To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

I cannot believe so many posters are suggesting you're unreasonable having these valid feelings. Maybe herein lies the problem!
I'm reading a great book - invisible women -it makes it very clear that we are not in equal times and women suffer because of this. Females do 75% of all unpaid care work across the globe. That's is huge. Even when they and their partners are both working.
Yes, your feeling are valid, yes, there is something wrong with outsource your childcare if it feels so wrong in your case. Do you need all the things you have in your life, can anything be cut back? Moving somewhere cheaper sounds sensible. Some way of cutting your costs. How does husband feature in all this. I imagine like so many partnerships he doesn't pull the same weight as you do.
Best of luck getting what you need. Your feelings are totally valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 💐

I think another factor is that nobody starts out thinking "oh, I just need to find a rich husband", or certainly few would admit it.

However, once they're happily married and the husband gets that big promotion and suggests that they don't need to go back to work as his salary is enough.....well, the figures seem to suggest that quite a few are more than happy to oblige.

@Mumkins42

I cannot believe so many posters are suggesting you're unreasonable having these valid feelings. Maybe herein lies the problem! I'm reading a great book - invisible women -it makes it very clear that we are not in equal times and women suffer because of this. Females do 75% of all unpaid care work across the globe. That's is huge. Even when they and their partners are both working. Yes, your feeling are valid, yes, there is something wrong with outsource your childcare if it feels so wrong in your case. Do you need all the things you have in your life, can anything be cut back? Moving somewhere cheaper sounds sensible. Some way of cutting your costs. How does husband feature in all this. I imagine like so many partnerships he doesn't pull the same weight as you do. Best of luck getting what you need. Your feelings are totally valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 💐

What people are pointing out as unreasonable is the OP’s idea that working mothers are some new thing, driven by house prices and the 21st c cost of living. Her wish to stay at home with her child is not unreasonable.

* I cannot believe so many posters are suggesting you're unreasonable having these valid feelings. *

The OP is in AIBU

Is it really so shocking to you?

‘Do all the mum stuff like swimming lessons’
Give me strength

@user1487194234

‘Do all the mum stuff like swimming lessons’ Give me strength

You enjoy every bit of your job?

Oh sorry wrong thread

Why do so many women end up in low paid jobs where returning to work post kids is not financially feasible?

Is it because they always know that one dsy they will give up work to have kids and rely on a husband to support them? They'll be the main childcare

But women should be encouraged to return to work and keep their career. Even if that means they break even

It's important not to keep spreading this message of hopelessness for women

Let's tell our daughters they have more than one option. They are not to rely on a man and they are not expected to stay home with a baby for years

Yes? You have a problem with this?

@user1487194234

‘Do all the mum stuff like swimming lessons’ Give me strength

What's with the aggressive bitchiness? Staying home with children is all about this stuff. If you only measure women's with in terms of money then of course you're not going to value these things. I have post grad qualifications and have had quite a career but I used to love the gym dates, the swimming lessons, the lunches. How dare you snort at this!!

I don't know if this has already been suggested, but on the Money Matters board there is a long-running thread to make £10 a day, with many making a lot more than that. If all you need to clear is £350 a month to match your current circumstances, definitely check it out.

here is the May 2021 thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/4233067-earn-10-day-may-thread-may-the-money-earning-force-be-with-you

You sound like me when mine were babies. It sucks and women feeling like this is one of the reasons for the success of the MLM vultures. Watch out for them - they’ll give you false hope and suck all your money out of you.

We are stuck between a rock an a hard place if we own our own home. If you were renting, you’d get universal credit and be better off. You’d get support with childcare costs and at least be able to breathe financially (though you’d still have to work). But you would only have to work 16 hours. So you would have better quality time with your child. As a home owner, you get nothing on the same income level because you’re paying your own mortgage rather than someone else’s.

I struggled but then started working around my day job as a copywriter. If you have any skills as a virtual assistant, writer, designer etc you can build your own freelance business. And £350 isn’t much to find to start being at least as well off as you are in full time work. Fiverr, Upwork and PeoplePerHour are places you can pitch for work.

The main drawback is the utter lack of guaranteed work. You need to build a portfolio, design yourself a website, and think of ways to find work. There are tonnes of FB groups etc where you can get support. But if you have admin skills you can be a VA on 10-15 an hour plus. A lot of women I know do this for this exact reason.

(Oh, book-keeping is also something you can do remotely and you can get short courses in the basics.)

Hope that helps.

Seeing people advising the OP to sell her house and move to a cheaper area so she doesn't have to work - absolutely shocking IMO.

It IS unreasonable to want to stay at home and not work. Having a child doesn't suddenly make unemployment a viable life option.

What do you do when your children grow up and you have no work experience and you realise you've lost any chance of regaining employment in order to build up a decent retirement and protect yourself from financial hardship?

What happens if the OP's marriage breaks down and she's on her own suddenly, with no means of making an income? Would anyone suggest she doesn't work then?

Feelings are one thing, I'm sure if money was no object many of us would stay at home. But real life means working and providing. It isn't a good idea to tell someone to sell their flippin house and move to a cheaper area for the sake of a couple of days work a week! Flipping ridiculous!!

*Belinda500

user1487194234
‘Do all the mum stuff like swimming lessons’
Give me strength
What's with the aggressive bitchiness? Staying home with children is all about this stuff. If you only measure women's with in terms of money then of course you're not going to value these things. I have post grad qualifications and have had quite a career but I used to love the gym dates, the swimming lessons, the lunches. How dare you snort at this!!*

It’s a strange contradiction isn’t it? If you’re a swimming instructor teaching other children to swim, or a childminder who takes the children in her care swimming you’re a valid member of society. If you take your own children swimming then you’re fair game for mocking and sneering.

OP living within your means gives you more choice. Feelings do actually matter and there will always be criticism of anyone who doesn't follow the crowd, you just need to find a better crowd.

At the same time, look after your future, prepare for work in an area that is likely to be in demand. You absolutely can stay home with your child and enjoy every day as much as possible. Being prepared for unplanned events like marital breakdown and just returning to the workforce when you're ready etc. will provide some protection.

The days I spent hosing mud off my naked children in our back yard and just watching them play without the constant pressure of work over rides the memories of our cracked ceilings and lack of money. We got through it.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

*Belinda500

user1487194234
‘Do all the mum stuff like swimming lessons’
Give me strength
What's with the aggressive bitchiness? Staying home with children is all about this stuff. If you only measure women's with in terms of money then of course you're not going to value these things. I have post grad qualifications and have had quite a career but I used to love the gym dates, the swimming lessons, the lunches. How dare you snort at this!!*

It’s a strange contradiction isn’t it? If you’re a swimming instructor teaching other children to swim, or a childminder who takes the children in her care swimming you’re a valid member of society. If you take your own children swimming then you’re fair game for mocking and sneering.

Yes, I think it's sad and alienating for those who can for whatever reason, take time out to do this stuff. Totally unfair.

This is your reality and it feels horrible and inescapable. You don't need people to validate this, trust your reality of how it feels.

Me and my husband earn over £80k jointly and can't save for a deposit for a house in our area and with the housing bubble the prices shot up yet again.
My youngest is 8 and I have only just got to a point where I can reduce my days, my eldest has now finished uni and has moved back home and middle is about to go to uni, so it is a revolving door and we can't get a smaller house.
My son suffered from depression a year ago and said that all life was about was being educated to get a good enough job to pay tax to repay for his childhood education. It was so sad to hear a teeneager sum up life like that and it really can feel bleak at times.
To all replies who have the 'we all go through it so suck it up attitude' yes, we all are going through this so show a little compassion for a new mum who wants to hold her child for as long as she can. Most parents will relate to this at some point, but this whole attitude of gratitude shit is a way of making women feel they should be grateful for having it all and being even more oppressed.
Sending hugs, YANBU xx

@FlippinFedUp21

Seeing people advising the OP to sell her house and move to a cheaper area so she doesn't have to work - absolutely shocking IMO.

It IS unreasonable to want to stay at home and not work. Having a child doesn't suddenly make unemployment a viable life option.

What do you do when your children grow up and you have no work experience and you realise you've lost any chance of regaining employment in order to build up a decent retirement and protect yourself from financial hardship?

What happens if the OP's marriage breaks down and she's on her own suddenly, with no means of making an income? Would anyone suggest she doesn't work then?

Feelings are one thing, I'm sure if money was no object many of us would stay at home. But real life means working and providing. It isn't a good idea to tell someone to sell their flippin house and move to a cheaper area for the sake of a couple of days work a week! Flipping ridiculous!!

I agree with this. It's perfectly reasonable to feel sad about not being able to spend more time with your children.

I wouldn't say its unreasonable to want to stay at home and not work. And if your circumstances allow for this, fine. But advising women to actively sabotage their own financial security by selling high quality asset or walking out of a job just to preserve some nostalgic elysian idea about children being better served by having a mother at home is dangerously misguided.

Some of these comments...
What if you get divorced...
What about when your child grows up and you have no skills and experience for going back to work....

Life does not stop when you have a child and working just in case you might divorce suggests mentally having one foot out the door. So sad that this is how women feel they have to live.

There are ways to be a mum and have a great life, I went back to work after being a sahm, it can work

Op I don’t know if anyone else has suggested this but have you considered looking after another child with yours I.e small childminder business to allow you to stay home with your child?

If you only need to clear £350 a month what on Earth are you moaning about? Use your initiative and do something else. Seriously, I cannot cope with people who moan and don’t just do something about it

Life does not stop when you have a child and working just in case you might divorce suggests mentally having one foot out the door. So sad that this is how women feel they have to live.

Er, close to half of marriages do end in divorce. This is a reality, not just a scary story. Would you rather women stuck their fingers in their ears and crossed their fingers and prayed? I'd rather stay in control of my life, thanks very much.

@mollymoostoo sorry if this is harsh but I tend to tell it like it is rather than kissing a**e but your head is in the clouds if you think working women are mentally checked out of their own marriages because they want to work and contribute to the financial security of their own families.

Being unemployed isn't a viable or sensible option for most people, unless you're wealthy enough that the loss of the sole bread-winner's earnings could tide you over for a significant period of time. Hardly anyone falls under that category.

It's all well and good being pie-eyed about not missing a second of your kid's life but that's just an excuse IMO not to try to get a job. You're supposed to be providing for your child in every way and that includes financially.

Sorry but SAHM isnt a job and someone needs to just say that and be done with it. If you can afford to not work good for you but don't dress it up as some sort of calling in life.

Going part-time for a couple of years isnt the same as opting out of work completely for a long period of time. It's a short term solution which would suit the OP's circumstances.