To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

OP feminists fought tooth and nail to have raising children and running a home considered to be work, an equal contribution. Ignore the aggressive naysayers who would undo that for no other reason than to make SAHMs feel bad about themselves.

It IS work, it's valuable work. As men begin to do it more, women will get the benefit of having such support in their lives. It's between you and your partner, draw up an agreement, value each other. Do as you wish.

@Belinda500

OP feminists fought tooth and nail to have raising children and running a home considered to be work, an equal contribution. Ignore the aggressive naysayers who would undo that for no other reason than to make SAHMs feel bad about themselves.

It IS work, it's valuable work. As men begin to do it more, women will get the benefit of having such support in their lives. It's between you and your partner, draw up an agreement, value each other. Do as you wish.

Absolutely this.

That so many women are brainwashed by the male script.

Feminists fought to have women stay at home and reduce their own prospects...that's a new one on me.

Of course it isn't a job. A job is employment. You aren't employed to stay at home and look after your own children! Having kids is a choice, it isn't a career! Unbelievable.

This isn't intended to bash mums who don't work. If you can afford it, fantastic. But OP can't afford it unless she sells her assets and moves to a more downmarket area. Why would anyone even entertain that idea for the sake of a part time job?!

Feminists fought for women to have the right to choose how to live their lives just as men do. They fought to explain to those at the back that women’s work, wife work - domestic work and childcare is valuable work and indeed hard work.

That is why women’s contribution to marriage is now recognized in divorce, even if they weren’t working.

Its not a job. I cut my own hair during the lockdown. Its not a job it's something I did myself. Same as cleaning your own house snd cooking your own meals. If people want to be at home thats up to them but stop thd ridiculous notion it's a job.

This isn't intended to bash mums who don't work. If you can afford it, fantastic. But OP can't afford it unless she sells her assets and moves to a more downmarket area. Why would anyone even entertain that idea for the sake of a part time job?

You may be terribly snobby and money focused, but moving to a different area for a change of lifestyle is common. If that is the lifestyle OP wants it’s worth doing. Moving more rurally for example is not downmarket.

@Viviennemary

Its not a job. I cut my own hair during the lockdown. Its not a job it's something I did myself. Same as cleaning your own house snd cooking your own meals. If people want to be at home thats up to them but stop thd ridiculous notion it's a job.

Yes but cutting your own hair is work. You saved yourself 100 bucks. Staying at home is WORK, it is recognised under family law as an equal contribution. Don't change words and then argue against something that wasn't even said. Staying at home isn't a forever choice, it's a brief time. But of course it brings out the nutmegs.

@Viviennemary

Its not a job. I cut my own hair during the lockdown. Its not a job it's something I did myself. Same as cleaning your own house snd cooking your own meals. If people want to be at home thats up to them but stop thd ridiculous notion it's a job.

Impossible to determine if if this patriarchal brainwashing or just stupidity.

No-one has said it was a ‘job’ they said it was ‘work’ which it is. Except that cleaning and laundry absolutely are job, one I pay cleaners good money for.

@Belinda500

OP feminists fought tooth and nail to have raising children and running a home considered to be work, an equal contribution. Ignore the aggressive naysayers who would undo that for no other reason than to make SAHMs feel bad about themselves.

It IS work, it's valuable work. As men begin to do it more, women will get the benefit of having such support in their lives. It's between you and your partner, draw up an agreement, value each other. Do as you wish.

There seems to be an increasing confusion about what feminism means. It seems to have become an article of faith these days that feminism is solely about a woman's right to choose.

Well, up to a point.

Feminism is fundamentally about women having equal rights and opportunities to men.

Feminism can certainly accommodate the idea that a woman who chooses to stay at home and is able to without jeopardising her financial security should be able to. But its a bit of a jump to say feminists fought for a woman's right to be able to stay at home. And from there its a pretty slippery slope to saying that staying at home is a feminist choice.

That's a dangerous position to advocate for, because you make it much harder for those women who want equal participation in the workforce and equal participation from men on the domestic sphere.

So we should be careful putting forward the notion that remaining at home is the optimal feminist choice.

In the 70s my sisIL had 2 part time cleaning jobs , 6am till 7.30am and 5.30 till 7.30 of an evening . These times worked in with her husbands work day so he got them up of a morning and put them to bed at night but she was with them all day . The money must have been the equivalent of your £350 a month if not more and she went back to work once they reached school age .
Maybe something like this for a couple of years would work for you x x

Gosh, so much gaslighting. We've gone from staying home is work and an equal contribution TO ????staying home is optimal feminist choice how dare you!!. Someone staying at home is deserving of respect for their equal contribution UNDER THE LAW. This is because feminists fought hard to have it considered EQUAL!!

Feminism is not a cult, no one has to abide by its rules. Plenty of feminists are free thinking and open- minded, thank goodness.

@thepeopleversuswork

Yes I think you are quite confused about what feminism means.

What has been said is that 1. feminists fought for women’s rights to enable women to have the freedom to choose how to live their lives, without it being determined by patriarchy. 2. That feminists fought to have motherhood respected and understood for its own intrinsic value, and that the work that women do in the home - domestic and childcare is a valuable contribution to the world.

Choosing to stay at home and raise kids is feminist choice if that woman makes it freely as her personal life choice, rather than having it foisted on her by a man or by society - which still happens.

If women feel forced out to work by men or by cultural values that do not recognize the value of SAH parenting, rather than strictly by necessity, they are not expressing true freedom of self determination, but being swayed by a culture that is still largely patriarchal.

[quote FlippinFedUp21]**@mollymoostoo* sorry if this is harsh but I tend to tell it like it is rather than kissing a*e but your head is in the clouds if you think working women are mentally checked out of their own marriages because they want to work and contribute to the financial security of their own families.

Being unemployed isn't a viable or sensible option for most people, unless you're wealthy enough that the loss of the sole bread-winner's earnings could tide you over for a significant period of time. Hardly anyone falls under that category.

It's all well and good being pie-eyed about not missing a second of your kid's life but that's just an excuse IMO not to try to get a job. You're supposed to be providing for your child in every way and that includes financially.

Sorry but SAHM isnt a job and someone needs to just say that and be done with it. If you can afford to not work good for you but don't dress it up as some sort of calling in life.[/quote]
Sorry but SAHM isnt a job and someone needs to just say that and be done with it.

This is laughable. If you paid someone to look after your children and maintain your home and cook your meals, would that be a job? Do you know how much it would cost to employ a SAHM? Is it that fact it’s their own children and their own home or is it the lack of pay? If it’s the lack of pay, do you have disdain for voluntary workers too?

If it’s not a job then please, by all means, come to my house and do it for me 😃

Women who want to go out to work and earn money aren't brainwashed, and to suggest otherwise is gaslighting, pure and simple.

So sick of the SAHM bashing!!

Looking after small children all day is a bloody job! Why do you think nanny’s and childminders get paid to do it!!!

The ignorant poster above would probably applaud the OP if she was paid to look after someone else’s child, just not her own, where is the logic in that!?

Having very small children looked after by others feels very unnatural to lots of women.

Divorce law does give women some protection - it’s not like if you split up you will be entitled to nothing.

So we should be careful putting forward the notion that remaining at home is the optimal feminist choice.

Which nobody has. Valid choice does not mean optimal.

Yes @TatianaBis, quite right.

Part of the problem is the patriarchal economy we live in which means women's work in the workplace AND the home is enormous undervalued and that's one reason why women struggle to earn enough to make any choice feel comfortable.

Depressing.

This is laughable. If you paid someone to look after your children and maintain your home and cook your meals, would that be a job? Do you know how much it would cost to employ a SAHM?

It’s actually several jobs - nanny, housekeeper, secretary, cleaner and laundry. And sometimes gardener too.

It would cost a fortune to employ staff to cover SAHM roles.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Volunteering isn't employment, it's volunteering. Don't know who would class that as a job, and if someone is "employing" someone without paying them, that's called slave labour.

So no, I don't disdain volunteers.

I don't disdain SAHMs either, I just can't believe people justify that decision by saying it's work. Lots of comments on here looking down on working mums because they don't have the inclination (or financial security) to spend every waking moment with their child. Accusing them of having nursery workers "raise" their kids for them.

If you haven't got a job you are unemployed. That is FINE if that is a financially viable option within your household. But very few people have that option. Most people have to work to maintain a decent standard of living and to ensure their children are provided for. Actively encouraging women to quit their jobs, sell their homes, move to an area with potentially fewer opportunities, just so they don't have to work a few hours a week is downright irresponsible and feeds into the notion that women should sacrifice their own opportunities, their own ability to look after themselves and their families financially is somehow wrong.

@FlippinFedUp21

Women who want to go out to work and earn money aren't brainwashed, and to suggest otherwise is gaslighting, pure and simple.

They ARE brainwashed if they belittle those who don't make the same choice. I've done both, I'm very familiar with both sides and I loath any ideological pressure on women to do one over the other.

There seems to be an increasing confusion about what feminism means. It seems to have become an article of faith these days that feminism is solely about a woman's right to choose.

Well, up to a point.

Feminism is fundamentally about women having equal rights and opportunities to men.

Feminism can certainly accommodate the idea that a woman who chooses to stay at home and is able to without jeopardising her financial security should be able to. But its a bit of a jump to say feminists fought for a woman's right to be able to stay at home. And from there its a pretty slippery slope to saying that staying at home is a feminist choice.

That's a dangerous position to advocate for, because you make it much harder for those women who want equal participation in the workforce and equal participation from men on the domestic sphere
I agree with this.

There's a fairly recent branch of feminism that seems to have shaken off the concerns about structural oppression and patriarchy, in favour a very individualist choice model that seems to be: me and my choice, I am woman so any choice I make is feminist and nobody should question it.

I find it very difficult to get my head around the fact that it is somehow anti-feminist to encourage women to make informed decisions about their short, medium, and long term future and security, when 20 minutes on Mumsnet will show countless threads highlighting why informed decisions and responsible financial planning is important.

[quote FlippinFedUp21]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Volunteering isn't employment, it's volunteering. Don't know who would class that as a job, and if someone is "employing" someone without paying them, that's called slave labour.

So no, I don't disdain volunteers.

I don't disdain SAHMs either, I just can't believe people justify that decision by saying it's work. Lots of comments on here looking down on working mums because they don't have the inclination (or financial security) to spend every waking moment with their child. Accusing them of having nursery workers "raise" their kids for them.

If you haven't got a job you are unemployed. That is FINE if that is a financially viable option within your household. But very few people have that option. Most people have to work to maintain a decent standard of living and to ensure their children are provided for. Actively encouraging women to quit their jobs, sell their homes, move to an area with potentially fewer opportunities, just so they don't have to work a few hours a week is downright irresponsible and feeds into the notion that women should sacrifice their own opportunities, their own ability to look after themselves and their families financially is somehow wrong.[/quote]
It is work though, both volunteering and SAH parenting is recognised as work UNDER THE LAW. So just saying it's not a job over and over again doesn't make you right, you are actually wrong. You keep saying job instead of work to help justify your argument but it just makes you look even more dogmatic. They are both work, they are both incredibly valuable. Give it up.

@Belinda500

Gosh, so much gaslighting. We've gone from staying home is work and an equal contribution TO ????staying home is optimal feminist choice how dare you!!. Someone staying at home is deserving of respect for their equal contribution UNDER THE LAW. This is because feminists fought hard to have it considered EQUAL!!

Feminism is not a cult, no one has to abide by its rules. Plenty of feminists are free thinking and open- minded, thank goodness.

Of course someone staying at home is deserving of respect.

But you're mis-stating the context and feminist position.

There's no equal opportunities consideration applicable to remaining at home. Remaining at home isn't something which women have had to lobby for for decades and it isn't something they face discrimination for wanting to do. It has been the default position for many women for a significant part of the last 100 years. Feminists had to fight for women to be granted equal opportunities in the workplace, equal pay, the right not to be summarily dismissed because they were married or pregnant precisely because work was not seen as something respectable women should be doing. They didn't fight for the right of women to remain at home because that is SAHMs are not faced with the sack from remaining at home. It's a completely false equivalence.

I have no problem at all with people advocating for SAHMs to be afforded more respect for the work they do, as long as that isn't at the expense of the right of women who want to work to do so. The problem with your line of argument is that it suggests that the whole point of feminism was to allow women to remain at home. That to me is more like gaslighting.

Hear hear, @LolaSmiles.

I have already said if you can afford to be a SAHM, good for you. I'm sure millions would love to be in that very same position. How fantastic it would be to not have to work. But not an option for the vast majority of people.

Stop encouraging the OP to leave her job and sell her house!