for house deposits etc. I genuinely have no idea how much they've given her and vice versa. It doesn't matter. I'm comfortable, she's comfortable, and that's all that matters as a parent.

I think it's absolutely bonkers to say you are being grabby here! 'each according to need' also seems a bonkers response when it seems like, if anything, you have the greater need, not your sister. Plus unless they do a deep delve into your finances how on earth will they really know who has the most need?

You are not being 'grabby' (sigh), you are feeling hurt by being treated so differently and not receiving one version of support that your family offer. I wonder if it's worth talking to your DM again? Maybe say that you feel that she does not want to give you the same money she gave your sister, and that is OK, but might she feel able to tell you why as if you understood that it might feel less hurtful?

I can see why the op is upset though and that her title was a bit misleading. We would only give money to one if there was a good chance that we would have enough to help the other when needed. Circumstances can change though.

We have just given DD1 a large sum of money as a deposit for a house. We haven't given DD2 that amount. If she is buying a house in the future she will get money. She would never dream of asking for the money just because her sister has got some. That's just rude.

I would have absolutely no idea if my Parents had given money to my siblings. I can't imagine that I would have been told about it. That said, I doubt they ever did - with the exception of £1000 gift they gave to each of us on the occasion of their diamond wedding anniversary, where they told us we'd each been given the same. As an adult, I've never expected any money from my parents and don't think my brothers did either. In fact, my parents' will left everything split 3 ways. Although they weren't rich we each got a generous amount from their savings and house sale and my thoughts were that I wish they'd spent more of it on themselves.
Whilst it may seem unfair that your DB is a grabbing individual with no shame, you can't just expect to get money off your parents. You're an adult - have some pride in yourself and don't stoop to your brother's low level.

@PegasusReturns

This is MN so by the time I’ve posted this you’ll have been accused of being lazy, grabby and likely “vile” to boot.

It’s absolutely reasonable to be upset by a parent treating a sibling significantly differently. Whether that ls financially, emotionally or in some other way.

I don’t think you should expect to the £ equality, but there should be a sense of fairness and it sounds like there has been none in your mothers decision.

This in spades.

I'd show here gifting rules and ask how she transfered to sibling.
Basically keep asking where the £££ is!!!

My sibling ONCE asked my mum for money to help them pay off a childcare debt that had been landed on him by his ex. They were in dire straights.
I would never dream of asking my mum for the same amount of money my sibling got even if it would help me out.

I don’t keep a running total of what my siblings get and what I get. It’s none of my business! Your mum will have her reasons I suppose and it may not be down to favouritism.

Mind you, neither of my parents have much/any money so I’ve grown up with no bank of mum and dad.

I think if your parents constantly help a sibling/s financially but dont if you need help too it is grossly unfair. however, I wouldnt ask just "because".

@lughnasadh

So glad you are not my parent, you sound extremely nasty

YANBU

My parents tried to be scrupulously fair with us in terms of gifts of money and I in turn do the same with our children.

I can understand why you feel frustrated and hurt.

In general, I’d want big financial gifts to balance out.

The difference here may not be the money, but how it is being spent. Debt and a nebulous starting to save for a deposit feels like throwing money away to me. I wouldn’t send you a large sum with that description. Better to ask instead for a commitment that once you have most of the deposit saved, she will top it off with a contribution.

My parents were scrupulously evenhanded between me and my Dsis and it was the best thing they could have done. They bought my Dsis a horse box - DH and I got the same in cash and used it to convert our garage into a 4th bedroom so they could come and stay. My mum was treated significantly worse than her younger half siblings by her mum and stepdad and decided she and my dad would never do that to us. It's the moral thing to do.

No matter how 'unfair' people think it is, parents know their children better than anyone, and act accordingly. And they don't usually like them all the same, relationships grow or flounder, and change.
Wow 😳

I totally understand how you feel OP. My sibling has had way more than me over the years, by grandparents, aunts and parents. Me... I've had zero.
I always get told he needs more help than me because he's terrible with money and has 3 children that he can't financially support. Where I work FT, only have 1 child, can budget and save and self sufficient. It pisses me off.
This in need crap can only go on for so long. Children should be treated fairly, while that doesn't mean the same it should be fair.

Tbh, if this had been my parents I'd have said my peace then backed off.
Let's hope your dsis will be their carer when they need one.

I hate this, you treat all your kids the same.
Saying that I've given the eldest money that the younger ones haven't had yet, but they know it's there when they need it.

My parents paid for my wedding, they have paid for my dcs university halls, they have done neither for my siblings because they haven't got married and haven't had kids. My mum likes to be fair and was when they gave us all money when an annuity matured but she didn't in the case of these because if my dc did get married or have dc they would do the same

Am I the only one who thinks the OP shouldn't even know about it?

I'm the youngest of 5 and my parents helped us all at different stages of our lives but we never discussed it with siblings.

Because a) we didn't want to make our parents feel obliged to do the same for everyone regardless of need, and b) our finances were no-one else's business.

I now have 3 grown up DC and if any of them need my financial help, that too remains private.

Of course parents can do as they choose with their money but it's definitely a problem if what they choose amounts to gross favoritism between two grown children, rather than the two children just having different needs at the time. Ouch! You might want to do an internet search of "golden child/scapegoat" and see if it fits.

I don't give my kids exactly the same because who can afford that. But I do keep an eye on it, roughly. For ex., one grown child lived with us for a year for free. So when we got a new car, we decided to give the old one to the other child, who needed a better car at the time. And so on.

If one needs help and the other doesn't at that time, I will also mention it to the one who is not in need of our help then, to be sure they understand that it's not favoritism, it's just helping everyone get by as needed.

I also pick up little things for them here and there if I see something one of them would like, but keep a bit of an eye on that too. Nobody wants to feel like the other one is preferred, especially if the disparity is enormous. It would be different if one grown child was disabled or something and required a lot more extra assistance.

SIL got £10k for a house deposit and all her wedding paid for. DH got nothing. No backstory. They've plenty of money.
Very hurtful, and just made us want to see a lot less of them tbh. So inevitably less of their GC too. That favouritism has forever tainted our opinion of them and doesn't get rewarded with lots of our time and effort in my book.

My Mum always treats me and my siblings the same. If she gives one of us money for something, she always makes sure the rest of us get exactly the same. That’s the way it should be.

I have two daughters and gave one a substantial deposit for a house and a few years later when my youngest was looking at buying a house - she got exactly the same. I would not dream of only giving one and cannot understand how a parent cannot be fair.

@RedMarauder definitely not the case. If anything it’s the other way round.. cousins parents are alcoholics and other family members have always stepped in to help out their dc. I prob wouldn’t be so bitter if my cousin wasn’t the sort of person who told me the day before my wedding he and his fiancé weren’t coming because they wanted to watch the football (that’s £200 and 2 seats at my wedding I’ll never get back)

Does your sibling have children? Sister has been gifted a car and various household items (washing machine, beds, tumble dryer) but she’s a single mum and drives my mum all over. I don’t consider it a big deal.

My father bought my brother a house
FIL bought SIL a house
We have had a little help with about 20 years ago (5k?)

We are not at all resentful. They both needed it, we didn't. They are both massively beholden, we are free!

I'm one of 4. Growing up we were bought "big things" (like a laptop or bike) according to need. We had our university fees paid, except my brother who didn't go, but he lived at home rent free for many years as he was the youngest.

My mum came into quite a bit of money when my dad died. I was 23. Since then she has wanted to share it out between us when we need it. We have all received a house deposit and she has paid for all of our weddings. My brother again, received more for the house deposit as he was single when he decided to buy, so found it harder alone (he has never had to pay rent in his life). Supposedly he will repay the extra when he sells up - we'll see! However my deposit was received first, so went the furthest in terms of house price inflation.

My mum has also given each of us equal lump sums a couple of times - most recently £10k when my sister wanted to convert her garage, something she would never afford otherwise.

So my mum does a mix of "paying for the same thing at different life stages" and "giving the exact same amount at the same time". I think it's a good method.

I can see why OP is upset as she has had nothing compared to her sister (and the car was directly comparable), plus there is nothing to suggest she will get the house deposit and wedding in future (my mum always made this very clear).