To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

[GoldenLabbie]

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

I usually find myself against the prevailing opinion on MN about this, but I think if one child really needs money and the other doesn't, it's not very sensible to give them the same. Fair doesn't = the same.

I know people say "well I worked hard and became a lawyer and my sister preferred partying and works in Tescos" (nothing wrong with working in Tescos and the pandemic has shown we need supermarket workers more than lawyers but salary levels do not reflect that) but whatever your life choices, you don't need as much money from your parents as she does.

However straight-forward favouritism is a problem and I accept that it can be difficult to draw the line between that and favouring a child because they have less than the other one.

I'd hope that if siblings got on, they would also help each other.

I get it OP. If I had more than one child they would have the same. My DGM gave one of my cousins money and left money specifically for her in her will. That isnt fair and true to form she believed she should have had more. I was the one who cared for her.

I wonder if the money is now all gone. I would be tempted to say that your sister has the responsibility of care for your parents.

It's not about the money, it's about the favouritism.

It could be any situation, where parents are willing to offer one child far more than another (whether that's money/time/affection whatever) - understandably it hurts. On a deeper level the OP is not asking for the money because of the money itself, but to reassure herself that she is as important to her parents as her sibling is, and has now been left doubting that, which is painful.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

No, you're definitely not being unreasonable to feel upset.

It's not the money so much (although that sounds like it would really help you) as what the money symbolises.

Your parents are unequal in showing their love & care. THey are unfair at a really basic level. That must really hurt.

I imagine it's because you don't ask, that they think you don't need their care. It's something for us all to remember.

OP, for whatever reason, your DM is unwilling to make good her offer to match what she gave your sibling. I think the best way forward is to release her by saying something like, "Mum, I'm regretting I asked and you seem to be regretting you said yes, so let's both forget about it."

If she ever decides to make you a gift, she has your bank details, but if you expect nothing, you can't be disappointed.

Also, however you learned about what your sibling had been given, you need to close that channel down by telling the person you just don't need or want to know other people's financial business.

Hold your head up, stay independent, clear that little debt and be proud of managing your own affairs.

We are about to gift my youngest a large sum of money to help her buy her own flat. She works hard but we live in the South so even a flat is out of reach as a single person unless you are a solicitor or a doctor etc. She has 2 jobs and can still only raise a mortgage for half the cost of the flat. She has a 10% deposit.
We are giving it to her as a long term loan (we have agreed up to 10 years). I have spoken with both her siblings about it - they are both in long term relationships with a good income and can both afford to buy 3 bedroom houses with their partners. They are both fine about it and understand why we are doing it.
Treating your children equitably doesn't mean treating them the same

YANBU my parents have always gifted my sibling and I the same because they don’t want anyone to feel left out..my brother gets money for a new fence, I get the same money etc. The funny thing is neither of us care about it being fair but maybe that’s because it always has been! I would feel the same as you if my mother acted like that though, she should at least be honest with you if she never intends to do it.

Mine all got a bit of support when they were students, driving lessons, a car when they needed one and help towards a house deposit, though one hasn't got to that yet. It has been more or less the same things but all at different times, which is my version of fair but not equal. If I'd given out the house deposit to the others when the first got it, one of them would probably have blown it all. As it is, it's there waiting, intact and earning interest.

I’ve never asked for anything in my life. My sibling on the other hand has never been backwards in coming forwards when it comes to asking for money and has always received it funnily enough. I just assumed it would be the same for me

I've seen this patter a lot over the years. One of my siblings did it a bit during her late teens & early twenties, but although I never asked, I was also given some support, so there wasn't the unfairness that you're experiencing. But my sibling definitely asked & got more, because she asked.

It's not fair and it can feel really hurtful.

@lughnasadh

I think you are utterly unreasonable.

I would never give my children money 'just because', but according to need.

And grabby adult children who ask for money would get precisely nothing, unless there were extenuating circumstances.

No matter how 'unfair' people think it is, parents know their children better than anyone, and act accordingly. And they don't usually like them all the same, relationships grow or flounder, and change.

You think it is unreasonable of a child to wish to be brought up thinking that their parents love, like and treat them equally to any other siblings, and not like an inferior? Wow.

In my view any parent who leaves a child feeling like OP is doing a very poor job.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to feel hurt at the disparity. My half sister (25 years younger than me) has got a house paid for, a car and now a full wedding, as well as all the educational expenses (which I did get and do feel very grateful for.) I understand that the generational expectations are really different now, but it does sting just a bit. BUT it also feels really good to have bought my own house, car, wedding without being at all beholden, as a couple of others above have noted.

Treating your children equitably doesn't mean treating them the same

Absolutely @99victoria but do you think @GoldenLabbie 's mother is behaving "equitably"? Her daughter could do with some support, but is not receiving it, when the other daughter has received support for pretty much the same things.

Your mother is outrageously unreasonable to pretend that she's going to give you the money then give weak excuses. If she doesn't want to give you money for debt but would help with something tangible like a car then she definitely should have said so.

Is this the first time she's shown blatant favoritism?

I don't agree that a gift to one child necessarily needs to be replicated for the next because in my experience it balances out over the long term but my kids are teens so the biggest cost has been car related and one is below driving age.

It does seem unfair

Why can't your sibling get a car on finance?

Parents could give you both £5k and sibling could still get a really good car for that. Why spend £10k if you do t have that much money

My parents are ridiculously fair and always give the same to all children

Anyway. On another note are the words 'given' or 'gave' no longer in the dictionary?

Could it be the case that she doesn't have the same amount available and is embarrassed?

When you treat your children unequally they will come to resent you and their sibling who got it all.

My sister was the golden princess. I was sent to school with holes in my shoes and skirts from the second hand market. As soon as I began work every pound I gave my mother for my "keep" went onto my sisters back to provide her with new school uniforms and frilly topped party socks.

When I was older I never let my parents forget that they had treated us unequally and there is still a coldness between my sister and I.

The irony is that when I moved away and my father died my sister ended up looking after my hypochondriac mother. When she whinged about it I felt that was the hand of karma.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted at some of this responses.

OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable at all! Myself and my DB were treated absolutely equally in every regard and my parents have always been transparent with us both

When getting on the property ladder, they gifted us both equal amounts when we needed it. Contributed equally to our respective weddings. Gifted us the same amounts for first car etc. Even so far as they helped out my DB buy a new sofa set after a small house fire. They knew we also were saving for a new boiler at the time so gave us the equal amount to put towards that.

Now we are both in our 40s, my DB and his family have struggled the last year with Covid while myself and my DH have been lucky to not. My DParents came to us and said they were going to financially help out my DB and DSIL until they were back on their feet but couldn't afford to give us equal. Of course we didn't expect equal and were not in the same situation and thanked them for all their help getting started in life but we're now beyond the 'like for like' we had in our 20s. The point is, they wanted to be transparent and not show any favouritisms

The equal financial support was always to help us get started in our adult life and never asked for, but they insisted on fair and equal.

It doesn't sound in this instance that your DSIS is struggling and this is a one off, it sounds and probably feels like playing favourites.

YADNBU

@GoldenLabbie
Well you will only have to do caring duties if you want to
Your parents can’t force you to do anything

I think it depends on the situation. If one of my kids was getting gifted £5k the other 2 would as long as they were not drug abusers or alcoholics then I would hold the funds to help them. I probably would gift one child extra money for something like IVF or to escape a violent relationship though if I could afford to.

Fair is not always equal....erm yes it it!

A more successful child should not be penalised because their sibling is more needy, or less well off.

My parents gave my sister the deposit for her first house, I scrimped and saved and bought my first house myself. (the gift, was kept a secret for many years.) if i'd know there were massive financial handouts from being a financial fuckwit, I could have had much more fun in my twenties.
I see much less of them, and Jesus help them when they need care, because I won't be helping.

I'd never treat my children differently, it breeds resentment and is very damaging for the child who isn't favoured.

Take a step away OP, they don't love you as much.

It’s their money. They can do whatever they want with it

YANBU to feel left out and YADNBU to be annoyed by the tooing and froing.

My mother is one of 4, siblings 1, 2 & 4 have each received an amount off my grandparents (their parents) to help with a house deposit. These were similar amounts (sub 5k) but as each sibling was buying in different areas and at different points in time - were "worth" more or less - but that's life and no one feels hard done by and is relatively fair.

However Sibling no. 3 recieved a very large amount for a house deposit and has being regularly "bailed out" by my grandparents. It's not the actual value of the money that rankles, it's the disparity in how much help and support that one sibling has had.

@lughnasadh

I think you are utterly unreasonable.

I would never give my children money 'just because', but according to need.

And grabby adult children who ask for money would get precisely nothing, unless there were extenuating circumstances.

No matter how 'unfair' people think it is, parents know their children better than anyone, and act accordingly. And they don't usually like them all the same, relationships grow or flounder, and change.

This is probably one of the nastiest posts I've seen on Mumsnet.

So, OP - despite feeling hurt you are utterly unreasonable (apparently your feelings aren't valid)
You don't need it - I see your sibling obviously needed a house deposit, a free car and a wedding. Shame on you for being a single, grabby renter! How dare you ask for money?

And on top of that, this takes the biscuit, parents don't usually like them all the same.

Your mum likes your sibling better according to this poster and so that makes it ok. How dare you think you should be treated fairly when your DM prefers one of you to the other...

I would never dream of favouritising one child over another and would always even things out with my kids . I am gobsmacked at all the responses of how op is just being grabby. It is just downright hurtful to help out one but not another. It’s not about the money as such it’s the message about how a child is being treated differently and better. It makes me think of all the private school threads and how you must send all kids to private school or none at all. I don’t ever see anyone posting it’s the parents money so their choice to do as they wish .

People have a lot of emotional attachment to money and in particular when they are giving it away. If I child said to me they want help with a house, help with a car, help with a wedding - maybe your mum wants to do these things for you and a) she wasn't expecting to need to give you the money now and doesn't have it and b) she wants to do these things for you rather than give you money towards your debts. You are asking for the money to start saving - she might want to do the grand gesture of topping up your money when you are putting an offer in for a house. It is a little bizzare to ask for money so you can start saving.