To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

[saltyskies8]

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-54540863

“In 2019, there were 708 registered deaths involving cocaine - 148 women and 560 men.”

Not a massive risk, but not no risk.

I am pretty ambivalent to all this but I do find it strange how quickly people are to extrapolate their own experience to what ‘everyone’ is or isn’t doing. Most 20-somethings aren’t doing cocaine, even if significant numbers in particular social groups are.

@Mylittlepony374

I did loads of drugs at her age. MDMA, cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine... basically everything except heroin. It was very very common. I would have said it was normal, so am surprised at the first few responses.

I wouldn't worry about it. She's not hiding it. She trusts you so she will come to you if she needs help.

FWIW I'm now a happy mother of two with a lovely husband, normal picket fence house and a high earning career.

Drug use is not good. I'll discourage my kids from it. But it's not the end of the world either.

Snap. I was very into the house music scene in the late 90s / early 00s and took A LOT of drugs. My drug of choice was ecstasy but we also did a lot of other stuff apart from heroin. Bizarrely I do not drink alcohol and have not touched drugs for 20 + years now. These were the best years of my life and literally everybody around me was doing the same. I would not change what I did even if I could.

My two dc are 16 & 18 and i have never hidden my drug taking from them, they know I was a hardened clubber. How would I feel about my two dc doing drugs? I would worry for their health (a bad trip etc) and of course all of the ethical issues that go with it but I would not worry they would become hardened drug users and that their life was doomed. I would prefer my dc to talk to me about it than do it in secret .

It's possible your DH has been in denial of the likelihood that your DD might use drugs. It's possible you've been in denial of the potential risk to your DD. It's possible neither of you is being particularly reasonable at the moment and both are struggling to see the other person's point of view because it would mean seeing things you prefer not to see.

Being concerned is the very least you could do, how can you not even be concerned?

This message that "everyone is doing it" is really dangerous for those who have a problem - it's so much easier to lie to yourself/your friends if you can convince yourself everyone else is also doing it.

For what it's worth, I'm 29, single, spent 5 years in Canary Wharf. Never done MDMA or coke and neither had anyone in my circle.

Only you can know how you feel about this and what your parenting approach is. I would be looking to have a honest conversation about frequency, dangers, ethics etc with your DD but I appreciate this may not be the right approach for all DC.

@DulseSeaweed

It's good she tells you. I and everyone I knew at uni did those sorts of drugs. We are all boring now and many are now doctors, lawyers etc.

My sister and SIL (both young and single) both still do those sorts of drugs. Interesting that the thread is split between those who think it's normal and those that think it's really uncommon. Maybe a London thing as that's where I spent my yoof (am now out in countryside where my biggest vice is spending too much on plants)??

I hope when my kids grow up they can talk to me and we can discuss safety issues they should be aware of. She's an adult so I'm not sure what your DH thinks being horrified and slapping her on the wrist is going to do.

This is an interesting point. DD is in London and she has wide groups of friends in various different circles, yet she tells me all of them have previously or do currently use drugs on occasion. We are from a small town in a remote area and I know that many of her friends back home have not and do not use drugs.

I appreciate your views but can we honestly say that those in their 20s haven't used drugs? I don't think so.

I have never touched drugs in my life and I know most of my friends have only tried weed. I think there's one of my friends that tried coke once.

If it's normal in her peer group she needs better friends. Did you not have a conversation with her about not having to fit in with what others are doing, etc? It's hardly a risk free activity. People do die from it.

I have a dd in her early 20s and I'm 100% sure she doesn't take drugs. I doubt her friends do either.

My feeling is that young adults who do drugs like these convince themselves it is normal, and are usually in social groups where it seems normal. And if no-one stands up and says, actually no it isn't normal and isn't necessary and isn't a good idea, these groups continue to normalise the whole thing.

But some will find themselves unwell because of it, or get sucked into other trouble. And there is a lot of underlying criminality behind drug supply.

Please don't encourage your children to think "everybody takes drugs" is normal. And for that matter, "everybody drinks loads" also doesn't need to be normal. And someone standing out against it will help others make their own limits and stick to them.

Some of the biggest caners I've ever met have lived in small towns.

I appreciate your views but can we honestly say that those in their 20s haven't used drugs? I don't think so.

Completely depends on your circle.

Tough one as not sure how you’d control her

Maybe don’t condone it though

I would advise dc to be cautious, but then again I did some of same in twenties

but I don't believe we have cause to be seriously concerned at this stage.

Have you no concern about the criminal drug gangs who prey on vulnerable people?

I actually don't give a stuff over the individual health risks to your daughter op.

It's a total blight on ordinary people's lives. What many law abiding people have to put up with from the low-life drugs megabusiness in this country is sickening.

I hope she's not the dozy type who wangs on about being kind and healing the planet. (If she makes her own independently for her own use then the above doesn't apply to her.😉)

I have a dd in her early 20s and I'm 100% sure she doesn't take drugs. I doubt her friends do either

Oh dear, this is laughably naive, I don't think any parent can be 100% sure as to what their adult children are or aren't doing, lets be honest!

I've never taken drugs in my life and neither has anyone in any of my actual friendship groups. There was a bit of weed around when I was at uni but that's about it.

Your her mum and she takes illegal and dangerous (don't pretend they are risk free) drugs regularly. I agree with a pp that really being a bit concerned is the very very least you can do, if you love her. I find it a bit odd that you're not.

I'd be mortified if my kids took drugs personally.

@Serpenta

Some of the biggest caners I've ever met have lived in small towns.

Yes, agree. I lived in a seaside town for a while and saw way more drugs there than I did living in a city suburb.

I'd be most concerned, and I speak as someone who smoked weed in their 20s and took the odd bit of speed. As a proper grown up adult, I now recognise that this was a fairly stupid thing to do and wouldn't want my 20 something children doing it. I was lucky that I never got hooked or took that much. I know people whose lives went steadily to shit because of what started as recreational drug use.

Cocaine and MDMA are both Class A drugs and highly dangerous. I did not know anyone who used them when I was young. Having spoken to my three late 20s DCs they don't actually have any friends who do this. It's not 'common' in their circles and they all live in (different) UK cities.

I'm on your DH side.

Some kids are genuinely disgusted by the trade in illicit drugs. Shocking I know.

MDMA is ecstasy isn't is - which is what killed Leah Betts the first time she took it. Scared me right off ecstacy when I was growing up.

My cousin also died from taking cocaine. He was a late 20s, married respectable city bloke with a good career. No idea if he took too much or had a bad batch. But you'd never have known he took cocaine from meeting him.

It's very common to have tried it.

I'd say it's not unusual to do it on a night out in that age group but I don't think it's normal. I'd say that normal was 70%+ people doing it on a night out (so weekly/fortnightly in that age group)

I don't think it's a rural/city issue either. I'd say that there's more drug use in the suburbs/rural areas than in cities because there's less stuff to do so going out is a bigger deal.

I think those who think it isn't normal are very naive.

I didn't touch drugs because like everyone else who I grew up with we were the opposite of naive.

I was a raver in the late 80s, early 90s so taking pills was part and parcel of my weekends and my going-out-dancing crew.
We’re all in our 50s now and pretty dull.

My DHs peer group did drugs a lot in their teens and 20s. Some managed to avoid getting addicted. He did a count of how many didn’t. Of his close group of around 20, 5 of them are dead of drugs related matters including overdose, liver failure, suicide. A further 3 are still heavily addicted and tend to live on the streets having alienated themselves from their families. 6 of them have done prison sentences for drugs related crimes. 1 was a promising accountant who lost his job and now works in a factory on minimum wage. Only 5 of them have had what you’d class as a ‘normal’ life. That’s not what I’d want for my child. I dont believe any of them aimed for the life they’ve now got.

@saltyskies8

I have a dd in her early 20s and I'm 100% sure she doesn't take drugs. I doubt her friends do either

Oh dear, this is laughably naive, I don't think any parent can be 100% sure as to what their adult children are or aren't doing, lets be honest!

Laugh all you like. She doesn't even drink. She is horrified by the drugs trade but also is chronically ill including serious cardiac disease so I do know she doesn't take drugs. She was told by one of her consultants that she mustn't even drink and I'm sure wouldn't risk it.