To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

[saltyskies8]

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

You can convince yourself all you like that it's normal but it's still illegal, risky behaviour, could develop a dependency, could lose your job if random drug tests were given, pissing money away, and the most frightening is the health implications - I've treated so many people in that age bracket who thought drugs were normal and they were invincible....parents didn't think it was normal once they were in ICU.

I think it's really sad and naive for a parent to think this is normal and to be happy about it (that's how you're coming across). Really really sad.

I wouldnt be at all surprised, would expect it to some extent in a young person of means living it uo in the city, but moreso sub-25. I feel at 27 it is perhaps slightly more unusual or potentially a cause for worry. If she has been partying out since she was 16-18, then Id expect her to cooling it and moving to a different stage of life now ( I started young and bar the odd spliff, was done by 22/23).

I grew up in South London. I’ve never, ever taken any drugs. Ever.

Snap, same with DH. I have never met anyone who grew up "around" it that takes them. Plus if your weren't white just having weed on you very much risked a criminal sentence.

@mrsrhodgilbert

Having two dd in their twenties who say they have never taken drugs I object to being called naive. One has been very open about the drug use of school and university friends, has ditched boyfriends because of it. The other is absolutely not interested and neither were her friends. It is scarily common but I find your attitude strange and defensive

I think it's the OPs way of convincing herself drug use in youngsters is normal. Laughing at anyone who says their kids don't take drugs and calling them naive is her way of saying what her dd is doing is the same as everyone else. When it isn't.

I remember Danielle Westbrook's nose too.

I'd be more worried about her being such a sheep and not very bright. Plus heading for 30 is when she'll need to start reining it in as that's when people start to look like complete saddos. It's not safe and I'd rather my dc kept this to themselves.

@TangoWhiskyAlphaTango we probably crossed paths

I don't think the OP is interested in hearing anything other than 'of course it's normal! Don't worry about it! Everyone's kids are doing it!'
Tell you what OP, next time she visits, surprise her with a few grams of beak, you can do it together, then you'll be a really cool mum!

YANBU at all. A successful person in London with a good social life who goes to cool parties will take recreational drugs at some point, often regularly.

There is a scale between occasionally/every few weeks doing a bit of blow/molly at a party (common and fine) and rinsing all weekend, derailing your life (obviously not fine, but again I do know successful people who manage to pull this off, I don’t know how).

I think you have taken the right approach and the concept of getting her “help” seems deluded to me.

You should be happy that you have the relationship where she can tell you these things, and you’re right that the posters who are shocked probably have children who just don’t tell them - like my own mother who would die of shock if she knew what I got up to in London in my youth!

As long as she is healthy and happy and hitting her professional milestones, surrounded by equally ambitious friends, then if she was my daughter I wouldn’t be worrying and would be tolerant and keeping the lines of communication open - so that if she did need help or support I could be there for her.

Then what will likely happen is she will find a partner and settle down and the hangovers will start outweighing the fun and she’ll naturally ease off on the party life and becoming boring like everyone else.

Yes it’s illegal but I would say that the police are interested in dealers not recreational users who are otherwise model citizens.

I’m not in a position to be critical since I tried some drugs up until the age of 25 and then stopped when my friend had a bad reaction and I had to take her to hospital. ( speed) I wouldn’t say it was very common then just because some of my friends did it. Your idea that it’s normal and everyone does it is completely bizarre. Have a look at the death figures... even MDMA causes 50 or so deaths a year I believe and that’s without discussing the risks from driving while impaired or long term implications for mental health. None of it is safe... even weed which people bang on about being “natural” causes impairment in the brain. I’ve seen someone with a cannabis induced psychosis and it was scary stuff. ( although if a naked guy covered in food and his own shit while masturbating is cool with you then fair play ) The fact remains what you can do about it.... nothing at all I dare say. The fact she told you was a mistake I feel and the fact you told your DH was a mistake too. He’s entitled to his opinion about it although as an adult she’ll go her own sweet way.

The Leah Betts campaign scared the living daylights out of me and was also the reason I've never touched drugs in my life

I can't believe you aren't seriously concerned that your daughter is doing something not only illegal but dangerous and stupid too. Or the fact that she is throwing money down the drain. Does she own her own house? If not, why is she not saving for one? Or for future children? Or for her pension? Also, as someone else pointed out, ask her if she knows whose bum her drugs came out of. Or ask her about the terrified children that are forced to run the drugs around for her.

I would be doing everything to point out every single thing to put her off taking them. Yes, she's an adult, she can do what she likes, but I'd be asking her some really hard questions about her choices!

I'm appalled so many people on MN seem to be belittling those that are horrified and are playing it down as normal. It's NOT normal and anyone who DOES take drugs and thinks it's no big deal should consider the misery and horror (yes, horror!) that is behind the scenes of the drugs supply. If YOU take drugs YOU are responsible for all the misery and every death of an innocent person coerced into the trafficking of drugs. YOU should be ashamed. Think of that next time you enjoy your "harmless" toke!

Sorry for the rant, but having seen first hand the destruction that drugs cause for so many people, I am disgusted at the blase attitude on here. There is enough info out there now that anyone who casually snorts a bit of cocaine or pops a pill knows full well what devastation their "normal" and "harmless" habit is causing. No excuses, just disgusting and disgraceful.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

I don't think the OP is interested in hearing anything other than 'of course it's normal! Don't worry about it! Everyone's kids are doing it!' Tell you what OP, next time she visits, surprise her with a few grams of beak, you can do it together, then you'll be a really cool mum!

🤣

Exactly, if it's so cool and normal, why isn't OP joining in? I assume you did drugs too in your 20s OP? What did you take?

This is a proper planet Mumsnet thread

Its normalised in lots of different age groups, and is seen amongst professionals and manual workers alike. Particularly on the social scene. If your DD feels it's normal for her peer group and she is aware of the risks then fair enough. I wouldn't particularly condone it though. If she doesn't 'grow out of it' is she happy for friends to have a line at family bbqs? When the kids are up or in bed? A line or two to get through xmas day? Kids birthday party? All normal in some peer groups despite many of us thinking its inherently tragic and selfish

She's 27 so what you or DH (or anyone on MN) thinks is irrelevant.

Pretty standard stuff. I wouldn’t worry too much either.
It’s part of life that some people take drugs and some people don’t. Most people dabble in their youth and then grow up a bit and stop. I was one of those. Now have a perfectly morning middle class life.

Tbh I didn’t even find mumsnet till I was in my 30s, I sure as hell wouldn’t have been on here talking about the things that crop up in my 20s. I was busy having an epic social life that in the early early days included some recreational drug use.

I’m mostly anti it now because of the ethics.

Yes it’s illegal but I would say that the police are interested in dealers not recreational users who are otherwise model citizens.

I think there should be much harsher treatment of those model citizens.

I think tragic is the word. How sad that at 27yo someone's idea of fun is taking drugs. Can't she find something more interesting to do?

@CovidCorvid
What like hang around on mumsnet

First of all I don't think it's normal, even if it's normal among her friends. I have never done drugs and the only drugs anyone in my circle did when we were in our 20's was weed occasionally.

But even if it were normal for someone her age, why wouldn't you be concerned? There's not much you can do about it and it's great that she feels comfortable enough to tell you, but it's illegal and dangerous. I can't understand not being concerned about it.

What we did in the 80's and 90's is not the same as they are doing now. It pisses me off when I hear "its only a bit of weed" - because it's really not, its not even the slightest bit the same as what was smoked when we were younger, and this goes for all of the various classes of a-c's.

OP, I spend far too much of my job either going to the houses of parents who sound just like you to let them know that their darling child is in a&e because they were doing "what everyone else is" or, I am putting them into the back of a van. Sadly, I am also going to let them know their child is not going to be back to visit anytime shortly.

If you need to take drugs for a good time, you have a problem I'm afraid, and she is lying to you, and was sounding you out, fyi.

I'm 30. I am the only one out of about 3 lots of friends ranging from 25 to 55 that doesn't take coke on a night out. People who think it isnt common, you'd be very surprised.

Yes it’s illegal but I would say that the police are interested in dealers not recreational users who are otherwise model citizens

if the police are going to arrest anyone I hope they manage to scoop up a few middle class folks along the way.

Thr thing is for it to be acceptable to the op she needs to think it’s normal. Becayse who wants to think your daughter is a druggie who hangs with other druggies and gets off their faces.

There’s always been groups who do it. It’s no more mainstream today than it was thirty years ago, if you are a druggie who hangs with druggies you justify it by saying everyone does it. Becayse all your druggie mates do. But there’s a whole world outside your mates who don’t do it.

Nothing has changed, it’s the same old story it always was.

And I’ve some friends who did it, they’d never have said it’s normal, rhey full well knew it was certain groups of peoole. The reason they stopped is simply because you don’t know what shit you’re buying. It just takes one bad tab and it’s game over. It’s an uncontrolled industry.