To think that if you gift one adult child money you give the other exactly the same?

[GoldenLabbie]

My sibling has recently been gifted a significant amount of money by my parents to buy themselves a car outright. Not a loan to be paid back over time, it was gift. Over the last ten years or my sibling has received help with a deposit for a house and had help to pay for their wedding. I on the other hand was given 1k to put a deposit down on a second hand car and had to pay off the rest on finance. I didn’t mind that at the time, but after finding out about the latest handout its really wound me up a lot. I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself. She initially said yes of course I could, it’s only fair etc. However I’ve noticed ever since there’s been a constant stream of excuses as to why she hadn’t yet given it me. First it was that she didn’t have my bank details to transfer the money over, so obviousIy I gave her them, then it was that she was worried she’d put the details in wrong, then it was that her online banking was down etc. The latest is that she’s cared she’ll be accused of money laundering! (yes really). There’s always a reason why it can’t be given.I’m now reaching the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to give it to me for whatever reason and is stalling and hoping I just forget about it. I’m pretty good with money and it wouldn’t be wasted or frittered away, it would be used for exactly for exactly what I said it would be used for.

It just seems really unfair. Like I’ve said I’ve never asked for anything, ever. The deposit for my car was offered when my old car was falling apart, and I’d never have asked for them to pay for it outright!

And also why even say ‘yes you can have it, it’s only fair’ if you actually mean it? I’d rather her have just said ‘no we can’t help sorry’, at least I’d know where I stood in the pecking order.

So AIBU to feel a bit upset over it? I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being grabby and entitled BTW, but I can’t help but feel miffed.

I totally understand where you're coming from as my older sibling has been 'given' huge amounts over the years. I have been loaned far, far less (always after exhausting every other option and very begrudgingly loaned). No idea why the disparity TBH.

However, I have realised that 'gifts' of money nearly always have an agenda attached. Always. My sibling has been expected to show their appreciation in too many ways and it feels like they are 'owned' by my DPs and will forever be indebted to them, whereas I'm not as I've repaid the loan. Still annoys me though!

I know it seems so unfair but, honestly, you are far better off not letting them have that hold over you.

Slightly off-topic, but If you are struggling with debt, even a small amount, please get in touch with one of the companies that help out with this as it can be really beneficial and save you lots of money and stress.

It is unfair. I'd understand slightly if you had plenty of disposable income and Dsis was unemployable but otherwise it should be fair.

I agree. Treat them the same

Sounds slightly familiar op.

It's not about the money more that my dm treats my sister like a victim and nothing is ever her fault including the overdraft my parents have cleared for her time after time. 🙄

Or for the gardeners to come do her grass and hedges because she hasn't had time (not worked for twenty years,no dc at home full time working partner )

My DDT's loaned me some money to purchase a car and a garden room and I paid back every single penny without fail.

My sibling complained about it and then got gifted a new oven and fridge freezer

It's really not about the money that hurts.

It's the being treated so differently in various ways by parents.

@shivawn

I asked DM if I could have the same amount of money that my sibling had received to a small amount of debt I have and also as a means to start saving for a deposit myself.

Now that I've read your post properly this really made me cringe. Your depth and deposit are your own responsibility, it would be different if your mother had offered you money but to flat out ask her for it in such an entitled way! 🤦‍♀️ How old are you OP?

I don’t think it’s entitled. I’ve never asked for anything in my life. My sibling on the other hand has never been backwards in coming forwards when it comes to asking for money and has always received it funnily enough. I just assumed it would be the same for me. I’ll know better than to ask again though as clearly I was out of order.

Each according to need leads to resentment and unfair treatment. I give my children the same whether one needs it or not. I know people will slate you but I would ask your mother why she has said it will be fair to give it to you and then doesn't. Ask her outright before it festers.

I have four dc varying in age from 10 to adults and they get the same for birthdays xmas etc etc.

When eldest needed a new laptop to start college with we got one and now middle ds needs one for college so we are buying it and il do the same for the others.

We paid for travel passes for the older two until they passed their driving test and will do the same for the younger ones.

If parents are going to ‘help out’ their adult offspring, the sums given need to even out over time. Fairness is important.

If one sibling is being obviously favoured over others, or if one sibling who chooses to behave stupidly or irresponsibly is repeatedly bailed out while others who are sensible get nothing, anger and resentment are inevitable.

Honestly, I'm surprised at some of the responses here. I don't actually feel this is about the money - but the feeling of being left out of something and not feeling worthy enough in your parents eyes.

I'm firmly in the 'people can do what they like with their money' camp but even I can see it must feel hurtful being left out.

My parents have given money to all us children. They have given different amounts depending on need at the time and situations. That feels absolutely right - we haven't all been given the same amount, but also no one has been excluded.

OP YANBU

I think YANU to expect the same exact amounts, your NBU to hope for support from your parents if you ever needed it.
My parents have given each of us help, different amounts at different times for different reasons. I don’t keep a record but that’s because I don’t secretly think I’m less or more favoured than the others (and vice versa). I think this may be more about your overall relationship.

YABU to expect exactly the same amount that should have said!

I agree with you op, if you give one child an amount you should also give the other child the same amount.

YABU

My BIL uses my in-laws like they’re a cash machine. It’s annoying because DH is also held to a much higher standard than BIL. Example - we’d been together for 7 years, had bought a house and were married when we got a dog. FIL told us repeatedly that it was a big commitment and not something you can just change your mind on. We were rushing. BIL got his gf of 5 months pregnant and he was so grown up, so responsible, this was the best thing for him

Personally, I take pride that we aren’t reliant on our parents or have to ask them for money. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone like BIL always relying on his parents or asking for money. It’s not remotely attractive. It’s not even but I don’t want it to be even if it means we have to be seen as the less capable sibling.

I’m not married and I am not a homeowner, so I’ve never needed any help really and just assumed I’d get the same if I ever did. I’ve never asked for anything until now.

Problem is you are asking for the help but your mum suspects you don't need it.

You clearly don't have a relationship with your parents where you tell them enough, so when you need money or support they don't give it to you.

When two of my older siblings brought their first houses, they sat down with my mum, discussed mortgages and went through their finances.

My mum had said to me before hand that she was willing to give them both money for deposits, however in the end she only offered one the money.

This is because the other had sufficient funds so didn't need it. She also brought the one she gave a deposit to a sofa but didn't buy the other one a sofa.

When they got married she was willing again to give them both money towards their weddings. Again one didn't need the same one didn't need it.

Don't worry OP just remind your DSis can do the care when your DM is needing care.
And if your DM needs to go into a nursing home they will think about deprevation of asserts and your DS will be taxed.

YANBU to feel hurt but the asking is a bit cringey. Did your parents pay for you to attend uni or anything similar? That's not cheap. My dd1 hasn't been to uni but dd2 wants to. Obviously we'll finance that so I'll probably help dd1 out with money towards a deposit or a car. Dd2 won't get the same because Uni is thousands.
Lol at the money laundering, my MIL would think that was thing as well!

One of my siblings was given financial help when they got divorced and struggled to make ends meet. I don't think I should have been given anything at that time because I didn't need it, and my parents might not have been able to give them as much as they needed if it has to be split evenly three ways.

Broadly speaking I agree with you, op.
I'd never deliberately make a difference between my kids to that extent. It's totally different to just picking up a trinket you've spotted because you think one of your kids will like it, or buying something relatively small one has asked for when the other don't need anything at that particular time.

Wow I can’t believe how many on here think it’s ok to treat their children so very differently. Not going to read all the comments but whilst I don’t expect it my parents give me and my siblings the same around abouts

I would need a very strong justification to treat my DC differently. I am pretty certain my DDad helped my DB more than me but that was with my agreement (I don’t know the numbers) because I am a much higher earner. So if there is a good reason it may be fair to treat siblings differently but the starting point should be parity.

I don’t think YABU at all. Maybe that’s because my spoilt sibling is constantly putting their hand out for money and I never do.
I don’t expect my parents to ‘even it up’ because I’m quite proud of never having scrounged off them but it does grate that they constantly bailed her out. Debts. Money to travel. New car. You name it, she asked for it.

You are both being a bit unreasonable, but I can empathise with you. Firstly, I think it is unfair that she has paid for your sibling's car outright but gave you 1k towards a car, and I'm assuming that your sibling's car cost a lot more than that. I also think it's unfair that your mum has agreed to give you the money but keeps making up excuses, she should be honest with you.

However I do think you are being a bit grabby. I'm assuming your debt is small and manageable, I wouldn't want to use a chunk of money to pay off my child's debt like that when the money can help them in another way when they need it. Do you actually need this money right now?

I think when parents help out with deposits they usually add to what their child has already saved, so I think it's unusual to ask your mum for the money towards a house deposit now when you haven't started saving for a house yet.

I have experience of this on both sides. My grandma paid thousands towards my brother's car, but I got fuck all. When I had a baby, my mum helped out with buying so many things for us, it's a lot of money to my mum, she is not wealthy by any means. My other siblings haven't had children and probably won't any time soon, they could ask her for their share of the money too. But of course she would help them out once/if they have kids of their own or if something else crops up they need help with.

@Noidea2114

Don't worry OP just remind your DSis can do the care when your DM is needing care. And if your DM needs to go into a nursing home they will think about deprevation of asserts and your DS will be taxed.

That’s another thing as I know the caring responsibilities will be left to me 100%

YANBU but I think you put your mum on the spot which is why she said yes initially. Asking for money to pay off debts and start saving a deposit does sound a bit like please give me the same amount as my sister. It may be that if you'd been more specific ('Mum, when I'm in a position to buy a property would you be able to help me out with the deposit? Or 'Mum, I can't afford to pay my xxx this month, would you be able to help me out?') the answer would have been yes and she'd have had time to get her head round it. I think you need to let go of this one now and try not to be resentful.

I strongly disagree. I think it's better to treat your children fairly, rather than equally and be generous when the need is there, if you can.

One of our children had car lessons paid for, substantial monthly tops ups while at uni and lived rent free for a year while they saved to rent.

The other had half their wedding costs paid for and substantial financial support when that abusive marriage failed.

If we had given equal amounts at the same time there wouldn't have been enough money in the kitty to help the next time something was required. Over the years the amounts have been more or less the same for each child. Both are grateful, neither is resentful.