To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Maybe it's a case of the grass is always greener? If you imagine that life as a SAHM is picnics and days out and toddler groups and coffee with other mums, this is only part of it, and that's assuming you have friends around who are also not working.

I do understand the feeling that you're missing out - if you're working full time is there any way of reducing your hours and having one or two days with your baby? Or condensing hours? That's what worked well for me. I honestly think that being a full-time SAHM though can be incredibly hard just in a different way to being at work (loss of identity, it can be boring, expensive, reliant on DP for money, and loss of career options). I've done both! (currently a SAHM).

I feel for you. It’s a difficult situation, but not a modern one. My mum had to work so we could afford our quite ordinary house and we still didn’t have either a car or holidays.
I have to work, for the same reason though to be fair, I like it. I was at home when the children were little, but I didn’t have money to do anything and when I went to work, when the oldest one was ten, they turned round and said they’d rather I was at home for them for their teenage years!
There’s some good ideas on here, and you’d have your child every morning and evening and weekends. Good luck.

@barelycoping1

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Nope 💯not unreasonable. I had my baby in late 2019! I enjoyed precisely 6 weeks of baby classes before lockdown hit. Then my sister was sectioned twice during my maternity leave, coupled with the fact that I couldn’t see her, or my parents!! I saved enough money to just about have 8 months mat leave before I had to return to work because my wages contribute more to the house than my fiancé! When I did return it’s been hard and at times emotionally draining! Coupled with that fact that I feel eternally guilty for sometimes putting my job before my son.

Mama I hear ya! I just keep consoling myself with we are slowly returning to times where we can give more to out children! Sending hugs!

Not so sure about this being an exclusively 21st century issue because when my son was born in 1989 I had to go back to work when he was only 5weeks old otherwise we'd have lost our home.
So, definitely not a new issue. People need to weigh up the pros, cons and financial implications BEFORE they jump into pregnancies and then complain that life identity the same/as good as it was before having kids.

I voted YANBU because I sympathise with your post, but objectively I think modern life is unbeatably amazing for mums simply because medical technology has cut maternal and infant mortality in this country so far.
It does really suck to work away from your baby if you want to be with them but it would have been orders of magnitude worse to have them die young or to die yourself in childbirth and never get to meet them.

It is worth a talk with dh about his hours. Is he hourly? If not, then he can look at hours. Also letting standards go a bit. What can you stop judging yourself about and stop doing?

Even my mum in the eighties found it a lot harder than when she had her last 20 years later in the naughties. Reusable nappies, 1 car. No dryer. Even the invention of the angel care bath support which she found fascinating when I got 1 Lol.

I work 3 days a week. Have done since she was 10 months. Love it. Time to be a grown up. Dd (2) gets to spend time with her friends at nursery. Very independent girl who is happy to be away from me which is important as just me & her for 80% of the year due to Dh's work overseas. I don't see it as them bringing her up but contributing towards her development.
Yes I'd love to not have to worry about work but I need to pay into a pension for 1 but also I don't like to rely on others when it is all very achievable.
That is me though & doesn't represent everyone.

I was also going to suggest a move to a less expensive area. Don't know where you are currently but we are in the NW of England and know many young couples/families who have relocated to Manchester in particular, where a 3 bed house, close to really good schools are less than half of London prices, is close to 3 National Parks, seaside and a Harvey Nichols and Selfridges ( if that helps to feel more metropolitan). Of course, you still gotta get a job, if that works out. ...there really is a good, affordable life to be had in many parts of the country.

I think many mums have felt this as the first day of dropping children off at nursery looms. On DS’s first day I was such a state that they allowed me to go to the staff room of the nursery and watch my DS on the CCTV, while I sobbed for 2 hours; then I went for a walk, in a daze, and felt like I was grieving. An hour later I was walking as adult speed, standing up straight, with no banana mashed into my top, chatting to a friend and arranging another coffee date. We do have choices and chances, so when the pain of nursery day 1 is over, use the free time to plan what you want and how your family can achieve it. Good luck, life always moves forward so you will find a happy balance soon.

We bought a smaller house and have only one car and a simpler life in order for me to be a SAHM for our child's early years. It is something we both feel strongly about and don't regret it.
My DH has also taken a step back at work so he can be around more. We wanted a child for so long and nothing is more important to us during this precious time so we make it work for our family.

To be honest, I can barely think of any mums I know who work full time, most do 2 or 3 days a week while the children are primary age.
We are in the north though so housing is not so ridiculously expensive.

I think modern day expectations are very different nowadays to previous generations, we have a washing machine, colour tv , a car and possibly one or 2 holidays a year so it is more expensive.
If you can’t save the £350 in your monthly expenditure , have you considered doing something that can combine looking after your child and an income such as Child minding?
I was lucky that I could stay at home when my children were young and I loved that time with them , but it did mean that we had less money and also I could not go back to my original profession which I enjoyed, so had a loss of that career although I managed to retrain and do something else I enjoyed.

@Tumbleweed101

I work in a nursery and I had the same feeling of 'not wanting someone else raising them' before going into this career. However since working with young children in a nursery setting I feel my primary role is education, obviously they need age appropriate care - physical and emotional - but my role isn't to raise them but to teach them, role model behaviour and help them progress developmentally. We can't give them what makes families so unique and special and you can see it in their faces when it's time to go home. They love being with us and playing with their friends and they bond with the adults caring for them but it's a very different kind of relationship to the one they have with their families.

Thank you for saying this. My friends who work in nurseries or are nannies say the same. It's completely different to the role of the parent and no child, nursery worker, nanny or parent is confused about the respective roles. Apparently the only people confused by it are a a certain proportion of millitant SAHMs. The SAHMs I know would never think in this way. I wonder who these people are and why they are so spiteful?

@Couchbettato

I feel like people, man, woman, parent or not shouldn't have to work to live.

I think there should be a universal basic income that can cover the basic costs of living and I think that working should be optional in order to top up that salary.

I absolutely hated the idea of going back to work and leaving my son and I feel like people should be able to develop an identity other than work being the majority of it.

I don't think men or women should be reliant on each other and I think social housing should be made cheaper.

But it doesn't matter what I think because even though life is shit none of the things I want to happen ever will and most people think I live in a fantasy land.

Great. And then how will houses be built, electricity produced, food providee, if nobody needs to do any work??

@barelycoping1

Others are right though, I should have planned this financially far in advance. I regret not getting my life planned out when I was younger!

This is the crux of it tbh. With good planning, even if your partner leaves, you know you can provide for your children how you intend to. Having children is not a decision that should be taken lightly and requires some preparation in terms of finances, careers (to ensure sufficient flexibility) etc.

@barelycoping1

If moms don’t feel shitty enough then that statement certainly will do it.

Not all mums do feel shit though. Some of my friends send their children to nursery and tell me they honestly love it, because they say it's very beneficial for their child, they like having a break from their kids and they love their jobs too. They genuinely feel they've got the best of both worlds and I think they probably do.

Sadly though I don't feel that way - we're not all the same.

You are very new to being a parent. Your view may change over time. I was devastated to send my children to nursery but they loved it and thank goodness I went back to work because my husband fucked off when they were both still under 2. I'd never have been able to provide for them if I hadn't kept my job. Of course it's hard to leave a small child, you don't want to, it's instinct. I cried a lot. But they have loved nursery and made brilliant friends - who will soon be going with the oldest to school. Don't make decisions based only on emotions, especially when you've had a baby fairly recently!

I also sympathise and feel you.. im a first time mum and feel the same way... i will say though that I think sometimes people can take everything they are offered (mortgages, loans, finance) and then have to work more to pay these off.. not saying youve done this but personally i dont get anything out of finance meening if we did lose a wage we'd manage but struggle (we only earn living wage)... i will say though..why dont you start an online university course? You get a student loan which you can use to pay mortgage i think it works out roughly £750 a month.. u oay it back at at % per month when you earm over a certain amount per year after graduating... ive been in uni for 2 years now i was also working part tine but just had a baby, i have 1year left and the money pays mortgage so i can actually have this time off with baby too as im not going back to work.. just a suggestion if u fancy uni? Xx

It's a double edged sword. By working we have the security and independence to support ourselves and are less open to financial abuse or being unable to afford to leave. But on the other hand, I'm not sure people anticipated this situation a few decades ago - i.e. both partners working but not being much better off as a couple.

it’s not a choice. I have no choice but to return to work and I don’t want to.

In a cruelly ironic twist you could call this equality, as we now face the same choice as most men (i.e. having no option but to work).

@JemimaJoy

Life admin - I use this term too.. i use it in the sense of sorting car tax, mot, service, insurance, mortagge renews, arranging dentist apps, health appointments.. anything with timescales need to be thought about even silly things like if you have a mattress that needs to be flipped once a month washing, cleaning, school trips shopping, birthdays, events, meetings..the thought if these things can stress you out majorly if you dont get them organised.. so i assume thats what other people mean by life admin too

@TheVoiceInMyHead

It's a double edged sword. By working we have the security and independence to support ourselves and are less open to financial abuse or being unable to afford to leave. But on the other hand, I'm not sure people anticipated this situation a few decades ago - i.e. both partners working but not being much better off as a couple.

We are much better off though. Even single people now are much better off than couples in similar jobs were 50 years ago. Our standard of living is immensely better, and what is considered "poverty" in the UK now would have been beyond my great grandmother's dreams. Some perspective is needed here. Yes life is hard sometimes - I left home in my teens and lived with electricity cutting off and no heating and often no food, this was in the 2000s! - we are SO lucky to be alive now. Yes life will always be hard. But almost anybody in history would be prepared to swap with any one of us!!

[quote Duemarch2021]@JemimaJoy

Life admin - I use this term too.. i use it in the sense of sorting car tax, mot, service, insurance, mortagge renews, arranging dentist apps, health appointments.. anything with timescales need to be thought about even silly things like if you have a mattress that needs to be flipped once a month washing, cleaning, school trips shopping, birthdays, events, meetings..the thought if these things can stress you out majorly if you dont get them organised.. so i assume thats what other people mean by life admin too[/quote]
Surely that's just basic stuff about beong an adult though ehoch generally takes 10-15 mins per day. It's not a big deal.

Yes life will always be hard. But almost anybody in history would be prepared to swap with any one of us!!

Well, maybe if you're talking about people in general.

If you're talking about a housewife from the 70s/80s married to a rich businessman....I'm not sure she'd necessarily want to swap with a woman working 40 hours p/h in a menial admin job who didn't enjoy a materially better quality of life.

'40 hours p/w' I meant .

I think for some mums, not working is hell on earth. But for others, being at home is just exactly where you feel comfortable and happy. I worked a lot when my kids were young but I kept taking long periods of time off because I had a job that I could come and go from. I loved being at home. It also depends on your relationship. Are you solid, will he respect what you do and will you feel equal in all decision making. Feminists will say you should never be dependent on a man but you are not just dependent on him, you are a team. If you both feel the same way and you trust him then it can be just wonderful. The best part is that you get to be with your child and do all the mum stuff like swimming lessons, park, playdates etc.

One way to help yourself is to do some sort of educational or training course part time, while you are at home. Choose something that will lead to flexible work and then when you're ready to go back to work you have something to help you get back into the workforce. Listen to your gut, if you want to be at home and you can, then do it. Make friends with others who are doing the same thing. It can be a wonderful and it really is only for a short time.