To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

[saltyskies8]

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

Does she have no opinion on the ethics of supporting the drugs trade which causes so much misery through extortion and slavery both domestically and abroad ?

My god daughter lived & worked in London until last year. She's 32 now and she lived there for about 8 years. She worked in a professional office in the day & hospitality in the evenings. Very ordinary office & pub. They were all doing drugs & thought she was a bit 'odd' not doing them. They all also talked about other nights out & friends parties. She couldn't believe how much & how often was seen as 'normal'.

She'd have happily told me if she was taking them & I'm not deluded 🤣🤣

If she had been, I would have been worried about them getting a bad 'lot' and dying, not being addicted etc.

I think both of you are being unreasonable in different ways. You for thinking it's fine, nothing to worry about & your DH for seeing her as having a drug problem

I appreciate your views but can we honestly say that those in their 20s haven't used drugs? I don't think so

Yes, we can. And you laughing at others for being naive is rather ridiculous. You're wrong.

Seems an over-reaction to suggest she 'seeks help'. As she's raised it with you just check-in with her about it regularly, to make sure it's not interfering with the rest of her life, or that she has started feeling it's a problem. It's great she could tell you.

I took drugs regularly at her age as did most of my friends (in London). I'm in my 50s now. My mum would have been someone who would say 100% that I hadn't ever taken drugs.

@CovidCorvid

MDMA is ecstasy isn't is - which is what killed Leah Betts the first time she took it. Scared me right off ecstacy when I was growing up.

My cousin also died from taking cocaine. He was a late 20s, married respectable city bloke with a good career. No idea if he took too much or had a bad batch. But you'd never have known he took cocaine from meeting him.

I'd like her parents to know that it worked. Etched on my mind is her in the hospital bed on a billboard by the railway station, she is the reason I have never taken any drugs.

Maybe a London thing as that's where I spent my yoof (am now out in countryside where my biggest vice is spending too much on plants)??

Were you raised in London cause I found the complete opposite. At uni it was all the home counties kids getting off their face.

“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom”

Did you do drugs in your 20's OP is that why you think it's normal? And your DH didn't that why he thinks it's not? Personally I'd suggest to DD to start thinking for herself and not assume that taking drugs is a good idea/fine because all the other sheeple around her are doing it. Being such a follower is what would be worrying me the most.

Have you no concern about the criminal drug gangs who prey on vulnerable people?

Course they don't, it's not their dc so who gives a shit 🙄

DD is in London and she has wide groups of friends in various different circles, yet she tells me all of them have previously or do currently use drugs on occasion

My DDs used to tell me her friends all had the latest phone / coat / hair style / make up. She was a child at the time. Your DD will tell you what she wants, you have no idea if what she’s telling you is true.

Although they are normally outraged when the associated crime eg mugging, burglary comes to their door.

How can you be ok with this? So because drugs are rife and "everyone" is doing them (they're not) that makes it ok? How can she possibly know what she's getting and the affect it may have on her brain. Coke can be mixed with all sorts, a dodgy pill and you're dead. I spent my 20's hanging around with drug users and now in their 40's you can definitely tell. They can really mess you up so why would any mum want that for their child?

Just noticed that you said that you wanted to focus on the health aspect.
When there's news of a young person dying after taking contaminated drugs eg Leah Betts do you think it could never happen to your dd?

From time to time I see contaminated cocaine featured in the news. Do you worry that she could unwittingly take some?

Honestly it depends on the circles you fly in and the type of people you hang with, it’s no different than it’s always been op. There has always been a section of society who do drugs and are convinced it’s harmless and everyone else is doing it. Becayse it’s the norm in their social circle.

I’m fifty two, I recall rhe folks who thought it was normal, doing speed, ecstasy, partying all night. Of course it wasn’t normal. But I t was their normal. That’s very different.

The only surprise I have is you’re buying into everyone’s at it.

I grew up in South London. I’ve never, ever taken any drugs. Ever. Never even smoked (weed or normal cigarettes). I was in many circles of people where taking drugs was normal but never did it. I hate drugs and I’ve seen the damage they’ve done to people. I am with your dh and would be absolutely horrified if I found out dd was doing any drugs.

@Tribblers

Seems an over-reaction to suggest she 'seeks help'. As she's raised it with you just check-in with her about it regularly, to make sure it's not interfering with the rest of her life, or that she has started feeling it's a problem. It's great she could tell you.

I took drugs regularly at her age as did most of my friends (in London). I'm in my 50s now. My mum would have been someone who would say 100% that I hadn't ever taken drugs.

Yes my parents too. Very religious and had absolutely no idea I took drugs. I was living at home for most of the years I did drugs but would never ever go home whilst high, we always had friends houses to go back to. I am very much eyes wide open with my dc and would never say never.

Couple of years ago I was early 20’s and living the high life in London.
High end legal job, city centre social circles, lots of pretty glamorous parties and events.

I did see a lot of cocaine use, not just amongst the ‘young’ professionals in their 20’s. Many established professionals in their 30’s and even early 40’s did it although it was considered ‘a bit sad’ to still be partying/using by 40.

I never used anything. Not once. I went to the parties and I had a great time but it wasn’t for me. It certainly isn’t ‘everyone’ OP it’s maybe 50-60% granted but not because it’s ‘normal’, to me it seemed that those kinda circles were just highly populated by unhappy, overworked, disconnected people often who had grown up at boarding schools or in families that didn’t care what they did. They were far from emotionally healthy people. Trust me.

I’d also be mortified if my DM condoned me taking drugs I mean I’m not being funny but my DM is the moral compass by which I steered most of my adolescent life. If your mum says drugs are ok then what chance do you have really

Born and raised in London.

Now in my 30s.

Never as much as smoked a joint. Nor has my husband.

So it's not all people in their 20s by any means.

Having two dd in their twenties who say they have never taken drugs I object to being called naive. One has been very open about the drug use of school and university friends, has ditched boyfriends because of it. The other is absolutely not interested and neither were her friends. It is scarily common but I find your attitude strange and defensive

She's in her late 20s. It's not a 'problem' it's recreational and occasional only. So YWBU to demand her to stop. It's good she is able to talk to you openly.

I'm a couple of years older than your DD. Grew up in zone 2/3 London. Very 'nice' social circle.. good school.. parents in professional jobs etc. E and weed were used on nights out or parties from age 15 by a lot of our group it was just normal? By 18 ketamine, mdma, m-cat, cocaine. Nothing unusual. People take drugs socially, to party etc. Not saying that's a good thing at all but it's the reality for many, who have money to spend and want to be going out.

I don't think you should be too worried about your DD.. all my friends have grown out of it she likely will too.

Your husband is right.

@TheTurn0fTheScrew

I think weekend recreational use in adults with plenty of money and no dependents is well within the range of normal TBH. I'm the squarest person alive and there was often cocaine around on nights out (house parties usually) when I was that age.

Still is!

I don't any more because of work, but I was just like OP's daughter, and a lot of my late 30's professional friends, some with children, still dabble occasionally on a night out.

@Crockof I certainly think her parents campaign worked. In the 90s nobody I knew would touch it. People took speed and smoked weed but nobody took ecstasy. Shame that lesson seems to have been forgotten and going on what the OP says it seems to be viewed as a safe drug. But then if the OP is daft enough to think cocaine is safe......

@saltyskies8

I have a dd in her early 20s and I'm 100% sure she doesn't take drugs. I doubt her friends do either

Oh dear, this is laughably naive, I don't think any parent can be 100% sure as to what their adult children are or aren't doing, lets be honest!

Why? Do you feel you’re the only cool mom whose children share? That unless they say they are doing it they must be lying?

It’s you who is the naive one.

I'm 29 and haven't even smoked a spliff, nor has DH. My brother used to do coke for a while but he was in a certain group at the time and I wouldn't say it was 'normal' for most in their 20s from those I know to do it regularly ie. even once a month. FWIW I live in a home county and have friends who commute into London, those who live in and those who live and work out of it.