To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

[GoldenLabbie]

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

OP, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.
Infact, even if you were a billionaire and your sibling was in debt, the money should still be shared equally.

Are you and your sibling different genders OP? I wonder if that could have something to do with treating you differently. And could you give more info on your comparative financial situations? Does your sibling need money more than you? My parents always said from each according to their ability, to each according to their need. However I don't think they would ever have been as unfair as this unless there were drastically different circumstances

@GoldenLabbie could you have a conversation with your mother which isn't about the actual money, but about how the disparity of treatment between her two daughters makes you feel?

Maybe start by saying to her to forget about giving you money, but ask her how she thinks you might feel about the inequity between the 2 of you. It's not clear from what you post that your sister's actual needs are greater than yours. In fact, if you are single & renting, your financial needs are likely to be far the greater.

Can you simply tell her how this makes you feel?

YABU My Dad gave me money for a deposit for a flat when I was a student. I have no idea what money he gave other siblings - but they did take offence that I received this cash...they were not aware that I paid my Dad back 3 times the sum he gave me...he did not ask for the money, he didn't want it back but I wanted to give it to him. My shitty siblings spent a lot of time festering over it - my brother was given all the family land but still wants to measure up what I got!
I have spent unequal amounts on my kids, one needed more than the other - the one who didn't receive was lucky not to need to. As we age I will hold no truck with this nonsense - we will give according to need. The will is 50:50 - but life is not fair or equal and we have no favourites we simply want the best for both of them.

I think we can start from the position that no one NEEDS a brand new car outright

While another sibling only gets £1000 towards one

Of course she should treat you both the same

You could ask why she thinks it's fair to treat you differently - the response will be interesting

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. The disparity in treatment is obviously very hurtful to you. My parents helped my siblings financially when they were in real need. I had neither need nor expectation, but they couldn't bear to treat their DC differently, so gave me the same amount as a wedding gift.

Is it possible that your parents are not as financially liquid as you think, and that they are unable to make good the initial agreement?

IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. MONEY.

why do people think they are entitled to money they didn't earn.

It's none of your business what your mum spends her cash on.

You can feel however you feel about it but ultimately you are not entitled to fair treatment.

If you can't treat your children equally, you should have stuck with an only child frankly.

I can't stand parents who show favouritism.

Unless there are urgent and catastrophic medical issues, you do not treat your children differently and you do not give them different amount. That's being a terrible parent. When it's about money, you give the same amount!

And I speak as a parent, my own have alway treated us equally.

Just to add in another dimension to the chat, as a parent to 4 adult children some are better off than the others so it might be a question of need. Also perhaps the OP's parents didn't have the finances at the time to help her buy a car outright but did have the finances for her sister. I try very hard to be fair but sometimes one needs help more than another at that time

YANBU. It is very unfair.

There has always been an obvious favouritism with my parents. From her having better educational opportunities/activities to her being able to afford lots of different experiences as she loved rent free at my parents for years following a relationship breakdown. When I was wearing plastic bags over my socks as my boots had holes in I was given an old pair of my mums which she was getting rid of ( when we bought our first house we had a lot of work needed we hadn't budgeted for as they were hidden).

But what really hurts is that we stayed at my nans for weeks during the holidays and for weekends but my parents have said they wouldn't have my children for any time) they brought it up when we were taking about holiday clubs when DS1 started school) and later told me she was upset that my sister doesn't want children as she assumed she would spent her retirement doing childcare for them.

@Crispynoodle

Just to add in another dimension to the chat, as a parent to 4 adult children some are better off than the others so it might be a question of need. Also perhaps the OP's parents didn't have the finances at the time to help her buy a car outright but did have the finances for her sister. I try very hard to be fair but sometimes one needs help more than another at that time

Totally irrelevant if one is more in need. They have all made their own way in life and got where they are. Completely unfair to penalise one for happening to get a better job etc.

I wouldn't dream of asking a parent for money in this situation. It's none of my business who they give money to and they're under no obligation to share it out equally.
I've got 5 siblings, and a couple of them are hard up and may be getting help from my father but I haven't asked for the details. I don't need to know.

@MayorGundersonsDogRufus

No, OP - you are a grown-up. You don't have any rights to your parents' money and it is theirs to do with as they please. If your sibling is having a hard time and your mum wants to help them out that is totally her decision and nothing to do with you, however begrudged you may feel about it. I speak as someone whose adult sibling has had repeated loans and top-ups from my parents. It's nothing to do with me. I think YABVU.

Absolutely this.

YABU OP.

@wearetheweirdosmr

IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. MONEY.

why do people think they are entitled to money they didn't earn.

It's none of your business what your mum spends her cash on.

You can feel however you feel about it but ultimately you are not entitled to fair treatment.

I agree with this.

However, it is equally no parents business what their adult children spend their time doing, and if they feel they have been treated unfairly then it may well be that they choose to spend their valuable time (and love) elsewhere.

You reap what you sow.

It's not the point that parents can do whatever they want with their money. Of course they can.

But it's pretty shitty to basically tell one child that they don't matter or matter less, and you can't be arsed helping them out.

If you only have 10k, you don't give 9k to one and nothing (or just 1k) to the other because the first one asked. You give 5k to the first one, and at the very least you save the other 5k for the second child.

It's even worst to pretend you want to reward the ones doing less well.

My in laws treat us the same (on the whole as sil. When she needed a new car but couldn't afford it they bought her one and gave us cash. They go as far as buying her things in place of money my kids get as she doesn't have kids.

I would never treat my children so differently.

Entirely reasonable to be hurt at this favouritism. It's not right at all. My friend gave her older daughter, who is married £30K as a deposit on a house, and £6K for a car. all gifts. Her second daughter borrowed £1200 which she had to pay back at £200 a month. Got nothing as a house deposit. Older dd doesn't work, but younger one does.

Bollocks

You are ENTITLED to be loved just as much as your sister

Or they shouldn't have had more children than they could love

We are not talking about a child who actually NEEDS more because they're disabled or they have a horrendous ex husband who abused them and they had to start again

We're talking about parents who quite simply choose to FAVOUR one child over the other by giving them more money or more time or more care or more nurture

Apparently my parents treat us fairly. They buy me things They feel I need for the kids like wipes and nappies, but give my brother lump sums at birthday & Christmas. They think it's fair to include my kids birthday presents in my total. So if my DS gets a £30 present, my brother will receive £30. He doesn't have kids. I'd much prefer a lump sum to do with what I wanted than get a vase I don't want for Christmas whilst my brother gets £60. It's a form of controlling and giving the golden child. My parents are arses anyway.

So Op parents are weird, I understand. Sounds like they don't have the money at the moment to give to you.

@lughnasadh

I think you are utterly unreasonable.

I would never give my children money 'just because', but according to need.

And grabby adult children who ask for money would get precisely nothing, unless there were extenuating circumstances.

No matter how 'unfair' people think it is, parents know their children better than anyone, and act accordingly. And they don't usually like them all the same, relationships grow or flounder, and change.

I think you are utterly unreasonable. I give my DC money according to need and then the same amount to the other DC because it’s fair. The DC who doesn’t need it for something specific usually puts it in savings but sometimes it has paid for a holiday that they wouldn’t otherwise have been able to afford but that they never would have asked for a loan to pay for IYSWIM. Both DC have young families so a little cash injection now and then never does amiss. Plus I love them and like to treat them.

It is their money to spas they wish and there are usually two sides to every story.
Superficially, I think it feels unfair and that leads to ill feelings and resentments, not something most parents want.

I have to say, one of mine asking for it would make me more reluctant and I’d be less likely to be generous. We don’t give ours the same. Fair doesn’t necessarily mean the same. We give according to our understanding of their needs. It seems to balance out over time.

@tentosix

Entirely reasonable to be hurt at this favouritism. It's not right at all. My friend gave her older daughter, who is married £30K as a deposit on a house, and £6K for a car. all gifts. Her second daughter borrowed £1200 which she had to pay back at £200 a month. Got nothing as a house deposit. Older dd doesn't work, but younger one does.

A perfect example of why giving ‘according to need’ as some people on here are advocating, is completely wrong and unfair.

Dh's sisters are not well off - we are, if their Mum chooses to gift the inheritance to them alone - it will not be because she didn't love dh - he was always the favourite, he got all the love and attention - it will be according to need. If she doesn't do it we will probably have to.

YANBU. I have the same sort of issue with my sibling; they get so much paid for (their entire wedding, house renovations, home workshop, carS, etc etc) and I got £400 to help pay the excess when I was on SMP and somebody crashed into my park car and drove off without leaving a note. It feels so terribly unfair.