Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

I’m guessing he thought you would apply for an exemption to travel. Maybe it would have been better to do that and then if it was rejected you appear to have made an effort to attend.
At present it probably looks to them like you had no intention of going from the start.

Would the son then be expecting his parents to move in for 3 months if they get an exemption?

@MRex

The wedding was booked last summer, when the Australian government was promising to repatriate everyone and look at travel numbers, those were relaxed to allow more in by September. It was only later in the year that the Australian government said 2022 or later, it's not unreasonable to have assumed that travel with hotel quarantine might have been possible, even still might be possible. Vaccinations, variants, tests, treatments and other events may change things further over time. Pretending to know 6 months into the pandemic what one government might be doing a whole year later, that's just silly.

FWIW for both professional and family reasons I've been watching the Aus restrictions closely since spring last year and I reckon that summary is spot on.

I'm sorry but yabu. They booked it a year ago, how could anyone possibly have known and you have said nothing and now with six weeks to go you are upset and annoyed? You can't rearrange a wedding at the drop of a hat, not to mention whether they will stand to lose thousands of pounds if the wedding is permitted and they cancel it.
My dp's mum lives abroad. We don't know the travel restrictions for that country and its in the EU. We have rearranged our wedding three times now to try and accommodate the different UK rules and get her over, but we are getting married this summer, regardless. We can't keep putting it off and rearranging it each time is so stressful. I think with dp there is probably an element of "well you moved to another country". This could possibly be the case for your son if you moved away (you don't say).

I don’t think they should have to wait until you can travel... you say it could be until the end of the year.

Of course it would be amazing if you could attend but you must see their frustration.

To cancel once, then wait again until the end of the year.. which is not guaranteed. I personally don’t think you should be angry. We live in uncertain times.

Let them go ahead and enjoy the event via video link and celebrate with happiness. When thing easy, celebrate again together.

It’s a totally crap situation and it’s no-ones fault, OP. The fact your son is upset and you are upset just goes to show how much you care about each other. Be happy and proud and do what you can to minimise negative impact on the relationship - as pp suggested, get dressed up on the day, pop some bubbly, and join by video link (perhaps even record a message or speech to be played on the day). Make the best of it, and look forward to happier times ahead when you can celebrate together.

It’s a crap situation as so many things have been for the last 18 months. I’d write, put down on paper what you’ve said here, that you wish you’d said something and that you love him and miss him. But the year has been crap and still is. Wish them all the best and say that while you are disappointed you’d love to do something to mark the day, a vc call or something. And that as soon as you can travel you will and would love to do something to mark it then.

Get the elephant in the room front and centre and address it.

Sorry just seen you did say you moved away. Your choice to move to the other side of the world and don't expect a couple in their early 30's to postpone their wedding. They are not rushing it if they have been engaged for a year and if they want to have children they won't want to be postponing for another year and then potentially another year given what the Australian government have said about travel opening up in 2022.

He's trying to pass the buck - everyone knows the likes of new Zealand and Australia have had VERY strict travel restrictions.

I think YABU and YANBU at the same time!

YABU because you should have raised the travel restrictions and had an open and sensible conversation about this. A lot of people get carried away with wedding planning and don't think about practicalities - it really was on you to raise this. I'm not that surprised that they were cross that you hadn't mentioned it. It even comes over as a little passive-aggressive, sitting and waiting for the problem to hit rather than discussing it in an adult fashion.

YANBU to be upset that you can't attend. I bent over backwards so that my parents could attend my wedding, including having almost nothing of the day that I really wanted to ensure that their needs were met. (My mother has MH issues and because of her illness she is very selfishly focused on her own needs at all times.) To my mind, it's just a sacrifice you make. But I will definitely be in the minority on here about this.

Travel to/from Australia doesn't look like it's a likelihood anytime soon. Perhaps your son and future DIL figured they didn't want to wait any longer (who could blame them!) I wouldn't take it personally. If they waited until you'd be available to be there in person, that could be a very LONG time.

Honestly I never understood the whole manufactured drama behind weddings. I love being married to my H (19 years next week!), but hated everything about planning my wedding. It's absolutely impossible to please everybody. Keep the lines of communication open with your son, be happy for him and his bride. It's a SINGLE day in his life. Be there for him for the rest of it.

Of course you are upset about missing your sons wedding. But it’s unreasonable to expect them to postpone their wedding indefinitely. And to be honest I’m not surprised that they have prioritised the brides family. You moved as far away from your son as is possible to move! You can’t be surprised that the bride has a better relationship with her parents than your son does with you.

If it helps, he might not say anything but he will definitely feel it. My dearest brother is in Australia and so couldn’t make my wedding. I cried almost every day in the lead up (to the point that DH seriously offered we postpone yet again) and cried on the morning of. I’m crying as I type this...

Weddings are really difficult to plan right now, but I am sure he will be gutted to not have you there.

@Bimblybomeyelash

Of course you are upset about missing your sons wedding. But it’s unreasonable to expect them to postpone their wedding indefinitely. And to be honest I’m not surprised that they have prioritised the brides family. You moved as far away from your son as is possible to move! You can’t be surprised that the bride has a better relationship with her parents than your son does with you.

I don't think OP said they are prioritising her family though?

She mentioned that they've downscaled the wedding and that the bride's parents will be attending. I did wonder about that being mentioned- because obviously if the bride's parents live in the same country as them, then why wouldn't they? Is it worth mentioning?

It’s not rushed to get married a year after engagement. No one knows how long restrictions will last. They want to be married. They did ask day before they booked. That was the point to say re concerns re travel and the fact you absolutely wanted to be here. I’d make best if it eg zoom and not risk falling out long term. Maybe they can visit when restrictions lift for a holiday.

I understand that it must be disappointing for you, but...
They told you they were booking it and even though you knew travel was banned you said you were fine with their plans. So what did they do wrong??

What a shame OP. I dont think its reasonable for them to postpone it again. Things are so uncertain it's best if they marry while they can.

Yanbu to feel sad and disappointed though.

Plan something really special for when you can be together and give them your blessing.

I would be upset if I couldn't go, too. But its their day and they want to tie the knot ASAP, so let them. They may want to try for a baby straight away (there may be fertility issues/concerns). Let them do it how they want to. Perhaps they could set up a live feed to stream to you, so you're a part of the day to? Please try not to let it affect your relationship. If you keep showing that you're upset everytime he calls, then those calls may stop.

Ask your son if he could set up a live feed somehow so you can be part of the wedding. My sons wife is non UK and only her mum could come for the wedding but we had her dad there via a live feed and it was really touching.

Did you presume the travel ban would be lifted by now, or that their wedding wouldn’t go ahead so it wouldn’t matter what you said.

I can’t say I blame your son for being upset. Even if he knew about the travel ban, he probably assumed you saying the date was fine would mean you could be eligible for an exemption.

How was the relationship with your son before this happened.
Are you usually passive when it comes to things like that- the not wanting to rock the boat just makes it worse further down the line.

Hopefully a video feed can be arranged so you can watch your son getting married

But travel from Australia will likely be banned for a long time yet - are they meant to just put their life on hold until you can come to the uk? Could be another year or so? Unfair of you to ask them - living this far apart from family unfortunately means you miss stuff sometimes

@DistrictCommissioner

I don’t know how someone in the U.K., especially with family in Australia, can have missed that travel is banned from there.

Quite

You could write a letter or better if you think it would work, Can you schedule a family meeting zoom and have a prepared statement? Ask just your ds to join.

Ask him to listen and then you will give him time to respond after.

Tell him that as he knows you are very upset to miss his wedding. It is a significant mile stone in a parents life and you had been looking forward to this moment for 30 years.

If he had wanted you there then he would have made arrangements accordingly. He cannot blame you. He is responsible for working out travel restrictions before booking. The fact that he is trying to blame you seems like he is trying to deflect responsibility for excluding you from the wedding. You dont want this to descend into a blame game.

It is upsetting for you that it tells you more about the state of your relationship that having you at the wedding isn't important to him.

That said it is done. You understand that by asking him to cancel the wedding they will lose money and it will cause bad feeling and further damage the relationship.

At the end of the day a wedding is about 2 people. You want him to be happy and you want to have a good relationship in the future with him. So you wish him well. You need to say this all now and then find some way to let go of the hurt caused.

It is going to be very difficult but that you'd like to try and find a way to reconcile and get over this bad start to introducing your new DIL to the family. You love him and you hope that he will think more about ways to still include you in the future. Then make a suggestion for regular zoom calls, eating a meal together over zoom etc, anything that invests in your relationship.

You could ask him to arrange a video link and include you in the wedding that way. Maybe offer to pay for this.

Obviously you will have to tailor thus to your own words but get the gist of saying your piece once and offering to get over it.

It sounds to me like he's just thoughtless. He probably didn't realise how important this was to you.

Perhaps a year ago they thought everything would be over by this summer and you'd be allowed to travel?

The only thing you can be annoyed about is that. they've since rebooked and you still can't travel.

A prepared statement? Seriously?? What even happened to just talking.