To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Agree completely with poster above who said feminism is about CHOICE.

When mothers first started working, other ignorant, narrow minded women attacked them as they were the minority.

And now that staying at home is the minority choice - ignorant, narrow minded women like the poster above are attacking SAHM mums.

The reality is that the modern way of balancing full time work and young children makes a lot of women very unhappy. Pretending that it’s all fine and that all women should be happy with their lot undermines the valid feelings of many mothers and is pretty in-feminist.

Time out of work to raise toddlers should be given the respect it deserves - and women should be empowered by society to do this both financially and culturally if they want to.

Agree completely with poster above who said feminism is about CHOICE
It isn't though.
It's about women being afforded the same opportunities as men. It's about women being equal to men. It's about tackling the systemic oppression of women simply for being women.

@FlippinFedUp21

Why can’t she leave her job???!!! Is her job the be all and end all?

Will she never ever be able to get another job ever again. Are we all such wage slaves that taking a tiny bit of time out will ruin our lives forever. Because if so god help us all.

Please can someone point me in the direction of legalisation around SAHM being a job protected by law. Not even sure what that means but I'm more than happy to be educated on the matter.

Women being afforded the same opportunities as men (ie multiple opportunities to choose from) sounds very much like choice to me.

So much navel gazing on this thread

While so many men are getting on with their lives

Women are endlessly talking and debating on threads like this on mumsnet

Again you're just screwing with my words. Feminists fought for the contribution made by women who stay at home to be considered equal. How can you read anything in to this? It just means that it is a legitimate and equal contribution to the family's situation. It doesn't come at the expense of working women, it doesn't undermine anyone. You are the only one undermining the choices of others. Stop!!

@LolaSmiles

Agree completely with poster above who said feminism is about CHOICE It isn't though. It's about women being afforded the same opportunities as men. It's about women being equal to men. It's about tackling the systemic oppression of women simply for being women.

Exactly. And what feminism most certainly is not is a manifesto to encourage women to chuck in their jobs and sell their houses in order to fulfil their "choice" to have a couple of extra years at home with their kids at their husband's expense.

Nothing wrong with doing this is the stars align for you to do so. But please let's stop positioning this as a feminist choice.

[quote FlippinFedUp21]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Volunteering isn't employment, it's volunteering. Don't know who would class that as a job, and if someone is "employing" someone without paying them, that's called slave labour.

So no, I don't disdain volunteers.

I don't disdain SAHMs either, I just can't believe people justify that decision by saying it's work. Lots of comments on here looking down on working mums because they don't have the inclination (or financial security) to spend every waking moment with their child. Accusing them of having nursery workers "raise" their kids for them.

If you haven't got a job you are unemployed. That is FINE if that is a financially viable option within your household. But very few people have that option. Most people have to work to maintain a decent standard of living and to ensure their children are provided for. Actively encouraging women to quit their jobs, sell their homes, move to an area with potentially fewer opportunities, just so they don't have to work a few hours a week is downright irresponsible and feeds into the notion that women should sacrifice their own opportunities, their own ability to look after themselves and their families financially is somehow wrong.[/quote]
I just can't believe people justify that decision by saying it's work.

Perfect! I’m absolutely knackered to be honest. What time should I expect you to come and take over?
It shouldn’t be too hard for you to look after my two (4 and 2). They’re fairly well behaved and I’ve got all the day’s activities planned and organised ready to go. I’ll leave you a list of all the house stuff that needs doing at the same time.
Shall we say straight after your real work you can come and do all my non-work?
Thanks 😊

“FlippinFedUp21

I have already said if you can afford to be a SAHM, good for you. I'm sure millions would love to be in that very same position. How fantastic it would be to not have to work. But not an option for the vast majority of people.

Stop encouraging the OP to leave her job and sell her house!“

Not all SAHMs can ‘afford’ it in the sense of being able to stay at home without considerable sacrifices, but it can nevertheless be a valid choice.

It seems unwise to sell your house though OP if you could instead do as some have suggested and try to get the £350 pm by means of some pt weekend shifts.

@Belinda500

Again you're just screwing with my words. Feminists fought for the contribution made by women who stay at home to be considered equal. How can you read anything in to this? It just means that it is a legitimate and equal contribution to the family's situation. It doesn't come at the expense of working women, it doesn't undermine anyone. You are the only one undermining the choices of others. Stop!!

Sorry, but that is only a very small sliver of what feminists fought for. as @LolaSmiles points out the primary goal of feminism was to address systemic discrimination against women which prevented them having equal rights, financial security and status to men.

The vanguard of this revolution, as anyone who lived through the 1970s knows, was equal opportunity to men in the workplace. Feminists considered all women as deserving of respect and equality but its just not accurate to say that their primary objective was to ensure that women who choose to stay at home were considered equal.

Remaining at home isn't something which women have had to lobby for for decades and it isn't something they face discrimination for wanting to do.

Women don’t face discrimination returning to the workplace after a stint of SAH parenting? They don’t face prejudice and discrimination from all the people arguing that wifework isn’t work? Really?

To the women STILL saying looking after children isn’t work? If I swapped my children with the other children of a SAHM on here, and we paid each other a pretty equal salary, would you be satisfied we are working?

Because the above scenario is the sad reality for women who pay nursery fees with little left over.

And yes you might say .. but at least a they will have preserved their career.

Surely any progressive employer wouldn’t balk at a gap of a couple of years to raise kids. In fact some corporate companies have back to work schemes specifically targeting previously high flirting women who took time out.

I was a SAHM for 5 years.
No family support whatsoever

I enjoyed it. Ups and down. “Work” it was not!! And I never argued that it was. I would have felt positively embarrassed to.

Now I’m back at work. Very different.

Still can't find anything about "SAHM" being a role protected by law as stated upthread. As a few of you have pointed out I'm clearly a very ignorant person so obviously not using the right search terms. A direct link to this information would be really appreciated.

@FlippinFedUp21

I have already said if you can afford to be a SAHM, good for you. I'm sure millions would love to be in that very same position. How fantastic it would be to not have to work. But not an option for the vast majority of people.

Stop encouraging the OP to leave her job and sell her house!

Now we start the whole 'if you're soooo privileged to be ABLE to sty at home' argument. A billion eye rolls.

I pay OP the respect of believing she can make up her own mind.

@Sometimesfraught82

I was a SAHM for 5 years. No family support whatsoever

I enjoyed it. Ups and down. “Work” it was not!! And I never argued that it was. I would have felt positively embarrassed to.

Now I’m back at work. Very different.

Well said

On divorce a SAHM’s contribution to the family is recognized legally and financially.

If a woman has run the house and looked after kids enabling the DH to focus on building up a successful business - that is taken into account in the dividing of assets.

@Sometimesfraught82

I was a SAHM for 5 years. No family support whatsoever

I enjoyed it. Ups and down. “Work” it was not!! And I never argued that it was. I would have felt positively embarrassed to.

Now I’m back at work. Very different.

I've done both too. Had my husband left me, my contribution would have been considered equal to his for that period. Whether or not YOU think it's work is immaterial. It is considered work under the law. Why do people think their opinion matters more than the law?

I wasn’t approaching it from a legal viewpoint

When I was a sahm I would have felt bloody embarsssed saying it was the was the equivalent to a job. It simply wasn’t! Ups and down, sometimes hard work, loads of lovely times. But like a paid job? Nah, not even close.

Advert for a live in nanny for 45,000 below.

Someone better tell these people looking their child isn’t “real” work and she should probably do it for free!

And all of those looking after their own children better get back to the office and do some “proper” work soon.

Get back to the office has become the new get back in the kitchen!! Only this time it’s other women hurling the abuse, often under the guise of feminism!

uk.indeed.com/m/viewjob?jk=fc58d91284cc1ad2&from=serp

There must be plenty of families for whom it is not an option for both parents to work- because nursery fees could cost more than they would earn.

@TatianaBis

Remaining at home isn't something which women have had to lobby for for decades and it isn't something they face discrimination for wanting to do.

Women don’t face discrimination returning to the workplace after a stint of SAH parenting? They don’t face prejudice and discrimination from all the people arguing that wifework isn’t work? Really?

Women do face discrimination returning to the workplace after a stint of SAH parenting, of course they do.

But the solution to that isn't to argue that remaining at home with children is the best position for these women! It's to make it easier for women with children to work!

@Sometimesfraught82

What not like nannying or being a cleaner or a housekeeper?

Think how much you would have to have paid people to do your roles if you’d chosen to work.

Can you really not see that your ‘embarrassment’ at calling it a job is partly due to the denigration of women’s work in the home?

Budget, move, remortgage, get a weekend / evening job do whatever you need to get the time now with your son, you’ll never get it back £350 a month doesn’t sound worthwhile to me x