Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

Have you contacted the embassy at all? You may get an exemption.

My aunt lives in Australia and has had to cancel a much anticipated family get together for beginning of next year because all the news there is pessimistic about travel restrictions lifting and she didn’t want to take the financial risk. Admittedly that is to our home country which isn’t doing great but it’s not something we thought would be a problem and we chat regularly!

If I were you, I’d start chatting to my son about how excited you are for them and potentially planning a celebratory trip somewhere in the future.

But it's your son's wedding. I would move heaven and earth, it's paperwork, it's not impossible. You are on here trying to make yourself feel better whereas you should be making every effort to get yourself over here. If family fully knew the implications of cost and time required to be out of your country surely they can rally around to help you.

I can't understand why people would think (or you would think) that they are lying about not knowing you couldn't travel!? Surely when they booked it even if they knew, they would have thought it would have been lifted by now? Or assumed that you could get around it by that point? Or anything rather than making it out to be deliberate!
I agree with the majority that it's really on you to know details of travel from your country and tell them. We only get headlines here.
Also not speaking to him about it since is horrible. Sorry, but it's his wedding and probably a big part of his life at the moment and not asking how planning is going is just going to damage your relationship.

My ex husband moved to Australia without a second glance at his family including his own child here. You emigrated literally to the other side of the world. There are consequences that come along with that. It isn’t France you aren’t a couple of hours away. You aren’t easily accessible. You must have known that when you moved out there.

I think as a parent if you choose to go live the other side of the world to your children (which you have every right to do) that you realise you won’t play as important part in your son’s life. I suspect he feels upset you are no longer in the U.K. and inevitably your relationship isn’t as close. He can’t be expected to put his life on hold for you. Yes covid is extreme and unexpected but the bottom line is you chose to move from U.K. so it’s ultimately due to your personal choices.

I think whether they knew at the time of booking the wedding is irrelevant tbh. They booked their wedding a year ago, most people thought by this point we would be free and clear. No one could have predicted that we would still be in some lockdown measures or other countries would be still restricting travel. Some people didn’t want to put their life on hold “just in case.” I think you, and most posters are focusing too much on that aspect, when all it boils down to is you’re upset your son won’t cancel his wedding until you can attend. And as a year has passed and Australia isn’t coming out of closed borders soon, how long do you expect him to wait? Another year? Another two? It’s really sad you can’t attend but surely you want your son to live his life and be happy? Surely you had that mentality about your own life when you decided to move away? No one could have predicted that this were to happen when you moved but you take certain risks when you move so far away from your family.

Australia has no plans to open to travel anytime soon, Just the opposite really. Your Son shouldn’t put his life on hold. To be fair waiting til you could attend is a unreasonable expectation.

@Blanca87

I’m sorry but THEY MUST have known about Australia travel ban. Especially as they have family in Oz.

This.

Australia and NZ have been SO high profile about their bans - no way would anyone in the UK with family there not have been aware. It would have been big news if/when lifted.

I understand your comms were ambiguous and they were optimistic about booking a year ahead, but from your son’s side the reaction could have been more like ‘Ban not lifted yet? That’s so awful for us and you. Let’s do a video link.’ Not ‘angry’ at you and putting strain on the relationship.

So YANBU. Hope you can find some really lovely ways to share the big day remotely? 💐

@iminthegarden

But it's your son's wedding. I would move heaven and earth, it's paperwork, it's not impossible. You are on here trying to make yourself feel better whereas you should be making every effort to get yourself over here. If family fully knew the implications of cost and time required to be out of your country surely they can rally around to help you.

As many posters have now said, it is possible to travel albeit with some difficulty. Our Australian friends are in the UK for three months, to visit elderly relatives, and were vaccinated before they flew here. So your son is possibly aware that there are exemptions which you have not applied for. He maybe thinks you are making excuses not to come.

You're basically in the position where the wedding is going ahead, likely without you. You can sulk about it and cast a shadow over their day and possibly your relationship, or you can be supportive and plan to do something special to celebrate with them when this is all over.

Honestly, you sound really childish. You want them to cancel their entire wedding after saying you would be able to come, even although you knew you would be unlikely to be able to, and now whenever you talk to him it's "the elephant in the room" because you can't bring yourself to talk about it, because your still stamping your feet.

Perhaps they can have a blessing when they next come to visit you?
They must have known about international travel.something here doesn't quite fit,I feel there is more to this.

How many people can normally leave their home/job for 3 months? Where would you live and how would you pay for it?

Aren’t there still Australian citizens still unable to go home?

For those saying that parents obviously don’t care about them if they move far away and have pretty much dropped contact with them, would you do the same if your DC moved away?

Also, did you offer to cover any money they would lose to cancel the whole wedding just for you? I doubt it.

They are convinced they didn’t know and that we should have told them. I think that’s the worst part for me

Yes, you should have told them instead of saying "Yeah, that's fine" when they told you about the wedding plans before they booked it.
At the very least you should have raised the issue that travel was at that point banned and that there would be no guarantee the ban would be lifted before the wedding.

At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened

I'm not surprised they were angry. They booked it thinking you could go as you said that's fine. While I agree with others that Australia and NZ have been high profile in the news with their travel bans, most people don't know the ins and outs of how strict those bans are etc. If a resident of one of those countries said "Yes, that's fine" about attending a wedding on the other side of the world then why should the bride and groom be expected to know/assume that you wouldn't be able to go.

And then to say you'd be very upset if they went ahead without you. Well yes, obviously, you would be upset but I'm afraid you brought this on yourself by not communicating clearly or perhaps not even being well enough informed yourself about what was going on and the likely duration of the pandemic/travel bans.

I live in a European country and none of my friends and relatives know anything about the travel regulations to and from here and nor would I expect them to. I had two sets of friends wanting to book in January to come here this summer so I explained why that wouldn't be a good idea (difficulties with travel to and from the UK being suspended and restarted at short notice as well as issues about the rules and regulations once in the country). No way would I say "yeah, that's fine".

@dyrne sums it up. You don’t prioritise your family and now you have the hump when your son is returning that; what do you expect him to do? You moved half the world away and make the incredible effort to speak perhaps a couple of times a month. On what basis should he prioritise you in his major life decisions now? Quite apart from which, it is possible for you to attend and perhaps it would fix the fractured relationship if you made the effort to do so, however awkward it will be on your return. You just don’t want to. So if you want to live on the other side of the world, don’t want to exert some effort to attend, please quit the bleating about him booking his wedding to suit himself. Here’s hoping his new wife has a nice family.

For those saying that parents obviously don’t care about them if they move far away and have pretty much dropped contact with them, would you do the same if your DC moved away?

Honestly? I think this is one of those double standards in life, it's really unfair but I think it's different when a child moves away. Children don't ask to be born, when they're here as parents we want them to be healthy and happy and living the life they want surely? If my DC chose to move far away I'd probably be devastated but at the same time I'd want to be happy for them and I would do my best not to let on for a second that I'd find it tough.

As a parent though I made that choice to have them therefore can't imagine making the choice to then live so far away, if that makes sense?

I know it's unfair it's a double standard but it's how I see it a little bit. Of course parents should be able to choose to live their lives the way they like but a massive choice was to have children, and IMO that affects the choices for the rest of my life, included when they're adults.

That's just me though and obviously others feel differently which is fine.

I've gone with YANBU .

They could have easily checked this themselves when booking. The onus is not on you to tell them you can't travel. The information is out there, it's headline international news with easy to find dedicated website.

It's a small wedding, they didn't have that many guests to consider.

Posters saying 'Why did you say it was fine?..well, I guess if it was me I would have felt like I couldn't say no after one wedding had already been cancelled, and I would have been a bit shocked that they were asking knowing how easy it would have been to find out you couldn't go.

Look, everyone is entitled to have whatever wedding they want, but they can't get huffy and precious when family can't attend for quite obvious and basic reasons.

To me you sound incredibly passive about something that your son probably feels you should be excited about.

What international country are you in? International travellers have been coming into the UK for a while.

How long are you expecting them to put their wedding on hold for? Who knows when travel from Australia will be allowed again, have they to wait indefinitely?

Yes, every parent should be permanently tied to whatever plot of ground their offspring are currently living on.

Well, of course people are free to live wherever they want - but they can't then bitch and moan that they've missed out on x, y and x when they chose to make their home on their other side of the world from their family.

If you choose to move to Australia and leave your children behind in the UK, then you can't expect those children to put their lives on hold because of your choices.

We have relatives in Australia and understand how hamstrung the zero covid policy has made the country. It may be years before the borders open up. They can’t wait forever, I’m afraid.
You haven’t been clear from the start I’m afraid, even now saying it’s the ‘elephant in the room’, you need to tell them like it is. It sounds like you didn’t want to give bad news so you didn’t address it earlier. Honestly and clear conversations are the best policy. Sorry OP.

I tend to think that moving to Australia is a statement that your presence at big life events in your family is possible but no longer guaranteed or essential. When you moved you knew there were any number of things that might happen that could stop you being able to do a flight of that kind. It’s sad but I don’t think there’s a perfect solution here, they can’t be expected to wait until travel from Australia is ‘normal’, that could be years away. Also, my in-laws did that pretending the wedding wasn’t happening thing that you seem to have done and all it did was make them much less essential to proceedings in my mind.

Limited travel from / to Aus is permitted; OP doesn’t want to do it - it’s expensive, time consuming and a massive hassle. But it is possible with a vast amount of organising. Her son is likely very hurt that she doesn’t want to make that effort despite having known the date of the wedding for a year.