Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

169 replies

GoldenLabbie · 26/05/2021 14:52

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 26/05/2021 17:12

@PegasusReturns

This is MN so by the time I’ve posted this you’ll have been accused of being lazy, grabby and likely “vile” to boot.

It’s absolutely reasonable to be upset by a parent treating a sibling significantly differently. Whether that ls financially, emotionally or in some other way.

I don’t think you should expect to the £ equality, but there should be a sense of fairness and it sounds like there has been none in your mothers decision.

My thoughts exactly.
MotherOfDragon20 · 26/05/2021 17:12

YABU. Of course I don’t know the exact details of you, your siblings or your parents financial situations but I absolutely don’t think your parents “owe” you (I presume an adult) anything. Over the years my parents have given my brother a huge amount of money. My brother and my financial situations are very different and it has never crossed my mind to stamp my feet and demand my parents money (that I don’t need) just to make it “fair”. I know my parents absolutely love us equally however they know he needs more financial support than me and that is all.

SayersScripts · 26/05/2021 17:14

I wonder, are you the eldest child? For whatever reason I see a similar dynamic in lots of families where the "baby" is given a lot more than the oldest (very similar situation in my family). I wonder if it's a residual feeling that the youngest needs more protecting and cushioning from the stresses of life but that the oldest can cope better. I definitely think YANBU though, it must really sting to feel the unequal treatment.

ssd · 26/05/2021 17:14

Totally agree op.

When we married we got a £20 gift voucher from MIL. .dsil got £1000.

LowlandLucky · 26/05/2021 17:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable and i can understand why you are hurt. Your Parents may just think you are sensible and able to look after yourself. Maybe they don't realise that they are being unfair and showing favouritism. I would write to them pointing out you have never asked for help other than a £1k loan. Ask why your sibling has been given so much. Tell them how this makes you feel. Maybe when they see in black and white how differently they treat you and your sibling ,they may just admit they have been very unfair and hurtful

WhatHaveIFound · 26/05/2021 17:15

YANBU to feel hurt as it seems very unfair on you and it's very odd that she pretended she was going to give you money. In the same situation I probably wouldn't have asked her for it, just silently fumed.

Ten years ago I was unexpectedly gifted money by my dad. I suspect he'd bailed my sister out of her debts at that time and thought it fair to give me the same amount.

teaorwine · 26/05/2021 17:16

@GoldenLabbie - I grew up in a family where there was constant difference made between siblings. If you haven't experienced that, its difficult to know how painful it is.
It is your mum's money, she can do what she wants with it - all that is true. What you can do is ask her about it, and explain that it's hurtful - she may or may not take that on board. But it's ok to tell her it hurts and why, that this isn't being grabby but is about being fair.

OwlTwitterings · 26/05/2021 17:18

Treating children equally and fairly, doesn’t mean treating them the same.

So whilst I think YABU, I think your mum should have just said no at the time you asked. However, she probably felt put on the spot and flustered into agreeing.

VanceRefridgeration · 26/05/2021 17:20

@MadMadMadamMim Couldn't agree more. Awful

VanceRefridgeration · 26/05/2021 17:20

@MadMadMadamMim Couldn't agree more. Awful

Wheresriri · 26/05/2021 17:21

YANBU - my siblings and I were treated differently- i would be scrupulous about showing equal treatment.

SafferUpNorth · 26/05/2021 17:22

Good god, I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread... people saying OP is being unreasonable and parents should give to their children 'according to need'. Did OP's sibling really NEED to buy a new car outright, while OP had to pay off her car on finance? That's just blatantly unfair. No wonder OP is hurt by this.

Original poster
GoldenLabbie · 26/05/2021 17:22

To answer some question no my sibling doesn’t have any children. As to how I know about the cash gift, well I know because they bloody well told me! They’ve never really hidden the fact that they’ve offered her financial assistance, it’s always been openly discussed.

When I came to buy my car they offered to help me out, I didn’t ask. I was going to lease a car and they told me not do that, they’d help me and offered to give me a deposit for hire purchase instead. But I’d never have expected them to buy the car outright.

Anyway all of this has been food for thought. As for if they’ve always favoured my sibling. No. That’s just it. They’ve always been very fair.

OP posts:
toconclude · 26/05/2021 17:22

@Noidea2114

Don't worry OP just remind your DSis can do the care when your DM is needing care. And if your DM needs to go into a nursing home they will think about deprevation of asserts and your DS will be taxed.
On the second point that is in fact very unlikely. LAs only look at deprivation of assets in the period AFTER the elders start to or reasonably forsee they need care.
LondonMiss · 26/05/2021 17:23

I can’t really take money from my parents it’s always comes with a catch! But I’m an only child anyway
DP parents have always been 100% fair, even though him and his older sister are in totally different financial positions..
they often bring cheques over for various amounts as they “had to pay his sisters rent again”. I have to be fair to them they know he has no need for the money at all but they insist on fairness.

WowStarsWow · 26/05/2021 17:26

@OwlTwitterings

Treating children equally and fairly, doesn’t mean treating them the same.

So whilst I think YABU, I think your mum should have just said no at the time you asked. However, she probably felt put on the spot and flustered into agreeing.

How are OP's parents treating their children equally and fairly?
Dellaandthedealer · 26/05/2021 17:27

@Tiffanny

It does seem unfair

Why can't your sibling get a car on finance?

Parents could give you both £5k and sibling could still get a really good car for that. Why spend £10k if you do t have that much money

My parents are ridiculously fair and always give the same to all children

Anyway. On another note are the words 'given' or 'gave' no longer in the dictionary?

Totally agree. And yes, what is this word ‘gifted’? I find it very irritating.
JediGnot · 26/05/2021 17:35

@Blankspace101

It’s their money. They can do whatever they want with it Hmm
Like give it out unfairly to ensure that at least one sibling hates them and to increase the chances of the siblings not having a good relationship with each other as they get older.

Parents can do what they want - if they are scum. If they are good parents they will try to do what is best for the whole family and family relations.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/05/2021 17:41

It depends on your family. Mine are very open and supportive. The general principle of fairness is the baseline. As we've got older, one sibling is noticeably worse off than others. This is despite hard work & good life decisions - their spouse has not benefitted from inheritance (and never will), whereas others have. On a couple of occasions parents have provided some help when worst off sibling has been hit with proper shite luck. It's been discussed with everyone, and others have not begrudge this help as they don't need it. Parents have always made sure they only give to one what they could afford to give to all, if it were needed.

Mamanyt · 26/05/2021 17:41

First, life is not fair. It simply is not. Although I do feel your pain, and understand it. Think of it more as this...is your mother giving where the need is most? Is your sibling, maybe, "not quite up for it" in ways that you are? Perhaps you are simply the stronger person, able to weather things better, and, as hard as it is for Mum, she has to allocate funds to the "weak reed." And that could all be utter bunk, but it is worth considering.

nanbread · 26/05/2021 17:50

Do you have a partner and DC OP?

My parents always viewed my sibling as needing more help because they were single, whereas I was coupled up so had someone else to lean on.

Cyw2018 · 26/05/2021 17:54

My parents and then just my mother (after df passed away) gave my DB/SIL tens of thousands towards IVF, whilst at the same times they were doing extensive and expensive renovations on their large home and going on expensive holidays.

Whilst this was going on I became pregnant and suffered hyperemesis and was off work on statutory sick pay for the entire pregnancy. I received no financial help at all from my mother, I think things would have likely been different if DF has still been alive.

This was just a symptom of a much bigger lifelong problem in my mother's attitude, bullying and emotional abuse towards me. I'm now happily no contact with her.

BiBabbles · 26/05/2021 17:56

Am I the only one who thinks the OP shouldn't even know about it?

That was my thinking. My grandfather gave me a small sum when I immigrated. He asked me not to tell my siblings or cousins which I wasn't going to do anyways - nothing good could come from that.

That it's been told to OP seems to be needlessly sticking in a wedge and unreasonable behaviour on whichever family members part (not sure if it's the sibling and/or the mother). It's hard to figure out to be reasonable when there already that unreasonableness involved.

Dustyhedge · 26/05/2021 18:04

My parents have always been equal since we’ve been adults.I would do the same for my own children. If they help one of us, they give the other one the same.

Doris86 · 26/05/2021 18:05

@Mamanyt

First, life is not fair. It simply is not. Although I do feel your pain, and understand it. Think of it more as this...is your mother giving where the need is most? Is your sibling, maybe, "not quite up for it" in ways that you are? Perhaps you are simply the stronger person, able to weather things better, and, as hard as it is for Mum, she has to allocate funds to the "weak reed." And that could all be utter bunk, but it is worth considering.
My sister is absolutely hopeless with money, very free spending and always getting herself in debt. Therefore her need is always the greatest for financial help from my Mum. Does that mean it would be right for my Mum to constantly bail her out and give me nothing?
Swipe left for the next trending thread