Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

Have they not mentioned the travel ban since announcing the date? Even if they were so wrapped up in everything else to not think about it, if I was the other set of parents I would be asking whether your future son in laws parents would be there. As many people have said you would have to have lived under a rock to not know Australia had closed its borders.

Have you said: I’m sorry, when you asked me if the date was fine, I was worried that by bringing up the travel ban you would think I was spoiling your plans. I thought you knew about it, and now I can see I’ve hurt you by appearing to not want to attend- when this isn’t true at all- I wish very much to be there and if you did choose a different date when we could attend then I (and your father) would be really happy.

You are making it worse by NOT talking about it- from his POV you just don’t care about going.

Just to add that while I'm aware Australia is funny about travel, by you saying it was "fine" I'd take that to mean that you were able to travel - and were willing to accept the inconvenience and expense of hotel quarantine on the way back.

As a Brit I wouldn't know where to look on the Australian government website for the exact rules on travel to Britain, but I'd assume an Australian resident would have known and therefore have factored that information into the statement it was "fine". If you weren't sure then you should have said "we need to check travel restrictions, we'll get back to you".

Their wedding isn’t about you

@Scarydinosaurs

Have you said: I’m sorry, when you asked me if the date was fine, I was worried that by bringing up the travel ban you would think I was spoiling your plans. I thought you knew about it, and now I can see I’ve hurt you by appearing to not want to attend- when this isn’t true at all- I wish very much to be there and if you did choose a different date when we could attend then I (and your father) would be really happy.

You are making it worse by NOT talking about it- from his POV you just don’t care about going.

Yes, exactly.

I’m so sorry you won’t be able to attend and understand your disappointment as we were unable to attend our sons wedding ( pre Covid, he just wanted a very quiet affair)
Would it be possible for you to be there via Zoom?
We explained our sadness at not being part of this special event and negotiated it being videotaped ( long time ago) which we paid for.
The videographer took great pains to be unobtrusive (& it worked)
We also arranged ( & paid for) a family celebration meal ( plus another cake) a year or so later.
They have now been married almost 20 years and the hurt I felt has faded many years ago.
I just kept telling myself that it was their day and it was more important for them to feel relaxed and happy than me.
Just thinking about it, reading your post, brings the deep hurt rushing back, so I do understand. Hope you manage to find a path through and they have a happy successful marriage. It’s not just one day xx

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

OP now is the time for you to fix this. It doesn’t matter what happened, or who said what, or what could have happened. You are where you are and if you don’t fix this it will damage your relationship with your son and soon to be daughter in law.

And I happen to think it wonderful you have a son who cares more about the getting married than the wedding. Those are good values.

And traditionally, the groom’s parents are less critical in a wedding. I am not saying that’s right, just saying how it is.

Please ring them, tell them you are so very very sad and you have been trying not to show it but you want them to know how much you wish you could have been there. Then say, now please tell us all about it, and let’s talk about how we can be part of the day even though we are in Australia. You can still dress up, attend by zoom, sing the hymns, listen to the speeches, chat to people - so long as you embrace it whole heartedly you will be part of their day. New technology makes that possible in a way it wouldn’t have been two years ago. You can stay up all night, drink champagne and not miss a minute.

If you have moved away you have to start investing in creating a new relationship which works at distance and here is your chance.

And please please please try to bond with your daughter in law too. Ask about her dress, get to know her. She will be the one bearing your future grandchildren and you want a warm and loving relationship with her.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy the day!

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

My DD got married last summer. Because of Covid restrictions it wasnt possible for us to attend. But I got involved. I provided the flowers for the wedding party. They didnt have a photographer but other DD went as a witness and took loads so I turned these into a photo book for DD & DSiL.

Talk to them about the wedding preparations. Get excited and communicate that excitement.

We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there.

People are sick of putting their lives on hold for fucking Covid. If Australia wants to stay on a path to Covid elimination that's their lookout but plenty in the world want to start living again.

YABU.

It is a pandemic. Lots of “normal” things have changed and changed again during this time. But lives should not be put on hold indefinitely.

On the point of your travel restrictions, personally I think it was up to you to check your own country’s restrictions when you agreed to the original date. That part is on you two, not your son and his fiancée.

Their wanting to still get married, in a smaller wedding, is their right. This is not putting fiancée parents before you and your DH but rather about still getting married and having only a small number of hurts - who can come due to covid restrictions. It is not your son’s fault your country does not allow travel.

It is a sad situation, but this pandemic and restrictions are outside the control of your son.

No one could have anticipated the pandemic would go on for so long. Why should they hold up their life plans for who knows how long until your country of residence allows travel. What if your country decides on another year, another 18 months. That’s not fair for your son and his fiancée

Frankly, I’d be wishing my son well, very sorry we could not be there and looking forward to one day celebrating with them when you all can be together again.

They could have easily checked this themselves when booking. The onus is not on you to tell them you can't travel. The information is out there, it's headline international news with easy to find dedicated website

I don't agree. The onus is on the people living in the other country to find out the official information from their country through government websites and then let the bride and groom know whether or not travel is possible.

What a shame that it’s put a strain on your relationship and become the elephant in the room. I work in the wedding industry and have seen/heard so many instances of weddings being hastily rearranged or downsized with family members feeling left out. I completely understand you feel hurt not to be at your son’s wedding but I think the priority should be to mend your relationship with him. His wedding is just the one day and you have his whole lifetime with possible grandchildren ahead. Can you try to shift your thinking away from the wedding - maybe ask him to live stream it to you so you can still see it - and work on supporting him (as I imagine he feels bad that his parents won’t be there) and getting your relationship back on track. I’m sorry this has happened but, having seen instances where families have missed weddings due to self isolation or illness, it really is a sign of the times just now. It’s difficult times for sure, don’t let your relationship with your son deteriorate because of it.

It’s become the elephant in the room whenever we do speak and I’ve not brought up the wedding as I don’t know what to say, it all seems like such a mess now.

Can not you just talk to him? Tell him it was a miscommunication and that you are sorry to miss it, but that you hope they have a wonderful day and there will be many special occasions in the future that you can come to.

My sister is getting married soon. It is stressful enough planning a wedding during covid - she has multiple guest lists depending on which restrictions are in place at the time and some companies she has booked have gone out of business so she's got to find new ones. As family we have been really clear - we will be delighted if we are allowed to come, but fully understand if restrictions mean we can't. None of us would expect her to put her life on hold for us.

It’s sad you’ll miss the day but if it was me I’d try and be pleased he is getting married and now make a fuss and tell him you’d like a live stream and you are choosing your hat etc. The pandemic is a shit, don’t let it put a strain on you and your son’s relationship. It’s done enough damage.

I’d have thought they knew Australia travel was banned, unless they don’t watch the news.

I don't believe all those who would have predicted last year that such limited travel in and out of Australia would still be in place for its own citizens.

Eh? As it's been headline news which everyone (including the bride and groom) supposedly knows about, how come the bit where the Australian government said that it would be at least 2022 and possibly 2023 before international travel would be allowed again. I can't remember when this statement was made but I think it was probably towards the end of last year.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there.

People are sick of putting their lives on hold for fucking Covid. If Australia wants to stay on a path to Covid elimination that's their lookout but plenty in the world want to start living again.

YABU.

This 100%

DH and I had to cancel twice last year and in the end went to the coast and got married just the 2 of us. It was amazing and, at the moment I walked into the room, I couldn't have given 2 hoots who was there.

MIL is still sour about it but I don't care - we literally just wanted to get married and not postpone any more.

What's the problem with traveling? Australia is on the greenlist. Is the problem quarantining when returning to Australia? General inconvenience?

While the Australian travelban in well advertised, I have no idea what the exceptions are. I'd assume that my (imaginary) Australian family who said it was fine that it would be. Either that they were not bothered missing it or that they were able to travel.

You need to have a conversation where you clear this up and talk about it being a communication mix up. How you'd love to be there, ask about online ceremony, buy flowers for the wedding and then offer to get everyone dinner when you meet up again

I am getting married this Autumn and have family in Aus (admittedly not my parents, they are cousins). I had no idea travel was still banned from there and that it still would be in the autumn. Honestly sometimes I think you get blinded by the excitement of planning a wedding and the nervousness of doing so in a pandemic.

Although, these are distant relatives for me so I would like to think I'd be more informed if it was my parents. My parents actually live in Scotland, and I'm very aware of the rules in Scotland as well as England.

It sounds like a huge break down of communication on both sides. I'd speak to him and be honest, otherwise it will just eat away at you.

I'm sorry, but if parents went online like I did a quick search this morning, they would see they can indeed fly out of Aus to the UK using Etihad airines. They can also apply for a exemption to cross state boarders to reach the international airport

Wrong again.

@HalzTangz

I'm sorry, but if parents went online like I did a quick search this morning, they would see they can indeed fly out of Aus to the UK using Etihad airines. They can also apply for a exemption to cross state boarders to reach the international airport

Well put like that it does indeed sound like the easiest thing in the world..until you consider all the other significant caveats/permissions that have been mentioned by Australian posters upthread.

..and as a general point the UK's Green list has been mentioned a couple of times. The list system isn't a "bi-lateral" arrangement, it only covers which rules apply for entering the UK.

The world doesn’t revolve around you and your husband, if they want to get married without you there that’s their choice.

I thought you could travel, you just had to pay for tests and hotel quarantine?

@Tiffanny

Why on Earth didn't they ask, find out the details and factor this into their plans? Are they mad?

Sorry OP. This is not your fault. They booked a wedding knowing what's going on in the world and knowing you live abroad

It's really as if they don't care. You are understandably very upset

They want to be married. They're sick of bloody waiting for a virus 97%+ survive. That doesn't make them mad.

@wdmtthgcock

I don't believe all those who would have predicted last year that such limited travel in and out of Australia would still be in place for its own citizens.

Eh? As it's been headline news which everyone (including the bride and groom) supposedly knows about, how come the bit where the Australian government said that it would be at least 2022 and possibly 2023 before international travel would be allowed again. I can't remember when this statement was made but I think it was probably towards the end of last year.

The wedding was booked last summer, when the Australian government was promising to repatriate everyone and look at travel numbers, those were relaxed to allow more in by September. It was only later in the year that the Australian government said 2022 or later, it's not unreasonable to have assumed that travel with hotel quarantine might have been possible, even still might be possible. Vaccinations, variants, tests, treatments and other events may change things further over time. Pretending to know 6 months into the pandemic what one government might be doing a whole year later, that's just silly.

@ShoutingBirb you haven’t heard about the borders being closed in Australia?