Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

OP now is the time for you to fix this. It doesn’t matter what happened, or who said what, or what could have happened. You are where you are and if you don’t fix this it will damage your relationship with your son and soon to be daughter in law.

And I happen to think it wonderful you have a son who cares more about the getting married than the wedding. Those are good values.

And traditionally, the groom’s parents are less critical in a wedding. I am not saying that’s right, just saying how it is.

Please ring them, tell them you are so very very sad and you have been trying not to show it but you want them to know how much you wish you could have been there. Then say, now please tell us all about it, and let’s talk about how we can be part of the day even though we are in Australia. You can still dress up, attend by zoom, sing the hymns, listen to the speeches, chat to people - so long as you embrace it whole heartedly you will be part of their day. New technology makes that possible in a way it wouldn’t have been two years ago. You can stay up all night, drink champagne and not miss a minute.

If you have moved away you have to start investing in creating a new relationship which works at distance and here is your chance.

And please please please try to bond with your daughter in law too. Ask about her dress, get to know her. She will be the one bearing your future grandchildren and you want a warm and loving relationship with her.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy the day!

If you choose to move to Australia and leave your children behind in the UK, then you can't expect those children to put their lives on hold because of your choices.

I agree with this- and despite my previous post I think it works the other way round too, that adult children can't expect their parents to put their lives on hold in the sand situation.

@nocoolnamesleft

I have no family in Australia. But I know international travel is out, with only very limited numbers of repatriation flights for Australian citizens, who then have to rigidly isolate. Because it's been all over the news for months. How the fuck could they claim not to know?

No it isn't,my FiL lives in Indonesia, he came and visited in March this year, as is back here now for another visit.

You can still trade internationally, you just have to book a load of tests, fill out a load of paperwork, quarantine once in the UK.

Looking at travel from Australia, you can still fly from Australia to the UK,Etihad are flying daily. Passengers need to apply for excemption to cross borders but those are being issued when proof is shown you are flying from the international airport
It would appear the OP us not looked into travel but just assumed they can't travel

Sorry but you just have to get on with it. We had 3 weddings cancelled and decided to go ahead with the 4th even though some of our special people couldn't be there as it felt like life was just on hold (and it was really stressful constantly cancelling and rearranging). What did do though was live stream it, which meant people could join us from wherever they were in the world, is that not an option?

I thought you could travel but quarantine for 2 weeks on return to Australia. He probably thought that too and you didn't tell him otherwise.

Even if you had told him it's really unfair to expect him and future DW to put their lifes onhold indefinitely, just so you can attend their wedding.

Maybe they are upset because if they'd known you wouldn't make it they'd have planned a smaller wedding. Plenty people did scaled down weddings last year.

I don't believe all those who would have predicted last year that such limited travel in and out of Australia would still be in place for its own citizens.

@Cafepurff - your son and his fiancee would have known there might be challenges, it's ok for everyone to be disappointed but I don't think it's fair for them to be angry you couldn't predict over a year into the future. It's not like we've had pandemics like this before to set expectations! Advice to talk to your son and say you're concerned about the communication, that you'd both love to come and assumed last year there might be changes to the restrictions. Ask to join via zoom. Sorry you're missing his wedding, but hopefully it won't be too much longer until you can see him again.

@PaperbackRider

I’m sorry but it would’ve taken him 2-3 mins to go online and find out the current travel restrictions for Australia before booking

Would have taken 2-3 seconds for OP to say "we can't come if you book it for then" instead of "oh yes that's fine with us, go ahead and book"

I'm sorry, but if parents went online like I did a quick search this morning, they would see they can indeed fly out of Aus to the UK using Etihad airines. They can also apply for a exemption to cross state boarders to reach the international airport

@Slimmingstar

Bring married is more important than who can or can’t come to watch the ceremony.

I have family who can’t travel to my wedding in the summer, but it’s been put off once and to me, marriage is very important.
I wish my family could come, but my desire to be married is more important than having my family sitting in the room when it happens. They understand.

I’m marrying my future husband, no one else and my relationship with my family will not be affected by their non-attendance.

This was absolutely how we felt, we didn't want to wait another year! But definitely recommend the live stream option though

You say you don't talk about the wedding...the elephant in the room. I think this is the worst thing you can do. With 6 weeks to go it's all they can think about. By ignoring it you might appear unsupportive.

@ineedaholidaynow I would never want my children to feel the way my parents made me feel. So if my children moved away I would:

Keep in regular contact using various methods to ensure we keep the close relationship. (Even in a no-pressure way like pinging them a WhatsApp photo that they can respond to in their own time).

Save up to build a “DC travel fund” that I could dip into either if I needed to make a last-minute trip out to the country or to fly DC back to the UK.

Actually bother to show an interest in my DC’s lives and ask them how planning etc is going in the lead up to something as big as a wedding.

Keep in regular communication with my DC about any changes to circumstances (like oh, say, a global pandemic with shifting restrictions).

Move heaven and earth to research all available options such as different travel exemptions, and again, actually communicate any changes.

Last ditch, I’d research alternative options if missing a key event such as video-calling in and arranging for a tablet to be set up to park me in a corner of the room while I dress up and crack open the champagne to celebrate. I’d be devastated to miss an event but I wouldn’t presume that my DC should put their lives on hold; and instead I’d make sure they knew I loved and supported them and wanted to still be as present and involved as I can (and as they wanted me to be).

I'm sorry, but if parents went online like I did a quick search this morning, they would see they can indeed fly out of Aus to the UK using Etihad airines. They can also apply for a exemption to cross state boarders to reach the international airport

And if the son has searched that out, he'll be seeing the lack of willingness to come to his wedding as a snub.

He possibly is like the other poster with parents who emigrated feeling abandoned even if he hasn't said that out loud.

Why on Earth didn't they ask, find out the details and factor this into their plans? Are they mad?

Sorry OP. This is not your fault. They booked a wedding knowing what's going on in the world and knowing you live abroad

It's really as if they don't care. You are understandably very upset

@Tiffanny

Why on Earth didn't they ask, find out the details and factor this into their plans? Are they mad?

Sorry OP. This is not your fault. They booked a wedding knowing what's going on in the world and knowing you live abroad

It's really as if they don't care. You are understandably very upset

OP told them to go ahead and book the wedding!

Yes you should have said we may not be able to fly

Tho if they booked last year , they prob assumed all would be ok a year later

Our wedding was May 2020, after being cancelled we moved to May 2021 never expecting a year later to still be in lockdown /restrictions

Maybe they felt the same

That wedding got cancelled as before May 10th and now July

Thing is they could delay for another year and still uou can’t travel

I think oz is right to restrict travel and holidays etx ans if boris did this last year , then maybe we wouldn’t have had Xmas lockdown
And huge deaths

But i regress

Yes. Very sad you miss their day in person but they can set up a zoom video so you can watch and call them etx

In the end it’s a day. Their marriage will be for life

Well, what's done is done. Since it can't be changed now, your best bet is to try to come to some sort of compromise like PPs have suggested. You say the wedding is now the elephant in the room, so you need to take the bull by the horns and have a conversation with your son. You could say that although restrictions don't allow you to attend in person, you still really want to be part of it and be there for him virtually by Zoom instead.

There's no point in gnashing your teeth now, look for ways to make it better rather than just sitting wondering who's to blame! You need to start communicating with each other.

Sorry, just seen you're in Australia!

Surely none of you thought you were going to make it to the uk in 2021

Presumably, when they told you about the date, you were blindsided because they knew you wouldn't be able to come? Even a year ago it didn't look possible

So I can see both sides. You probably assumed they were not expecting you to come and they assumed you didn't care

@Tiffanny did you actually read the OP? The couple did ask, and the OP said it was fine!

I just went online and Australia make it very clear they don’t want people travelling! Yes you can apply for exemptions for compelling reasons but I’m not sure they would always see a wedding like that, especially now you need to take the Indian variant into account. I assume flights are still happening mainly for people who are working not so people can see family unless a family member is seriously ill

@SleepingStandingUp

To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us)

Did you know at this point that international travel was still banned in your country

They asked you said it was all fine. Why didn’t you tell them you wouldn’t be able to travel before they paid deposits which are probably non refundable. You were asked and chose not to speak.

Either way I’m afraid yabu. Perhaps they want to be married before having children and don’t want to wait much longer.

@Cafepurff

Yes we did know that travel was banned when they told us. I don’t remember specifically telling them we were not able to travel, perhaps we assumed they knew this.

YABU to tell them the date was fine and not mention that you would be unable to travel. Surely that's one of many reasons why they were checking in with you prior to booking?

I'm with your son on this one

YANBU it's not as if there's a need for them to get married within a certain time frame. They could wait till next year when you can come.

I suppose you're probably not that close though as you rarely see each other and are on opposite sides of the world, presumably by choice.

I'm afraid I just can't get my head around why you would have said that date was fine when you knew you couldn't attend. I mean, even if you thought they knew, it would have been normal to say something along the lines of being happy for them but sad that you couldn't be there. Not "that's fine".

It's a shame that they won't change their plans now, but I kind of understand it from their perspective. They asked you at the time and nothing has actually changed since then.

Maybe you'll have to plan a special celebration of your own when you're finally able to see them?

Yes, you are at fault for not being clear with them that travel is highly restricted from Australia to the UK.

I too live in Australia and haven't been able to get back to see my family in the UK for ages - if there was an emergency, I'd be able to go but would be facing a $3k per person hotel quarantine for 14 days on my return. I have known this ever since it came into place, and have obviously told all my UK family and friends about it, so that they KNOW why I can't just come over.

However, if you have never mentioned it to your son at all, then HOW would he know? Sure, it might have popped up on the news that Australia doesn't want anyone to come in from the UK until it's less plague-ridden, but it would have only been a very minor report, I'm quite sure.

It's a shame you didn't think to mention it to them, really.

So your question really is AIBU to be cross with myself for not telling my son that we wouldn't be able to travel to his wedding when he checked with me before he booked it?

@Lockdownbear

I'm sorry, but if parents went online like I did a quick search this morning, they would see they can indeed fly out of Aus to the UK using Etihad airines. They can also apply for a exemption to cross state boarders to reach the international airport

And if the son has searched that out, he'll be seeing the lack of willingness to come to his wedding as a snub.

He possibly is like the other poster with parents who emigrated feeling abandoned even if he hasn't said that out loud.

They can possibly fly if they are lucky enough to get an exemption, don't have jobs, and have three months to spare (and somewhere to live in the UK for those three months.